RE: subs with a temper

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LaTigresse -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 3:12:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: windchymes quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse To me, *a temper is just immaturity* and poorly directed anger management. Something I work very hard to avoid in myself and will not allow in people around me. Anger is natural. Throwing a temper tantrum is just childish and shows no self control at all. LOL, I read your "Doms with tempers" thread first and posted that same thing over there! What I find very 'uncute' are the subs who brag and giggle about what adorable 'lil brats' they are. Very uncute indeed. It basically turns my stomach. I just cannot find anything adorable in a brat. Another thing I just thought of, whether right or wrong of me, I always think less of a dominant that tollerates that crap.

IvyMorgan -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 3:39:07 PM)
I used to lose my temper. The last time it was very bad was when I was 14. I've gotten angry once recently, it was a lot of little things, combined with my hormones being completely out of wack that did it. I'm bipolar, I keep a tight reign on my emotions, cos I know it all goes wrong when they get out of sync. It was the first time in years. I do not know how to deal with being angry. It's a good thing it does not happen often.

WizardOfDelphi -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 5:49:23 PM)
I had a least one long-term submissive who had a temper and was stubborn. She was quite aggressive and had no problem "stepping up" to anyone even for what I would consider to be very minor and probably unintentional slights. But she never, ever tried that shit with me. I would not tolerate a submissive of mine going off on me. Being stubborn goes along with this. If your my submissive and you agreed to do as I say, then there is no room for being stubborn. Either, throwing a temper tantrum or being stubborn, shows a complete lack of respect. If a submissive respects me as their dominant then they damn well better control themselves. I'm firm, but quite reasonable so its unlikely there would ever be a justifiable reason for them to go off at me. If they don't respect me as their dominant then why the hell are they there? I haven't had that happen, but if it did I'd tell them to buzz off. Now, going off at others can sometimes be amusing. I would get a real kick from watching her go off on some poor schmuck of a dom who dared treat her as a submissive to them. They had not earned her respect and she was not their submissive. But even here she was capable of showing restraint. She understood that her actions reflect on me, so it was equally fun for me to watch her get ticked off at someone else and try like hell to hide it. The very first time we ever played, she tried to talk back to me and showed attitude. So I grabbed her by the hair and very rapidly corrected that behavior. I set it straight who was dominant in the relationship. Not that there was any confusion, she had spent evening sitting at my feet while attending a lifestyle event. But the point of that correction was to emphasis the fact that I would not put up with poor behavior. Because I knew something of her personality and I wanted to get that straightened out right quick. Discipline was the correct tool for this and it worked. From that point on she completely behaved herself and I never had to worry about that again.

WizardOfDelphi -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 6:09:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse Another thing I just thought of, whether right or wrong of me, I always think less of a dominant that tollerates that crap. I generally agree with you. Note, however, that having a temper or otherwise going off is different than being a brat. But, there are good reasons to potentially put up with this sort of crap though. Lets say the dominant had the nature of a teacher, guide, daddy/mommy or the like in them and the reason they were engaged in the relationship was to help the submissive work on some underlying problem(s). Maybe their goal is to try and help the submissive come to terms with issues, improve their behavior or otherwise learn and improve. I have engaged in these sorts of relationships at times. Because I came across someone who was lost or broken or just needed a helping hand whom I believed I could reasonably help. Sometimes these are the hardest relationships for a dominant to engage in because they may not be what the dominant actually seeks or wants. A dominant will sometimes put up with behaviors or other problems in such a relationship that they would not typically allow. Been there, done that. But the idea is that there is something in there, probably down pretty deep, that is causing the surface behaviors. Sometimes they don't even understand the underlying problem and you have to help them figure out what it is. Because its damn near impossible to correct or change something you don't understand. Most of the world is probably oblivious to this. Generally the dominant knows some people may judge them according to what they are seen putting up with even though the context isn't really understood. So, next time you judge a dom for putting up with something, at least take a moment to consider why that might be. Some dominants are push overs and will just take it. Others are not. Don't assume the former just because you see something to the contrary occasionally. I'd suggest looking for patterns in behavior spread accross multiple partners to get an accurate picture. Also, you could always approach them somewhere place and time appropriate to ask them why they tollerate the behavior you saw. Often its really better to not assume. So ask.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 10:40:41 PM)
To the OP....everyone has a temper in one form or another, it simply depends on how much tolerence or control you have upon it and what form it takes when it does come out.We all have certain button pushing issues...mine are my loved ones..even a mild joking derogatory remark will have me ripping one to shreds in 10 seconds flat verbally.So yes, I have a temper, but personally I feel that it is one that generally does not rear its nasty head...Most of the time the most negative reaction I feel and may display would be one of disgust,or feelings of antipathy...Tempting

