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RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:03:36 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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Prinsexx, I found out last night that M told me she was engaged before she told her sister or her parents. How cool is that? I am feeling like a million bucks, so I decided to break a rule I had made for myself, which was never to post on a thread you started. I thought maybe you were actually willing to listen today. My bad.

For anyone else reading, that line I quoted is one I used just today, and it led to a very nice conversation. Because it wasn't a "line" -- I really wanted to know about someone besides myself.

A lot of miscommunication happens because people only listen to themselves, so they don't hear what the other person is saying. This is especially bad when the miscommunicator is an insecure drama-whore. Then you can never trust what they tell you about how the conversation actually went down.

Most people aren't great at writing profiles. My own profile is mediocre. So what? Have a frikkin conversation, not a me-affirmation contest.

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 21

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:05:09 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

So did he ask you? Did he ask you if you were married or involved with anyone?That is when I would have returned the question. If he didn't ask you then I assume that it is something that isn't all that important to him. Prinsexx, you seem to be having a lot of trouble in relationships that involve a form of poly. Or at least it seems that way from your threads. Perhaps you ought to move in a different direction and see if that solves some of your problems?

I didn't say I was having a problem with this. I have told more than one Dom who has appraoched in this way that I feel they are having problems and that I am not prepared to fix it. Again this is not meant as a purely personal question camille.

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Post #: 22

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:05:42 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
Have a frikkin conversation, not a me-affirmation contest.

But...but...but... then there would be no fun in dysfunction.

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Post #: 23

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:07:10 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Prinsexx, I found out last night that M told me she was engaged before she told her sister or her parents. How cool is that? I am feeling like a million bucks, so I decided to break a rule I had made for myself, which was never to post on a thread you started. I thought maybe you were actually willing to listen today. My bad.

For anyone else reading, that line I quoted is one I used just today, and it led to a very nice conversation. Because it wasn't a "line" -- I really wanted to know about someone besides myself.

A lot of miscommunication happens because people only listen to themselves, so they don't hear what the other person is saying. This is especially bad when the miscommunicator is an insecure drama-whore. Then you can never trust what they tell you about how the conversation actually went down.

Most people aren't great at writing profiles. My own profile is mediocre. So what? Have a frikkin conversation, not a me-affirmation contest.

If you want a freakin conversation then all you have to do is mail me.
I'll give you a freakin conversation. Don't be shy.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
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(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 24

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:10:05 PM

CruelDesires

Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: CruelDesires

Did you ask right away if He was married or living with or seeing someone else?

Buyer beware.

CD

Are YOU married?
See how paranoid does that sound as a first question?
This refers to more than one experience by the way.....so is that the first question I should be asking? I'm not being sarcastic in anyway it would just not occur to me why someone would leave an entire person out of their profile, their journal and their communication.

No. But I have a slave living here 24/7. Also... my profile says to not bother me as I am not looking for anything. Then again... Being poly means that I play with others... as my profile also states. It is all open to interpretation.

CD

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Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 25

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:17:55 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
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FR...

umm prinny, you established contact, not a collar or a wedding ceremony...i talk with people all the time online, sometimes for a long time with out ever mentioning that i am in a relationship, and sometimes never doing so...and i recently took it out of my profile...i found that it detracts from conversation...completely benign conversation because men don't want to step on another man's toes by talking to their property...well, mine doesn't have insecurity issues and doesn't care who i talk to, he knows where i sleep at night - he's there...anyway...the fact that in the senario brought up in the OP, he mentioned the other slave after you said you were poly, well something smells rotten in the state of denmark...

you know...i was going to post some links...but i just drudged up some links that are better left burried...but, lets just suffice to say that, lying in profiles is nothing original...its like the first thing that ever happened on the internet, lying about age, weight, hair color, amount of hair, satus of signifigant other....you know...the usual....

chelle

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Post #: 26

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:24:46 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

FR...

umm prinny, you established contact, not a collar or a wedding ceremony...i talk with people all the time online, sometimes for a long time with out ever mentioning that i am in a relationship, and sometimes never doing so...and i recently took it out of my profile...i found that it detracts from conversation...completely benign conversation because men don't want to step on another man's toes by talking to their property...well, mine doesn't have insecurity issues and doesn't care who i talk to, he knows where i sleep at night - he's there...anyway...the fact that in the senario brought up in the OP, he mentioned the other slave after you said you were poly, well something smells rotten in the state of denmark...

