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Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "... - 6/22/2008 2:57:06 PM   
Mixal


Posts: 1
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		Usually, I'm a lurker, but then once in a while I just have to get on my soapbox and rant a bit...

As a preface, I am excluding those who are engaged in poly relationships where all involved have given fully informed consent.

That being said, am I the only one who is generally sick and tired of people who are married, decide, find, discover, whathave you, their kinky BSDM side and then go outside of their marriage to explore it.  It's been my experience that generally the spouse in this situation is unaware of any of this.

And, as far as I'm concerned...if you are fooling around outside of your marriage, whether physically, online, or what not, you are having an affair.  And, in my opinion, it's just plain not right.  It's unethical and immoral.

When you make a commitment to someone, and then do something like this, isn't there any consideration of the damage and hurt you are causing the unknowing person??  For crying out loud, folks and ladies, if your marriage is so bad you can't work it out, or share it with your spouse, have the guts to get a divorce.

To my mind, this is just another sickness and reason I don't spend much time in the BDSM community.  Far too often, in my opinion, the BDSM is put ahead of everything else.  People enter into relationships based on BDSM and forget that there are entire aspects to our persons and our humanity that really deserve consideration.  For myself, I put much more value on getting to know someone as a person, as a human, and developing a good relationship on that basis.  The other stuff can be worked out, but even if you do have a kinky side, for crying out loud, there is so much more to life than that.  There is so much more to people than that.

I think it's a really bad case of putting the cart before the horse.

End of rant, sorry if I offend anyone, but it's my $0.02 worth.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 3:04:43 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Some people simply can't divorce, because of religious, family, monetary, or benefits/retirement reasons, along with others.  If you don't like the way certain people associate then remove yourself from their sphere.  Being unfaithful isn't a bdsm thing, it's a people thing, it happens regardless of lifestyle and in all walks of life.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Mixal)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 3:11:31 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I think all unhealthy forms of abuse and dysfunction cause pain and damage to others.  Infidelity is just one of them, although it is the one that seems to get the most attention.  Mixal, do a search on "cheating" and you will see hundreds of pages from people who agree with you, and who are closed off to any possibility that there may be reasons leading up to what is, ultimately, a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Good luck in your search.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to Mixal)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 3:21:31 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		The thing is, OP, that there are no more cheaters in BDSM as there are in any other lifestyle, community, religion, gender, etc. etc. etc.  Because you are searching within this community you may see it more, perhaps.  But people are people and if they are going to cheat this lifestyle has nothing to do with it.  I suggest you not let your perception sway you away, as you'll never find what you need if you continue with...

"To my mind, this is just another sickness and reason I don't spend much time in the BDSM community.  Far too often, in my opinion, the BDSM is put ahead of everything else.  People enter into relationships based on BDSM and forget that there are entire aspects to our persons and our humanity that really deserve consideration. "

Just my $0.02 worth.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 3:29:30 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Sometimes when the sex cells get going, the brain cells do too.  That is life and although most of us tend to think that the brain cells ought to rule, in some, they don't.  You can't control what other's do, just what you do.  It is a matter of choice and those that choose differently will have to deal with whatever they create.  As for you... I know how you feel, but just go out and enjoy your choices! 

(in reply to earthycouple)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 3:30:33 PM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline 		hey sybella now im on the 4th reply as im typing this 

rant: ok..so what about the couples who try to spice up their life with adding a 3rd for sex??? when obviously if they need a 3rd to spice things up their current sex life is boring or gone... thinking that the 3rd will save their marriage?

lots of them around you know...  not that there is anything wrong in doing it...


_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.
I am flawed.
Imperfect.
MUST SPANK!!!
SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to earthycouple)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 3:30:51 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mixal
That being said, am I the only one who is generally sick and tired of people who are married, decide, find, discover, what have you, their kinky BSDM side and then go outside of their marriage to explore it.


No, you are probably not the only one who is sick and tired of seeing examples of infidelity. Personally, I couldn't care less if someone maintains fidelity in their relationship. As long as I am not a part of that relationship I figure it's none of my business.

(in reply to Mixal)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 3:44:44 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		I've been in a bdsm relationship with a married woman several times in the past. But I refused to ever get involved unless I knew the husband was aware, and consenting, to the extra marital relationship. Granted, it's not the perfect situation, but as most of my relationships don't require me to have an equality relationship, it's generally worked out. Some times, that extracurricular nature has backfired, and the relationship has ended as a result, but that's how the interactions amongst people works sometimes.

But would I meet up with someone who was playing around behind her husband's back? No. I've even had a woman tell me that it really shouldn't be my choice, as I'm a lifestyle submissive. But it was my choice, and I just didn't feel comfortable with it. So I wouldn't do it.


_____________________________

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http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to Mixal)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 3:48:24 PM   
Daddystouch


Posts: 162
Joined: 10/20/2006
From: South East England
Status: offline 		I personally do not approve of infidelity (except where consent is given, in which case it's not technically infidelity) . In most cases, I'd think less of someone for being unfaithful to a partner without their consent. Just as I would think less of someone for lying or being rude or malicious. However, I would never stick my nose into their business. I can keep my personal feelings to myself, though I have to say I'd prefer if people kept details of their adultery to themselves as I am sure it makes people uncomfortable. Again, I'd not complain at people, I'd just appreciate it.

I don't think I would ever want to be romantically or play-wise involved with someone who was cheating without consent.


