Conundrum

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DiurnalVampire -> Conundrum (9/3/2008 8:48:17 AM)
OK, I am having a conundrum. Fox and I are getting married next year. I have lived on my own, in and out of other relationships for years now. I have all the stuff I need, as far as that goes. Aside from major furniture, our household is set. Problem is, we dont have a HOUSE. Is there any possible way to indicate in an invitation that we would prefer people not send stuff, but rather the money theyd have spent on the stuff for us to put toward a down payment on a house? I a really concerned about sounding tacky, or worse. I've always seen people register at insanely expensive places, and thought you know you could do so much more with the money people waste on a decorative crystal serving platter which you will never use... I dont want to be one of THOSE people... but Id feel just as bad bringing gifts back and doing it that way since people expect you to keep what they put thought into. Any advise would be welcome. I have lots of time, and I know most ofmy friends and whomever wouldnt care much if i just explained this to them. The problem is more along the lines of the family and more distant friends who always seem to want to get things like toasters or decoartions, and send them even though they cant be bothered coming to the ceremony. help! DV

cpK69 -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 9:48:26 AM)
When I got married, my husband to be and I, had already been living together for a few years, (had no clue about any of the ceremonious stuff), so our hostess had set up a money tree. The cards people had given us were hung on the tree for us to open together. If I were in your situation, I would explain on the invites that I already had all the fixings for my “nest”, therefore those types of gifts were not needed, but if they wished to contribute something, there would be a money tree intened to help buy “twigs” for building the nest . “All donations would be greatly appreciated. No, twig is too small.”… or something like that. Congrats and best wishes, Kim

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 9:53:13 AM)
Thats an idea. We'd have to work on the wording for our means, but thats a good one. Ive even considered creating a plaque for everyone who did chip in for it to be made and placed at the house... thanks for everyone so when they come over, the do see some sort of mention to their contribution

cpK69 -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 9:58:35 AM)
Yeah, I know what you mean… but as soon as the idea of a tree got into my head I couldn’t get it out.[:D] It might be kind of neat to have a group photo of everyone that was there as part of the plaque. Kim

CalifChick -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 9:58:45 AM)
Sorry DV, there is no way you can do it without coming off as tacky and money-grubbing. Most people even see a money tree as tacky. You can either register, or ask for no gifts at all, there is no in-between. The 'no gifts' is best handled as, "the pleasure of your company would be the greatest gift of all." You can have family and friends spread the word (by word of mouth only, no tacky emails) of what you really need, but that's about it. You can even set up a special savings account as a "building fund" at a bank, and let your relatives spread the word of that, but it cannot be done by you. You will have lots of people say, "but we did it and no one thought it was tacky", but the truth is, no one said it to their face. Cali (who has refereed many a fight about this very issue on another website she moderates)

simpleplan2 -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 10:01:07 AM)
Unfortunately, I think Cali is right. Although I DO like the idea and it's extremely practical, I wouldn't do it for the very reason she states. But, if you had a heart to heart with your family and friends and told them your wishes and really stressed that you'd appreciate them spreading the word, well, you MIGHT have less things to bring back.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 10:04:24 AM)
I have no problem talking to my immediate friends and family. Even my exhub thinks the idea of money is great and he plans on sending a monetary gift rather than something else... even if he wont be attending. The ones I can talk to, will understand. Its more the second cousins and aunts and uncles I am more or less forced to invite on the stand of social niceties who i know wont show up that Id prefer to avoid. Then again, how bad should I feel if someone who I will likely never actually see sends me a gadget I return?

IrishMist -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 10:07:56 AM)
I have to agree with Cali also. One suggestion I could give though is if you know of someone who has property ( or they know of someone, etc ) that is for sale or rent; you could possibly mention, in an offhand kind of way that since you two are marrying, that you are going to be looking at property to buy. That might bring someone forward who can help you out in that area...and you may even find someone willing to work a deal with you as a wedding present. I just would not come right out and say it in that way [:)].