Leatherist -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 10:42:34 PM)
Why yes, I have. After being kindly asked to act as adults in expression-many times, I decided we would be better apart.

NuevaVida -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 11:12:16 PM)
I used to have a terrible temper. I had all this rage built up inside of me from years of abuse and being stifled from expressing myself. So when I would get angry all I could do was blow up. It wasn't a violent rage, it was mostly an internal one where my blood pressure would practically boil over and I would end up yelling but not really saying anything because I didn't know how to communicate. It was pretty awful. I went to therapy to try to figure things out and at the same time, my former Master had made it very clear he did not tolerate disrespectful behavior from me, and that included raising my voice to him. It was a sure-fire way to end any discussion pronto, until I was able to gather my thoughts and talk rationally. Over time and with a lot of work, I learned to express myself. I learned how to make sense of what I was feeling and to communicate it. When I was in those former rages, it was as though all these words were swirling around above my head, not in any particular order, and I couldn't make sense of them. My therapist taught me to be brave enough to look at myself, and my Master taught me self reflection and self analysis. The combination of the two allowed me to begin to know what I was feeling when I was feeling it, and express it in a way others could understand. I don't have that inner rage anymore and having a temper isn't an issue with me. Neither is my blood pressure!

Hisgirl2playwith -> RE: subs with a temper (8/17/2008 11:18:30 PM)
Anyone heard of the Dammit Dolls? Wonderful alternative to beating the stuffing outta Your sub/slave [:D].........or giving a sub/slave a better alternative to destroying anything else should the desire for a physical expression of anger or frustration ever come up.

RavenMuse -> RE: subs with a temper (8/18/2008 4:57:13 AM)
I delt with it the same as I do any emotion My girl has.... she isn't blaimed for having the emotion, you can't control what emotion you feel.... she is however held to account for what she DOES about those emotions. Actions CAN be controled. If she is angry at something and having problems controlling her actions I will take her off to one side and help her calm down so she can think and deal with it rationaly. If it is Me she is angry at she asks for a few minutes to compose herself and does the same thing.

stella41b -> RE: subs with a temper (8/18/2008 6:15:20 AM)
Yes I have a temper.. I guess this to those who know me comes as a bit of a shock but I have the 'mushroom cloud' variety of temper which is rarely if ever seen and is directed not at people but at situations and circumstances. I tend to try and mix my negative emotions in with more positive ones, I have a sharp tongue at times but also tend to make use of humour - sarcasm, irony, parody and wit and this is often how it comes out. I figure that the best way of expressing your anger and not getting into an argument is to use humour. I also know no fear. I guess I've been put through a lot of things in life which have caused me to be afraid, nothing much really bothers me now. I don't mind a bit of melodrama now and then, drama queens or people who whine I can also deal with. In fact sometimes they make amusing company. Yes it is immature and yes it is weak, but you know people can't be strong all the time and childhood lasts throughout all of your life. I mean let's face it, people only lose their tempers when they've got the wrong end of the stick, they're confronted with something they don't understand, they're disappointed, or they're taking something, someone or themselves way too seriously. I don't care who you are or how old you are, somewhere inside you is a big kid who sometimes needs to be let out. It's only for you to decide how. This is how I see it.

