Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

love first bdsm second


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> love first bdsm second Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
love first bdsm second - 7/21/2008 9:39:31 PM   
jim64


Posts: 86
Joined: 10/21/2007
Status: offline 		I wonder, question to all? How many are in bdsm with someone they were already with? This is a large group and I know that many are here searching.
I have started this venture with my wife. We are on a journey together. Who else has "started" this way?  This is vs single person meeting another.
Are there any other couples that started as kinky/vanilla and have found this same path?
jim the idiot
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/21/2008 10:09:01 PM   
kikkikat


Posts: 60
Joined: 7/16/2008
Status: offline 		Not exactly what you are looking for. . but we are the opposite. 
First we were Dom/ sub and after a few months it developed into boyfriend/girlfriend as well. 
7 years later we are still together.

_____________________________

~Kat

(in reply to jim64)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/21/2008 11:43:13 PM   
abcbsex


Posts: 478
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline 		Alpha and I only started participating in bdsm activities after we were married. We were interested beforehand, but for us, being married makes it that much more secure and meaningful. I say that in reference to our relationship only though, others can have their own way about it.

_____________________________

I was trained at MasterLordDarkness' Center for Subs Who Don't Serve Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too.....

but it needed to be at least.... four times bigger.


(in reply to kikkikat)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 12:20:07 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I would highly doubt that the question would deserve the label "idiot" after your name.  It's an honest question.

In truth, I have to answer the question with both yes and no. When I met My husband, I had prior BDSM experience.  He didn't.  That means I had tiptoed through the experience pool before he did.  All of his experience has been since we chose this life after we had been married and were in love with each other first.  It's still our journey together.

There are a lot of people out there who are exploring this with their spouse after meeting and marrying vanilla.  I would tend to think it might be much more convenient to have a built in BDSM willing partner, rather than going the single route.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to abcbsex)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 12:22:36 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		I’m no longer with the person I started my BDSM journey with 37 years ago.  But they moved to Florida and they’re still my very good friend. 

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to jim64)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 5:39:29 AM   
housesub4you


Posts: 1879
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline 		When I was dating my wife, she had no experience in BDSM and I did.  She was open to learning and over time found that her only interest was in the bedroom with me. 

She understood my desires for the lifestyle and wanting to be active in it.  Over time I explained and educated her on the D/s relationship and she knows I serve a Domme. 

Everything is in the open both with my wife and Domme, my wife knows that family will always come first before the lifestyle. 

This lifestyle can be whatever you want it to be, just like any other lifestyle out there.  It is what ever you choose to make it.

(in reply to jim64)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 5:40:02 AM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline 		I didn't realize fully till after I was married that kink was something I could actually pursue. I got lucky in that my vanilla spouse agreed to try and turned out to like it.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 5:57:08 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Together for 13 years.
Married for 11 years
Master/slave for 9 months

Neither of us had any previous experience or contact with the BDSM world.  In my case, I had no idea that it even existed outside of porn movies.  My wife had perhaps a slightly better inkling than I did.  She's got one or two bondage publications from maybe 20 years back stored in her dresser.  But I'm pretty sure looking at them was about as far as she'd gone.  In general though, I am significantly more vanilla than she is. 

~Jeff the horrible

(in reply to jim64)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 6:13:43 AM   
Daddystouch


Posts: 162
Joined: 10/20/2006
From: South East England
Status: offline 		I started my last relationship vanilla and it turned kinky. Neither of us knew we were kinky at the time. It didn't work out, but I don't think that's because we started vanilla. In theory I'd be happy to start a vanilla relationship and 'go kinky' - but I would be reluctant in the real world. I'd find it difficult to explain to someone new that I am kinky and what I want. If I don't explain it sooner, I'll have to explain it later or try and lead the relationship in that direction over time. Both take a long time.

With kinky people, seems to me it's easier. You can be open about your kink, they can be open, and before even going on a date you can get a good idea of how compatible you might be - if she's deserpately into scat and it's a hard limit for me, we're not going to work. If you ask me, starting off with someone who is already kinky speeds things up - if the relationship is destined to work, you'll enjoy it more for longer, and if it's destined to fail that will happen sooner (or it won't get started).

As I say, I'd still be open to 'nilla, but it'd have to be someone really special and who I got a kinky vibe from (not even necessarily kinky I guess, just submissive...).


_____________________________

What men in all the world have shown such daring?

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 7:39:53 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		We aren't your ideal here for the question, although we met online.  Started chatting, knew who one another was.  He know I had a past dominant...he had a past submissive.

Started out our relationship, he took over more control as trust built.  Basically even though we knew we were both into kink our relationship started as vanilla.  Because that is the foundation of any relationship.

About a year after we were dating, we threw ourselves into kink.


