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Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/10/2008 4:19:58 PM   
Gleegal67


Posts: 218
Joined: 6/18/2007
From: Phoenix
Status: offline 		It's come about within the last couple of months that my kids are asking me a lot of questions about BDSM in all different forms and scenarios.  Please understand, the age group I am speaking about are from 18-26 years old.

I am very proud that each of them feel open and comfortable enough to come to me with questions.  It has been an interesting balance of humor and facts of a variety of topics that I believe is a key component of having a safe environment to opening all types of dialogue.  Complete honesty with each of them that's comes without judgement to them or their questions.  We have a great household and one that I have worked incredibly hard for...and the fruits of my labor is sweet.

Last night, I had a discussion with one of my girls (22yrs old) because she asked her boyfriend what his fetishes are...he responded with breath play and biting are his top two.  My girl was shocked and actually fearful of breath play...because she didn't have facts about it...just imagination.  It was a great moment explaining to her and giving the facts and also my experiences with it.  By the end of the discussion and reading many resources on the internet, she was excited!  She will be looking forward to the building of trust to get to that level of "play", but in the meantime, she's tickled that their lines of communication are opening to a larger level. 

I am very proud of each of my kids that they comfortable to come to me.  I always make sure that they have references of books or websites that have even more information for them.

I will be completely honest, I was nervous about speaking about it when I was first asked, my BDSM preferences have always been private and not appropriate to the ages when they were younger.  Telling them about the birds & the bees were way easier!  Now, I feel it's my duty as a good parent/mentor to make sure they have accurate knowledge for the topics they are asking about. 

At what age(s) have you discussed BDSM topics with your kidlings?  Were you nervous?  Anything funny happened that prompted the discussion?  Or was it something scary that prompted the discussion?

Just curious...

Michele

***edited cuz I forgot the rules...sorry***

< Message edited by Gleegal67 -- 7/10/2008 4:48:18 PM >

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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 17+ only - 7/10/2008 4:33:39 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		Hi Glee, your thread and the title are against the rules of TOS. There cannot be mention of those under the legal age of 18 no matter how innocent the words may be. So it is hugely likely that this will be pulled, just to let you know.
If the edit button still shows in the upper right corner you may want to remove the text.

Other than that......... welcome to the forums.



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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 17+ only - 7/10/2008 4:33:40 PM   
opposingtwilight


Posts: 684
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline 		Honestly, I'm not sure I would go into great detail about my sex life with my offspring. No matter what their age.

I might get them a few good books to read on the topic or perhaps point them in the right direction, though.

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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 17+ only - 7/10/2008 4:49:58 PM   
Gleegal67


Posts: 218
Joined: 6/18/2007
From: Phoenix
Status: offline 		My goodness..thank you Camille for pointing out my oops!  :)

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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 17+ only - 7/10/2008 5:17:22 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		You are most welcome! It can be an easy thing to do when sharing bits of our lives but unfortunately it is a no-no.
Thank you for understanding the spirit with which I spoke up!


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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 17+ only - 7/10/2008 5:20:53 PM   
DaddyDomsgirl


Posts: 49
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		not sure how i will explain things to my daugther(who is still very little)......guess once she reaches 18 i will just have to sit n talk with her.....just like i will about sex n boys anyway....just this talk about the lifestyle will just be abit kinkier.....and more fun to explain....not so much about my sex life....but things in general that can be done and that are fun to do

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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/10/2008 6:15:08 PM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
~quick posted~

Would you feel the need to explain a vanilla relationship? I don't recall my parents every discussing their intimate relationship with us, and I can't imagine that anyone's kids would need to know.

I figure, by now we ought to be grown ups and be able to act appropriately for what ever given environment we are in. Appropriate behavior should dictate, regardless of how your are wired sexually.

I feel it would be innappropriate for my parents to disclose the details of how they enjoy each other, and spare anyone else of that nature (sisters/parents/other family members) those unnecessary details of my life.

All things have their place; and some things are out of place in certain places.

PL


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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/10/2008 6:42:35 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah,  ummm discussing kink is different from discussing YOUR kink.  Just like any private thing, you don't tell your kids.  You can give them general info that they can use or not use.  just like vanilla relationships... 

good luck,
sunshine

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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/10/2008 7:06:52 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It's really nice to see a parent take their responsibilities seriously- it's your job to be a guide and help them find their own independent responsible path with as much awareness as possible.  IMO parents give up their privilege of holding onto their scruples once they choose to raise other humans on their own. 

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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/10/2008 7:16:14 PM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		My brother, who is 40 this year, started asking my mother questions about female sexuality and pleasure spots.. she suggested some books and knew of a pretty graphic radio persona that got into all sorts of specifications. 
(Yes, my brother has a new g/f ... he and his now ex wife hadn't had sex in like 7 years and he is pretty sure they were boring when they did engage a long time ago, I think its wonderful that he can think past his own anatomy and really make things work for both of them!)

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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/10/2008 7:30:12 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		My daughter is 25, and she and I have had many good talks about the lifestyle.  I tend to stick more to the psychological side of it.  Sometimes I will tell her about things that were posted on the boards and ask her opinion. 

Her feeling is that she wants me to be happy.  What I do isn't for her, but she's glad that I'm in a relationship that fulfills me.  If she asks specific questions I always answer them but most children really don't want to know about their parents sex life. 

