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Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 10:03:57 AM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline 		With the author's permission, i fliched the following from an email i received..it is very, very long and i'm not reproducing the whole thing.  i'm not following all these rules myself, but i admit the email did get me thinking about safety again.  The email author is a Person i met on another site, but doesn't want His information given.
 
(Beginning of email material:)
 
Treat any meet like you would any blind date.

 1. When possible meet during daylight hours. A good first meet is coffee at a busy Starbuck's. I recommend coffee because if you end up not liking the person then it doesn't last as long. LOL.  Another good first meet would be at a munch or other type of group social. I wouldn't do a first meet on a play night at a dungeon or private party. Make sure someone knows where you are going. Be sure the person you are meeting KNOWS someone knows who you are
meeting and where you will be. Don't deviate from the plan. If it is suggested to go someplace else after your arrival, just say no thank you.  This is fine and refuse.

2. Always meet as 'just people' getting to know each other. Do not meet in any type of 'd/s' capacity. No using 'sir' or 'ma'am'. Stay on an even playing field so to speak. It's also appropriate to take a friend with you.

3. Meet the person at the place. Don't park your car in an isolated area.

4. Don't let him walk you to your car after the date if it is in a more isolated spot.

5. Don't turn your back on your coffee/drink/ food. If you have to go to the restroom and leave your beverage unattended, order fresh when you get back.

6. Have 911 on speed dial on your phone. Punch it if you feel you're in any type of danger. To me that's the best 'safe call' anyone can have. Have a regular type safe call set up. I'm not a huge fan of safe calls but they CAN be a deterant if nothing else. And it lets the person you are meeting know that someone knows where you are and cares about your safety. It lets them know YOU care about your safety. Don't go anyplace you have to turn off your phone. Keep it on.

7. NO TYPE OF BONDAGE!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! Including blindfolds and earplugs...NONE NONE NONE

8. Think with your brain and trust your gut. If you can't do those two things...stay home. YOU are responsible for YOUR safety!

Before the date. Don't ask for any information from the person you are meeting that you're not willing to reciprocate. The safety street runs both ways, so how much are you willing to disclose? Name and phone number are enough for a coffee meet.

And if there is any doubt in your mind and you are getting 'that feeling'.... DON'T GO!!! BDSM is fun but it sure as hell isn't worth getting yourself hurt, terrorized or dying for.
 
(End of email material.)

So here's my question: is the author over-emphasizing safety?  Can there be such a thing as too much concern for physical, personal well-being when meeting a stranger, esp off  the 'net, in real life?
 
pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/4/2008 10:11:42 AM >

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 10:11:07 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		People have to do what they feel comfortable doing. I suspect that his list of rules would be far too much for some....and not nearly enough for others.

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 10:13:38 AM   
Guilty1974


Posts: 467
Joined: 11/2/2005
From: Den Haag
Status: offline 		Right, what's going on on a first date is between me and my date...

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 10:29:46 AM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub
So here's my question: is the author over-emphasizing safety?  Can there be such a thing as too much concern for physical, personal well-being when meeting a stranger, esp off  the 'net, in real life?
 
pinksugarsub


I think the list as you posted it is pretty good, actually, but I DEFINITELY think people can go too far/go overboard and miss out on potentially great relationships because they are so paranoid about safety that a minor deviation is treated like a major one. For example...really, using "sir or ma'am", if it feels right, isn't exactly a big risk, and if a dominant requested it and you skipped out on that basis alone, that would be really pretty silly. I agree that it's best to meet as equals...but just a hint of dynamic is hardly going to put you in serious danger. (If you are THAT susceptible, I'm not sure you should be going out alone anywhere!) Another thing...I would prefer that I meet someone without the distraction of another person there, so someone insisting on bringing a friend would be a major turn-off for me, especially if that person already has a safe call set up and has my information, etc. Now, because I don't want to miss out, I'd probably go even if they insisted on bringing the friend...but I know of people who would consider even my resistance to the idea to be such a violation of safety that they would then refuse to meet. That falls in the "overboard" category.
Really, safety comes down mostly to common sense, but I do think lists like this serve a purpose...for example, in today's world of knock-out drugs in drinks, the fifth rule about not turning your back on your food/drink is a VERY sensible one that I, frankly, would probably never have thought of on my own. It's a matter of using good judgement and sense to decide where to be flexible and where to draw a line, and, unfortunately, that's something no one can provide you.