LaTigresse -> RE: subs with a temper (8/18/2008 6:29:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WizardOfDelphi Also, you could always approach them somewhere place and time appropriate to ask them why they tollerate the behavior you saw. Often its really better to not assume. So ask. Somehow I don't really see that going well. I can imagine that there might be a situation as you've described, however I would bet money that in reality it is few and far between. I am going to take a wild guess, knowing that most of the times I see this it is male dominants and female submissives, usually fairly young and attractive.......it is more of a supply and demand type situtation. The guy is just glad to be getting his dick sucked and willing to put whatever spin on it he wants and tollerate an awful lot, to continue getting his dick sucked. In return the female dangles the sexual favours as a carrot for her macho daddy dom, that in reality she has wrapped around her cute brat little finger. Of course there is the off chance that he will honestly help her work her through some issues and withhold all sex from her, so that she cannot use it to manipulate him.......cuz you know.......he is more concerned with helping her than a little instant gratification of his own......

Bethnai -> RE: subs with a temper (8/18/2008 6:52:51 AM)
I have a temper, rather, I like the way it was put previously, I get angry. Not once did it interfere with my relationship. It takes quite a bit to push me to the point of expressing it negatively. It will either cave in or go out. Given the time, it can get processed into something productive. No time, it becomes self destructive. For me, that isn't optional----for long. My anger has a tendency to build and I will usually give warning before I go off. I do not go off on random shit. Once I get to that point, I do everything in my power to make sure that no one is puzzled by why. I mean ............hell, I just asked her if she wanted coffee. I also agree with princexx.

SmartQuietMan -> RE: subs with a temper (8/18/2008 9:14:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse I delt with it the same as I do any emotion My girl has.... she isn't blaimed for having the emotion, you can't control what emotion you feel.... she is however held to account for what she DOES about those emotions. Actions CAN be controled. That is a very good point. Its really the actions that are at issue and those can be controlled.

bratnwranglers -> RE: subs with a temper (8/18/2008 10:22:21 AM)
i have a temper, but its controlled most of the time. i think its completely normal, subs/slaves are still human, we have emotions and feelings, if we didn't i would be a little worried, thats very unhealthy (and thats probably the one that is going to chop you into little pieces while you are sleeping...just saying..) The key is communicating them effectively to avoid a "blow up" or loosing your temper, and on the flipside, having a Master that is there for you to talk to to express when you are feeling angry, hurt, or upset. Now granted, there is a time and a place for everything, and some people are just insane and mentally not stable, but if both are communicating a temper really should never come into play.

Daes -> RE: subs with a temper (8/18/2008 12:23:50 PM)
I was in the other thread, now I feel like joining this one. I handle my anger fairly well, specifically if I know that my anger is irrational and the best thing would be to calm down or let whatever's bothering me to just go away. I let a Lot of things go, I shrug a lot of things off my shoulders... but when things Do really bother me.. I consider myself to be a very calm and rational person. It's came out mainly when I feel justified being angry because I feel I am being treated unfairly, being taken advantage of, or I feel like I'm being attacked in some way. This of course makes me very difficult to deal with because I feel I'm "right" and justified. My temper comes out based upon how others respond to this kind of behavior because I feel I am being fair - so in my perspective, if I voice my personal feelings about whatever subject in a straightforward way, being Angry rather than being understanding where I'm coming from can make the whole situation 10 times worse because I don't feel I'm being unreasonable. The fact that I brought up whatever it is, means it Has been bothering me and I feel a talk would rectify the problem. At this point I've already been brooding about the subject matter looking at it from all sides and feeling hypersensitive. An explosive reaction would be the Worst kind of reaction to have when I'm like this. Depending on the subject matter, it has the potential to do some real damage to my relationship with the person involved. I do keep it in control. I don't yell or shout or insult. I'm very straightforward and convey my feelings in a polite and direct way... unless I'm being 'attacked' in some way, which puts me on the defensive.

