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The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 12:45:49 AM

Incessantdesire

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Joined: 7/27/2008
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What's wrong with wanting stability, and not having to question whether or not the person really cares?
I have been accused of loving too much, giving too much. When someone says they want all of you, they want you to be open and not hold anything back. why do they then pull away when you start opening up and being honest about your feelings? What do they really want? What's wrong with caring about someone unconditionally? I don't understand guys and I don't think I ever will. Why is it that what I give never seems to be enough? Love hurts especially when it's unrequited. One sided love affairs are all I seem to have.

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RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 2:10:43 AM

Hippiekinkster

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You ain't alone and I don't want to get into it all now.

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RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 2:52:20 AM

HeavansKeeper

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Joined: 5/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Incessantdesire

What's wrong with wanting stability, and not having to question whether or not the person really cares?
I have been accused of loving too much, giving too much. When someone says they want all of you, they want you to be open and not hold anything back. why do they then pull away when you start opening up and being honest about your feelings? What do they really want? What's wrong with caring about someone unconditionally? I don't understand guys and I don't think I ever will. Why is it that what I give never seems to be enough? Love hurts especially when it's unrequited. One sided love affairs are all I seem to have.

There's nothing wrong with wanting the best sort of relationship.

Perhaps you're not loving too much, but they're not loving enough. In any relationship, someone loves the other more. Sometimes the difference is slight, other times it drives her to posting on the internet about it. When the person who loves less seems to have this power over you, it is the principle of least interest. He doesn't feel a "need" for you, like you feel a "need" for him. That allows him to be more removed.

Most men want a sane woman who understands their desires: Camaraderie, food, sex, love, and TV. I've been "loved too much" and I find it stifling. I'm a man who needs some space. I need a woman who understands I want friends and family and me-time. (That doesn't mean she can't be involved, but just that she is not the focus of my attention all the time). I've told My Pet "I'll never be your everything. You will never be my everything." There are other parts of life.

You keep asking about giving him more... Does he want more.. or less?

All relationships either last forever or end. If you decide this is the one, great. If you decide it isn't, great. Have a chat with him, but if you ask "Do you want me to love you less?" you're not allowed to be upset if he answers honestly.

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RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 3:10:28 AM

Incessantdesire

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Joined: 7/27/2008
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I've ended it. He is also someone that needs space and I do give him space, sometimes I don't talk to him for days. It's like you said i guess, he doesn't need me. It's sad and I don't know if I will get over him, but he wanted to be free so I set him free. I doubt he ever really felt anything for me. I should have known better.

quote:

You keep asking about giving him more... Does he want more.. or less?

I don't know what he wanted because he would say he wanted so much to happen between us then become extremely distant. I don't know what he wants now, all I know is that it's not me.

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 4

RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 7:23:05 AM

OTKkindaGirl

Posts: 447
Joined: 12/26/2005
From: NW Arkansas
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i understand this phrase all too well. when i was married (vanilla)there wasn't anything i wouldn't do for my man. i catered to his every whim if he made me aware of it. if he looked at something with longing i would get it for him (material things). i would get him tickets to see his favorite pro football team, or tickets to nascar, whatever he wished. hell, i even excepted it when he started cheating on me. i gave him all the space he required but it didn't reward me with much of anything in return (except maybe a few days of quiet without him). when we went to counselling (which i couldn't believe he actually went through with) he said that i "loved him too much" and he was asked "how so?". "she forgives me everything, i can do anything and she forgives me, even when i hit her." it wasn't that i was smothering him, it was that i allowed him his personal freedom (which he would not allow me) and he felt that he didn't deserve me. i was "too good" for him. his words. i paid a price that he set for me by loving him too much.

it is possible to love unconditonally, a majority of the people just don't know how to deal with it, especially if it seems lopsided. i only love one way and i am not one to obsess over somebody else. there is just as much a balance to love as there is to life, it's just finding that balance with the right person. wish it could be easier because i have always loved teeter-tottering especially when i can balance and see eye to eye with my partner. *wink*

don't be discouraged, just assess the experience and learn from it. in the words of Billie Holiday, "unrequited love is a drag". but this too, you can move past. it will peek out from time to time. in those times, reflect not only the positive but the negative as well, so you are less likely to obsess about it and depress yourself. you aren't alone.

sweetness to you

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~~ lil darlin' ~~
hope

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RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 7:26:05 AM

Leatherist

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Some people use love as an excuse to be emotional/time vampires.

