subs with a temper

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moMogan -> subs with a temper (8/17/2008 9:45:41 AM)
For the doms/dommes out there, have you ever had a sub with a temper? For the subs, have you ever been one? How did you handle it and how did the relationship work out? I've found the being stubborn also comes with being tempermental, so please include any insight on that as well. I appreciate any and all answers/comments.

kiwisub12 -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 10:01:07 AM)
I am a sub - i have a temper - i don't lose it randomly. I assume that you are talking about subs going off inappropriately. Losing your temper inappropriately is a matter of maturity. You can't lose something if you have control of it, and i have control of my temper. And by the way - no one can "make" you lose your temper. You (the generic you) choose to lose your temper, and no-one can "make" you control yourself. Anger is usually covering up fear. Perhapes those with anger issues need to examine what they are afraid of in the situations where they chose to lose their temper. I used to lose my temper at my ums - i was afraid they would take control of my household, and become brats. Once i realised this, i could release my anger. I had no control over how my ums would turn out. I provided the framework, and as teenagers/young adults , they choose how they were going to act. They couldn't take control from me unless i was willing to relenquish it.

JANAAZ1 -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 10:04:37 AM)
I can be very stubborn if I feel strongly about a certain issue. My Master is very, very strict and no, I wouldn't even dream of throwing a temper with him.. I state my side of an issue, I listen to his say in the matter... Nine times out of ten we do what he says. There have been specific issues that I am simply not willing to let go, for instance, if I feel there is a health issue involved. I have learned that, while he is strict and headstrong, he does listen to my concerns and he does act accordingly ... we have worked each issue out through communcation,.... I have felt the need to take a few days to calm down and then contact him and request another discussion on an issue... he has told me that he realizes that there will be times when I am going to have difficulty with his decisions, however, if the issue has to do with health issues or moral issues, what have you, he will always try to hear my concerns and make his decisions based on what is discussed..I work at showing him respect , even in the face of adversity, and he does the same..still, there has been a time or two when he has asked me if I am over my snit yet. By that time we are both usually laughing and moving back along the road together.......

JANAAZ1 -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 10:10:59 AM)
P.S. This wasn't always the case... in the beginning of our relationship, yes, I definetly threw a fit and showed my temper more than once... it didn't work... all it did was make things worse... we live, we learn.... communication is the key.....

AdamTaylor -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 10:23:50 AM)
Janaaz, you sound like you have a wonderful Master. A real Master would never jeopardize their slave's health or safety. And they have to realize that slaves are people too, and have limits like everyone else. There are things I would never ask my slave to do. And if my slave had a problem with something, we would examine it, and see just what can be done.

Level -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 10:26:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: moMogan For the doms/dommes out there, have you ever had a sub with a temper? For the subs, have you ever been one? How did you handle it and how did the relationship work out? I've found the being stubborn also comes with being tempermental, so please include any insight on that as well. I appreciate any and all answers/comments. Yes, and it ended the relationship. Too much emotional tug of war.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 10:31:22 AM)
Ah, Mr Anger Management. There's nothing like a 6'7" slave who is angry, believe me! Honestly, sometimes I think the only reason I am alive today is my complete lack of fear. Heaven knows I was prepared to defend myself with necessary force on more than one occasion. Never had to. That's an extreme case, obviously. Does the sub in question understand that the temperamental behavior is not good, and not necessary? Until he or she does, nothing is going to change.

