Inferiority or Superiority in play styles?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Inferiority or Superiority in play styles?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Inferiority or Superiority in play styles?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 4:44:49 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

It seems that over the years I have noticed a recurring theme in regards to public play. I've noticed it coming mostly from the "s" side of the equation, but they don't have an exclusive market on it. What I am referring to is the need for some folks to either brag or apologize for their play style.

Most often I've heard those who brag about the heaviness of their play or how much they can take. (I think we've probably all heard that one.) I've also had the experience several times over of a submissive who seems apologetic for the lighter nature of their play. (I'm sorry, that scene probably seemed boring to you but I just can't play hard like you can.) On an occasion or two I have even heard a heavier player apologize for their play, although I think it has usually been a veiled attempt at bragging. (I'm sorry, I hope I didn't freak anyone here out with that scene...I like to play hard.) It's almost as if they perceive that there is some kind of race going on....or some unseen barometer by which they think that their submission is being judged.

I am sure it occurs on the dominant end too but maybe my orientation keeps me from coming in contact with that particular mentality more often.

Do you feel like you are being somehow judged by your particular play style? If so, why? I really don't understand it. If two people are enjoying what they are doing...are both in full consent...does it really matter if they are up there whipping the skin off each other or throwing cotton balls at each other? Aren't both of those things equally beautiful if all parties involved are happy with them?

I guess that what I just wanted to say is that if you are doing what makes you happy...don't worry about how others are viewing them.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

Post #: 1

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 5:46:07 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

For some reason, the label "soft" is just a horrible one to have in, generally, in BDSM. Dominants want submissives that can take everything they have to dish out, and submissives want dominants that will give them everything they want, and the implication is that "soft" means you are much less likely to fulfill, whichever side you are on. There's also the fear of getting involved with a dabbler or, worse, a faker...lots of "I'm here for the hot chicks" "dominants" and "I'm here for the pampering" "submissives" will "play soft" because they're really just going through the motions to get their real desires fulfilled. Finally, ime, dominant personalities, particularly younger ones, tend to be competitive, and submissives will often take on their partners competitiveness.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 2

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 5:57:54 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

The whole "I can take more than you" trip that some playbunny subs enter into is totaly irrelevant to Me. It isn't the amount of pain I give out that I enjoy but rather the reactions to that pain. If it is a girl who can't take as much then I get those reactions at lighter levels of play, if it is a full on maso then I have to dig a bit deeper to get what I want... either way, I get what I want and don't consider either to be 'better'... to Me, better (AKA more suited to Me) would be "more reactive" not wether they can simply take more.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 3

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 6:05:22 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny
For some reason, the label "soft" is just a horrible one to have in, generally, in BDSM. Dominants want submissives that can take everything they have to dish out, and submissives want dominants that will give them everything they want, and the implication is that "soft" means you are much less likely to fulfill, whichever side you are on.

I wouldn't think this would be a problem if people took the time to find their match. Lots of dominants aren't into heavy play. I know that when I was searching that was a sticking point for me because I am a masochist. I can remember one guy who said "Let me see if I got this right...you won't seriously consider me for a partner because I won't stick you full of needles, beat the crap out of you and set you on fire?". LOL...it sounded funny coming out that way but the truth is that we simply weren't a good match in that area. My rejection of him wasn't a reflection on his dominance....only that his particular style of dominance was not a good match for what I was looking for. Knowing yourself and what you are looking for goes a long way. I am sure that his particular style of dominance is absolutely perfect for someone else. It just wasn't for me. Now he could take that as a personal affront....or he could just chalk it up to incompatibility and concentrate on finding someone who is more to his taste. I've also turned down dominants who I felt were far more "extreme" than I thought I was capable of. Again, not a reflection on their "trueness" or "realness"....just not a match. I'm sure there are submissives who would be perfect for them too.

quote:

There's also the fear of getting involved with a dabbler or, worse, a faker...lots of "I'm here for the hot chicks" "dominants" and "I'm here for the pampering" "submissives" will "play soft" because they're really just going through the motions to get their real desires fulfilled.

Again, I think it boils down to knowing yourself and knowing what you want....and not trying to make someone who doesn't meet the criteria "fit".

quote:

Finally, ime, dominant personalities, particularly younger ones, tend to be competitive, and submissives will often take on their partners competitiveness.

I don't think that I've noticed any real difference based upon age. I would also have to say that competitiveness amongst submissives, at least in my experience, seems to occur more amongst those who do not have long term partners. People with partners just tend to be more content and not have any need to be in the "race".

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 4

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 6:21:37 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny
For some reason, the label "soft" is just a horrible one to have in, generally, in BDSM. Dominants want submissives that can take everything they have to dish out, and submissives want dominants that will give them everything they want, and the implication is that "soft" means you are much less likely to fulfill, whichever side you are on.