It will very quickly burn out the majority of people this is done to.

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Post #: 6

RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 7:28:17 AM

kittinSol

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If it's an excuse to vampirise, it's not love. It's need, it's attachment, it's want... but it's not love.

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RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 7:28:59 AM

kdsub

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Joined: 8/16/2007
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As a half man…just reading your post scares the hell out of me. Love yes... clinging…no.

Some women have a way of creeping men out especially when constantly evaluating every word and action to judge how much they are loved.

Butch

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Post #: 8

RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 7:32:47 AM

Leatherist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

If it's an excuse to vampirise, it's not love. It's need, it's attachment, it's want... but it's not love.

I've been around emotionally creepy women who were just like that. They used it as a rationaliztion for some of the most obssessive and demanding behavior imaginible.

It's like having an albatross around your neck24/7-I prefer not to live under that sort of a spot light.

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My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

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Post #: 9

RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 7:37:50 AM

OTKkindaGirl

Posts: 447
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From: NW Arkansas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

If it's an excuse to vampirise, it's not love. It's need, it's attachment, it's want... but it's not love.

I've been around emotionally creepy women who were just like that. They used it as a rationaliztion for some of the most obssessive and demanding behavior imaginible.

It's like having an albatross around your neck24/7-I prefer not to live under that sort of a spot light.

i've been around men like that and hell yes, it is really creepy!!!!! even for a girl like me!

<~~~~~~~~ so NOT obsessive

_____________________________

~~ lil darlin' ~~
hope

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Post #: 10

RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 7:37:51 AM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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There is beauty in being single. You might not see that until you are in your 40s. Make a name/life for yourself- and let the men hit the road. You dont need them.

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Post #: 11

RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 8:05:59 AM

MmeGigs

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Joined: 1/26/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Incessantdesire
What's wrong with wanting stability, and not having to question whether or not the person really cares?

Absolutely nothing. Seems to me that's pretty much the goal of a committed relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Incessantdesire
I have been accused of loving too much, giving too much. When someone says they want all of you, they want you to be open and not hold anything back. why do they then pull away when you start opening up and being honest about your feelings? What do they really want?

I am speaking as one who has been there and done that. In my early dating years, when I connected well with a fellow I tended to just drop all of the walls and let everything out. I don't like to waste time and figured this was the best way for them to get to know me. I assumed they'd do the same. It scared them away. When I restarted dating many years later, I found myself doing that again, and again it scared them away. I had to make some changes. I've been on the other side of this, too, and have been scared off by fellows who show me too much too soon.

It's easy to get caught up in New Relationship Energy and feel a deep connection with someone that isn't really there - at least not yet. We want to show them who we are, warts and all, and they're just not ready for it. They don't know enough wonderful things about us to counterbalance the perhaps not-so-wonderful things we're throwing at them. We want to tell them that we think they're wonderful and can see some future in this relationship, not meaning to push but just letting them know how we feel, but they haven't decided yet where they want to go with it and feel pressured to make a decision. If they aren't ready to commit or to at least say they're considering a commitment, the only decision they can make is to let us go. To do anything else would be leading us on.

This isn't a guy problem. There are men who will tell you that the same thing has happened to them - they try to show a girl how much they like her and she runs off. Men are all very different. They want different things, communicate differently, have different goals and needs. If one-sided love affairs are really all you're having, maybe you're choosing the wrong men. It might be time to sit down and take a serious look at what you want from a relationship and what kind of a man you're most likely to find that with. What do you want your life to look like 5 or 10 years into a really good relationship? Where do you live, what do you do for fun, how many kids do you have, what kind of pets, how much time do you spend together? Who does the housework, how often do you visit relatives, how often do they visit you? Do you play at home, at parties, with others, do you hang out with vanilla friends or kinky friends or both? You can't find a fellow with compatible goals and needs if you don't know what your goals and needs are.

