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Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/19/2008 12:07:00 PM   
LifeisgoodSFLA


Posts: 21
Joined: 7/9/2008
Status: offline 		Kyra's post in TreasureKY's thread on intimacy brought another thought in my mind. I didn't want to hijack, so I thought to start a new thread.

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY
In your opinion, what is a "disciplined way"?  Would it bother you to find out that your partner felt that your relationship was not intimate?

I am not speaking for Steven, but I know that in my relationship, I am not allowed to engage in behavior that could be described as emotional diarrhea.  If all I am doing is emotionally running in circles and saying the same thing over and over, he shuts it down until I am able to clearly express how I am feeling and what the issue is. 

Converations are to be constructive and we are to maintain the behavior that he thinks is appropriate.  If our behavior becomes inappropriate or destructive in his opinion, then it stops until the behavior can be changed.  This discipline has deepened our intimacy and not hampered it in any way.

Knight's Kyra

Master and I have a very intimate relationship, but our communication styles are very different. I am a quick, verbal thinker/talker. He is a deep, deliberate ponderer.
 
So, I will state my case (or issue, or whatever -with permission, of course), quickly, clearly and repeat it just as quickly in as many ways as I can to clarify my position. I can bombard someone with information. And, when He doesn't respond or understand fast enough, I will start all over again. And if He does speak, I hear a few words, assume the rest and respond immediately.
 
He takes time to consider each word. He thinks of how the problem began, possible solutions, what outcomes may occur and how to avoid it in the future. He needs time to delve into every aspect of the facts presented. He will not converse until He is sure of which words He will choose to use to perfectly convey His message.
 
You can see how conflicts in resolution style could contribute to conflicts trying to be resolved.
 
So, just a Kyra said, I can run around in emotional diarrhea, He can be trying to follow my reasoning (thinking that I am presenting new information on each go-round - as He would- but I just re-state the same things). And we could both be getting frustrated from just not understanding how the other is thinking.
 
But- Master found a solution for our style conflict. At first, I really had to talk to myself with the "Do you think submitting to someone is easy?" speech. But, now, I understand the wisdom of what He does:
 
He hears me out. He does not respond in any way. When He hears me begin a repetition of the issue, He sends me out of the room. Sometimes into a corner. Then, He ponders and deliberates without my nattering.
 
I have sat and stewed for hours sometimes. But when He calls me back, He has determined a solution and we can discuss it calmly.
 
I have seen many relationships where this difference in conflict style has been devastating (my parents, for instance).
 
How do you approach conflict? Is it different because of the power dynamic? If you are a " /s", do you feel your voice is heard? If you are a "D/ ", do you find you handle it better, or is control still difficult in anger/frustration?

(Oh, this is hejira, btw. didn't realize I was on this profile. Oops )
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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/19/2008 12:23:36 PM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL:  LifeisgoodSFLA
How do you approach conflict? Is it different because of the power dynamic? If you are a " /s", do you feel your voice is heard? If you are a "D/ ", do you find you handle it better, or is control still difficult in anger/frustration?
Much as in your quote, we had the same issues accept reversed (Me, the Master, is the fast thinker.  My girl is the slower, more deliberate one.  We are relatively new to this whole M/s thing, but it's clear that we are already doing better in our conflict resolution than we did as vanilla.  Just as you described, the problems are now more "on the table" and being actively addressed than they were.  That being said, self-control is *always* more difficult in situations of strong emotion such as anger and frustration and I'm no different than anyone else.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/19/2008 12:25:56 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
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Status: offline 		This doesn't have to happen in just D v. s communication. I co-habit with another Domina, and she and I have completely different communication styles. I tend to talk -- using words helps me to get it out--and I'll talk about anything. She stews. She stews visibly, though -- all of her non-verbal communication makes it clear that she's irritated... and asking her "What's wrong?" doesn't help.

Over the years, we've learned to adapt to each others communication styles. She knows that anything she asks me is going to come with a big, long story about -exactly- why "this is so." When she withdraws, I know now to only ask ONE question. "Are you mad at me?" If yes, then I have a number of hours in which to figure out what I've done -now- that's pissed her off.... and if she says "no", I just back off until she's ready to either let go of it, or talk about it at her own pace.