When I went to one of my first munches someone mentioned being in the closet.  It hadn't occurred to me that the phrase could apply to a lifestyle choice.  (I just hadn't thought about it beyond the gay or crossdressing community.)  I decided that night to share with my daughter.  I would much rather have her here it from me than somehow find out by surprise.  I have had subs ask me if I would force them to come out of the closet and my answer is always no, that I feel it is a personal decision. 


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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/10/2008 7:49:16 PM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		If my kids were older and had questions, I'd answer them as honestly as possible without discussing my own experiences. I would rather hold that side of my life private from family.  I just don't think it's any of their business what goes on between myself and my Dominant.

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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/10/2008 7:56:57 PM   
goodgirl85


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		I don't have children, and actually don't plan on having any, however, when I entered this lifestyle I had to depend on strangers to give me advice and answer any questions I may have had. (And I am still learning) I couldn't go to my parents, about any type of "personal, intimate" type of topic... If a miracle happens and I do have children one day, I want them being comfortable enough with me to be able to come to me and ask me questions. I certainly won't go into my relations, but no matter what the qeustion may be... whether kink, vanilla, gay or lesbian in topic I will do the best I can to help them seek the knowledge they desire all in the appropiate bounderies at the appropriate age.  I think its wonderful that OP has that relationshipw ith her daughter where she can feel comfortable enough asking her about breath play.... Trying to find yourself in this lifestyle can scary and lonely and quite possibly lead one to make bad desicions... to have someone you can trust, is a great plus, whether that person be aunt uncle parent of friend

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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/10/2008 7:58:26 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		With Mine, it's been a natural progression.  They have seen collared people in My home for quite a few years.  I didn't start explaining the play part of the kink until adult age.  I've had something of a similar situation of the OP (the getting to explain and provide information part) but not at the same level.  They know all about the toy bags, what's in them, some of the aspects of using them, etc.  Things like the wand and the fire play/cupping items I don't go into too much detail about, because I wouldn't want them getting any bright ideas without complete instruction.

As someone else mentioned, I don't see a need to discuss the sexual service part of My version of BDSM anymore than going into great detail about having sex with My husband.  Questions about sex in general, sure, but My particular sex life, no.


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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/11/2008 3:35:03 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		If I could tell you the age that my children asked why my friend Robert was called 'Sir' by some people, or why my friend Gloria was 'a man before', and so I had to explain what being dominant was and what the difference between a cross dresser and a transexual was - or what age my son was when he stood in front of a gang of his peers, telling them that if they wanted to punch out the so-called 'gay wanker' to make him into a man, that they would have to do it to him first as well, then I would.
But I can't and TOS would waggle it's finger.  But surfice to say that my children have been well informed on all orientations, symbols and even some actions.  Any responsible parent would.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/11/2008 4:39:59 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		Ive had many many discussions with mine from an early time, age appropriate.no personal details, just answers to questions they have had, I too would rather them feel able to ask me.  Since they are grown the topics become deeper, some more fun than others. They respect themselves.....know how to keep themselves from stds and other nasty things and are comfortable with themselves. I hope for them it was a positive thing.
Lucy


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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/11/2008 5:13:55 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		I have raised 4; three who are already on their own, and one is still at home (teenager yet). All are very much aware of how my relationships was with their father; and of what I enjoy and don’t enjoy.

I did not sit them down one day and say “ok, since I plan to live my life this way, I want to explain exactly what ‘this way’ is.” They came to me with questions; I answered them with total honesty.

I have always held to the thought that if they asked ( or were old enough to ask ) the question; they would get the answer. I demand total honesty from them; I can only give the same in return.

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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/11/2008 6:45:10 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		At the ages of 20 and 22 respectively, I told my 2 children what was going on.  The younger one yawned and asked if I had another rootbeer.  The older wanted to know why I was discussing my sex life with my son so I had to backtrack and tell him that for us, at least, M/s was not a kink.  Both conversations were underwhelming from both sides.

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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/11/2008 7:39:14 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		I've always been very open and honest with my saplings, they didn't need to know, and never asked for "details", but they did want information. Because of that I've always tried to keep books on hand that can explain things better then I could. I think it's great that you have that kind of relationship with them.

quote:

Would you feel the need to explain a vanilla relationship? I don't recall my parents every discussing their intimate relationship with us, and I can't imagine that anyone's kids would need to know.  


Yes, I would. And my parents never discussed their relationship with us... most parents of that day and age didn't. But then again, a lot slept in twin beds and flannel nighties. I wanted more info for my saplings and less bad surprises. It's my belief that if more people were more open about their lifestyle choices then more young adults would be better prepared to deal with all that society throws at them. They will, eventually, take over the world.
 
Jewel

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RE: Explaining BDSM to your children - ages 18+ only - 7/11/2008 7:46:27 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		My kids and I had a discussion about who I had discovered myself to be by accident when I showed them a black leather rose, with barbed wire for the stem, after I was given it by a friend. My oldest asked if I knew what it meant. I said yes and we discovered that we were all kinky, though from different sides of the slash. They knew more about it than I did at that time. Now, it's an accepted thing that we don't really talk about. My oldest didn't comment on my collar when she saw it though she understood the significance. It's just a part of who we all are.

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