you know...i was going to post some links...but i just drudged up some links that are better left burried...but, lets just suffice to say that, lying in profiles is nothing original...its like the first thing that ever happened on the internet, lying about age, weight, hair color, amount of hair, satus of signifigant other....you know...the usual....

chelle

Hi chelle:
Funny though how those who have experienced this will reply but no-one yet come forward to say oh hi, I've just corrected my profile I forgot to mention my partner on there, clean forgot about her all this time.
I'd be interested in the links you mention.
But the other difference is that you talk of just making contact. One of the experiences I had was not just about making contact with me it was about putting me under consideration.
Have I got mug bar coded across my forehead?

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
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To my stalker:
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(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 27

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:31:58 PM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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quote:

missturbation; I disagree. I don't think that what you are doing is deceptive. This is called dating. As long as the people you are speaking to know what is going on, I see no deception.

I see no deception either but some people would.

quote:

For a start a profile's role is to state what happens to be the most sustained element's of one's lifestyle, does it not? I would think that having a 24/7 partner is sustained?

The fact i have played with and seen this Dom for over 12 months i would say is sustained. I still don't state about him openly. If it comes to a point where this info is in need of being passed on i will then state it.
Maybe he thought it had only just got to the point where this info needed to be given.

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Post #: 28

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:32:32 PM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
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~~Fast Reply

I do not mention my vanilla boyfriend in my profile. Hell, I don't mention much at all in my profile. I simply stated what I was seeking and then I converse either with those who respond, or with others whose profiles seem to mesh with my interests.

I don't always mention that I have a vanilla boyfriend. It solely depends on the person who I am speaking with if I mention it at all. If I have no interest in the person who is contacting me, what business is it of theirs what my situation is? If after a few messages, I decide the person could be worth pursuing, I mention it.

I do not 'hide' the fact that I have a boyfriend, I've mentioned it quite a few times here on these boards. I don't advertise it either - not because he doesn't matter to me, but because it isn't necessary information for the vast majority of the folks here.

I'm a rather private person, as is my boyfriend. He prefers minimal mention of him.

If someone finds that deceptive, that is their problem, not mine.

Edited to add: If someone asks me if I have a S/O before I bring it up, I will answer it. I have no problem answering any "polite, getting-to-know-you" questions.

< Message edited by Domin8tingUrDrmz -- 6/3/2008 5:39:09 PM >

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Post #: 29

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:33:24 PM

CruelDesires

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Joined: 11/20/2004
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Again... It sounds like a breakdown on communication on your part. Just a casual "by the way.. are you involved with someone else at this time?" question injected in the 3rd or 4th email would solve the whole issue. I don't see what the big deal is?

CD

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Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 30

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:41:51 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CruelDesires

Again... It sounds like a breakdown on communication on your part. Just a casual "by the way.. are you involved with someone else at this time?" question injected in the 3rd or 4th email would solve the whole issue. I don't see what the big deal is?

CD

It's quite difficult to convey the dynamics exactly of what went down on each occassion. And since mailing and yahoo you know both have block buttons no big deal in that sense.
But the deal s were 9again more than one occassion) the deal was that it definitely felt like deception at the time. And that to me is lying.
Now again to me there are degrees of deception. If someone discloses that they have UN's for example then that i would not consider to be deviousness, more the fact that they were trying to protect their kids. No-one puts the kids on their profile. In deed disclosure of kids I take to be an omission of trust.
But leaving out a 24/7 partner completely?

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Post #: 31

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:46:08 PM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
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Why is it ok to omit children for their protection and not omit a significant other for the same reason? If the conversation is gearing toward 'consideration' sure, it should be mentioned, but, is there a specific time when it MUST be mentioned before you consider it deceitful? If so, why not mention that in YOUR profile?

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Post #: 32

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:47:48 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: CruelDesires

Again... It sounds like a breakdown on communication on your part. Just a casual "by the way.. are you involved with someone else at this time?" question injected in the 3rd or 4th email would solve the whole issue. I don't see what the big deal is?

