Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 7:12:09 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You get to have whatever you want.  Next time you'll know to ask these questions and have these experiences together before deciding whether someone should be a serious consideration for you.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 7:13:03 PM   
JANAAZ1


Posts: 43
Joined: 4/29/2006
Status: offline 		Honestly, CalifChick, I spoke as plainly to him as I could possibly speak. He knew from day one what my expectations were. I am a very vocal, descriptive woman. In fairness to him, he never really agreed or disagreed with me about doing things outside of the scenes, he just listened, which, I took to mean he was in agreement on, or, we wouldn't have continued onward and forward... LOL  Yes, I know, I can be rather naive at times....I would like to believe that this decision came to him in the past few days, as he said, but, deep down, I know that's simply not the case. I will definetly be firm in my expectations in the future, I can assure you of that. I'm just heartened at how many people are replying and saying that what I'm looking for really isn't such a rarity......  

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 7:14:48 PM   
MrRodgers


Posts: 10542
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline 		Interesting how on this basis you chose to meet anyway...obviously to scene. So then he turns out to be a player and not looking for a relationship. Interesting how you also describe what you have as being an 'under consideration' master. Seems it was just you doing the considering ?

(in reply to MasterGangelS)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 7:34:07 PM   
JANAAZ1


Posts: 43
Joined: 4/29/2006
Status: offline 		Actually, I thought that " Under Consideration" meant, that, by me being new in this lifestyle, and him being a Master that has been in it for several years, he was " considering " me as his Submissive...Some time into our meetings I began to wonder if a Sub shouldn't have "consideration" in the process as well. I wrote to a Master that is on this , one I have never met, but that I have alot of respect for his opinions, and asked if it did, in fact, mean the Master was the one making the decision, because, in my eyes, realistically, we are both deciding if the other one is what we need in the other... the other Master explained that, yes, it is a mutual decision, in the end.. I know this may sound odd, but, coming from just outside, in the vanilla world, when a Master tells me that " this is the way things work in this lifestyle, 'I  have to work at finding out what really is the norm and what isn't... Regardless, in the end, if A Sub or Slave is collared, it is done so by the Master, right? So, in the very beginning, it did make sense to me...and, then, I started asking alot of questions, some of which were met with the same response, " You are the Submissive, I am the Master." I'm sure that was one of the turning points for him, in regards to me actually becoming his Submissive as opposed to "In Consideration" Submissive...I feel like, in his eyes, I asked way too many questions... but, if I'm not comfortable, thats what I do... I ask questions.....regardless of my concerns, I felt enough of a bond with this man to continue on and see where the journey would lead.....

(in reply to MrRodgers)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 7:59:33 PM   
JANAAZ1


Posts: 43
Joined: 4/29/2006
Status: offline 		I was reading another thread where a Submissive was asking what it means when she tells her Master she wants to be released from being his Submissive and he refuses to release her. Obviously she is new to this lifestyle as well as I am. People told her that she just has to walk away, PERIOD. Now, I read those responses and thought, " Yeah, he has no legal right to keep you with him.". And, yet, being a "newbie", I can certainly understand her confusion... Someone that has been in this lifestyle for a while really does have the advantage over the gullible "newbies" such as her and myself... I feel like I have probably come across sounding like an idiot for starting this thread, because, yes, I have made some dumb decisions on this road to getting into this lifestyle...but, unfortunately, some of us are slower learners than otherss... so, for those of you giving your positive responses, I know I really do appreciate it.....

(in reply to JANAAZ1)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 8:45:24 PM   
outlier


Posts: 1111
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline 		JANAAZI,

You also have no profile or yours is turned off so you cannot be
contacted.  Thus until you started this thread you limited your
exposure to other opinions besides the ones this man was feeding
you for his own purposes. 

I understand that this exposes you to the onslaught that females
suffer here but if you don't post a picture and make it clear that you
are looking to build a LTR (long term relationship) and that you will
not play until you have dated for awhile.  That will cut down on the trolls.
You will still get insults etc., but that is what the delete and block buttons
are for.

Or/And you could search for men who state what they want in their
profiles.  And when it agrees with you contact them.

Outlier


_____________________________

Avatar from xkcd.com

"A happy sex life may take years to achieve, but it’s worth it in the long run.
Worth the time, the thought - or rather, the thoughtfulness - and, often,
the waiting." Pete Seeger

(in reply to JANAAZ1)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 8:48:53 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Wierd question...How can you AVOID it?