(in reply to jim64)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 7:40:41 AM   
greenearth21


Posts: 228
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline 		I was in/aware and had experienced teh lifestyle before my ex did.  I beat around teh bush a little till a point came wehre I was upfront about it and he showed interest...apparently it was somethign he'd fantasized or thought of but never knew anyone who was open with it.  I tried getting him involved, but arrogance got in the way and it turned out to be more work for me with absolutely nothign but arguments in return.  I also had issues and got frustrated being a sub...teaching or trying to 'guide' someone in the lifestyle (and I am not THAT experienced).  In the long run, the play was fun but anything else wasnt worth it and I suppose thast my reason for preferring an exprienced (more experienced that my self for certain) dom, than one who is just getting their feet wet.
At the moment, we both met by mutual interest or preference of the lifestyle

< Message edited by greenearth21 -- 7/22/2008 7:42:26 AM >

(in reply to Daddystouch)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 7:43:43 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		My ex-wife and I started out vanilla.  When I, through dissatisfaction, found the solace of D/s, I tried to bring her along.  She was having none of it...as a matter of fact, as I've noted before, her reply was along the lines of "you as the boss?  I'll be goddamned if I am going to do everything you tell me to do.  And as for hurting me again goes?  I'll call the cops..."   She was used to a partner that bent over backwards to make things fair and equal.  Like a lot of women from our generation, she saw fair and equal as her having her way.  That no longer worked for me and had begun to kill the love...along with another propensity of hers...leading to the dissatisfaction that led to the search for something that might help.  While I felt more alive and at home when I began to learn about D/s, she felt more and more alien when I tried to bring it to her and found my interest in it sick and twisted.

I know it works differently for others...some of the posters on this thread have made it clear and I am sure that there will be others who make it clear that it does.  It did not for me...

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 7/22/2008 7:58:26 AM >

(in reply to jim64)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 8:17:03 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Actually one of our reasons for being poly is that while we used to play together, my husband and I learned while we were dating that our interests and kinks didn't overlap that much. But we were exploring together and learning together and we are supportive of each others needs and desires.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to jim64)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 8:29:46 AM   
Nymphetish


Posts: 25
Joined: 5/7/2008
From: California
Status: offline 		Well, I met my guy on CM, but our relationship started very vanilla. We're both intro BDSM, although I'd say we're more boyfriend/girlfriend than dominant/submissive.

(in reply to jim64)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 9:26:21 AM   
beltainefaerie


Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline 		My husband experimented with kink when we were first together.  Eventually he discovered that it wasn't his thing at all (he was finally able to separtate that the only thing about it that was hot was that it turned me on so much)  We still played occasionally for a while, but I found it unfulfilling to play with someone who was in essense just doing it for me.  I'm not just into kinky sex, but submission.  I enjoy doing things, whether I inherently like the thing itself or not, because it will make my partner happy.  Ultimately, we've gone poly and I get to live all kinds of BDSM delight with very dear friends of ours.  So, in terms of my relationship with my husband, we started kinda kinky and ended up vanilla with each other but expanded out to a different kind of kinky in going poly. 

(in reply to Nymphetish)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 3:19:58 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		I am currently single.

However, I have in the past converted a woman I met in a vanilla setting to being kinky.   When I started, she had never done anything kinkier than a slow strip-tease.  When I finished, held an office in our local BDSM organization.

(in reply to jim64)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 6:20:15 PM   
mbes


Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline 		I can't say that I was ever really "vanilla", and my other half and I did a lot of kinky stuff over the years. Some of it, I didn't know other people were really doing.
We never could get the d/s part figured out to both parties' satisfaction.
Then we did! Life got much better.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 6:36:00 PM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline 		I was in a 26 year marriage when i "discovered" the Lifestyle..... i tried introducing it into our relationship.. he was receptive ....he could do most of the play to a certain point, then the "i don't want to hurt you" came into play....he also had no idea and couldn't grasp the mental aspect of a D/s relationship.  He really did try, but after awhile i released it just wasn't going to work.....we were too entrenched in our roles in the marriage..and i found it increasingly frustrating to only bottom during play and then switch back into the dominant role i'd come to hold druring our years together.   

Neither one of us was happy and life is far too short to be anywhere without happiness.....so i left. 
It was the hardest decision i'd ever made, but also the most right...... 

_____________________________

We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

(in reply to mbes)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 7:35:19 PM   
SayaNereida


Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

have started this venture with my wife. We are on a journey together. Who else has "started" this way?

Ryu and I were friends for 4 years, lovers for 2 of them, partners for a year, 'discovered' d and s a year or so ago and were married this June.  So we chose to travel the path together.

Saya


_____________________________

Anais Nin: Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. ...


(in reply to jim64)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: love first bdsm second - 7/22/2008 7:44:41 PM   
AllietheKitten


Posts: 115
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline 		When I met the boy I told him that I wanted it all- a friendship, vanilla companionship and D/s as well. Luckily, he was looking for the same thing.

_____________________________

I don't believe in Destiny
Or the guiding hand of Fate
I don't believe in forever
of love as a mystical state
But I believe there's a ghost of a chance
We can find someone to love and make it last.
~Rush

(in reply to SayaNereida)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> love first bdsm second Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125