CD

It's quite difficult to convey the dynamics exactly of what went down on each occassion. And since mailing and yahoo you know both have block buttons no big deal in that sense.
But the deal s were 9again more than one occassion) the deal was that it definitely felt like deception at the time. And that to me is lying.
Now again to me there are degrees of deception. If someone discloses that they have UN's for example then that i would not consider to be deviousness, more the fact that they were trying to protect their kids. No-one puts the kids on their profile. In deed disclosure of kids I take to be an omission of trust.
But leaving out a 24/7 partner completely?

If it continually happens to you then perhaps it's your communication skills at fault instead of it being everyone else who is "deceitful"

spelling edit

< Message edited by Aileen1968 -- 6/3/2008 5:48:48 PM >

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Post #: 33

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:56:14 PM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
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You stated in your scenario that the Dominant clearly declares himself Poly. He contacted a submissive who clearly states in her profile that she is poly. While I see other things in that scenario that I think are worth a second thought, I do not see how not mentioning someone in your profile is dishonest. I don't expect full disclosure from anyone - at least, not in the first stages of opening the lines of communication. In that time, I would think you had ample time to ask him questions about whether or not he was in a relationship already.

My question to you is this, why is it you felt that within those few weeks to a month of chatting, that you couldn't have asked him about his relationships? Current or otherwise? I have this nagging thought that tugs at me, and I hope it is not unkind or insulting. I don't mean it to be, but there seems to me to be a certain deception on your part, by having concerns about his already owning a slave - when you have clearly advertised yourself that you are Poly. If I'm reading this wrong, I wouldn't be surprised, but the thought did occur to me. Perhaps there is more of a resistence toward not being 'first girl" to someone than you are acutely aware of? Who knows. Just my own ramblings.

WD

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 6/3/2008 5:57:40 PM >

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 34

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 5:56:50 PM

fungasm

Posts: 321
Joined: 8/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Domin8tingUrDrmz

~~Fast Reply

I do not mention my vanilla boyfriend in my profile. Hell, I don't mention much at all in my profile. I simply stated what I was seeking and then I converse either with those who respond, or with others whose profiles seem to mesh with my interests.

I don't always mention that I have a vanilla boyfriend. It solely depends on the person who I am speaking with if I mention it at all. If I have no interest in the person who is contacting me, what business is it of theirs what my situation is? If after a few messages, I decide the person could be worth pursuing, I mention it.

I do not 'hide' the fact that I have a boyfriend, I've mentioned it quite a few times here on these boards. I don't advertise it either - not because he doesn't matter to me, but because it isn't necessary information for the vast majority of the folks here.

I'm a rather private person, as is my boyfriend. He prefers minimal mention of him.

If someone finds that deceptive, that is their problem, not mine.

Edited to add: If someone asks me if I have a S/O before I bring it up, I will answer it. I have no problem answering any "polite, getting-to-know-you" questions.

Dear,

You state that once you find someone you consider a viable possibility that you give them the information about yourself, and that it is part of the "getting to know you process." You wouldn't let someone whom you were interested go a month or more without knowing the full dynamics of what they are getting into. You've made Ms. P's point for her.

But there is something I have to say... How different is a Vanilla boyfriend? Does that mean that someone doesn't count a relationship because they don't have certain characteristics? Does this mean that even if someone is in a committed relationship, they get another partner because the first one doesn't do something? You make it sound like there is some thing you can't get from your partner, so you go off to find it from other partners, who only get to find out about your current partner as an afterthought? I find that disturbing and demeaning to the people in your life- and not in the fun way. I would think that if you are lucky enough to be in a caring relationship with someone worthy of you, and you adding another partner to that dynamic- you rejoice in that with honesty. Why would you be willing to put it on the boards, but not on your profile, where someone actually is searching for a partner is looking?

I hope you find what you are seeking, and it happens with bliss and joy.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Domin8tingUrDrmz)

Post #: 35

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 6:03:39 PM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

I am a poly Master with a 24/7 live-in slave looking for a third... I didn't think twice about adding her to My profile as soon as I Owned her... Just the way I am. From My perspective if I wasn't seeking then maybe I wouldn't feel a need for honesty reasons, but I would still do so becuase I have no reason to hide her, she isn't some dirty little secret and I am not seeing others behind her back so don't have anyone to hide her from!

Yes I would see the actions you describe dishonest..... reeling someone in before dropping the bombshell rather than being upfront and honest at the start.