When it comes to displaying intimacy, since that's your specific question, there are people (of both genders) who are comfortable with holding hands, public displays of affection, sharing secrets, talking about feelings and such and people who aren't. And people who are somewhere in the middle. For me, I needed a hand-holdy, public displays of affection, able to communicate straightforwardly about the relationship but doesn't need constant reassurance or to tell me absolutely everything that's on his mind kind of guy. Looking back on fellows I've dated who I thought were wonderful (and they were and are) but just didn't work out, most weren't hand holders or public smoochers, and they weren't comfortable when I'd try to do these things.

You may want to try to be a bit more reserved in the early stages. Take your time and get to know the guy and think seriously about how he fits into your picture of a really good relationship. Wait for the New Relationship Energy to wear off some before starting conversations about where the relationship is going.

(in reply to Incessantdesire)

Post #: 12

RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 8:25:55 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Are you loving too much or are you codependent?
Why do you always pick men who are afraid of emotional intimacy? What important male figure in your past was physically and/or emotionally unavailable? What do you need to do in order to change your patterns of picking these men in the forlorn hope that they will magically change and it will suddenly come out right?

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RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 9:24:15 AM

daddysliloneds

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Joined: 6/28/2006
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i'm one of those sappy old fools that feels like i can never love too much; it's when someone expects their love to be reciprocated that they start feeling lost and without hope...

see the thing is, if it's unconditional love, it means that there are no conditions, aka meaning they don't have to love you back. see where i'm going with this?

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Post #: 14

RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 9:24:56 AM

MusicalBoredom

Posts: 620
Joined: 5/8/2007
From: Louisiana/New York
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Two things come to mind. The first is about "honesty." I hear a lot of things that are called "honesty" but are really not honest at all. I have heard a lot of sentences that start with "you did..." or "i feel like you..." that talk about how the other person did something to them in some way. In most of those cases the honest statement would be "I'm scared" or "I feel completely vulnerable and don't know how to deal" or even "I'm very insecure and don't know how to handle it." Now at that point you would be talking about the true, real and honest levels of feelings. To just talk about what the other person does without taking responsibility for our feelings being our own and what's the bottom of it is much less that honest.

The other thing is that every time I've been in the place of thinking how "every relationship" is "X" I'm always missing how I set it up. I either am attracted to the people that do the thing I don't like or my behavior somehow brings that characteristic in people. Either way, it's me that needs the work and growth, not the rest of the world.

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RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 11:06:57 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Incessantdesire

What's wrong with wanting stability, and not having to question whether or not the person really cares?
I have been accused of loving too much, giving too much. When someone says they want all of you, they want you to be open and not hold anything back. why do they then pull away when you start opening up and being honest about your feelings? What do they really want? What's wrong with caring about someone unconditionally? I don't understand guys and I don't think I ever will. Why is it that what I give never seems to be enough? Love hurts especially when it's unrequited. One sided love affairs are all I seem to have.

Perhaps you are oversharing too quickly. Perhaps you are "falling in love" too quickly. Figure out what it is that puts you in this position time and time again, and perhaps check into some cognitive behavioral therapy to help you improve your relationship skills.

(in reply to Incessantdesire)

Post #: 16

RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 12:36:27 PM

Incessantdesire

Posts: 6
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

DesFIP I think it's more loving too much than being codependent. I never had a good relationship with my dad so that's probably why...
kittinsol : I do really care about him, I was not trying to vampirise, or be creepy or clingy.
I didn't plan to become attached, I wasn't looking for anything serious when I met him.

daddysliloneds I see where you're going.

Thanks for the comments and advice everyone.
OTKkindaGirl sweetness to you aswell.

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Post #: 17

RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 12:38:20 PM

Incessantdesire

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Joined: 7/27/2008
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I don't trust easily so it takes awhile for me to open up, I started sharing things with him after he told me he felt strongly connected to me and that he wanted us to be more open with each other.

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Post #: 18

RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 12:42:13 PM

Incessantdesire

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Joined: 7/27/2008
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I'm not blaming him, I am also responsible for what happened, I often take full responsibility when things go wrong, and he has said it isn't my fault, but I do know that I am a part of it just as much as he is.

(in reply to MusicalBoredom)

Post #: 19

RE: The habit of loving too much - 7/27/2008 1:43:23 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
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Over The Knee,

Your story reminds me of my distaste for overcook pasta.

Thank you for sharing, it made things clearer for me, and probably others.

_____________________________

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... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

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Post #: 20

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