stuff, here and there

stuff, here and there (Full Version)

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leakylee -> stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 4:44:02 AM)
alright, let me see if i can get this worded right. i have run into this particular mentality a few times. the dominants basically consider any ties to your previous life as excess baggage. not so much family and friends, but more along the lines of possesions, property, hierlooms. basically anything that will remind you of your life prior to becoming thiers. now while to some degree i get this, can you really seperate yourself from your previous life? and doesnt immersing yourself that deeply kinda negate the core person that you are? not to mention isnt it a bit of a put off to see a person, beyond a certain age (barring dire cirumstances) that doesnt have a thing to show for thier lives? i mean does hauling your stuff with you really define just how submissive you are? sorry i know alot of questions, but the money thing reminded me about it.

MidMichCowboy -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 4:55:35 AM)
I think that is stupid. It shows an insecurity on the other person's (I won't call them Dominants) part that they can't be enough for you. I think it shows their insecurity and weakness in themselves.

leakylee -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 4:57:13 AM)
i actually tend to agree, but have run across it more than once. so it really got me wondering if maybe it was a secret trend i didnt know about. thank you lee

NuevaVida -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 6:38:00 AM)
It's certainly not a mentality I would submit to. I want to blossom and celebrate who I am, not find more ways to restrict myself. My past is what brought me here. Erase my past and the present has less meaning. No thanks.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 7:21:00 AM)
The bottoms and servants we deal with maintain their own domicile, with any of their belongings they see fit. When we still had our ancestral home, we -did- limit what they brought into the house, but only because there were so many of us sharing space -- and all personal effects were stored in climate-controlled surroundings. Our servants could ask to have certain things exchanged, and when they left, their belongings went with them. I think that some of the issue may come from a desire to make that servant completely one's own--as if xhe was created just for that Keeper, with no history, and no existence outside of their shared dynamic. It may also be a practical matter, where there may not be sufficient physical space for all of a new servant's belongings, and the Keeper does not want to give up hir space/belongings/comforts to rearrange for this new person. It isn't just in D/s relationships that this happens -- it happens all the time with couples who have been single and established homes separately, and then had to try to combine households because of marriage or cohabitation. Historically, the wife-to-be went through the husband-to-be's belongings and discarded at will... including, perhaps, items that were particular comfort items for him... so in a sense, this may be a subconscious retaliation that says "this is -My- space and -My- comfort, and I am not giving any of it up for you, because I own -you-, you don't own -me-." CFB

DarkSteven -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 7:27:37 AM)
Depends. I have encouraged women to cut ties when I felt that their previous associations were not healthy for them. Usually not all ties. I could see a Dom not wanting his sub to keep contact with ex-Doms to minimize any lingering attraction she feels for him. But cutting ALL previous ties would be unhealthy IMO.

persephonee -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 8:10:04 AM)
~FR~ If we are discussing material belongings, i have a history of purging myself of things purchased during past relationships or during "eras" of my life that i no longer want to actively remember. i do the same thing with my hair. If there is a shift in my life you can bet that the first thing to happen is a funky new haircut and a garage sale. This impulsivity has dulled somewhat with age and maturity...thank goodness. Now instead of selling great things, i leave them in storage until using them doesnt hurt anymore. Too bad im too lazy and halfway across the country from the items in question. Example: i was on vacation after my breakup with my wife and was on a day cruise on Lake Superior and had the very strong urge to toss my wedding band/engagement ring into the cold depths of the lake. It was a very strong feeling that i still remember to this day. i didnt do it, and sold it later which was more constructive. But i still would have preferred the symbolism.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 8:17:35 AM)
Actually I've experienced this far more often with chicks- they can't stand having "evidence of ex's" around "their man." I can't tell you the number of times I've gotten stunned looks and "No way would I be ok with that" responses when I tell people I encourage my partner to keep his pictures of his ex and their wedding around our place.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 8:31:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Actually I've experienced this far more often with chicks- they can't stand having "evidence of ex's" around "their man." I can't tell you the number of times I've gotten stunned looks and "No way would I be ok with that" responses when I tell people I encourage my partner to keep his pictures of his ex and their wedding around our place. nods my ex went through this when his girlfriend (now wife) moved in, 2 years after he and I had separated. The very first thing she did was go through the house and remove every picture with me in it -- which left him with virtually NO pictures of our children or many of our family occasions. I've held on to those pictures for him (actually, she shoved them in a box and dropped them on my porch!), and we actually sat down and looked at them when he visited for our daughter's graduation from high-school. I offered to let him take a few favorites home, but he told me that she'd -never- allow him to keep them, and would probably destroy them this time, since I live too far away and she'd actually have to make an effort to mail them. I never understood that... both myself and my Darling have pictures of our exes around. They were, after all, intricately connected to our lives at one point (then again, we don't view others as a threat to our relationships). Neither of us are really picture-takers, so there are some gaps, but it wasn't because we got rid of the pictures, its because we don't automatically take pictures (and even when we're reminded, we don't always grab a camera). CFB

