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Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 10:10:02 AM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		RedMagic1 (a poster I respect, and hope doesn't mind the hijacking of his thought!) made a comment in another thread that made me want to ask a question, but didn't want to derail, so ...  He said:

[Well, hell.  Why didn't anyone tell me this before?  I would've just stayed vanilla.  That would have saved me a lot of grief -- no self-doubt thinking I was a teenage slime because I liked the idea of hitting girls.]

While I realize that some of this was tongue-in-cheek, it made me wonder how many of those among us had serious issues growing up in understanding themselves.  Especially those that knew at an early age that they either liked to hit, or liked to be hit ... both of which is so frowned upon.  I suppose it's something like growing up knowing you're gay - your orientation is different from those you are surrounded by.

I ask both for my own curiousity as well as for the fact that I'm raising 3 UM's and I do wonder what is going through their minds as they mature into adults. 

My answer to this question is that I didn't know at such a young age that I enjoyed being hit.  That's a relatively new self-discovery.  But I did know that I really liked the thought of being restrained and taken.  The thoughts of  my wanting to be taken often ranged into the rough sex realm but I didn't allow it to go further than that because it was disturbing to me.  Denial ... sigh. 

Thanks for sharing!

Edited for clarity ... hope I succeeded. 
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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 10:22:12 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I don't know anyone who didn't have serious struggles growing up trying to come to terms with who they were and their feelings of being 'different.'  Most people choose to try and burrow down and become as "normal" as they can to as many people as they can.  As the quote goes "Is anyone actually IN the mainstream?"

I never had problems understanding myself, with the exception of some rape fantasies.  But I had lots of problems with mixed messages of being told to be true to myself and then socially punished every time I actually was.  I learned very quickly and very harshly it is NOT ok to be yourself to most people in the world.  But luckily I never internalized it and thought there was something weird/wrong/broken about ME, I just simply felt it was never anything I was going to be able to experience- the world wasn't ready for it yet.

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 10:35:26 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I don't know anyone who didn't have serious struggles growing up trying to come to terms with who they were and their feelings of being 'different.'  Most people choose to try and burrow down and become as "normal" as they can to as many people as they can.  As the quote goes "Is anyone actually IN the mainstream?"



it wasn't until I figured out what made me tick and what I needed to be fulfilled that I started recalling some of my childhood antics and imaginings.

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 10:36:41 AM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline 		I was sure I was a monster. If you saw that fantasy world I had goin' on as a 9 year old, you'd've probably thought so, too. (No need for consent in fantasy worlds...) Honestly, till I actually started acting on my fantasies, I didn't know I WASN'T a monster; it was only then that I understood that my fantasies were exaggerated because they WERE fantasies...just like when you're really hungry, you might fantasize about a meal that you could never possibly actually eat.
For my UMs, I plan to sort of casually mention that some people like this sort of thing and that it's okay...it should at least open the door for them to talk about it instead of living with these fears about themselves right into adulthood the way I did.
I'm different in a whole lot of ways, this was just one of the more alarming ones.

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 10:36:51 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline 		i dont wanna grow up...

im a bdsm r us kid...


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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 10:38:34 AM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		This was exactly what happened to Me when I was in My late teens and in college, whn I was in the compay of 2 specific girls I noticed wanting to control them and hurt them.

It freaked Me out completely and I was worried I was turning into some kind of Ted Budy character, it took years before I could explore what I was into properly and I'm the first to admit I still know very liitle and have a lot to learn. I've said it before, but this lifestyle found Me, I didn't find this lifestyle.

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 11:16:29 AM   
TwoNYCDommes


Posts: 237
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220
it made me wonder how many of those among us had serious issues growing up in understanding themselves.  Especially those that knew at an early age that they either liked to hit, or liked to be hit ... both of which is so frowned upon. 


It never occured to me that there was anything wrong or abnormal about the things that interested me.  For one thing, even as a child I never had any difficulty finding others to share, or even act out elements of, my twisted fantasies.

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 11:56:06 AM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I don't know anyone who didn't have serious struggles growing up trying to come to terms with who they were and their feelings of being 'different.'  Most people choose to try and burrow down and become as "normal" as they can to as many people as they can.  As the quote goes "Is anyone actually IN the mainstream?"