JANAAZ1 -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 10:39:56 AM)
Yes, we have come a long way... the hardest thing for me , in understanding whether I am a Submissive or a Slave is the one issue you brought up, AdamTaylor. I was convinced that a Slave has no say whatsoever. And, so, for me, I was content calling myself a Submissive... the reality is that 100% power control is , at least, in my opinion, not reality... there is , invariably, going to be an issue surface at one point or another where the Slave feels the need to question something based on a health issue or what have you. I find that I do end up feeling even more respect for him after he has listened to my concerns and reacted accordingly... Respect is HUGE. I do have a bit of a dominance in my personality, and, yet, I could never, ever be content being with a man that isn't the stronger, more dominant figure in the relationship. He has been very vocal that my outside demands, family issues, what have you, will be taken into consideration as well. That he will never put me in a situation where I have to make a decision to put my teenager's needs secondary to his, for example. My respect for him only grows stronger as time goes on because of the respect he shows me. Its all a revolving process, as it should be.

DomDolf -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 10:44:36 AM)
I really do not want to get into great detail here, but I had a submissive with a temper. She was able to tame it almost always. She lost it once after drinking too much. She did this in front of others at a BDSM friendly party, which embarrassed me. We left the event. I dismissed her. I have zero tolerance for such behavior in the first place and then to do it in front of people I considered my friends within the Ds community was unforgivable. Dolf

catize -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 10:45:46 AM)
quote: For the subs, have you ever been one? Anger is a valid emotion; of course I get angry! What I do with that anger and how I express it is what makes it appropriate or not. People who say they "never" get angry scare me because I imagine them as ready to boil over someday---and I don't want to be anywhere near by when that happens.

PsyVamp -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 11:44:09 AM)
I have a sub with a temper. He is young though and beginning to get a handle on it. I see so much of how I was at that age in him..thoughts/emotions/immaturity level.. sometimes I handle the situation correctly, and sometimes my own ego gets in the way. People that know us tell me that I am very patient with him, but believe me, I don't always feel it... (((my next pet is NOT going to be a mostly dominant switch..lol))) Lady Jag

leadership527 -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 11:52:43 AM)
Mine has a temper which very very rarely comes out. For the most part, when it does, it's a sign of a deeper problem going on. That being said, whereas as her husband, I did allow such outbursts (under the theory that they were so radically rare that it really wasn't worth making an issue over). As her master, this has happened once so far and I chose to not allow it. I'm still not going to make a huge issue out of something which happens once every 2-3 years, but I no longer wish to allow such things because of the erosion that behavior causes in the master/slave roles. I don't get angry in return. I don't punish. I just don't allow it. In our case, the marriage is 11 years long, the collaring about 9 months. So far, both are working out pretty well, but get back to me in 40 - 50 years and I'll let you know how it all came out laughs. In my opinion as a dominant, I could work with pretty much any personality type that wanted to be worked with. Intention and commitment are the keys... everything else can be massaged, worked around, adjusted, etc. I don't see why issues around basic discipline, communication skills, and anger management should be particularly difficult to work with given the spread of other things that I've had to get involved with.

LaTigresse -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 12:36:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: moMogan For the doms/dommes out there, have you ever had a sub with a temper? For the subs, have you ever been one? How did you handle it and how did the relationship work out? I've found the being stubborn also comes with being tempermental, so please include any insight on that as well. I appreciate any and all answers/comments. To me, a temper is just immaturity and poorly directed anger management. Something I work very hard to avoid in myself and will not allow in people around me. Anger is natural. Throwing a temper tantrum is just childish and shows no self control at all. Don't want someone like this around, won't put up with it. The same with passive aggressive behaviour.

Pyrrsefanie -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 12:37:59 PM)
My boy's got quite a temper on him. Then again I've chalked most of it up to "he's never had real consequences for it before" and "he's in his early 20s, lawl." He's gotten much better about it since we first met. I find that on the few occasions it comes out during play, it's frustration-based. He doesn't like to disappoint me and when I tell him he's misbehaved he starts acting like a spoiled little boy or a know-it-all ("well, if you had just done it THIS way we wouldn't have this problem..."). It used to throw me off... now I just push a gag into his mouth and leave him sitting there till he can get over himself. Usually takes a few minutes but he eventually gets the hint and then comes over to nuzzle against my shoulder and apologize. And then outside of the D/s play, good lord, he's let the inner beast out a few times and it's quite a sight to behold. Previously people just backed down when he started bellowing. Luckily I'm the kind of girl who loves a good fight and will not hesitate to throw it right back at someone, so we really cancel each other's tempers out. [:D] He knows better than to lay a hand on me, though. He may be a foot taller than me and have more muscle in his little finger than I do in my whole body, but he knows I could fuck him up if I ever needed to defend myself. An ex of mine decided to use me as a punching bag and... well... I decided to rearrange his face a little. 'Course I also like to think he doesn't hit me because he loves me and all that, but whatever, gotta thrust that e-peen out somehow. [8\|]