stella41b -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 9:02:44 AM)
Who am I? Why am I here? How did I get here? All these things have been influenced by my past, from my birth, my childhood and experiences I've gained and shared through my relationships and interactions with other people. I am me, but the contours and the shape has largely been influenced by other people. Reject my past you reject me. Simple.

shivermetimbers -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 9:14:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: stella41b Who am I? Why am I here? How did I get here? All these things have been influenced by my past, from my birth, my childhood and experiences I've gained and shared through my relationships and interactions with other people. I am me, but the contours and the shape has largely been influenced by other people. Reject my past you reject me. Simple. I couldn't agree more. In fact, I love hearing about my love's past, the good, the bad, the ugly. It's from that you get a sense of having known them forever, and not just what occurs from the moment you first meet.

CalifChick -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 9:16:34 AM)
I was surprised by this behavior when my exhusband moved in with me (and he's not into D/s). He moved cross country on a plane, so only brought a few things over a couple of trips. He immediately made plans to get rid of everything I had, even if it was in his taste. TV, couches, dining room furniture, bedroom furniture, dishes, everything. Since we didn't have the money, it didn't happen, but it got really old really fast to keep hearing about how we NEEDED a new dining room set, for instance. And these weren't things I had purchased with anyone else (in fact, my mattress was virginal when he moved in), so I just didn't "get" it. Cali

velvetears -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 9:22:25 AM)
This would be a deal breaker for me as i am a collector of sorts and have many nice antiques and i definately have a preference of style when decorating a home. If i cannot live in the surroundings i like i woul be very unhappy.

shivermetimbers -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 9:43:51 AM)
I'd also like to add, I've moved so many times in the last ten years (12 different abodes in that time) that I was continually buying things, then disposing of them either by selling, giving away, or just leaving behind. TV's, heavy appliances, clothing, furniture, etc. Not anymore. My new love and I have already worked out how to incorporate everything we each have, rather than one or the other getting rid of anything. I meant to add this with my original post, because to me there is memorabilia, and just plain stuff. I wouldn't ask nor will I agree to ever get rid of anything, memorablilia or just plain stuff.

tychtyp -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 12:14:16 PM)
It's a psychological control technique. Making big sacrifices to obtain something makes you value more the thing obtained, which is one of the reasons why expensive wines are perceived to be more pleasurable to drink than cheap wines, when in blind taste tests the vast majority of people can't tell the difference. The technique also greatly weakens the victim's ability to sustain himself economically. The overall effect is to disorient the victim, strengthen his commitment to his current course of action, and increase his dependency on the controlling force. This technique is the lifeblood of cults. It's no coincidence that the most cohesive, faithful cults are ones that isolate their adherents from the outside world and demand huge sacrifices from them.

