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RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 1:12:04 AM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		Once upon a time I had a sub who was married. I got the leftovers, when he could come over, why he couldn't stay over, cancelling appointments because one of the um's was off school, etc etc.There was absolutely no sexual contact between myself and this sub. I did realise quite quickly that I was indeed someones dirty little secret and I didnt like it one bit. I have never, ever been with anyone who was "taken" ,for want of a better word, ever again.

But, as stated by the other posters, infidelity isn't a BDSM thing. I have had hundreds of straight, vanilla, married men try to get in my pants, as I'm sure every other woman has. And yes, before anyone has a hissy fit, married women play around too.

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if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

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(in reply to Wolfie648)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 1:28:46 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		You've been lurking since 2005 and used your very first Collarme post to inform us that infidelity is unethical and immoral?

Wow...talk about new and original opinions.

(in reply to Mixal)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 3:00:54 AM   
MissEnchanted


Posts: 510
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Some people simply can't divorce, because of religious, family, monetary, or benefits/retirement reasons, along with others.  If you don't like the way certain people associate then remove yourself from their sphere.  Being unfaithful isn't a bdsm thing, it's a people thing, it happens regardless of lifestyle and in all walks of life.

Yep

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 5:23:42 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfie648

quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver

Son, if you telling me that because I am still legally married I shouldnt be here ... come walk a mile in my shoes. 




Fail.


Fail???  Passing Judgement with no facts is all I can assume. 



_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Wolfie648)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 5:37:27 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
Mixal, do a search on "cheating" and you will see hundreds of pages from people who agree with you, and who are closed off to any possibility that there may be reasons leading up to what is, ultimately, a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Thank you for saying it before I could.  You said it much more calmly and much more succintly.  As was proven just recently yet again, throw that "cheat" word out there and they line up at the moral podium to declare how awful it is and how they'd never, never, never do it or condone it.  He'll find tons of backup by doing a search...........luci

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To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 5:41:04 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		Quivver is that what that was? -laughs-  I was left going "huh" when I read it this morning but again I read it 1 am. -laughs-  So I was suprised something was making go "huh."



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Blessed be,
Nika


(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 5:50:09 AM   
Racquelle


Posts: 600
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Strangely,I have never felt compelled to fuck someone who was married. Especially when I can background check for a certificate.
  I would be interested to hear about any time you actually did run a background check on someone.  Incidentally, California allows "confidential marriage", which does not become a matter of public record.

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 6:23:50 AM   
geishagurl


Posts: 54
Joined: 11/22/2007
Status: offline 		I totally agree with you, Mixal!

(in reply to Mixal)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 9:33:18 AM   
AmbrosialWench


Posts: 50
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline 		Cheating is a problem in all societies. However, from my experience I have felt that a couple of dominant men in the local community were married. And have confirmation finally on one and another admitted to having a girlfriend of a year who did not know of the bdsm lifestyle. In both cases, the community seems to feel that a dominants life's should not to be discussed. What is shared between the Dom and the submissive should be left private. In the case of the married Dom, his submissive "accidentaly" mentioned his marriage status. The other Dom/Dommes quickly quited her. I personally felt they pretty much thought he was married but didn't want confirmation, which irriated me since I had asked about information on this Dom before I was aware he had this submissive. They all said only glowing things. When it came to the Dom with the vanilla girlfriend, they only would say they thought he was an "ass" because of his personality. After I broke it off with him, they added they too had questions, as he typically doesn't have time for his subs. I have found less men who appear to be cheating while dating in the non-bdsm community. I realize this is only one persons examply and therefore cannot generalize as there is not enough data.  I only felt inclinded to write this indicate local communities are not always open to the truth or do not wish to share. 

< Message edited by AmbrosialWench -- 6/23/2008 9:36:29 AM >

(in reply to geishagurl)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 9:45:17 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		It means he dosent agree. His way of thinking is the only way. That lifestyle people are opened minded is a fallacy. They bring their vanilla baggage with them. They are the real posers and players in here.