pixidustpet -> RE: subs with a temper (8/18/2008 1:15:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: catize quote: For the subs, have you ever been one? Anger is a valid emotion; of course I get angry! What I do with that anger and how I express it is what makes it appropriate or not. People who say they "never" get angry scare me because I imagine them as ready to boil over someday---and I don't want to be anywhere near by when that happens. yes, this!!!!! i was having an over emotional bad day friday. TheEngineer said the wrong thing in the wrong way, and i lost control, snapped at him because he hurt my feelings, and cried..... he listened to me. not only my words, but the whole situation and why i felt the way i did, and got me back to where i could hear him again, and not just react. its not how i feel that can be an issue....its what i do with that feeling. saying "you hurt my feelings badly" is ok, screaming the same words and throwing a temper tantrum is not. especially if i throw things, too. kitten

candystripper -> RE: subs with a temper (8/18/2008 1:25:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: moMogan For the doms/dommes out there, have you ever had a sub with a temper? For the subs, have you ever been one? How did you handle it and how did the relationship work out? I've found the being stubborn also comes with being tempermental, so please include any insight on that as well. I appreciate any and all answers/comments. Gee, I guess I just took it on faith that the capacity to experience or express something like 'anger' was hard-wired into the brain at birth. So the question: "What about subs with a temper?' sounds to me like: 'What a 'humanoid' with a brain?' It's a bit like suggesting there might be a group of people who lack an involuntary nervous system...it just doesn't convey anything to me. Sorry...was a good Op, nonetheless candystripper [sm=pole.gif]

Constrictor1 -> RE: subs with a temper (8/18/2008 4:40:37 PM)
I have a standing philosophy in almost all aspects of my life, including my control of others: Never be afraid to escalate a confrontation. While my approach might not be good for most people it works for me. Constrictor1

ADom442 -> RE: subs with a temper (8/18/2008 5:34:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: moMogan For the doms/dommes out there, have you ever had a sub with a temper? ... How did you handle it and how did the relationship work out? I've found the being stubborn also comes with being tempermental, so please include any insight on that as well. I've explained to her that everyone gets angry at times, and sometimes it's necessary to vent that anger. She is required to ask my permission before she lambastes me because I don't want us to both be furious at the same time. She seldom gets to the point where she needs to vent, but when she does and I give her permission, she has a mouth like a sailor! She's vicious too! Stubborn? Yes, she can be, but she doesn't let that interfere with our agreement that she will submit to me. She always does what I tell her, but there are times when she pouts. Those times come less and less often as her confidence in me grows. One thing that's helped that confidence grow is that she's seen me make mistakes, recognize that I've made a mistake, and then work to correct it.

MistressML -> RE: subs with a temper (8/18/2008 7:52:13 PM)
My submissive has a temper. It rarely pokes out its ugly head, but it's there. Anger is a valid emotion in my book and by all means I'm not about to tell my submissive how to feel (that's one thing he does own - his own feelings), but as his dominant I absolutely expect him to express that emotion in a mature and respectful manner. Temper tantrums are for 2 year olds, not for grown men and especially not for my submissive. What do I do when the temper comes out? Grab him by the bollocks, give him "the look" and tell him that his rage is best worked out in the gym. Then he'll get punished later on in the evening (hey, we have children so we have to be discreet!) where he'll have the opportunity to apologise for his outburst, pay retribution and wipe the slate clean. My submissive is his own worst enemy in the emotion department. 99% of the time he is caring, obedient, loving and very service oriented. That goes a long way in my book. But it doesn't excuse a temper tantrum which is, frankly, inappropriate no matter what kind of relationship you're in.

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