Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare?

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Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? - 5/26/2008 6:01:23 PM

JANAAZ1

Posts: 43
Joined: 4/29/2006
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I was just reading a thread in which someone said that a person needs to decide if they are wanting to be a Submissive or in a vanilla partnership and really hit home with me. My " In Consideration Master" ended things with me rather abruptly yesterday. I had been asking him to take me out to dinner, for drinks, for a walk in the park holding hands, anything outside the realm of a session every once in a while. He told me that he was going to take me out to dinner for birthday last night, then, three hours before we were to meet he sent me an email stating that he had come to the decision that he needs a BdSM playmate that is happy to go their seperate ways after each session, with no ties involved. That has saddened me. I am relatively new to this lifestyle, so, I don't know if the person in the other thread was correct, that it is, in fact, rare for a Master and a Sub to have both the vanilla and BdSM lifestyle co -exist in a natural way. I know it has been done. I have read many threads in which Darcy and the Dark talk about their combined lifestyle. My question is simply this, are they just one case in a million, in regards to the success rate of two people combining the two worlds?

Post #: 1

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 6:09:42 PM

HornyToadsMI

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Sorry that things didnt work out for you. Think about it this way - you learned that you need more. So, do you want a husband who Dom's you in the bedroom, or a 24/7 situation, where you are BDSM all day long? After a few days, and the ouch wears off, write down what you really want, and search for someone based on that. :) Good luck!

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(in reply to JANAAZ1)

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RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 6:11:16 PM

outlier

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Joined: 10/22/2005
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JANAAZI,

NO it is not rare. Please read this thread:
Really Living it, 24/7
It is about 24/7 reality. You will see four pages
of posts about combined BDSM, vanilla reality.

All the best with your search,

Outlier
edited to include thread titile

< Message edited by outlier -- 5/26/2008 6:18:02 PM >

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(in reply to JANAAZ1)

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RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 6:14:27 PM

mistoferin

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Joined: 10/27/2004
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No it's not rare. I don't know of any long term M/s or D/s couples whose relationship is based entirely on scening. They go out to dinner, take walks in the park, do laundry, go to the grocery store, the movies, etc. In other words, they share a life....and you can't do that if you never get down off the cross or crawl out of your cage.

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(in reply to JANAAZ1)

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RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 6:14:43 PM

SingleRarity

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No, it's not rare. There are many happy couples on these boards who have both a M/s relationship and also share all the other normal life crap like gas bills, dishes, and long walks on the beach. You can find the same. If I could give you any advice I would tell you to be upfront about what you seek in a relationship right away. If someone isn't interested in the same then move on. Simple really. Best of luck. (My Daddy and I met on b.com.....a little proof for you!)

(in reply to JANAAZ1)

Post #: 5

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 6:17:04 PM

Racquelle

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Joined: 4/21/2008
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I guess it depends on how we see BDSM in our life. I consider it part of who I am as a whole person. It is something I do, and have done to varying degrees since I became sexual. It is not separate from my vanilla life. But there are always people who enjoy having a "fuck buddy" - no matter what it is they do when they get together to fuck - its really no different than what is done in the "mainstream". Perhaps he should have been more forthcoming about that at the onset. As to "vanilla" life, I am me when I am at the grocery store, and in line at the DMV, and at the beach, and when I am singing stupid songs to my cat, and when I have a sqirming little sub whimpering while I threaten another caning. Is BDSM part of who you are? Don't be afraid to write the script and then live the life you desire - just be sure you share a copy of your script with the actors. ;)

(in reply to JANAAZ1)

Post #: 6

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 6:20:11 PM

JANAAZ1

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Joined: 4/29/2006
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I just read the threads you told me to read, Outlier, and it has certainly given me some hope. The idea of gardening together, stuff like that, that is what I eventually want for myself. I'm nowhere ready for a 24/7 lifestyle yet, not with my teenager still living at home with me, but, honeslty, when I first found myself so interested in this lifestyle, I thought that was what the ultimate goal must be for most people involved, well, maybe not 24/7 but at least a long term combined lifestyle. I'm sure, as in any vanilla dating world, there are gonna be people interested in the immediate pleasure, no strings type of thing, but, reading that one post kind of made me stop and wonder if maybe the majority of people in this BdSM world are mainly in it for the variety, if you will....in the no strings kind of thing... it put a smile on my face to read the posts you told me to read.... so, thank you........

