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How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 8:06:33 AM

msprudence

Posts: 112
Joined: 7/3/2008
Status: offline

Situation: When I'm in session and the person I'm playing with says "Stop" I stop. Usually this is no problem. Most of the humans I play with are seeking "Domination Lite," so they think it's a good thing. But I have one person who wants to schedule with me who really wants to be able to scream stop and have it ignored. I won't reveal the specific word he wants to use, but it's along the lines of "Pumpernickel." He's still got to decide if he wants to session with me- since I've been clear with him that I'm hardwired to stop when someone asks me to. But it makes me wonder:

How attached are YOU to your safeword?

Post #: 1

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 8:51:36 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

I dont use safewords, so I'm not attached at all.

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RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 9:09:08 AM

Maxwell67

Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

*FR*
I gave my sub a safeword, so she uses it. That being said, unless we were role playing some elaporate rape or torture scenario, if she yelled "stop" I would stop. Once she has been stimulated to a certain point it's harder for her to think clearly and I am not going to trust that she will remeber to use her safeword every time just yet. Perhaps with a few more years that will change, but for now I don't see any need to risk it. It is more important to me that she knows if she wants to stop I will respect that.

(in reply to msprudence)

Post #: 3

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 9:12:23 AM

whiteslavebitch

Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

I have never had to safeword with MasterK, he stops when he is ready, or when he determines that I have had enough. Occasionally we have to take a short break if I'm having a muscle cramp or something.

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formally collared 1/30/09

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(in reply to msprudence)

Post #: 4

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 9:14:12 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: msprudence

Situation: When I'm in session and the person I'm playing with says "Stop" I stop. Usually this is no problem. Most of the humans I play with are seeking "Domination Lite," so they think it's a good thing. But I have one person who wants to schedule with me who really wants to be able to scream stop and have it ignored. I won't reveal the specific word he wants to use, but it's along the lines of "Pumpernickel." He's still got to decide if he wants to session with me- since I've been clear with him that I'm hardwired to stop when someone asks me to. But it makes me wonder:

How attached are YOU to your safeword?

If he stopped everytime I said "stop" or "no" or "don't" who would be dominating whom?

Yeah, he gave me a safeword when we first began, I've never used it, but it's there just in case I ever am incapeable of articulating when something is going wrong. I don't want to end up damaged and he doens't want that either. However, so far I've been able to form complete sentences when I have a cramp or my arm is twisted unnaturally or whatever.

But I don't do "lite".

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to msprudence)

Post #: 5

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 9:23:39 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Not attatched because we do not use one. But if you are a dominant who insists on using a safeword to stop, I wouldn't play with you anyway.

the.dark.

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Post #: 6

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 9:25:12 AM

Maxwell67

Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

If he stopped everytime I said "stop" or "no" or "don't" who would be dominating whom?

That's a good point I suppose. Mine never used her safe word til very recently, with the addition of the cane to my repertoire with her (we have been working our way up to it slowly) and I never did stop playing with her if she said "don't" or "no" but rather teased her about it a bit, which never raised any issue. She is irrationally frightened of the cane, however, and IMO some phobias need to be approached with caution. She now has a love/hate relationship with the cane and is getting better about it, so I figure I am doing it right. I still stop when she yells her safe word, though. Having her trust is of primary importance to me. I know the day is fast approaching when her desire for the sting overcomes her fear. I am very patient.

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 7

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 9:32:28 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

Well, that would certainly take the wind out of my sails, especially if I were paying for it. To me, one of the major bonuses of BDSM, from either perspective, is to finally have someone understand that "NO" means "Oh g-d, please make me do it!" and "STOP" means, "Oh g-d, please never stop!"

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A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
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(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 8

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 9:32:29 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maxwell67

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

If he stopped everytime I said "stop" or "no" or "don't" who would be dominating whom?

That's a good point I suppose. Mine never used her safe word til very recently, with the addition of the cane to my repertoire with her (we have been working our way up to it slowly) and I never did stop playing with her if she said "don't" or "no" but rather teased her about it a bit, which never raised any issue. She is irrationally frightened of the cane, however, and IMO some phobias need to be approached with caution. She now has a love/hate relationship with the cane and is getting better about it, so I figure I am doing it right. I still stop when she yells her safe word, though. Having her trust is of primary importance to me. I know the day is fast approaching when her desire for the sting overcomes her fear. I am very patient.

the way I personally see a safeword is that it isn't there for me to use if I don't like something, or if I'm not feeling it that day. I reserve the safeword for emergency use only. If continuation would cause me damage and I could not articulate what was wrong I would use a safe word.

With that said, As far as I know I don't have any mental barriers, no phobias that would cause emotional damage if play continued. But again, I will make sure that m'Lord's property never becomes damaged goods if it's within my power.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 9

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 9:42:54 AM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Over time I have come to see that me having a safeword is and has proven to be unnecessary. With anyone I have played with, we made it clear upfront what our we will and will not engage in thus that guides how the play session will proceed. I've found that the dom I am playing with will stop for a moment and ask how I am doing and by my answers he will judge how much further he will go. This especially holds true when he feels a desire to push some limits and he always proceeds cautiously by frequently asking if I'm okay or asks how I am feeling.