DesFIP -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 10:10:38 AM)
If they're distant relatives who aren't coming, then this is what you need your mother or another older female relative to do for you. Let her call them and explain the situation. And if they send you a toaster, return it and keep the money while writing a thank you. They won't ever come by the house anyway so what's the difference?

cpK69 -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 10:11:37 AM)
Personally, I would prefer someone be up front and honest about what they want or need, if I were inclinded to give something, and as a guest, it would make it much easier on me. I'm not found of the "backdoor aproach"; seems decietful to me. Kim

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 10:23:35 AM)
Generally I do give money as a wedding gift, since the bridal shower is the "stuff" gifts venue. I am on board with the "asking for money is tacky" bunch. Be prepared to take stuff back, I guess!

CalifChick -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 10:25:21 AM)
DV, I'm sure you will handle it with your usual grace and style. Cali

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 10:59:57 AM)
"Dont need stuff, please send money, kthxbai" my CLOSE friends are essentially getting that. sighs Thats it, Im eloping

cpK69 -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 11:12:14 AM)
Stating that you don’t need stuff, and that there will be an alternative to giving “stuff”, if your guests wish to contribute to your household in some fashion, is not asking for anything. It is a plain and factual statement. If others read more into it than that, it is their problem. Kim

CalifChick -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 11:25:29 AM)
Sorry, but etiquette and social graces just don't work that way. You don't throw yourself a party and tell people that you would appreciate it if they brought you money, unless it's specifically a fundraiser for a charitable cause (and buying yourself a house doesn't fall under that category). Cali

soul2share -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 12:01:54 PM)
DV, I'd just state "no gifts please" on the invitations or rsvp card or someplace, and let it go at that. It's tough to explain the reason, but if anyone should ask you why, then you can explain it to them. Recruiting the other family members to spread the word is ok too......it has been my experience that in lieu of giving a gift, some people will just give money. I have lots of friends that have been in your situation, and this seems to work well for them. There will be some folks who give a gift anyway......it's up to you if you want to return it or keep it...... Good luck.......try not to stress out about it too much....like you said, eloping is ALWAYS an option! [:D]

cpK69 -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 12:30:04 PM)
What I said was not meant in a “I would appreciate it if they brought money”, but that if they chose to bring anything besides just themselves, money is what is needed, and any amount would be appreciated. If I go to a wedding or party and decide I want to bring a gift, I do it because I want to, not because I feel obligated to, and I want it to be something they want or need. Etiquette and social graces, are a song and dance often faked for acknowledgement. Now that’s tacky. Kim

Irishknight -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 1:43:28 PM)
We had a money tree at our wedding. We told everyone that, since we had two of almost everything, we didn't need anything. Others spread the word about the money tree. We still took home a truck load of unneeded presents. Its the nature of the beast unfortunately. People will always think they know what you want or need better than you do.

windchymes -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 3:49:13 PM)
I've seen this very issue addressed by one of the "etiquette" people, Emily Post, or Miss Manner, or Ann Landers or Heloise.....or somebody! lol Anyway, they agree that specifically asking for money in the invitation is a big tacky no-no. On the other hand, if you're having a more informal wedding, maybe your mom and a couple of close key friends and cousins, etc. can sort of start passing the word along as a big hint to those who have a casual enough attitude to see it that way and not think it was tacky. I personally would be glad to hear this suggestion, since I never really know what to get, and I really don't like shopping from bridal registries. (The reasons for that are a whole nother thread altogether, lol) I'd be thrilled to just buy a nice card and put money in it. Basically, I think as long as the suggestion didn't come from you personally, it might be okay, depending on how socially prim and proper your friends and relatives are, especially the older ones. Another thought just popped into my mind. Since you don't need material things, you won't be registering anywhere for gifts. Then, when someone asks your mom or friends what to get or where you're registered, they can casually say something like, "Well, they feel that they already have so much stuff they didn't want to impose on people to spend more money on more stuff. But you know, they are saving up to buy a house and I'm sure a monetary gift would be really welcome." Or something like that, so it sounds like a meddling mother's idea instead of the bride's.

OneMoreWaste -> RE: Conundrum (9/3/2008 5:57:25 PM)
"Our registry list is available at our local Century 21 Real Estate office..." [:D] We did the word-of-mouth thing, and it worked out very well.

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