(in reply to outlier)

Post #: 7

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 6:22:09 PM

lusciouslips19

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Not rare at all. My Sir and I play in a very physical BDSM way. But we also have vanilla sex. We stay together overnight each week. Cook, go out on dates, shopping , the movies, casinos,walks, and a variety of other normal boyfriend/girlfriend things. But I knew ahead of time that I wanted both in the same man and his profile said that he was a rough gentleman but wanted a vanilla relationship in other respects. This is something that needs to be found out before ever meeting or limits are even discussed. Its vital to find out if you match up in what you want in a relationship.

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RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 6:24:39 PM

DiurnalVampire

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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JANAAZ1
My question is simply this, are they just one case in a million, in regards to the success rate of two people combining the two worlds?

Having a combined lifestyle isnt rare. Nor, on the other hand, are thos ewho wish to keep it seperate. Your would-be master stated what he was looking for. A BDSM playmate, not a relationship and not a partner. Its a matter of what you seek in a relationship, this lifestyle is no different than any other. Even in a more vanilla sense, ther are some people who are looking for casual sex and nothing more, and there are others who would never be happy that way. Now that you know you are looking for a more balanced relationship, you can make sure the dominants you are talking to are looking for the same. Steer clear of those who want scenes and not relationships. Not all Masters want a subbie girlfriend, some just want subs. You will also run into those who keep sub on the side and have vanilla relationships elsewhere. There are a lot of permutations in the lifestyle, none more or less common than th enext. Know what you want, and go for it. Just dont be surprised when not everyone wants what you do.

DV

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VampiresLair

(in reply to JANAAZ1)

Post #: 9

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 6:40:29 PM

JANAAZ1

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Joined: 4/29/2006
Status: offline

I was actually quite vocal about my expectations of the type of relationship I was looking for. He just kept telling me that as the Submissive, it is my role to place his needs first, and, that, by pleasuring him, my needs would be met. I kept feeling somewhat like a square pole that he was desperately wanting to fit into a round hole. Its a shame, because I have felt an awesome connection with this man. And, I have learned alot from him. I'm just glad to hear that combining the two worlds is possible, otherwise, I know in my heart and soul that this lifestyle would never work for me, regardless of who I might end up being with.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 10

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 6:49:27 PM

MasterGangelS

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Joined: 3/8/2008
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I am married to my Sire and our D/s relationship grew at the same time as our vanilla relationship did. They both continue to grow, after over 2 years of marriage now.

24/7 is also a term that can mean different things to different people. Some might say we are 24/7 purely because we live together. On the other hand, I do not submit to him 24/7. There are times when I do as he asks, and there are times when I am his wife, where I play a key role in decision-making, handling our finances, working and so on. He makes the coffee/tea whenever he is at home; does that make him less of a Dom? I think not.

Our needs change as our life does, and we are currently trying to find the degree which makes both of us happy. As it stands, we do plenty of vanilla things together; probably more so than D/s flavoured things. Life is not easy, mundane things get in the way, and I am too spirited to be fulfilled by a lifetime of being chained to a post naked. Some might argue that that makes me less of a good submissive - I am inclined to disagree. Just because I don't wait on my man hand and foot does not make me a bad sub. It purely makes me more of a sexual than a service sub.

Argh, having trouble condensing what I'm trying to say. In a nutshell, my Sire is my husband too, and my best friend. I love and respect him equally whether he's bringing me coffee, whether we're shopping together or whether I'm trembling naked under his cane. So yes, you can combine BDSM and vanilla. IMHO, it's just finding the degree you're most suited to that's the hard part.

~ Angel

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RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 6:52:19 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JANAAZ1

I was actually quite vocal about my expectations of the type of relationship I was looking for. He just kept telling me that as the Submissive, it is my role to place his needs first, and, that, by pleasuring him, my needs would be met. I kept feeling somewhat like a square pole that he was desperately wanting to fit into a round hole. Its a shame, because I have felt an awesome connection with this man. And, I have learned alot from him. I'm just glad to hear that combining the two worlds is possible, otherwise, I know in my heart and soul that this lifestyle would never work for me, regardless of who I might end up being with.

It sounds to me that you both wanted your relationship to work out, in the way that each of you wanted. Unfortunately, they were two different ways. I hate that for you, but keep looking and hoping because people here do have the type of relationship you want - me for one

. I met my Sir on cm, and we haven't looked back since. Good luck and hugs.

(in reply to JANAAZ1)

Post #: 12

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 6:57:16 PM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
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Personally I have always done things together, such as Dinner, Movies, and what not. Geeeesshh... I actually expect a submissive, slave or whoever to be able to go out with in public places and do things with me.