Ditto.. I am also poly and I already have a live in submissive. I make more than one reference to him in my profile because it is a straight up fact that he lives here. I am in agreement that it is a bit dishonest to not say anything - at least in the first few emails if not in the profile itself.
Being poly doesn't mean that you are already IN a relationship.

Maybe these people are insecure and are afraid they won't get enough interest if they mention the other submissive right up front.
Or maybe they think that the two (three, four...) submissives are mutually exclusive and will have no contact? I can't say that I can speak for another's mind.
I can only tell you that I've had those fleeting thoughts about the difficulties of finding a third or trying to have minimum interaction. The thoughts WERE fleeting though, because they aren't practical. I can't very well just find another submissive, bring her/him home and say "oh by the way, pay no attention that wolf in my bed".

*sighs*
I would be wary of those dominants. Yes, I suppose you have to ask, but if they are dominant, they are supposed to be able to take responsible control of all involved. To me, responsible equates with honesty.

Lady Jag

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Post #: 36

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 6:16:43 PM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

I make very clear in my profile that I am looking for a secondary partner and have a primary partner. I didn't fill it out as a couple and fill in his info in the partner part because I am the one looking; the relationship with him would be a platonic/friendship thing, so I figured that was the most accurate respresentation of my situation.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 37

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 6:17:01 PM

virgini970

Posts: 142
Joined: 5/28/2008
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yes if you are looking for some one new and you want them to trust you then yes you tell them be for they ask would you not want the same with out trust what do you have

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Post #: 38

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 6:33:30 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
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So he told you he was poly early on, and you know that being in a prior commitment is important to you, but you don't think to ask?

I'd find it a bit odd that after a few weeks this other person has never come up in any conversations, usually that means they aren't really spending much time together or that they are indeed focusing on things other than what actually makes them who they are- but I wouldn't put them out as fish food right off for it.

What about asking if there was any intent for not mentioning it beforehand?

And honestly, I don't know that I mention my partner in all my profiles, my profile is about me!

_____________________________

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Post #: 39

RE: Partner omitted from profile? - 6/3/2008 6:58:25 PM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline

But there is something I have to say... How different is a Vanilla boyfriend? Simple. He isn't interested in a D/s dynamic or kink.

Does that mean that someone doesn't count a relationship because they don't have certain characteristics?
Absolutely not. He is a wonderful man - he prefers not to be mentioned in my profile here. I am the one looking for an addition, he is content with that, but since he isn't the active seeker, he wishes to not be included on the profile.

Does this mean that even if someone is in a committed relationship, they get another partner because the first one doesn't do something?
Something like that, not entirely. He and I both believe and understand that one person often cannot satisfy every need the other has; yet they still satisfy them overall. It would be too much pressure to expect them to be 'perfect' and that in itself could create undue burdens on the relationship itself.

You make it sound like there is some thing you can't get from your partner, so you go off to find it from other partners, who only get to find out about your current partner as an afterthought? I find that disturbing and demeaning to the people in your life- and not in the fun way.
Yes, I do seek the D/s in another. Why is that wrong? I also seek a loving, caring, relationship with them as well, just different in certain aspects than that which I have with my SO.

I would think that if you are lucky enough to be in a caring relationship with someone worthy of you, and you adding another partner to that dynamic- you rejoice in that with honesty. Why would you be willing to put it on the boards, but not on your profile, where someone actually is searching for a partner is looking?
I chose to mention it here, and in a few other posts simply because it was relevant to the topic at hand. I keep it off my profile because I keep my profile brief, and I like it that way.

I am not putting that information in my profile for several reasons. First, I find the less information I have in my profile, the more 'honest' first impressions I receive in my mailbox. Sometimes that honest first impression is one of a HNG, sure - that helps me eliminate them as potentials, I don't have a problem with that. Othertimes, I receive refreshing, open emails from wonderful people. I am honest with them. As I said, I don't hide it, I just don't advertise it. If they were hoping I was single, and it is an issue for them that I am not, then we either remain friends, or we move on. Fortunately, I've had many contacts that did not find that to be an obstacle. So, unless it begins to block my ability to receive good correspondence, I won't change it. Secondly, it was requested that I did not put it in my profile.

I hope you find what you are seeking, and it happens with bliss and joy.
Thank you, I wish you well too.

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Post #: 40

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