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MmeGigs -> RE: The habit of loving too much (7/27/2008 8:05:59 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Incessantdesire
What's wrong with wanting stability, and not having to question whether or not the person really cares?
Absolutely nothing. Seems to me that's pretty much the goal of a committed relationship.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Incessantdesire
I have been accused of loving too much, giving too much. When someone says they want all of you, they want you to be open and not hold anything back. why do they then pull away when you start opening up and being honest about your feelings? What do they really want?
I am speaking as one who has been there and done that. In my early dating years, when I connected well with a fellow I tended to just drop all of the walls and let everything out. I don't like to waste time and figured this was the best way for them to get to know me. I assumed they'd do the same. It scared them away. When I restarted dating many years later, I found myself doing that again, and again it scared them away. I had to make some changes. I've been on the other side of this, too, and have been scared off by fellows who show me too much too soon.
It's easy to get caught up in New Relationship Energy and feel a deep connection with someone that isn't really there - at least not yet. We want to show them who we are, warts and all, and they're just not ready for it. They don't know enough wonderful things about us to counterbalance the perhaps not-so-wonderful things we're throwing at them. We want to tell them that we think they're wonderful and can see some future in this relationship, not meaning to push but just letting them know how we feel, but they haven't decided yet where they want to go with it and feel pressured to make a decision. If they aren't ready to commit or to at least say they're considering a commitment, the only decision they can make is to let us go. To do anything else would be leading us on.
This isn't a guy problem. There are men who will tell you that the same thing has happened to them - they try to show a girl how much they like her and she runs off. Men are all very different. They want different things, communicate differently, have different goals and needs. If one-sided love affairs are really all you're having, maybe you're choosing the wrong men. It might be time to sit down and take a serious look at what you want from a relationship and what kind of a man you're most likely to find that with. What do you want your life to look like 5 or 10 years into a really good relationship? Where do you live, what do you do for fun, how many kids do you have, what kind of pets, how much time do you spend together? Who does the housework, how often do you visit relatives, how often do they visit you? Do you play at home, at parties, with others, do you hang out with vanilla friends or kinky friends or both? You can't find a fellow with compatible goals and needs if you don't know what your goals and needs are.
When it comes to displaying intimacy, since that's your specific question, there are people (of both genders) who are comfortable with holding hands, public displays of affection, sharing secrets, talking about feelings and such and people who aren't. And people who are somewhere in the middle. For me, I needed a hand-holdy, public displays of affection, able to communicate straightforwardly about the relationship but doesn't need constant reassurance or to tell me absolutely everything that's on his mind kind of guy. Looking back on fellows I've dated who I thought were wonderful (and they were and are) but just didn't work out, most weren't hand holders or public smoochers, and they weren't comfortable when I'd try to do these things.
You may want to try to be a bit more reserved in the early stages. Take your time and get to know the guy and think seriously about how he fits into your picture of a really good relationship. Wait for the New Relationship Energy to wear off some before starting conversations about where the relationship is going.
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