< Message edited by Daddystouch -- 6/22/2008 3:49:47 PM >

(in reply to Evility)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 7:36:45 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		OP, I'm going to thank you for being very specific about realizing the difference between infidelity and poly.  Sometimes, these two groups get confused, and I'm glad to see that wasn't the case here.

Speaking as a married Domme who has a married sub, I can tell you that I'm one of the lucky ones.  Both spouses are aware of our BDSM dynamic.  My husband has spent quite a bit of time with My sub and I as a family.  My sub's spouse has met with Me, talks with Me (though rarely) by phone, and is updated on various things we are doing.  The BDSM dynamic is a secondary, since we both have vanilla primary partners.

It's because I have such good fortune that I am generally one of the loudest to disagree when someone says it can't be done.  Yes, it can.  Admittedly, it takes a certain type of persons involved to make it work, but it's not impossible.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Daddystouch)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 9:02:17 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Son, if you telling me that because I am still legally married I shouldnt be here ... come walk a mile in my shoes. 



_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 9:05:15 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		What Quivver said.

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 9:39:21 PM   
oblige


Posts: 38
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		In my expereince cheaters are NOT exclusive to or higher in population in BDSM to the rest of the "seeking " population.  I have found this  every where I go-- definitley on all online and in- person dating sites, social networking sites, even your local bar, or church singles group.

Lots of people are seeking something/someone--not  all are single. Many lie, some are up front about it to you, even if they are not to thier decieved partner. It is nothing unique to bdsm, fyi.

It is certainly no reason for you to avoid any local face time bdsm community groups, as I have found that at munches and events, the cheaters  are found out and people tell me about them WAY quicker than any online only contact.

(in reply to Mixal)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 11:47:20 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Strangely,I have never felt compelled to fuck someone who was married. Especially when I can background check for a certificate.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Mixal)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/22/2008 11:59:19 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		I will not get involved with a married man unless their spouse knows of our relationship and conscents there was a time in my life where being someone's dirtly little secret would not have bothered me but now I want / deserve more than that.
 
Blessed be,
Nika

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 12:33:46 AM   
pinkieplum


Posts: 84
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mixal

Usually, I'm a lurker, but then once in a while I just have to get on my soapbox and rant a bit...

As a preface, I am excluding those who are engaged in poly relationships where all involved have given fully informed consent.

That being said, am I the only one who is generally sick and tired of people who are married, decide, find, discover, whathave you, their kinky BSDM side and then go outside of their marriage to explore it.  It's been my experience that generally the spouse in this situation is unaware of any of this.

And, as far as I'm concerned...if you are fooling around outside of your marriage, whether physically, online, or what not, you are having an affair.  And, in my opinion, it's just plain not right.  It's unethical and immoral.

When you make a commitment to someone, and then do something like this, isn't there any consideration of the damage and hurt you are causing the unknowing person??  For crying out loud, folks and ladies, if your marriage is so bad you can't work it out, or share it with your spouse, have the guts to get a divorce.

To my mind, this is just another sickness and reason I don't spend much time in the BDSM community.  Far too often, in my opinion, the BDSM is put ahead of everything else.  People enter into relationships based on BDSM and forget that there are entire aspects to our persons and our humanity that really deserve consideration.  For myself, I put much more value on getting to know someone as a person, as a human, and developing a good relationship on that basis.  The other stuff can be worked out, but even if you do have a kinky side, for crying out loud, there is so much more to life than that.  There is so much more to people than that.

I think it's a really bad case of putting the cart before the horse.

End of rant, sorry if I offend anyone, but it's my $0.02 worth.


Hi Mixal. i agree with what You wrote, just have a few thoughts:
 
S/some married P/pl have negotiated 'permission' from T/their spouses to seek a D/s 'relationship' with a third P/person.  There are so many variations and issues involved in this, that to expand on it would hijack Yr Op.
 
The liar is never a welcomed guest, IMO.  The married M/man or W/woman who seeks a D/s relationship with an s-type or a D-type, but conceals the fact that T/they are married can cause distress to the P/person receiving this attention.  It could be just a matter of wasting S/somone's time, to much more serious distress.
 
IME, some M/men (and probably W/women as well) are 'confused' about whether or not T/they are married.  Either Y/you are -- or Y/you are not.  There's no such thing as 'a little bit married'. 
 
You can tell whether You are unmarried by consulting Your final decree of divorce.  Don't have one?  Then Yr married.  It's that simple. 
 
'I am separated'; 'I have filed for divorce'; "I have left my wife'; etc. is not unmarried.
 
pinkieplum
 
 

(in reply to Mixal)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 1:02:25 AM   
Wolfie648


Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Some people simply can't divorce, because of religious, family, monetary, or benefits/retirement reasons, along with others.  If you don't like the way certain people associate then remove yourself from their sphere.  Being unfaithful isn't a bdsm thing, it's a people thing, it happens regardless of lifestyle and in all walks of life.


LOL

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 1:04:57 AM   
Wolfie648


Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver

Son, if you telling me that because I am still legally married I shouldnt be here ... come walk a mile in my shoes. 




Fail.

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 1:06:10 AM   
Wolfie648


Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

What Quivver said.


Fail.

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to WyldHrt)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 1:09:04 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfie648

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

What Quivver said.


Fail.


What do you mean fail?

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


(in reply to Wolfie648)
Profile   Post #: 20
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