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to JANAAZ1)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 8:49:59 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		Janaaz1,
A relationship is knit together like a fine woven garmet when you find the right partner.
Some strands are knit with harsh paddles and floggers, another with the humdrum of dishes and laundry, another with erotic sensuality while another strand might represent the agony of dissention. 
The partner must be the glove to your hand or vice versa...many ways to the yin and yang of things....a journey without destination.

I am sorry for the mis-communication between the dom and you.  Now you are aware of how to communicate your needs, desires and wants a bit better. Better that you find out sooner than later.

(in reply to JANAAZ1)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 8:58:41 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JANAAZ1

I was reading another thread where a Submissive was asking what it means when she tells her Master she wants to be released from being his Submissive and he refuses to release her. Obviously she is new to this lifestyle as well as I am. People told her that she just has to walk away, PERIOD. Now, I read those responses and thought, " Yeah, he has no legal right to keep you with him.". And, yet, being a "newbie", I can certainly understand her confusion... Someone that has been in this lifestyle for a while really does have the advantage over the gullible "newbies" such as her and myself... I feel like I have probably come across sounding like an idiot for starting this thread, because, yes, I have made some dumb decisions on this road to getting into this lifestyle...but, unfortunately, some of us are slower learners than otherss... so, for those of you giving your positive responses, I know I really do appreciate it.....


Nope !!  You are not an idiot.  You have ventured out into the forums and you will find answers to your millions of questions.  Just remember not all posters will respond the way you want them to, how you think they aught to.

....take the chaff with the grain, throw it into the wind and the good grain will fall into your lap.  Think and act with your head, not with your heart or hormones.

I have a hidden profile for reasons known to me at this time...  do with your profile as YOU wish !  Be true to yourself.


(in reply to JANAAZ1)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 9:26:55 PM   
JANAAZ1


Posts: 43
Joined: 4/29/2006
Status: offline 		I do have a profile. I just have it hidden for a while, til I'm ready to get myself up, shake myself off, and then explore again sometime....I agree with you, Leatherist, I assumed both worlds just naturally go hand in hand... until I met a man that didn't want any connection between us in the vanilla world, or very little anyway.I have come to realize that some people do, in fact, keep their two worlds completely separate.And, if that is their choice, there is nothing wrong with that,; it just doesn't work for me. 

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 9:30:26 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JANAAZ1

I do have a profile. I just have it hidden for a while, til I'm ready to get myself up, shake myself off, and then explore again sometime....I agree with you, Leatherist, I assumed both worlds just naturally go hand in hand... until I met a man that didn't want any connection between us in the vanilla world, or very little anyway.I have come to realize that some people do, in fact, keep their two worlds completely separate.And, if that is their choice, there is nothing wrong with that,; it just doesn't work for me. 


That only works if you are self sufficient enough to be cloistered. And that has it's inherent dangers-as well as attractions.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to JANAAZ1)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 9:33:17 PM   
SleepyDom


Posts: 118
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Wierd question...How can you AVOID it?


I was thinking the same thing.  You're not going to "scene" 24/7 unless maybe your master is very wealthy and want you just for BDSM purposes and have you chained up/caged all the time.  How can you avoid all the vanilla activities like doing the dishes or watching tv or going out for dinner etc.?  Any BDSM D/s or M/s relationship is going to involve plenty of "mundane" things.  Though the difference in a D/s or M/s relationship from vanilla is that even mundane things will have D/s current flowing underneath.  For example,  I may have her doing the dishes in ridiculously submissive clothes (perhaps naked) or have a buttplug or some such to constantly remind her of her submission even while doing mundane chores.  So while we're not exactly "scening", she can get pretty excited and get into that submissive mindset even while doing presumably vanilla things.

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 9:40:28 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Its easy to avoid when you arent in ro close to a 24/7 living arrangement. I get the impression from the OP that she was not living with the Master. Not everyone moves to a live in relationship, not quickly for some and not ever for others. Keeping your interests confined to scenes when you come when you want to play and leave when you are done isnt hard at all. I could easily have that sort of detachment with Angel with the schedules we keep. I dont, but it would be very easy to do.
When you actually live together the vanilla and bdsm aspects blend a lot more than when you just get together.