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 10:35:40 AM   
Darkhaven80


Posts: 76
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with everyone else, what works for some... I don't go all out like some of these posts though, they seem almost part of what's exciting for some. To me setting it up like a kid going to school takes some of the fun out of it. I meet in a public place with blind dates or potential dominants, and to me that's plenty of protection. Know them first, don't just just into a meeting with someone you've spoken to online once...not just for safety reasons, but compatibility. Let them know what you expect the first time (no play vs play, etc.) Don't just jump in the car alone with someone you don't know. Common sense applies. 

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 10:42:03 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		I can agree with rule #8.

As for the rest, well, I've always been more of a rule breaker then follower and yet I live to tell the tale.

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 10:59:05 AM   
bashfulhuck


Posts: 119
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline 		For me, those rules work very well. If you do decide to bring a friend, that friend can be discreetly within eyesite, but not sitting with you and your date.
Iive dated a few times in the past year, and i always suggest we meet in a public spot. It's not neccessarily for me, because i am imposing as hell physically, and very capable of taking care of myself. But because i look the way i do, i want my date to feel at ease and safe when she first meets me. Then she gets to find out that i really am just a big teddy bear, without worrying about me wanting to hurt them.
And yes, knock out drugs in drinks are still a huge concern. i bounce at a nightclub, and it wasn't that long ago that i spotted some jerk off spiking a ladie's drink when she got up and went to the bathroom. When we detained and searched him, he had both X and roofies on him.
Needless to say, he wasn't treated too nicely by us before getting handed to the police.

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 11:24:48 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I do not agreewith the List atall and I find it to be nothing more than a way to make people more skeptical than they need to be.  People need to know themselves and know who they are meeting and then such a list would not exist.  Sorry pinkie, but this is the kind of shit that people set up to make them seem more knowledgable than they really are and place false insecurities on prospectives.
 
I met Darcy in a public place, retreatedshortly to a private setting, then onto a BDSM event and spent the entire weekend with him in private on and off.
If you cannot trust the person with your head and your gut in the first place then maybe you should not be meeting?
I know I certainly would advise againt it.
 
the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 6/4/2008 11:25:15 AM >

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 11:26:46 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		The rules work for the people that feel more comfortable following them. However, some people take it too far, and rely on rules, rather than common sense, to keep them safe. 

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 11:34:26 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		not to hyjack but i always thought filching was drinking cum out of a straw from anothers ass....?

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 11:39:04 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		It also means to take something that has little value to another.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 11:39:15 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		thinks ... hmmms ... so my first meet with Sir ...

1 "meet during daylight hours" ..... it was 11.15 at night .. in a deserted airport (i mean really where *Was* everyone else?)
2 "always meet as just people" .... I arrived in dress code, and full protocol ... (I think my first words were "nice shirt Sir")
3 "meet them at the place" ... does the airport count as the place? .. we went back to His deserted office for a bit .. and then His house (did they count as places?
4 "always park your car nearby" ... my car was 9000 miles away ... and its not even mine .. I dont drive ... the car He took me too was in a public car park though
5 "don't turn your back on your coffee or drink" .... Sir made me a coffee while I was unpacking ... and forced me to drink it (I think so I had something He could make me throw up a little later in the evening)
6 " have 911 on speed dial" ...  my phone was in my bag, battery dead ... (and i didn't know the address of his house)
7 "no bondage of any kind" ... He had a collar on me within 10 minutes .. and shakles within 45 ... (after both of us tested I couldn't escape them)
8" think with your brain and trust your gut" ... for weeks leading up to the meet ... every bone in my body was telling me to run ... and my brain was screaming RED RED RED .... (Sir told me to ignore it .. that He gets that a lot from girls)

hmmmmmmmms



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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 11:40:06 AM   
bashfulhuck