This is part of the reason why I'm not into owning Slave Girls that insist upon living life 24/7 as a prisoner inside my house, basement or otherwise.

Sound more like, the guy you hooked up with, just wants play only and not a relationship outside the scope of that.

Sorry, you had a bad experience.

(in reply to JANAAZ1)

Post #: 13

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 6:58:56 PM

IzzGidget

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Joined: 5/24/2008
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Janzaa1 I hope you are doing well and that the hurt is beginning to ease.

Like all the posts before me, combinations of vanilla and BDSM are very common. In my opinions thats what makes the longest relationships in the community last. As much as some of us may wish for pure 24/7 relationships, life doesn't make it so. By reading what your 'in consideration' master said it sounds like he was looking more for a playmate than a relationship. But please don't be discouraged. One of my dear Dominant friends always says of his wife, "She is a wife first, a mother second, and a submissive third." I think this is an excellent mindset (of course since you are already a mother and not currently a wife it may be best to switch the first two). Don't give up~

(in reply to MasterGangelS)

Post #: 14

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 7:00:03 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5175
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
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Today we worked on Sir's rental trailer. The last tenent left it in less than livable condition.
We installed a new kitchen sink and faucets. I took a razor blade scraper to the grease that was under the stove. Then it was showers and a trip to the cemetaries to leave flowers on the graves. While i washed dishes and made dinner, he returned to the trailer to begin removing the tub, sink, and toilet. Tonight, if we're not too tired, we might think of having some cuddle time.

Just a normal day of whips, chains, and regular floggings.

Yes....it' is possible to have more to a relationship than a scene. Yes, it's possible to work and toil together. Yes, it's possible to enjoy being together and sharing lives. We don't consider it a combining of our vanilla and kinky lives....it's just plain ordinary life.

(in reply to JANAAZ1)

Post #: 15

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 7:02:33 PM

Amberly

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Joined: 5/25/2008
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I think that while it's not often talked about (anyway, I haven't heard it spoken of very often), it's not very rare.

I couldn't be in a "scene only" relationship. But I know a lot of people who have one and are perfctly happy.

(in reply to JANAAZ1)

Post #: 16

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 7:03:26 PM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

My question is simply this, are they just one case in a million, in regards to the success rate of two people combining the two worlds?

I would say most fall closer to some combination of the two than not.

However, secondary relationships I would bet are probably more "all bdsm" than not. I most often go to bdsm events alone or at least with friends and so don't have anyone to play with. I have considered taking on a "boy" and that would be strictly a bdsm relationship, with him in a non sexual service role to me. I would love to find a local woman with whom to have a secondary relationship for the same thing but havent found the right combination that would work for me.

But trust me, MANY of us either have or seek a full relationship with someone with perhaps some flavor of D/s thrown in and bdsm as icing.

(in reply to JANAAZ1)

Post #: 17

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 7:05:13 PM

JANAAZ1

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Joined: 4/29/2006
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My ultimate goal, somewhere down the road, is to be in a 24 / 7 live-in lifestyle, preferrably by marraige, but, regardless. It interests me about what you said, MasterGangleS...about how 2 people can live together 24 / 7 and yet there are times when the wife / husband facet takes the front seat... that makes sense to me. And, thats what I have been trying to learn about, how those two worlds, be it by marriage or simply living together, can be combined. Thank you for your input.......

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 18

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 7:05:18 PM

CalifChick

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Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JANAAZ1
I was actually quite vocal about my expectations of the type of relationship I was looking for. He just kept telling me that as the Submissive, it is my role to place his needs first, and, that, by pleasuring him, my needs would be met.

Well that certainly begs the question... why on earth were you with him? Spend some time identifying what would make you happy (and merely pleasing a man is not the answer), then find one who fits that. If you want romance and he says "just do what I want and you'll be happy", then he is NOT the one for you.

Cali

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(in reply to JANAAZ1)

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RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 7:10:37 PM

LadyPact

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(Using fast reply. Literally after just returning home from the store.)

No, it's not a one in a million thing. Actually, the way I look at it, I'm happy to 'graduate' a sub or a playmate to being able to be more than just a play associate. I like having people in My life where I get to be more than the Domme on My side of the kneel. Life isn't one big scene and the regular things have to get done. I like going shopping with My sub, even if it's just at the grocery store. Or walking downtown and looking at the store fronts. Or, doing the behind the scene work at events.

So, to answer your question, while there might be some out there who prefer the 'go their separate ways' route, I prefer something a bit more well rounded.

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to JANAAZ1)

Post #: 20

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