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RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 10:00:23 AM

MistressYlwa

Posts: 263
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline

Unfortunately, I do have to agree that the number of Dom/me's to subs/slaves is limited. But that does not mean tat a sub should latch onto the first "dominant" that will have them. Nor should a dominant settle, because of frustration with players and wannabe's.

D/s is a relationship first. If interests, desires, and lifestyle are not compatible, then it isn't for me. As for the violence you mention, I am sure there are dominants who have experienced similar situations, from a different perspective of course.

While I have been traveling, I have had the opportunity to visit a number of groups. Some better than others. But the first people I spend time with are officers and long time members. They offer the best insight, for me, into the membership and who to avoid.

These are just my opinions, not hard and fast rules. But hopefully will give you some ideas of alternatives to avoiding groups altogether.

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Mistress Ylwa

You see what power is - holding someone elses fear in your hand and showing it to them! - Amy Tan

(in reply to cantilena)

Post #: 21

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 10:27:59 AM

cantilena

Posts: 224
Joined: 8/6/2007
Status: offline

I've re-read what I wrote previously, and based on some subsequent replies, I find I need to clarify.

In no way did I mean to imply that loneliness in and of itself equates to a lack of judgement. It is an emotion, and in my opinion not anything more than that or less than that. Desperation is a different can of worms, though, and I feel *that* can lead to vulnerabilites that otherwise wouldn't exist. I think loneliess is one of several things that might lead to desperation, but doesn't necessarily do so as a matter of course.

I think my previous post could have implied differently.

(in reply to MistressYlwa)

Post #: 22

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 10:50:21 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
I think we should address why WIITWD seems to rob many people of logic and common sense.

I think one of the reasons for this is that for some, this type of interaction (whether BDSM, D/s or M/s) is something they have fantasized about for years. Then they stumble upon something that indicates their desires do not have to stay fantasy and in the rush to experience everything they have been dreaming about they stop using their commom sense. They start making poor choices that they wouldn't otherwise make. They start ignoring their old support system and then find themselves in difficult situations.

Then there are others who just make poor choices in all aspects of their life, so it is the same when they discover BDSM.

I am sure that there are many other reasons why as well.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 23

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 11:03:22 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

This is why I always tell people that gettting involved in "communities" is no better than trying online. There are just as many, if not more predatory sorts on the flesh world than here-the big difference in real life being-they can do you a lot more physical and mental damage.

As far as why they get away with it-they hide behind the cloak of "tolerance for thier kinks".

If we collectively had the stones to call these assholes on thier bullshit and cut them OFF-there would be a great deal less of it going on.

I'm not much involved in my "local" community but that's because, for me, it isn't local...it occurs 75-80 miles away. Not far in some ways but at $ 4 / gallon, it is a ways to travel, even 1x a week, let alone 2x a week. So I get there every 3-6 months and have a good time and I do stay in touch with several of the people from that group.

As for the part of your statement that I have made bold, I too agree with that sentiment and agree with Michael that it belongs in another thread. We've all heard it said that no one has the right to "judge" others for their kinks ad nauseaum but is that really true?

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 24

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 11:35:54 AM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MladyHathor
[snip]
There has to be a balance somewhere---many of the subs I see these days are flat assed lonely--they didnt make the first vanilla go round and for whatever reason this is their salvation--and bless their hearts they open the jugular and give it all--to someone who could not care less about them--on the other side I see the fangs---WTF?? ( and this is after all the prelims we preach about)---net is there are no guarantees--but what drives someone to give all and someone under the cover of Dominance to think they can take all?? What have some become?

[Emphasis added.]~~ Really? You are aware of "many" subs for whom WIITWD is their last resort after having failed at vanilla relationships?

It seems to me ideally, to "give it all" would be ultimately attractive and fulfilling to submissives; therefore, I wonder if we should be surprised when submissives do? Certainly we wish for care taken and wisdom exercised, but there will certainly be giving to those who don't deserve and submissives being hurt as long as a leap of faith is part of the deal. And when is it not?

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(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 25

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 4:05:00 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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I'll note that my advice to "get involved with the local group" is actually about #15 on my list of pieces of advice I give to novices, though it's #1 if the question is about finding different people or gaining experience in a particular kink.

It is good advice, but there's a lot of other stuff I think is more important first. Sometimes getting into the local group is the WORST thing to do, depending on the group.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 26

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 4:07:03 PM

johnkenoly

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/10/2008
From: Africa
Status: offline

then if you are free, i too am free to have you more email me now [email protected]

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 27

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 4:13:15 PM

christine1

Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline

oh, i thought that was a joke, pardon me for laughing harder when i saw it wasn't...

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(in reply to johnkenoly)

Post #: 28

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 4:38:16 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
I think we should address why WIITWD seems to rob many people of logic and common sense

Why Katy....don't you know? Haven't you heard? It's "sub frenzy" of course!