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(in reply to msprudence)

Post #: 10

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 9:43:35 AM

Allondra

Posts: 68
Joined: 7/12/2008
Status: offline

With my boy, I don't have a safeword (well, actually, I think back in the mists of time we had one because it was "the right thing to do", but neither of us remembers what it is). I don't play hard enough with people I don't know well to cause safewording, anyway. If someone has a leg cramp, I expect them to tell me "I have a leg cramp", not holler "weather balloon" and leave me guessing what the problem might be. If they're not doing well with what I'm handing out to them, I've so far always been able to tell before it got to the point of safewording.... Many times they've gone past being verbal, so a safeword wouldn't have helped, in any case.

I know that some people really like safewords; I'm not one of them. I think they give a false sense of security. The top should be paying attention to their bottom like they have a life in their hands, not flailing away until they hear the magic word(s). Your opinion could be different, of course.

(in reply to msprudence)

Post #: 11

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 9:45:00 AM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

I'm very attached to it. It's my real name.

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It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

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Post #: 12

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 9:54:30 AM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline

I donated mine to the Salvation Army about 20 years ago.

~stef

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Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

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Post #: 13

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 10:01:14 AM

Dave1947

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/2/2007
Status: offline

I have had some people into things I am not and I either tell them I can not do that or help them find someone who can or suggest some ways to find someone on their level. I red your profile and it seems you have your rules and if someone is beyond them you just can't be everything for everyone. Dave

< Message edited by Dave1947 -- 8/4/2008 10:03:38 AM >

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Post #: 14

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 10:13:03 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

I'm hardwired for -consent-, regardless of safeword or no safeword. If someone indicates by word or action that xhe no longer consents, I reflexively stop, period. I wouldn't be able to do a scene under the 'feigned non-consent" terms, because the only thing that I really cling to is that despite the fact that much of what I do is painful and has the potential to be very dangerous, it is a consensual act between two individuals.

Calla Firestorm

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to msprudence)

Post #: 15

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 10:13:54 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

There is no safeword for me to be attached to.

I wonder though, if this is a casual play partner or paying partner, and THEY are attached to THEIR word...if the whole point of a safe word is for safety, why not let them use it? What if they're so far gone they can only think of their word??

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to msprudence)

Post #: 16

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 10:37:00 AM

vield

Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Back in ancient history when I used to think I was the sharpest tool in the box I used to invent clever sequences of related terms to denote "all is OK", "please pause and check with me" or "Halt".

That could work, but even if the top or bottom I was playing with remembered what the terms were and was capable of speech when they were needed, this all was a big hassle. The pleasure of being unique simply was not worth the potential confusion.

I found that the simple "red/yellow/green" sequence was pretty universally understood and was easy for everyone to remember.

Add in any rythmic group of three motions, wiggles, squuezes, sounds etc. as a safe sign for times when someone is gagged or is flying beyond the capability of speech and this covers the bases about as well as one can expect.

Yes it is very rare that I or a partner who are intimately connected long term would ever need or want to use a safe sign or signal, but it IS there if needed.

At times a dominant doing heavy play with a very loudly orgasmic sub partner may need reassurance that all is very "Green!!"when the screams get truly awesome.

I also feel that when I am giving a class or working on people strange to me in the dungeon of a major event, I will NOT know the people well enough to be sure I am reading their reactions completely.

LOL in a dimly lit dungeon (as many are) it is comforting to know that I can ask a "victim" or a Domme can ask me "how are you doing" and an answer of green means that at least the "victim" thinks she or he is OK.

If I am the person in charge I am still closely monitoring how the person I am playing with is doing, and I may decide they have had plenty for now even though they still want more.

_____________________________

As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

(in reply to msprudence)

Post #: 17

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 10:42:33 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

To the word itself? Not at all. Most of the time I can't remember it so we always have to pick a new one. However, I am *very* attached to having a safeword so that I can tell him that something is wrong while still being able to yell "STOP, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" as he forces my legs apart.

Sometimes no means yes and God damn it, we like that way.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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(in reply to msprudence)

Post #: 18

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 11:41:49 AM

shiazn03

Posts: 90
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

depends on the Master/Dom i am scening with. from experience, however, i trust them enough to not use it at all.

peace out, all!

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 19

RE: How attached are you to your safeword? - 8/4/2008 12:22:00 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: msprudence

Situation: When I'm in session and the person I'm playing with says "Stop" I stop. Usually this is no problem. Most of the humans I play with are seeking "Domination Lite," so they think it's a good thing. But I have one person who wants to schedule with me who really wants to be able to scream stop and have it ignored. I won't reveal the specific word he wants to use, but it's along the lines of "Pumpernickel." He's still got to decide if he wants to session with me- since I've been clear with him that I'm hardwired to stop when someone asks me to. But it makes me wonder:

How attached are YOU to your safeword?

Safeword?

What the fuck is a safeword?

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to msprudence)

Post #: 20

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