This is one of the biggest challenges for us, in vetting new servants. The issue that ends most of the trials comes down to the different communication techniques between myself and my mate. I "talk the submissive through"... I explain things, and I detail expectations, etc. My mate, on the other hand, expects that an adult will be perfectly able to -see- what needs to be taken care of, and should know, by this time in hir life, how to do so correctly. She only "communicates" when she's annoyed or to praise some "beyond the ordinary" effort.

Many of the potential servants we've vetted have had the same "complaint"... that my mate didn't "like" them. They interpreted her silence as dislike or disapproval, when, truthfully, -not- hearing from my mate is one of the best things a servant can hope for... because 70% of the time when she comments, it is because she's found flaw. No matter how often I explain this quirk, we still haven't found anyone who is able to understand that making my mate happy is -easy-.... tea, a foot-rub, good pastries or supper, and a tidy home are enough for her. -I'm- the one they need to worry about... I want conversation... I want their minds, their thoughts, their feelings, their ideas, their hungers, their need, their anxiety, their fear, their misery, their hope... I want it all -- to hear it, to consume it... and then I want their bodies... their blood, their pain... Despite being the more verbal, I am, by far, the more demanding. Whether spoken words or silent bodies, I am truly insatiable.

Firestorm




_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/19/2008 12:26:32 PM   
ownedgirlie


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Status: offline 		Hi hejira :)

I think because I was never really listened to or heard, both in my upbringing and in my former marriage, I communicated just as ou described - I would repeat in all sorts of different ways, in case I wasn't heard or understood the first time...or the second...or....well, you get the idea.

We don't live together, so there was no room to send me out of.  But if on the phone, cam, online, or even in person, he would simply tell me "Be Quiet".  After some time of realizing he heard me the first time, I started witnessing my own "verbal diarrhea" and learned the more I repeated something, the more annoyed and distracted I would make him. 

Like your Master, mine will deliberate, sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes even for a few days or weeks.  This used to drive me nuts.  OK I confess, sometimes it still does.  If it's a prolonged delay, I might ask him if he is still thinking about it, or has he, per chance, forgotten.  But that's different than my former practice of repeated questions.  So, in my case, it just took training (oh that awful word, heheh).

Good thread, hejira!

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Good is the enemy of great.

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/19/2008 12:51:29 PM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I need not only to be heard, and to know that he has heard me, but I need my emotional reactions to be taken into account. I need the emotional fallout from a decision to be part of his thought processes. But sending me out of the room or corner time as a response to me being emotionally upset would not work for me. No matter what he might later tell me, I would internalize that he doesn't want to know where I am emotionally and that he doesn't want to know because he doesn't care.

I do better at such times if I am held. He's been known to put a hand over my mouth, but the quickest way for me to calm down while he thinks it out is if he wraps his arms around me. On his lap I do feel as though he cares which I won't do if sent away. And that's what I need; to know he truly has heard me and truly cares about what his decision will do to me emotionally.

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/19/2008 3:28:15 PM   
kyraofMists


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Status: offline 		Whooo hooo... I spawned a post  *g*

The three of us are introverts, so we are somewhat similar.  However, the way we process and like to receive information is very different.  If I could I would most often prefer to receive information in writing first so that I can absorb it by myself before it is discussed.  That worked really well when we were long distance, doesn't work so well living together  *g*

He also makes decisions really quick and I am the processor.  He knows the words to use to express what he is thinking and feeling and often I struggle with the words to describe what is going on.

In regards to conflict, we approach it from the perspective that the issue is what is wrong and what will be the best way to fix it.  We are not on opposite sides of an issue where one person is right and another is wrong.  The issue is wrong and will be fixed in a way that is best for the relationship.  Thinking and facing issues this way automatically removes a lot of unproductive behavior from our interactions.  Pointing fingers and blame is not part of the discussions.

Some of the other things that we try not to do:

Use absolutes or make absolute statements
Engage in self pity behavior
Interrupt
Be disrespectful
Make assumptions
Project our feelings/thoughts onto others

It is amazing how much easier conversations became with him, when I stopped doing those things for the most part.  I also found it amazing how much easier it was to manage stressful situations in other parts of my life when I started internalizing these guidelines and stopped thinking in that way. 