Or so they say

................luci

_____________________________

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(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 29

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 6:12:39 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MladyHathor

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

It's loneliness that brings people to ignore red flags, warnings from their guts. I'm soprry for people who are that lonely but this isn't the cure.

Learning to make friends is. And that requires the help of a therapist.

Oh right.. And just because someone happens to be alone, that makes them dysfunctional or retarded does it?

People make mistakes, and like it or not, people are subject to stupidity. No prevention, no therapy, no cure.

But I'll leave it to the rest of you to argue among yourselves who is going to cast the first stone.

Well, I am going to stand tall here, I am lonely, I so want the company of someone finally--but most of the time I simply don't let that over ride My common sense and My sense of protection ( may be its the ex cop, maybe its the Mom, I don't know)--but that does not drive Me to be nutso psycho--have I made mistakes searching? yeah did it cost Me money- a tad--(well yeah one did-and I am a picky bitch)--- did I learn----yeah! Am I still lonely--yeah---is that ever again clouding My judgement--NO. You're right Stella we all make mistakes, is it that some people just don't learn?

Yes there are. There are even people who don't even want to learn. However I just fail to understand how being lonely and making mistakes qualifies you for therapy. Does this mean life is a mental illness?

Yes I am lonely, and yes I have made mistakes. But I have also given people chances, ignored red flags and had meaningful relationships as a result. Though I have given up on a relationship, I'm not short of friends, and be sure I certainly don't need therapy to make them.

I just have an issue with people saying these people are irresponsible just because they suffered some sort of misfortune when meeting someone else. Does this make women who get raped irresponsible?

Being caught out doesn't make you irresponsible, just human. Your responsibility lies in how you respond to your misfortune.

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(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 30

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 6:43:36 PM

Bondagenexus

Posts: 50
Joined: 10/2/2005
Status: offline

I continue to promote getting involved in communities. Here's why.

We are freekin' spoiled here in Columbus! We have a number of excellent communities with amazing events and education. We look out for everyone, and curb even the appearance of lack of safety on the part of any Dom or sub.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 31

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 9:41:31 PM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Also, as long as people like yourself refuse to become involved in your local scene, it will tend to remain as bad as yours seems to be.

I've abandoned my few forays into local scenes, usually because of the highly annoying people... cliquish nature... etcetera... but until reading that, I didn't make the connection that I'm abandoning some of my core principles by doing so. Heartfelt thanks for the reminder.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 32

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 9:49:18 PM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MladyHathor

...what drives someone to give all and someone under the cover of Dominance to think they can take all?? What have some become?

what drives someone to give all can be too numerous to mention; some for good reasons, some for bad, but the drive is there all the same, so i'd go for the 'it's a need' answer. someone using dominance as a 'cover' to think they can take all is nothing more than a manipulative little puke...

and it's not so much as 'what have some become'; but more like, 'what they've always been'.

(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 33

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 9:57:03 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SmokingGun82

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Also, as long as people like yourself refuse to become involved in your local scene, it will tend to remain as bad as yours seems to be.

I've abandoned my few forays into local scenes, usually because of the highly annoying people... cliquish nature... etcetera... but until reading that, I didn't make the connection that I'm abandoning some of my core principles by doing so. Heartfelt thanks for the reminder.

It really is a self fullfiling prophecy. SF is run by and for bottoms, I have long hated it for that reason. However, some people who live there ARE changing it. They are hosting events, creating space for other ways of doing. And, it is working. Is it perfect? Hell no! But I can tell you it is also amazing and wonderful to watch and I look forward to more of it.

(in reply to SmokingGun82)

Post #: 34

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 10:00:27 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bondagenexus

I continue to promote getting involved in communities. Here's why.

We are freekin' spoiled here in Columbus! We have a number of excellent communities with amazing events and education. We look out for everyone, and curb even the appearance of lack of safety on the part of any Dom or sub.

This is an excellent point that I've made in the past, actually for the opposite reason. There are places where folks have lots of options for munches and groups. I don't happen to live in one of them. Basically, if it wasn't for a core group of people who were keeping community kink alive, it wouldn't be here. The benefit of this is that we can't afford the drama or the crap that gets involved in some of the larger communities. I'm not saying we don't have our issues, in fact, sometimes we have the whole subscription, but we have to get above that just to keep going.

_____________________________

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to Bondagenexus)

Post #: 35

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 10:04:08 PM

VMistressV

Posts: 78
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline

Ah yes. Bad things happen when people feel they need to be in a relationship to be a whole and valued person. Some of my friends aren't really that lonely, its just as if it hasn't ocurred to them that you can be single for long periods of time.
But it is a big bad world out there, I can't really blame them for not wanting to go it alone.

_____________________________

You can have the stable partners, Give me a stable of partners.
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(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 36

RE: Take it all..Give it all - 5/27/2008 10:39:46 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MladyHathor
There has to be a balance somewhere---many of the subs I see these days are flat assed lonely--they didnt make the first vanilla go round and for whatever reason this is their salvation-

Ouch!

(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 37

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