Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world"

Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (Full Version)

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Mixal -> Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 2:57:06 PM)
Usually, I'm a lurker, but then once in a while I just have to get on my soapbox and rant a bit... As a preface, I am excluding those who are engaged in poly relationships where all involved have given fully informed consent. That being said, am I the only one who is generally sick and tired of people who are married, decide, find, discover, whathave you, their kinky BSDM side and then go outside of their marriage to explore it. It's been my experience that generally the spouse in this situation is unaware of any of this. And, as far as I'm concerned...if you are fooling around outside of your marriage, whether physically, online, or what not, you are having an affair. And, in my opinion, it's just plain not right. It's unethical and immoral. When you make a commitment to someone, and then do something like this, isn't there any consideration of the damage and hurt you are causing the unknowing person?? For crying out loud, folks and ladies, if your marriage is so bad you can't work it out, or share it with your spouse, have the guts to get a divorce. To my mind, this is just another sickness and reason I don't spend much time in the BDSM community. Far too often, in my opinion, the BDSM is put ahead of everything else. People enter into relationships based on BDSM and forget that there are entire aspects to our persons and our humanity that really deserve consideration. For myself, I put much more value on getting to know someone as a person, as a human, and developing a good relationship on that basis. The other stuff can be worked out, but even if you do have a kinky side, for crying out loud, there is so much more to life than that. There is so much more to people than that. I think it's a really bad case of putting the cart before the horse. End of rant, sorry if I offend anyone, but it's my $0.02 worth.

KatyLied -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 3:04:43 PM)
Some people simply can't divorce, because of religious, family, monetary, or benefits/retirement reasons, along with others. If you don't like the way certain people associate then remove yourself from their sphere. Being unfaithful isn't a bdsm thing, it's a people thing, it happens regardless of lifestyle and in all walks of life.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 3:11:31 PM)
I think all unhealthy forms of abuse and dysfunction cause pain and damage to others. Infidelity is just one of them, although it is the one that seems to get the most attention. Mixal, do a search on "cheating" and you will see hundreds of pages from people who agree with you, and who are closed off to any possibility that there may be reasons leading up to what is, ultimately, a symptom of a much bigger problem. Good luck in your search.

earthycouple -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 3:21:31 PM)
The thing is, OP, that there are no more cheaters in BDSM as there are in any other lifestyle, community, religion, gender, etc. etc. etc. Because you are searching within this community you may see it more, perhaps. But people are people and if they are going to cheat this lifestyle has nothing to do with it. I suggest you not let your perception sway you away, as you'll never find what you need if you continue with... "To my mind, this is just another sickness and reason I don't spend much time in the BDSM community. Far too often, in my opinion, the BDSM is put ahead of everything else. People enter into relationships based on BDSM and forget that there are entire aspects to our persons and our humanity that really deserve consideration. " Just my $0.02 worth.

Lockit -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 3:29:30 PM)
Sometimes when the sex cells get going, the brain cells do too. That is life and although most of us tend to think that the brain cells ought to rule, in some, they don't. You can't control what other's do, just what you do. It is a matter of choice and those that choose differently will have to deal with whatever they create. As for you... I know how you feel, but just go out and enjoy your choices!

faerytattoodgirl -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 3:30:33 PM)
hey sybella now im on the 4th reply as im typing this [8\|] rant: ok..so what about the couples who try to spice up their life with adding a 3rd for sex??? when obviously if they need a 3rd to spice things up their current sex life is boring or gone... thinking that the 3rd will save their marriage? lots of them around you know... not that there is anything wrong in doing it...

Evility -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 3:30:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mixal That being said, am I the only one who is generally sick and tired of people who are married, decide, find, discover, what have you, their kinky BSDM side and then go outside of their marriage to explore it. No, you are probably not the only one who is sick and tired of seeing examples of infidelity. Personally, I couldn't care less if someone maintains fidelity in their relationship. As long as I am not a part of that relationship I figure it's none of my business.

littlesarbonn -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 3:44:44 PM)
I've been in a bdsm relationship with a married woman several times in the past. But I refused to ever get involved unless I knew the husband was aware, and consenting, to the extra marital relationship. Granted, it's not the perfect situation, but as most of my relationships don't require me to have an equality relationship, it's generally worked out. Some times, that extracurricular nature has backfired, and the relationship has ended as a result, but that's how the interactions amongst people works sometimes. But would I meet up with someone who was playing around behind her husband's back? No. I've even had a woman tell me that it really shouldn't be my choice, as I'm a lifestyle submissive. But it was my choice, and I just didn't feel comfortable with it. So I wouldn't do it.

Daddystouch -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 3:48:24 PM)
I personally do not approve of infidelity (except where consent is given, in which case it's not technically infidelity) . In most cases, I'd think less of someone for being unfaithful to a partner without their consent. Just as I would think less of someone for lying or being rude or malicious. However, I would never stick my nose into their business. I can keep my personal feelings to myself, though I have to say I'd prefer if people kept details of their adultery to themselves as I am sure it makes people uncomfortable. Again, I'd not complain at people, I'd just appreciate it. I don't think I would ever want to be romantically or play-wise involved with someone who was cheating without consent.