I know it was a struggle (meaning I spent many nights crying my eyes out and not believing that he really cared about me) for me until I learned that when he rejected to behavior that I was engaging in did not mean that he was rejecting how I felt.  He is very supportive of how I feel, it is just the behavior that he wanted to change.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/19/2008 4:14:42 PM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Kyra's comment of it's the issue, not the people sparks another thought. If we remain diametrically opposed in a situation, to a point where I cannot accept his decision, nor can he compel me to acquiesce, we take it to an expert. As the only times such issues have arisen are about blending the family, and although I have consented to allow him to make decisions for me, but my ums have not and cannot make that decision, we take it to a child psychologist. This allows both of us to get over our frustration and also gives us added info which neither of us possessed to help solve it.

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/19/2008 5:04:16 PM   
hejira92


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From: Palm Beach County, Fl
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

In regards to conflict, we approach it from the perspective that the issue is what is wrong and what will be the best way to fix it.  We are not on opposite sides of an issue where one person is right and another is wrong.  The issue is wrong and will be fixed in a way that is best for the relationship.  Thinking and facing issues this way automatically removes a lot of unproductive behavior from our interactions.  Pointing fingers and blame is not part of the discussions.


Knight's Kyra


I totally agree with this. I also think the majority of disagreements in relationships break down into only a few catagories:
 
- someone feels taken for granted/ low on the priority list
- handling money styles
- insecurity/jealousy
 
People fight about symtpoms all day long- you were late and didn't call me, how could you buy that, why did you look at her?- but I feel that BEFORE you go to whomever you are with to discuss it, you should know which catagory you wish to discuss. Accusations and blame only dance round the real issues and are counterproductive if you want a healthy relationship.
 
What you said in the other thread about Him handling your behavior during a "discussion" is what prompted this thread. Because, even with both of us knowing, understanding and following the proper procedure for healthy conflict, our styles still added to the miscommunication.
 
Celeste: I know what you are saying about being sent out. I felt that, too. But I understand why He does it- for me to get a hold on myself if I get too close to the edge of acceptable behavior in my zeal, and for Him to have the quiet He needs to process. And when He brings me back, then I get to sit on His lap- quietly, calmly and respectfully.

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/19/2008 6:02:24 PM   
KnightofMists


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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
If I could I would most often prefer to receive information in writing first so that I can absorb it by myself before it is discussed.  That worked really well when we were long distance, doesn't work so well living together  *g*


mmmmmmmm so to fix this issue you have to move a long distance away.

Damn.. I just got use to your snoring.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/19/2008 9:06:07 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LifeisgoodSFLA

... Master and I have a very intimate relationship, but our communication styles are very different. I am a quick, verbal thinker/talker. He is a deep, deliberate ponderer...

I have sat and stewed for hours sometimes. But when He calls me back, He has determined a solution and we can discuss it calmly...
 
How do you approach conflict?


An excellent thread, hejira... I love thought provoking ideas. 

As with you and your Master, Firm and I have very different styles.  I completely loathe conflict of any kind and my impulse is to immediately address and resolve any kind of problem.  Firm is like your Master in that he likes to take time to consider a problem from every angle, contemplate solutions, and bring any related emotions into complete control before addressing them. 

Fortunately for us, in the over two years we've been together, we've only had one or two occasions where this has been an issue... not often enough for us to develop any kind of method to deal with it. 

I don't think I would handle your Master's method very well, though.  In fact, I would say it would probably have the exact opposite affect on me... sending me away to calm down would most likely only exacerbate my emotional upset.  It doesn't take long for me to reach a critical point where I just shut down emotionally.  That might sound like a good thing, but it is not... when it happens, it is an unintentional, self-defense mechanism whereby I emotionally close up and retake control.  Any attempts to reopen the discussion would likely find me cold and uncaring... hardly a good state to foster intimacy.

I just find it easier and safer to avoid conflict, all together. 


< Message edited by TreasureKY -- 7/19/2008 9:07:35 PM >

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/20/2008 4:32:47 AM   
kallisto


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quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

I just find it easier and safer to avoid conflict, all together. 



Me too.  But I don't always do that.  Not that I am after a conflict, because I dislike them with a passion.   But being such a passionate/emotional person, there are times where I speak before thinking.    As I've gotten older, I have gotten better about "thinking before I speak".    