I wouldn't think this would be a problem if people took the time to find their match. Lots of dominants aren't into heavy play. I know that when I was searching that was a sticking point for me because I am a masochist. I can remember one guy who said "Let me see if I got this right...you won't seriously consider me for a partner because I won't stick you full of needles, beat the crap out of you and set you on fire?". LOL...it sounded funny coming out that way but the truth is that we simply weren't a good match in that area. My rejection of him wasn't a reflection on his dominance....only that his particular style of dominance was not a good match for what I was looking for. Knowing yourself and what you are looking for goes a long way. I am sure that his particular style of dominance is absolutely perfect for someone else. It just wasn't for me. Now he could take that as a personal affront....or he could just chalk it up to incompatibility and concentrate on finding someone who is more to his taste. I've also turned down dominants who I felt were far more "extreme" than I thought I was capable of. Again, not a reflection on their "trueness" or "realness"....just not a match. I'm sure there are submissives who would be perfect for them too.

quote:

There's also the fear of getting involved with a dabbler or, worse, a faker...lots of "I'm here for the hot chicks" "dominants" and "I'm here for the pampering" "submissives" will "play soft" because they're really just going through the motions to get their real desires fulfilled.

Again, I think it boils down to knowing yourself and knowing what you want....and not trying to make someone who doesn't meet the criteria "fit".

quote:

Finally, ime, dominant personalities, particularly younger ones, tend to be competitive, and submissives will often take on their partners competitiveness.

I don't think that I've noticed any real difference based upon age. I would also have to say that competitiveness amongst submissives, at least in my experience, seems to occur more amongst those who do not have long term partners. People with partners just tend to be more content and not have any need to be in the "race".

I agree with you; most people who have been around a while eventually figure all this out and get over it. I suppose by "young", I really meant, "newer to BDSM in general". When you are new, you are constantly being judged, it's human nature, and it's also human nature to care about how you are judged...till you reach a maturity level where you understand that the only thing that really matters is how you and the people affected by you judge you.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 5

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 6:34:34 AM

HalloweenWhite

Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

I've always been a believer in "Y.K.I.M.K.B.Y.K.I.OK". Live and let live and all that, it's none of My business how O/others enjoy T/their relationship.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 6

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 6:48:16 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I have seen what you are talking about and then those that compete on how submissive they are. The "I am better because I can do X crowd". I don't get it and just want to enjoy myself and do not care how others enjoy themselves. Everyone is different and doesn't have the same style. It isn't about them it is about me.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 7

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 6:53:26 AM

cantilena

Posts: 224
Joined: 8/6/2007
Status: offline

I think you're approach is right on. If you and your partner are happy, that is all that matters. But I also agree that the sublier-than-thou snark-a-thon is alive and well, and not just online, but in real time interaction as well.

In my observation, this also sometimes applies to situations in which your kink doesn't fit exactly into one of the neat little letter boxes we've figured out (i.e. D/s, M/s etc etc). Or in situations where people have managed to compromise somewhere in a way others don't see as being twue submission or (worse) twue dominance... All of a sudden, they somehow have less relevance or insight.

I no longer feel the need to discuss my own situation, kinks or relationships. It's not a posture of apology, exactly. It's more that I don't discuss it if I think the details won't resonate with the group I'm talking with. That said, it does take a little time and perspective to learn to ignore any negativity and value ones own priorities over the "standards" of any given group.

In the beginning, it can hurt like bugger-all.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 8

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 6:54:05 AM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

Well in RT I have bhad folks come up to Elegant after the scene and ask her if she was OK. I've had folks walk out of the room and go straight to a DM and want them to stop this abussive scene in the other room. The DM comes in see's it's me and Elegant and have to explain to the person "No that's not abussive, that's just hard play. Archer knows what he's doing when it comes to ____ type play."

It does kinda cause a knee jerk reaction of appologizing for "hard play" as a kind of defense measure to being accussed of being abussive.

I certainly have a level of pride when it comes to what I can do, they are not all easy skills to learn and employ. Nothing wrong with having a bit of pride, but certainly I have seen levels of pride that I would consider unhealthy. I guess the problem is moderation rather than either extream in all things.

(in reply to HalloweenWhite)

Post #: 9

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 6:54:07 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Judged? Perhaps, but only in the way that we're all judged all the time. The hot sexy cool flashy play tends to get the most attention and be the most memorable. A long slow sensuous intimate quiet scene that only outwardly looks like a mild flogging will not garner the same reaction or judgement at all. The former will get all the chatter and "He's really intense" while the latter might not be remembered at all.

I am aware of this, and occasionally it pings and annoys as all surface judgements do, but ultimately no it's not a big deal. I just keep doing what I do.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 10

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 7:00:35 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer
Well in RT I have bhad folks come up to Elegant after the scene and ask her if she was OK. I've had folks walk out of the room and go straight to a DM and want them to stop this abussive scene in the other room.