LadyPact -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 7:36:45 PM)
OP, I'm going to thank you for being very specific about realizing the difference between infidelity and poly. Sometimes, these two groups get confused, and I'm glad to see that wasn't the case here. Speaking as a married Domme who has a married sub, I can tell you that I'm one of the lucky ones. Both spouses are aware of our BDSM dynamic. My husband has spent quite a bit of time with My sub and I as a family. My sub's spouse has met with Me, talks with Me (though rarely) by phone, and is updated on various things we are doing. The BDSM dynamic is a secondary, since we both have vanilla primary partners. It's because I have such good fortune that I am generally one of the loudest to disagree when someone says it can't be done. Yes, it can. Admittedly, it takes a certain type of persons involved to make it work, but it's not impossible.

Quivver -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 9:02:17 PM)
Son, if you telling me that because I am still legally married I shouldnt be here ... come walk a mile in my shoes.

WyldHrt -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 9:05:15 PM)
What Quivver said.

oblige -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 9:39:21 PM)
In my expereince cheaters are NOT exclusive to or higher in population in BDSM to the rest of the "seeking " population. I have found this every where I go-- definitley on all online and in- person dating sites, social networking sites, even your local bar, or church singles group. Lots of people are seeking something/someone--not all are single. Many lie, some are up front about it to you, even if they are not to thier decieved partner. It is nothing unique to bdsm, fyi. It is certainly no reason for you to avoid any local face time bdsm community groups, as I have found that at munches and events, the cheaters are found out and people tell me about them WAY quicker than any online only contact.

Leatherist -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 11:47:20 PM)
Strangely,I have never felt compelled to fuck someone who was married. Especially when I can background check for a certificate.

SweetNika -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/22/2008 11:59:19 PM)
I will not get involved with a married man unless their spouse knows of our relationship and conscents there was a time in my life where being someone's dirtly little secret would not have bothered me but now I want / deserve more than that. Blessed be, Nika

pinkieplum -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/23/2008 12:33:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mixal Usually, I'm a lurker, but then once in a while I just have to get on my soapbox and rant a bit... As a preface, I am excluding those who are engaged in poly relationships where all involved have given fully informed consent. That being said, am I the only one who is generally sick and tired of people who are married, decide, find, discover, whathave you, their kinky BSDM side and then go outside of their marriage to explore it. It's been my experience that generally the spouse in this situation is unaware of any of this. And, as far as I'm concerned...if you are fooling around outside of your marriage, whether physically, online, or what not, you are having an affair. And, in my opinion, it's just plain not right. It's unethical and immoral. When you make a commitment to someone, and then do something like this, isn't there any consideration of the damage and hurt you are causing the unknowing person?? For crying out loud, folks and ladies, if your marriage is so bad you can't work it out, or share it with your spouse, have the guts to get a divorce. To my mind, this is just another sickness and reason I don't spend much time in the BDSM community. Far too often, in my opinion, the BDSM is put ahead of everything else. People enter into relationships based on BDSM and forget that there are entire aspects to our persons and our humanity that really deserve consideration. For myself, I put much more value on getting to know someone as a person, as a human, and developing a good relationship on that basis. The other stuff can be worked out, but even if you do have a kinky side, for crying out loud, there is so much more to life than that. There is so much more to people than that. I think it's a really bad case of putting the cart before the horse. End of rant, sorry if I offend anyone, but it's my $0.02 worth. Hi Mixal. i agree with what You wrote, just have a few thoughts: S/some married P/pl have negotiated 'permission' from T/their spouses to seek a D/s 'relationship' with a third P/person. There are so many variations and issues involved in this, that to expand on it would hijack Yr Op. The liar is never a welcomed guest, IMO. The married M/man or W/woman who seeks a D/s relationship with an s-type or a D-type, but conceals the fact that T/they are married can cause distress to the P/person receiving this attention. It could be just a matter of wasting S/somone's time, to much more serious distress. IME, some M/men (and probably W/women as well) are 'confused' about whether or not T/they are married. Either Y/you are -- or Y/you are not. There's no such thing as 'a little bit married'. You can tell whether You are unmarried by consulting Your final decree of divorce. Don't have one? Then Yr married. It's that simple. 'I am separated'; 'I have filed for divorce'; "I have left my wife'; etc. is not unmarried. pinkieplum

Wolfie648 -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/23/2008 1:02:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied Some people simply can't divorce, because of religious, family, monetary, or benefits/retirement reasons, along with others. If you don't like the way certain people associate then remove yourself from their sphere. Being unfaithful isn't a bdsm thing, it's a people thing, it happens regardless of lifestyle and in all walks of life. LOL

Wolfie648 -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/23/2008 1:04:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Quivver Son, if you telling me that because I am still legally married I shouldnt be here ... come walk a mile in my shoes. Fail.

Wolfie648 -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/23/2008 1:06:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WyldHrt What Quivver said. Fail.

SweetNika -> RE: Ranting...fidelity and other nonsense in the BDSM "world" (6/23/2008 1:09:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Wolfie648 quote: ORIGINAL: WyldHrt What Quivver said. Fail. What do you mean fail?

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