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/20/2008 5:08:37 AM   
SayaNereida


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quote:

How do you approach conflict? Is it different because of the power dynamic? If you are a " /s", do you feel your voice is heard? If you are a "D/ ", do you find you handle it better, or is control still difficult in anger/frustration?


Our communication style is similar, as far as, if it is a situation that our emotions are so high and we cannot 'look' at the problem ourselves; we allow each other the time to 'rant'.  It's only a short time 10-20 minutes depending on how long it takes to tell the other what has us upset, then 'rant' about being upset.  Then when we are done 'ranting', we clearly state the problem and discuss it.

I explained to Ryu in the beginning, I cannot think clearly with emotions running high and I'm likely to say something I really don't mean, if you allow me the time to BLAHHH everything out, then my emotions aren't in the conversation. 

This communication method is something we use for not only our relationship but discussing work, the house the kids, etc.  Nothing said in the first 20 minuntes or so is ever taken seriously, often teased about later, but never used to make the person who said it feel bad.

We both can and will, think and communicate quickly and we have both taken time....some times too much time...thinking things through before communicating.

Saya


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Anais Nin: Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. ...


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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/20/2008 8:56:36 AM   
brat4fun


Posts: 47
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline 		I abhor conflict.  It's never felt safe.  That's partly due to the fact that I was taught to suppress emotions rather than express them, and partly due to hooking up with guys who had explosive tempers.  My ex-husband, two former D-types, and a nilla boyfriend. 

The three who didn't react physically still got visibly upset at the first hint of a problem.  They'd explode at first, then calm down and be ready to talk it out.  By that point, however, I had (emotionally) run and hid and would say or do anything to keep them from being angry again.  All that really meant is that I would leave things the way they were and just choke down whatever patronizing platitude they gave me.  This would last until I just couldn't handle it anymore and would break down into a sobbing mess.  Then, depending on the person and situation, either the issue would be taken into consideration or not.

I'm really trying to change the way I communicate.  I'm trying to find my "voice" as one of my D-types called it.  I'm working on speaking up when something bothers me.  It's very hard for me. I've spent so much time keeping things in that sometimes I literally can't find the words to express what I'm going through.

Case in point: My Sir and I were trying something that was very similar to things that a former D-type (the bad one) used to do to me a lot.  I was a bit nervous, but I didn't speak up.  I trust my Sir and I wanted to see if things would be different because it was him... not the other guy.  My brain was ok with what was going on, but my gut was reacting badly and I just froze.  All the same feeling that I had with the other guy just came flooding back.  I still didn't stop the scene.  I was trying to process what was going on and searching for a way to communicate that.  Sir stopped what he was doing and tried to get me to talk to him.  I didn't know what to say.  I just couldn't figure things out... so, back to the blubbering mess.  It wasn't pretty, it wasn't constructive, and it wasn't at all helpful to my Sir. 

Sir and I talked about it for a little bit, but nothing too in depth.  The next day I wrote him an e-mail where I was better able to express what happened with me.  A week or so later, I wrote another e-mail bringing up some other points.

It's not that I was trying to hide things from my Sir... it's just that I have to ruminate on things for a while.  I find e-mail and IM to be good for me.  It lets me say what I want to without having to worry about an immediate negative reaction.  Negative reactions can come later when I can get set for them.  lol

lil Aidan

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/20/2008 10:23:34 AM   
kyraofMists


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quote:

I abhor conflict. 


This statement has been repeated in various ways a few times in this thread and in some ways I am the same way.  I do not enjoy conflict; it makes me very uncomfortable.  However, I am more willing to engage in a discussion with someone that may present conflicting ideas or opinions with someone that I am close to rather than a stranger or someone I do not know very well.

I feel safer expressing anger, hurt or strong emotional feelings with my Lord than I do with anyone else, even if expressing it results in a difference of opinions than I do with others.  For me, engaging in what appears to be a conflict with him is worth the uncomfortable feelings.  I don't avoid conflicting opinions with him, because the payoff is worth what it costs me to do it.

With others, the pay off, or perceived pay off, does not often balance out what it costs me.  The main exception to that is if it is a topic that I am passionate about and the other exception is when he insists that I express myself to someone.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/20/2008 10:51:54 AM   
KnightofMists


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Status: offline 		I read a few posts here and I am frankly puzzled.....