Interesting way to look at it, LA.  I think I am going through now what a lot of others went through in their teens.  I buried and became 'normal' rather than going with my instincts.  Now, that I've recognized and come to terms with my instincts, I find myself looking around at my friends, possibly in the way a teenager does, and wondering that I am so very different from them.  I've talked a wee bit about my BDSM interests with 2 very close friends, who really don't get it, so I dropped it rather than taking it further.

A lot of my friends, who are between 40 and 50 in general, seem to have no use for sex.  They rarely flirt, don't seem overly sexual *ever* and seem content.  They seem to have lost their sexuality somewhere along the path of being a wife and mother.  I wonder sometimes - how many are truly content ...

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 11:57:17 AM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG
it wasn't until I figured out what made me tick and what I needed to be fulfilled that I started recalling some of my childhood antics and imaginings.


Yes, I know exactly what you mean!

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 12:00:00 PM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny
For my UMs, I plan to sort of casually mention that some people like this sort of thing and that it's okay...it should at least open the door for them to talk about it instead of living with these fears about themselves right into adulthood the way I did.
I'm different in a whole lot of ways, this was just one of the more alarming ones.


I'm so glad you know you're not a monster anymore!  How do you plan on bringing this up with the kids?  It's such a tricky issue.  I know what you mean about not wanting them to have fears about themselves, but so much of what it is that we do is contrary to the very lessons I teach them as their mom. 

It's almost funny in a way ... 'Boys don't hit girls ... unless, er, that is, unless the girl really wants him to, and it's consensual'  or to a girl 'Stand on your own two feet, be brave, confident and decisive ... that is, um, unless you meet this guy who would rather you kneel at his feet, and serve him, and you really, really, really wanna do that ...'

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 12:02:35 PM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HalloweenWhite
It freaked Me out completely and I was worried I was turning into some kind of Ted Budy character, it took years before I could explore what I was into properly and I'm the first to admit I still know very liitle and have a lot to learn. I've said it before, but this lifestyle found Me, I didn't find this lifestyle.


Thanks for sharing .. I can see how it could freak you out.  I've had moments when I question myself and could easily extrapolate an issue into a huge problem, and have had to pull myself back and realize sometimes there really isn't a problem - it's just how things are. 

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 12:09:36 PM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoNYCDommes

It never occured to me that there was anything wrong or abnormal about the things that interested me.  For one thing, even as a child I never had any difficulty finding others to share, or even act out elements of, my twisted fantasies.


Wow, even as a child?  Sometimes I am amazed at the sheltered world I grew up in.  lol  I had to perv your profile after reading this.  I'm about 12 years older than you and wonder whether the world, which becomes more progressive all the time (though sometimes at a snail's pace!) made it a bit easier for you to be comfortable with yourseslf.  Hell, I went to a very sheltered private Catholic high school for girls only ... there was one girl there who had spiked hair, and probably would have done piercings and tattoos if she could have gotten away with it.  She was just a bit alternative, but the way she was treated like an absolute freak. 


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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 12:32:50 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		My experience exactly!  I was a 'late bloomer', only deciding to accept my submissive nature when I hit the magic milestone 40.  I briefly tried to talk about my emerging nature with a very open-minded friend, but even she was struggling to understand and accept, so I let it drop. 
Sometimes I still find myself worrying about how different I am to 'everyone else', but then I recall the years I spent in unfulfilling 'nilla relationships and how happy and secure in myself and my sexuality I am now, and my worries evaporate.

In my world I AM normal, and that's all that matters.

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 1:07:33 PM   
TwoNYCDommes


Posts: 237
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220
How do you plan on bringing this up with the kids? 


I know your question wasn't directed at me, and the example I have is a bit... shallow, but I thought I'd share it. 
Though I have no children myself, I had a weekend daughter (the child of an ex I lived with at the time) for a few years.  Somehow it had fallen to me to answer any questions she had about things like sex, largely because her father wasn't comfortable with it--after being directed to me when she asked him what a condom wrapper was once, she seemed to have decided that I was the person to go to with questions on such topics.  So I'd had conversations with both her parents and been cleared to tell her the truth about whatever I wanted.  My basic approach, since she'd proven herself to be comfortable asking me things, was to let her decide how much information she wanted.  So, rather than launching into lengthy explanations (like the cliche "when a man and woman love each other very much...") I would give her short answers to her specific questions, then wait quietly/patiently/expectantly for any follow-up questions.  Thus, when the 6-year-old came across a flogger, our conversation went something like this:

her:  What is this?
me:  a flogger
her:  What's it for?
me:  beating people
her:  Why?
me:  because some people like to be beaten
her:  Does my Daddy?
me (secretly relieved that he did not):  No.