(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 9:59:29 AM   
JillSpade


Posts: 19
Joined: 5/29/2008
Status: offline 		Running around behind your spouse's back is unethical? Who knew!

(in reply to Mixal)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 10:49:50 AM   
JoePNY707


Posts: 293
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Some people simply can't divorce, because of religious, family, monetary, or benefits/retirement reasons, along with others. If you don't like the way certain people associate then remove yourself from their sphere. Being unfaithful isn't a bdsm thing, it's a people thing, it happens regardless of lifestyle and in all walks of life.


Katy summed it up perfectly. If that is your opinion, it is certainly yours to express--but just remember--an opinion is NOT a fact.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 7:43:57 PM   
welcomerain


Posts: 63
Joined: 5/28/2008
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		What is more galling to me than the existence of cheating in the scene is the fact that some people actually defend it.

Safe BDSM play is premised on knowledge and awareness. It is unthinkable to me that a clandestine relationship is ever going to work out well in the end. Polyamory, sure. If that is your thing then go for it. I can think of situations where polyamory is even essential to make everything work. Good on you if you can handle it.

Cheating is totally different. There is nothing inherently wrong with having a spouse in two different cities. There is something wrong with one or both of them not knowing about the other. This is not endemic to the BDSM scene, but some of the arguments used to support it ("it is okay for a dominant to be poly" and "It is okay to have one vanilla and one fetish relationship as long as they don't overlap") are particular to the scene. Much like blood play and smothering, there is a right way and a wrong way to do it, and I hate seeing people pretend to forget about the idea of smart playing because they don't want to be "judgemental".

If we are talking about a specific situation, then sure, I can see reserving judgement unless you happen to know all the details. If we're talking about a hypothetical situation, then I have to say that being honest and above-board is always better than the alternative. No amount of "open-mindedness" is going to change that.


(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 8:00:20 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

It means he dosent agree. His way of thinking is the only way. That lifestyle people are opened minded is a fallacy. They bring their vanilla baggage with them. They are the real posers and players in here.


Raymond, I love you to pieces, and I *am* open-minded.
I am *not* open-minded enough to think it's ok to run around behind others' backs.
Seems a bit undomly like to me.
It seems to me that if a person is control of his/her life to the extent that they believe they can have control over others, that they would never need to sneak around.

And Rain, great post! Welcome to the forums.

(I still loves ya Ray...we just must agree to disagree on this subject...whether poser I be or not...)

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 8:33:04 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Racquelle

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Strangely,I have never felt compelled to fuck someone who was married. Especially when I can background check for a certificate.
  I would be interested to hear about any time you actually did run a background check on someone.  Incidentally, California allows "confidential marriage", which does not become a matter of public record.



It's called "going to her house."

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Racquelle)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 8:51:50 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

quote:

ORIGINAL: Racquelle

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Strangely,I have never felt compelled to fuck someone who was married. Especially when I can background check for a certificate.
  I would be interested to hear about any time you actually did run a background check on someone.  Incidentally, California allows "confidential marriage", which does not become a matter of public record.



It's called "going to her house."


*widens eyes*  You Sir, are brilliant!

(although there was that one lady on the 'Snapped' program, that actually talked her husband into leaving the house, and clearing out all evidence that he existed everytime her 'brother' came to visit her...he would have been too jealous.)

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 8:52:25 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

If we are talking about a specific situation, then sure, I can see reserving judgement unless you happen to know all the details

I appreciated this bit, WR. Speaking in generalities is just that, general. When you start adding details, things change.

(in reply to welcomerain)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/23/2008 10:04:15 PM   
Floggings4You


Posts: 240
Joined: 12/18/2006
Status: offline 		Ultimately, the only person One is truly able to control, even some of the time, is One's self.  You're never going to stop some P/people from cheating, and/or O/others from doing all manner of 'bad' and/or 'evil' things.
 
Learn to live with that--or don't; nothing changes...






(in reply to WyldHrt)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM &... - 6/24/2008 12:37:25 AM   
Wolfie648


Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfie648

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

What Quivver said.


Fail.


What do you mean fail?


I'm not certain.

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 39
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