What is wrong with conflict?  I can't understand this abhorance to conflict.  Maybe people identify conflict as somthing different than I do.  Maybe what people adhore is not the conflict itself... but the manner/behaviors that a conflict may instigate.

I think conflict "can" be good... I think conflict "can" be healthy... I think conflict "can" be a catalyst for growth and change.  "But"... it is the "manner" in which conflict is handled that is the key.. Not the conflict itself!

I suppose some people want I call is a rubber subby... someone that is going to rubber stamp the opinions and judgements of the Dominant.  That they will not stand on an opinion or issue that is conflicting to the opinion of the Dominant.  They will avoid the conflict... evade the issue... be a good rubber subby.  I think some people avoid conflict for alot of different reasons.  I suspect that for alot of submissives.. the idea of having a different or conflicting opinion than their Dominant is a rather intimidating and/or difficult position to be in.

The style of dealing with Conflicts....  is really about the constructive behaviors/manners that are used to address conflicting opinions/thougths on an given issue.  As said before, the approach in my house is not a me against you issue.  It not I am right you are wrong.  In fact, it's ok to have a different opinion.  A different thought.   These different opinions and thoughts do not challenge the authority in a relationship unless you choose to believe that they do.  In my world, they actually strengthen the authority.. and here is why.

I believe that Intimacy is a key block in having a strong and healthy Power dynamic relationship.  The building of intimacy wil lin the end inspire a submissive to be vulnerable to the Dominant.  The ability of the submissive to feel safe to have a different opinion than their Dominant will and does have a tremendous impact on building intimacy.  It is so easy to be open to opinions and thoughts that are similiar and inline with your own.  But to me this is not being open-minded.  To me being open-minded is being open to the opinions and thoughts that challenge your own opinions and thougths.  Being able to listen and consider these thoughts... and just maybe they will cause you to shift in your prespective of the world.   I work hard (sometimes not succeeding) to allow my girls to feel safe to have a different opinion/thought.  That it is ok for them.. that it doesn't make them wrong or less or weak.  In the end.. I will make the decisions.. and sometimes the conflict results in my seeing a issue from a different prespect.  This is how I try to approach conflicts.... Put myself as best I can into their shoes.. look at it from the view point they are in.  It is not about me being right.... it's about making the best decision for the relationship.

Do.. I adhor conflict!!! Never... I adhor destuctive behaviors.. .. But conflict itself.. it's an opportunity!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/20/2008 10:58:38 AM   
ownedgirlie


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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
What is wrong with conflict?  I can't understand this abhorance to conflict.  Maybe people identify conflict as somthing different than I do.  Maybe what people adhore is not the conflict itself... but the manner/behaviors that a conflict may instigate.



I was puzzled by this as well, since I don't see conflict as a bad thing.  I looked the word up to see how I was defining it, and its description includes antagonistic behavior as a result of opposting opinions.  So it seems "conflict" implies hostility in disagreements.  I have personally never seen it that way, and I see conflict as simply just opposing ideas.  I'm have nothing against opposing ideas, even if expressed passionately.  High volume arguments are a different story, however, and maybe that's what people who abhor conflict are thinking about.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/20/2008 10:59:48 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
.. But conflict itself.. it's an opportunity!


I like this sentiment -- it's the same one I make about "change". I hear so many people say they "don't like" or "hate" or "avoid" change... and myself, sadistic, masochistic chaotic that I am... I go looking for it, because change brings opportunity (and adventure).

As far as conflict... I think I'm neutral about conflict. I try to avoid saying things in a way that will cause intentional, unnecessary hurt to someone I care about (sometimes I'm less careful about people whom I've allowed to push my buttons a little too often... everyone has their issues.). At the same time, I don't avoid saying something just because someone I care about isn't going to like what I have to say. If I don't say anything for fear of conflict, nothing changes... and we've already established that I think change is crucial to life.

Firestorm


_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

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RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/20/2008 11:45:24 AM   
TreasureKY


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From: Kentucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

I read a few posts here and I am frankly puzzled.....

What is wrong with conflict?  I can't understand this abhorance to conflict.  Maybe people identify conflict as somthing different than I do.  Maybe what people adhore is not the conflict itself... but the manner/behaviors that a conflict may instigate.