windchymes -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 12:57:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse To me, *a temper is just immaturity* and poorly directed anger management. Something I work very hard to avoid in myself and will not allow in people around me. Anger is natural. Throwing a temper tantrum is just childish and shows no self control at all. LOL, I read your "Doms with tempers" thread first and posted that same thing over there! What I find very 'uncute' are the subs who brag and giggle about what adorable 'lil brats' they are.

littlewonder -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 1:45:17 PM)
I would think having a temper would be a huge negative to any relationship, especially a slave/sub who has one. I mean who really is in control of the relationship at that point? Where does one give in to their dominant if their temper is controlling their life? How are you serving him/her if it's all about you and your anger and getting what you want because really..isn't that what having a temper is all about? You?

littlesarbonn -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 2:01:02 PM)
I used to have a temper when I was younger. West Point and 7 years of military service pretty much eliminated it, thankfully. I say thankfully because I didn't get involved in actual bdsm relationships until after I got out of the service, and that temper remained dormant ever since. You might even say I'm a much more peaceful person BECAUSE of having been in the military than I was before I joined, which logic would seem to point the opposite direction. I do know that that old temper is EXTREMELY under strict control, and it hasn't reared its head in decades.

Sandyshores29718 -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 2:11:39 PM)
fast reply I have a temper, but it never really shows its face. It takes a great deal to get me to that point. I've a very relaxed person and really hate fighting/yelling; therefore, I shall try to not get anger. Sad thing is, once I've been pushed past that point it takes a while to get me back down. I can honestly said I have only been really angry 3 or 4 times my whole life. Once this year when my roommate thought she had the right to judge me and my life and well she was just being a witch. Most of the time I just let things go. I dont see the point in getting upset over little things that dont matter in the end. Why waste your time and energy on small things? Also, even when my temper shows I never ever touch someone in anger thats a big no no in my book.

Prinsexx -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 2:17:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: moMogan For the doms/dommes out there, have you ever had a sub with a temper? For the subs, have you ever been one? How did you handle it and how did the relationship work out? I've found the being stubborn also comes with being tempermental, so please include any insight on that as well. I appreciate any and all answers/comments. This is the flip side of the other thread on dominants with a temper. Of course i have a temper. Of course that's what i put my trust in someone to contain it. Nothing more glorious than being 'allowed' to be wrong, 'allowed' to have reaction. For me that is better than any pre-conceived signal of limitation. It's natural rather than role play. Wow how i have kicked off....and wow how i respect the One who understands the genesis of it. The genesis of my temper is rarely ever what's directly going on in the scene. It' susually a reaction as a result of flashback.

mbes -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 2:59:38 PM)
I see a temper as part of the basic personality. I have one, I got it from my parents, and it's part of me. I'm high-strung. The upside is that I'm enthusiastic. The downside is that I have a temper. I don't see a way to excise one without excising the other. Screw it, I'm keeping both. The expression of it is what matters. I'm still not perfect and my temper gets away from me from time to time. I'll eviscerate you if you stand still for it. If you stand still for it, I won't have a single qualm over it, either. My goal is using it wisely, not eradicating it. I'm sure there are doms that would run like hell from me. That's ok, I'd probably run from them as well. [:D]

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