Yes, I have had exactly the same experiences....numerous times. I also understand that knee jerk reaction as I have felt bad on more than one occassion....but I don't really apologize for it though. I will explain it to help someone get a better understanding if someone is questioning it.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 11

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 7:26:21 AM

HalloweenWhite

Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

I'd feel really awkward about speaking up about S/someone's form of playing-it could very well back-fire, in the case of You and your slave, its just how Y/you B/both like to play so I'd have no reason to worry, also, if I was wrong, and it just happened that T/the people were just playing harder than I was used to I might end up with a couple of flat tyres and no way to pump 'em up again! lol.

I think I'd just try to leave the room as quickly and quietly as I could, much safer in the long run.

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 12

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 7:41:34 AM

Willowmoon

Posts: 227
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline

Master and i have had conversations that go along the lines of

'i'm not really a slave because I can't take you canning me until I am bleeding' or 'i'm not really a slave because I don't have a high pain tolerance' it is during those conversations that I am reminded that the lifestyle we live is not all about pain and the play but is about the power exchange between us and the fact that he is happy and proud of me makes me happy for pleasing him.

I have been at events where people have told me I am not a 'real' slave because I can't take huge amounts of pain, I hate the way that being a slave or a submissive tends to be judged on how much pain you can take when there is so much more to it then that.

Willow

(in reply to HalloweenWhite)

Post #: 13

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 7:58:43 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Willowmoon

Master and i have had conversations that go along the lines of

'i'm not really a slave because I can't take you canning me until I am bleeding' or 'i'm not really a slave because I don't have a high pain tolerance' it is during those conversations that I am reminded that the lifestyle we live is not all about pain and the play but is about the power exchange between us and the fact that he is happy and proud of me makes me happy for pleasing him.

you are HIS because you suit HIS needs, balls to what anyone else 'expects' you to be. They don't Own you, He does

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Willowmoon)

Post #: 14

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 8:04:40 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Another reason I never go to public play events. I got tired of the "heavy players" thinking they are "all that".

What they really tend to be are attention whoring showboats.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 15

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 8:05:51 AM

HalloweenWhite

Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

Being a slave or a submissive isn't about how much pain you can take, it's about service, giving pleasure,and getting pleasure from giving, its about wanting make your Master or Mistresses' live a happier one.

(in reply to Willowmoon)

Post #: 16

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 8:06:36 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

the majority of the time we "play" in public, this slave is blindfolded. although she knows the rest of the room is there, it fades away and the only two people in the universe are this slave and Master. after a little while, the line that seperates us as individuals is blurred, in this slave's perception, and we are one.

it never enters this slave's mind...before, during or after, if others think it "too light" or "too hard", or to apologize to those who chose to watch.

the funniest thing ever, was at a swinger's club, in their "dungeon" themed room...(swingers don't play by the same rules, and touch and talk and interrupt folks who are engaged with each other all the time.) they were fascinated by clothespins on the nipples, and weren't shy or reserved about interrupting---(WOW, does she really like that? does that hurt? how does that feel?)

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 17

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 8:24:53 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Another reason I never go to public play events. I got tired of the "heavy players" thinking they are "all that".

What they really tend to be are attention whoring showboats.

Do you feel that way about anyone who plays heavily or only those who are boastful? Do you base that that is what they are thinking on the nature of their play....or because they convey that opinion of themselves? I do play heavily at times and I would hate anyone to think that is what I was trying to do just because of the way I play. Sometimes I also enjoy very light, sensual scenes....hot waxing, massage, sensation play. I think it's funny because I have had people ask me if I wasn't feeling well after one of those scenes that leans to the lighter side....like something MUST be wrong with me if I'm not playing heavily.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 18

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 8:45:54 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HalloweenWhite

Being a slave or a submissive isn't about how much pain you can take, it's about service, giving pleasure,and getting pleasure from giving, its about wanting make your Master or Mistresses' live a happier one.

You know, I wonder how much all of this has to do with D/s and SM being intertwined and not intertwined. Seems to me that, particularly before the advent of the internet, the BDSM scene was most heavily populated with SM folk, some incorporating D/s, some not. I get the impression that D/s folk who didn't have much/any SM element pretty much stayed home and did their own thing, y'know? Clubs and such were really more for the hard players who needed the equipment and the sound-dampening qualities. And now that's changed and there are tons of people who play SM lightly or not at all out there and the whole social dynamic changed.

It's easier, too (at least it was for me), to feel insecure about SM stuff because, you know, you can SEE it in a way you can't necessarily SEE D/s. (I probably should elaborate on this, but I have a toddler talking at me.)

(in reply to HalloweenWhite)

Post #: 19

RE: Inferiority or Superiority in play styles? - 5/28/2008 9:03:06 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I remember Eons Ago, I was requested by some event organizers to tone down my play because I was scaring the new folks.... thus engendering my motto of FUCK THE NEWBIES.

I do what I do. As a female dominant, I attract an audience, or did when I played a lot. My scene is between me and the person I am playing with, and if all I use is a (borrowed!) bunny fur flogger, or if I try to make a Jackson Pollock piece with a singletail, it is not about the audience unless it is a demo.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Inferiority or Superiority in play styles?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.172