I'm one who hates conflict. It isn't the manner/behaviors... for the most part, if someone is behaving in a poor manner due to conflict, I will absent myself from the entire situation unless I cannot for some reason. It's really the feelings that arise in me due to conflict that I cannot stand.

Generally, conflict puts me on unsure ground. I am confident of my own behavior in all situations with which I am familiar... I'm not always so confident of how others will react and behave. I find myself pussy-footing around people not knowing if the conflict has put them in a bad mood that will be taken out on me.

I also greatly value peace and serenity. To me, they are a hallmark of happiness. I don't like to be unhappy nor do I like to be in an atmosphere of unhappiness. Chaos and strife grate on my nerves.

This is probably one of the foremost reasons that I am a submissive... I wish to alleviate tension and create a harmonious environment, and I take pleasure in doing just that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

I suppose some people want I call is a rubber subby... someone that is going to rubber stamp the opinions and judgements of the Dominant.  That they will not stand on an opinion or issue that is conflicting to the opinion of the Dominant.  They will avoid the conflict... evade the issue... be a good rubber subby.  I think some people avoid conflict for alot of different reasons.  I suspect that for alot of submissives.. the idea of having a different or conflicting opinion than their Dominant is a rather intimidating and/or difficult position to be in.


lol... Not at all, for me. As Firm and I have both stated within these forums, part of my job as Firm's submissive is to be a sort of check and balance for him. Of course, a significant part of conflict avoidance in this regard is not avoiding a difference of opinion, but in finding a peaceful and palatable way to present that difference.

Sometimes it's just not possible to making something unpleasant become pleasant, but I've found that adding more unpleasantness to the situation certainly isn't going to help. As I said with regard to the example given by hejira, the methods taken by her Master would likely not work for me and most probably make things worse. It would be like adding fuel to a fire... trying to address an unpleasant situation by imposing more unpleasantness. To me, prolonging a conflict is unpleasantness.

Presumably, if there is an issue great enough to cause a conflict between Firm and I, then it is a problem we both need to address. We are a team, both working for the benefit of our relationship. He is the team leader, but our relationship does not rest solely on his shoulders. No amount of solitary consideration on his part is going to reach to a mutual resolution... just as no amount of rapid-fire brain-storming on my own will produce a mutual resolution. Only by communicating with each other will we be able to arrive at a mutual resolution. Putting off that communication by sending me to another room is prolonging the conflict.

Of course, the greater part of conflict avoidance for me is my submitting to his authority.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/20/2008 11:55:00 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		What's wrong with conflict for me is that both my father and my ex would explode into rage; screaming yelling, throwing things, breaking things. Eventually the ex escalated into hitting people and that's when he became an ex. So for me conflict brings up old feelings and reactions and responses that I had to do to stay safe. Let's think PTSD type stuff folks.

What I need is physical contact. One, I am reassured that he still loves me if he holds me. And two, I have never known anyone to throw a punch while hugging. The physical contact calms us both down.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Intimacy/Communication styles in Conflict - 7/20/2008 12:30:46 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LifeisgoodSFLA

How do you approach conflict? Is it different because of the power dynamic? If you are a " /s", do you feel your voice is heard? If you are a "D/ ", do you find you handle it better, or is control still difficult in anger/frustration?



Being a sub has taught me how to be a better communicator, or at least a more patient one. Sir always hears me but over the years (even when I was not in service to him) he makes it clear that his response belongs to him, and his reponse might be to not respond. It was difficult to get used to. I would be sure he didn't hear me, I would be certain he didn't understand how I felt, so I would start over again, more animated, working myself into a fine froth. Finally ... FINALLY ... I just gave up. I knew he heard me, I knew I was articulate enough to make him understand what I was feeling or thinking or wanting, but he would respond when (and if) he wanted to. Sometimes his lack of response reduces my verbal (and emotional) urgency, and it helps me calm down. It's comforting in its way. Many many many things were forgotten after I got them out - if he'd responded or reacted at times, it would have only fed my axieties.

So, as the "s", I know my voice is heard but he is in control of his response, and his responses have been pretty on-target, although sometimes it's maddening to spill my guts and get back only silence. ~chuckle~ It carries over to my interactions with others too - I say what I have to say and then let it go. I don't expect anything until I get it, which is, in turn, maddening for those who haven't learned this lesson yet.

(in reply to LifeisgoodSFLA)
Profile   Post #: 20
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