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to SleepyDom)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 9:47:44 PM   
SleepyDom


Posts: 118
Status: offline 		Oh yes I know that.  I was addressing the relationship dynamics, not some casual no-strings-attached fuck/scene buddy, which I took OP to be asking about.  Yes, in both vanilla and BDSM, there will always be those that aren't interested in a relationship but just the sex or the scenes.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 10:08:11 PM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JANAAZ1

I was reading another thread where a Submissive was asking what it means when she tells her Master she wants to be released from being his Submissive and he refuses to release her. Obviously she is new to this lifestyle as well as I am. People told her that she just has to walk away, PERIOD. Now, I read those responses and thought, " Yeah, he has no legal right to keep you with him."

This is my personal opinion on this issue:
 
#1)  If you enter into a relationship with another of your own Free Will then, so long as you aren't being held as a prisoner, you have the right to leave that relationship of your own Free Will, any time you want, for any reason, even just because you have changed your mind about either the person on the type of relationship.  This is true whether you are in a relationship that is 'traditional' or 'alternative'. 
 
People into a D/s type of relationship might call it "being released" and people into more 'traditional' relationships might call it "breaking up" but, it's the same thing.  The relationship isn't working for at least one of the participants and they elect to end it.
 
#2) It's my opinion that it's rare (possibly extremely rare) for a relationship to be solely 'vanilla' or solely 'kink'.  Life is rarely that simple.  It's not usually an all or nothing situation.
 
#3) Not everyone is interested in having a committed relationship, either at a particular time or, ever or, with a particular person or, with anyone.  Playing together and, then going separate ways afterward, might be all that they're looking for.  If that's not what you're interested in then it's probably for the best that you found this out and can continue looking for what you really do want.
 
joy
Owned servant of Master David

(in reply to JANAAZ1)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/26/2008 11:48:10 PM   
GoddessTeaze


Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline
It truly amazes Me,
how people can wonder if there can be a mix of Bdsm & Vanilla.
We live in a Vanilla world, so how on earth
do you expect to cut out all the vanillastuff in your life?

People who says they do live in a fantasy is My believe.

We all need to work, and shop for grosseries and go to the toilet etc etc...
'please show Me how to shit in Bdsm style'
*EG*
Which is pretty vanilla stuff.

So what are you on about??



GoddezzT`

[Mod Note:  font reduced]





< Message edited by ModeratorEleven -- 5/27/2008 6:59:08 AM >

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to JANAAZ1)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/27/2008 12:40:17 AM   
msdrazy


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		In response to GoddessTeaze - yup, pretty much.
(I haven't read the rest of the thread but liked the way you have written your reply).
- msdrazy

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/27/2008 1:42:30 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		Okay.  In the "vanilla" world, do you announce to the guy who asked you out that you are looking for a husband and that if all goes well you expect him to marry you?  *shrug*  You could, but it would probably be a fast-track to never hearing from him again.....

The guy in your bowling league, softball league, or whatever you're into... you ask him if he'd like to get coffee after the game.  He doesn't.  Just means he's not that into you but still can be a fabulous teammate.

BDSM isn't some mystical magical place that involves Superhero comic-book characters.  It involves people, warts 'n all.  And it's also a journey.  i never regret my journey as all aspects of it led to my Master.  But the journey doesn't stop here, just now i have a travel companion.  What makes Him my travel companion is that we know we are going in the same direction along the same route.  We are more interested in the journey together than any pre-determined destination.  In the end, we all arrive at the same place and frankly i'm in no hurry to get there.

Your comment about the square peg and round hole.... he was probably thinking the same about you.  Neither of you were right or wrong, just not right for each other.  It happens.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to JANAAZ1)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/27/2008 3:48:14 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Find out first next time by talking about things other than sex and/or play before you meet. We talked about everything beforehand, our lives, our ums, how to fix stuff. I mean everything. If he had only wanted sex/play with no friendship then I wouldn't have bothered meeting him.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really s... - 5/27/2008 5:25:44 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		i wish i could have day long sessions with Daddy however someone has to get the girls off to school, get prescription meds and medical forms to get homebound school tutoring for one, cook, clean, upload concert photos and band reviews, laundry etc. and likewise Daddy has patients to help, bills to pay and everything else He has to do in His daily life. it's not rare but reality 

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to JANAAZ1)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125