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 12:24:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven I have encouraged women to cut ties when I felt that their previous associations were not healthy for them. This is how I have always handled it as well. Only if their past relationships or certain aspects of their past in unhealthy. In terms of material items, it's good to get rid of touch stones to a negative past, not always but at times, it's best to part with something that triggers painful memories or triggers bad emotional or mental states. The Sheding of items is a form of Cleansing. In fact I have done this myself for myself at times. I think there are healthy spins on this, as well as totally unhealthly spins on this practice. The key is to determine and know the differences. In regards for some submissives, they actually are seeking to bury nearly anything and everything of their previous life. These type of submissives should pair up with a like Minded Partner that is into this as well. I can not stress this enough, that Doms and submissives should seek out like minded partners. Yes, everybody has a match out there for them. Not everybody is a match for one another. Not every Dom is right for every submissive, not every submissive or slave is right for every Dom/Master. There is nothing inheriently right or wrong in regards to this practice. It does have the positive of one starting a new life completely over from scratch, some people desire this. However it's not for everybody. Even more so if you have a circle of Friends and Family that are of value to you. Like anything else, you have to be in touch with your needs, expectations and desires before getting into any deep committed relationship. Else you might find yourself in a bad situation, and something you did not bargin for.

kiwisub12 -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/30/2008 2:09:05 PM)
I was lucky enough to find a sir who was so self confident that he encouraged me to make our house "mine". I didn't change all that much - just moved some furniture and added a lot of art, birds and dust catchers.[:D]. What it did was allow me to be comfortable in our home, that i wasn't just a visitor staying for a short time. It was the sweetest thing he could have done for me.

MaamJay -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/31/2008 12:08:44 AM)
I had a lot more than Master did, but He was encouraged to bring His stuff with Him when He moved into my home. It was hard to amalgamate His things into the main house for a while, but He had His own private space in the luxurious shed part of which was the Dungeon, and He was very happy to keep His things there and retreat when He wanted some quiet space. In this new house that we share (now the ex is out of our lives), things are more amalgamated, though He still likes to have His own study and His spot in the shed to tinker with His rc cars! I have My study too and My scrapping room. It's all pretty even! When I find a sub, I will ensure that they have some private space and enough of their own things around them to feel at home. And while I might caution against any personal ties I considered unhealthy from what they have told Me, I would never make them sever all ties or lose significant parts of themselves. If I felt the urge to do that I would say they were not compatible enough in the first place! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

leakylee -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/31/2008 2:38:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW The bottoms and servants we deal with maintain their own domicile, with any of their belongings they see fit. When we still had our ancestral home, we -did- limit what they brought into the house, but only because there were so many of us sharing space -- and all personal effects were stored in climate-controlled surroundings. Our servants could ask to have certain things exchanged, and when they left, their belongings went with them. I think that some of the issue may come from a desire to make that servant completely one's own--as if xhe was created just for that Keeper, with no history, and no existence outside of their shared dynamic. It may also be a practical matter, where there may not be sufficient physical space for all of a new servant's belongings, and the Keeper does not want to give up hir space/belongings/comforts to rearrange for this new person. It isn't just in D/s relationships that this happens -- it happens all the time with couples who have been single and established homes separately, and then had to try to combine households because of marriage or cohabitation. Historically, the wife-to-be went through the husband-to-be's belongings and discarded at will... including, perhaps, items that were particular comfort items for him... so in a sense, this may be a subconscious retaliation that says "this is -My- space and -My- comfort, and I am not giving any of it up for you, because I own -you-, you don't own -me-." CFB CFB i can understand the space part with no problem. shoot my house is maxed out now. but in my person opinion your past is part of who you are. not to mention heirlooms and such as that are things that you want to pass on down line. seems a bit one sided to me. and there really is no way to wipe a person completely clean, or at least do it, and them stay healthy. lee

leakylee -> RE: stuff, here and there (8/31/2008 2:45:28 AM)
Whiplash, i can see your point, and it is valid. breaking away from the painful associations can have a healing effect, but there again is starting over with a clean slate really wiping out your past. i have seen people run from thier past, but until it is faced and dealt with it really remains. in alot of ways it can nothing more than hiding. or at least that is the way it can seem. the matching part is completely and utterly the 100% gospel. lee

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