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 1:45:13 PM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoNYCDommes


her:  What is this?
me:  a flogger
her:  What's it for?
me:  beating people
her:  Why?
me:  because some people like to be beaten
her:  Does my Daddy?
me (secretly relieved that he did not):  No.


Oh, my!  lol  I'm laughing at your relief to not have to explain *that* one! 

Thank you for sharing... it's not shallow at all and rather sounds like a few conversations I've had with my kids - like you said, I never give more info than I am asked for, unless it's a health or safety issue which I feel the need to discuss.  While I don't know that I'd have shared the flogging info with the 6yo, I do appreciate that you were being up front and honest with her - too many parents aren't.  I would probably give that answer to my 12yo, but that's just me.  It probably went right over the head of the 6yo while the 12yo would give it much more thought ... hmmm, perhaps I have that backwards after all!  lol


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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 2:07:05 PM   
TheGaggingWh0re


Posts: 222
Joined: 1/19/2006
Status: offline 		I don't think I ever had an instance where I thought I was strange or horrible, but I know my Master did. It took a lot of convincing him that he wasn't some crazed maniac before he finally shrugged and rolled with it. I'm so glad, too! I happen to like my spankings, thank you very much. :P

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 3:27:16 PM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220
I'm so glad you know you're not a monster anymore!  How do you plan on bringing this up with the kids?  It's such a tricky issue.  I know what you mean about not wanting them to have fears about themselves, but so much of what it is that we do is contrary to the very lessons I teach them as their mom. 

It's almost funny in a way ... 'Boys don't hit girls ... unless, er, that is, unless the girl really wants him to, and it's consensual'  or to a girl 'Stand on your own two feet, be brave, confident and decisive ... that is, um, unless you meet this guy who would rather you kneel at his feet, and serve him, and you really, really, really wanna do that ...'


Me, too! :)
*grin and nod* I'm bisexual, and fairly vocal about it (though generally fairly closeted about the kinky part), so I know "alternative" sexuality is going to come up...I plan on just slipping in casual tidbits about BDSM along with everything else. "Some people find biting exciting, too...", for example, and if they seem to perk up, I'll continue go to stronger examples, and so on. Beyond that, answering questions as directly and correctly as possible, as mentioned. And, you know, make it up as I go along. :P

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 3:27:48 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I have never had any problems reconciling my sexuality with my self worth. Other self esteem issues, sure, but not from sex. Perhaps I was fortunate in that I never had anyone tell me I was sick, but all I ever got was that it didn't work for them.

However my upbringing would explain that. I've spent the last 40 years summering in a primarily gay, clothing optional beach community. What people talk about here was pretty mundane there.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 3:41:58 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		I look back now and think of how I felt when I was very young. I’m sure there is a biologic endocrine staging that makes us go through these things. My earliest sexual excitement had an element of bdsm and it continued to grow into my early teens. There certainly was guilt and I fought against thinking of these things to no avail.

In high school, I was able to suppress all these things as I strove to become a socially accepted adult, I suppose. I started to play the role of the nice guy who would never think of such things….and really I didn’t.

When I met a submissive experienced woman in my early 20’s, it all came back real fast. There were breaks over the years, but IT continued to grow as did my understanding and self acceptance to where I don’t make too much of the whole thing these days.

< Message edited by ExSteelAgain -- 6/20/2008 3:51:14 PM >

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RE: Growing Up ... - 6/20/2008 3:58:02 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		I had more problems drawing a line than crossing one...I suppose, I still do. I had to find a place that was healthy for me rather than trying to accept every "want" I had. That last lead to a few painful revelations about what I need rather than what I want. They aren't necessarily opposites, but they aren't perfect matches either.
 
This seems to be a kind of continual evolution for me...guess I'm never gonna grow up.
 
 

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

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