Posts: 119
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline 		And yet many many people stated that they would never have thought Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Daumer would be the type to hurt so many people.
These rules aren't bullshit, they aren't so people can make themselves seem more knowledgable. They are basic safety guidelines for people to take.
Just because you meet your partner and didn't feel the need to follow those rules yourself, and it worked out for you, doesn't mean those safety guidelines aren't valid. Daumer btw lured his victims into his own home because he seemed so trustworthy and harmless.
It's a sad sad fact of life that there are people out there that want to hurt you, but it's a fact nonetheless. Taking steps to protect yourself from those people, while making yourself available to the right person, isn't a bad thing.
Had I not caught that guy spiking that girls drink, she could have ended up in a world of trouble, all because she got up to go to the bathroom. She had just meet this guy at the club, she didn't think about him dropping X into her vodka and cranberry juice.
Do I think people should live in fear? Hell no, go about your life, but do so in a safe manner. Just because that person seems so sweet and nice on the Net doesn't mean he is going to be that way IRL you know. It's not as if the would be rapist or killer is going to tell you online "Oh btw, when you show up tonight, you're in very real danger of me harming you".

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 11:42:26 AM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

crouchingtigress:  not to hyjack but i always thought filching was drinking cum out of a straw from anothers ass....?


No sweetie.  That's "felching".  and I understand the straw is optional.  And according to Wiki, the orifice is variable.

In fact, pinky used "filch" pretty much correctly, although probably a better word for stealing another's informal written thoughts is "crib"

E

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 11:42:32 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Hello bashful
 
You are correct that people may not have assumed bundy or daumer to be the type to hurt the way they did - but the fact is that these guides wouldn't stop them either.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 11:44:18 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Felching is the human version.  I cannot explain filching on CM due to terms, but it is similar.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 11:49:42 AM   
bashfulhuck


Posts: 119
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline 		I very much agree with you on many levels there Darcy. But had someone followed those guidelines when meeting Daumer, could it have saved them? Potentially it could have. Those guidelines are a good way to protect yourself while you evaluate that person. Bundy preyed on women that had no relationship to him whatsoever if I remember right. But I used his name to illustrate how even the most harmless seeming person may be the wolf in sheep's clothing.
Funny how people that look  like those 2 guys end up being total psycho serial killers, and people are shocked. Then people look at me and think I'm the guy that would victimize or hurt them just based on the fact that I'm extremely large, muscular, have a shaved head, tattoos and piercings. Yet I'm the big teddy bear that would not hurt a woman at all. <sigh> Sometimes it's frustrating that I get judged based on my looks.

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 12:03:43 PM   
SingleRarity


Posts: 320
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline 		What's funny to me, is that I think all of the above rules are excellent advice, yet I didn't follow them myself.  Daddy was in Illinois, and I was in Florida.  We met in New Orleans after a month of talking on the phone.  Technically our first meet was in the airport (pubic place), but within twenty minutes I was on my knees in our hotel room.  Ahh sweet memories from the 33rd floor of the Sheridan!  

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 12:07:18 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Hello bashful
 
It is the.dark.posting - Darcy has plain text when He posts - mine is squiffy .
Actually, having a discussion about bundy or daumer would be more in depth with Darcy - with him being very knowlegable on all things serial...
 
I still believe that would have not saved them - they were both extremely clever and if they could trick people into appearing and being as normal as they were, they would have been able to manipulate even with those rules in place.  But hey, weare being hypothetical.
 
I am very into doing what works for you, however in the context that Pinkie produced them, I don't believe it works and I don't believe that people have honourable intentions... or rather, they may be honourable but misguided.  I have honestly never met anyone who participate in relationships in the flesh who produce lists like this.  I do however come across these lists from people who tend to communicate via the internet only or on self proclaimed 'lifestyle' websites such as castlerealm or steeldoor.They have their place of course, but I personally am unable to support them for face to face meets.
 
I do hope you are enjoying CM as much as I have enjoyed your (few) posts since you have been participating!
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Safety Rules - 6/4/2008 12:23:37 PM   
bashfulhuck


Posts: 119
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline 		Sorry about that, I will try to keep in mind who is posting hehe. I do think the rules can work to prevent some issues. But like a locking your car door, or your front door at night, it only will offer so much protection.
One of the wonderful things about life to me is that there are no certainties apart from death and your government screwing you over LOL.
I also enjoy your posts as well. I've learned so much since joining CM, and it really has helped me begin to heal a heavy, broken heart. I hope you are having a blessed day..

the basful one

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