RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare?

RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (Full Version)

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pettingdragons -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/27/2008 7:00:26 AM)
it took this girl years to find the "right" one. We have been friends for years before coming together as a couple. We are 24/7, TPE and though girl has been other things in the past (polly, switch, bisexual) that was a learning experience. Getting out there (or oline at least) and learning about things, doing them. This girls advice, learn about you...what you like, dont like, would like to try and learn about your limits. There are some hard limits that have just flown by the way side with girls paitent Master. As we grow and learning we all change..its the way of life...flow with it.... [sm=2cents.gif] pettingdragons Master Dragons considered slave

SubBlueEyeBBW -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/27/2008 7:03:54 AM)
i've not been around that long but can tell you this is an ongoing learning process. When i first started a few months ago, i was Siring right and left every other word because of someone's definition of protocol. i started to feel like Lurch or Igor and not myself. i then realized that people are people and i had to find the ones that i could be me with. i can still be respectful without throwing Sir out every other word and i don't have to Sir every Dom on CM. Keep searching until you find one or ones you click with and feel comfortable with and yes make sure your needs are met. i am talking to a wonderful Dom right now and have been for the last month or so. W/we are going very slow as He knows my situation and is willing to wait for me to work it out. W/we both want LTR and a lifetime committment but want to go slow, build a relationship and trust and see where it goes. If W/we end up together great, if it dosent work, W/we both keep looking til W/we find the right one for us. i would say being new especially don't rush it and use common sense.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/27/2008 7:29:52 AM)
quote: ...I have read many threads in which Darcy and the Dark talk about their combined lifestyle... you might have missed her point. she doesn't talk about a "combined" lifestyle. not to speak for her, but this slave has noticed that .the dark. has made several posts where she explains that, for her, there is no such thing as "vanilla". for this slave, a "vanilla" relationship describes a "traditional" one. one which is accepted and acknowledged by our collective society. for example: boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. this slave would consider a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship to be an "alternative" one, or "non-vanilla", in reference to the dynamics of the relationship being different than the traditionally accepted versions. the boyfriend/girlfriend, the husband/wife, the Master/slave and the Dom/sub all engage in similar activities such as driving a car, shopping for food or taking a walk. how those activities are planned or executed are up to the couples involved. for this slave, "vanilla", or "non-vanilla" aren't terms she uses to describe daily activities...they are terms used to describe the contrast between different versions of relationship dynamics, sexual proclivities, music, financial instruments, information technology, etc., with value judgement reserved only for how that relates to self, not others or their choices.

RavenMuse -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/27/2008 7:56:20 AM)
grrr.. wrong account..

metalmiss -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/27/2008 7:57:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HornyToadsMI Sorry that things didnt work out for you. Think about it this way - you learned that you need more. So, do you want a husband who Dom's you in the bedroom, or a 24/7 situation, where you are BDSM all day long? After a few days, and the ouch wears off, write down what you really want, and search for someone based on that. :) Good luck! i am in complete agreement with this advice, what happened was positive for you at the end of the day because, though it sure does hurt alot at the time, you learned something from it about yourself. You now know that you need more than a scene here and there, so hopefully you will intigrate that into your search in the future smiles In response to the other questions in your post, as i'm sure everybody has said by now, no it isn't rare. Personally, i tend not to view my life in two parts.. (BDSM & Vanilla) Nor do i see myself as a person in that way, i am just me, who i am is made up of many different facets and quirks, sides of me which are drawn out when it suits often more than one at a time. Where BDSM is concerned, play, though i love it so, isn't a big deal for me because i draw alot of fulfillment from the intensity of my everyday relationship with my Master. Vanilla is also, in my opinion a matter of perspective.. For other people, many of the things He and i do together might be construed as "vanilla" when in fact no matter what we are doing or where we are, the dynamic is always there running just below the surface, as its not something either of us can ever just turn off. i hope your continued search brings back to you exactly the Master you are seeking. If you manage to find somebody compatible you will know i think because when it works, it works extremely well. And if in the future you do find incompatibility and have problems seeking the one for you, then my advice would be, when the pain starts to dull and you begin to feel disheartened as you move on.. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that its not unusual to kiss a few toads before you find a prince winks

Deliena -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/27/2008 1:09:31 PM)
Well my Master and I have been together 4 months, when we first started seeing each other we hadn't talked about BDSM, it came up naturally as both of us learned what turned the other on. We are naturally a D/s couple (just because of our given natures and how we have always been together), but we do more "vanilla" stuff than "lifestyle" stuff I would venture. We go to the cinema, hang out and watch TV together, go to the pub, take my daughter shopping - life stuff. I thought that the point made above about usage of the term vanilla for everyday things was a good point, much of the D/s dynamic is a headspace thing so really it's not the activity is the feeling of the person performing the activity. When I am with Him i feel submissive, whether we're in bed or not. Whilst this has tended to surprise people (as I'm an arrogant, opininated bugger as well) they also comment that they've never seen me happier. I happily reliquinsh control, it makes me feel happy, safe and valued. Whether I'm making tea for everyone or whether he's got me tied up and beating me the thing I value is that feeling.

LivLifeByMyRules -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/27/2008 3:11:12 PM)
One of the most beautiful things about a relationship in this "lifestyle" is that you can define exactly how you want it to be. One of the biggest challenges... is that there are about as many definitions of words used within the community, as there are people using the terms. Remember as others have said, this is a journey. It's an evolution, or as I have heard others term it, an "emergence". As we emerge, we will make mistakes. But in reality, the only way we learn to walk is by falling down. As we make our mistakes, we learn to define who we are, what are needs are, and how to more effectively communicate those needs, and our "definitions" to others. It's a process, and it will not happen overnight. There will be bumps, and bruises. I suggest you continue to build friendships here that will help you along the way. find what "fits" for you.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/27/2008 4:45:11 PM)
Myself, I do not have a BDSM lifestyle. I do not have a vanilla lifestyle. I do not even have a chocolate lifestyle. I have a life. In that life I have a slave. I also have a business, friends, two extraordinary young gentlemen I am proud to call my boys, as well as bills, taxes, and neighbors who have yet to find the volume control on their stereo.

CelticPrince -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/27/2008 5:36:39 PM)
quote: I was just reading a thread in which someone said that a person needs to decide if they are wanting to be a Submissive or in a vanilla partnership and really hit home with me. My " In Consideration Master" ended things with me rather abruptly yesterday. I had been asking him to take me out to dinner, for drinks, for a walk in the park holding hands, anything outside the realm of a session every once in a while. He told me that he was going to take me out to dinner for birthday last night, then, three hours before we were to meet he sent me an email stating that he had come to the decision that he needs a BdSM playmate that is happy to go their seperate ways after each session, with no ties involved. That has saddened me. I am relatively new to this lifestyle, so, I don't know if the person in the other thread was correct, that it is, in fact, rare for a Master and a Sub to have both the vanilla and BdSM lifestyle co -exist in a natural way. I know it has been done. I have read many threads in which Darcy and the Dark talk about their combined lifestyle. My question is simply this, are they just one case in a million, in regards to the success rate of two people combining the two worlds? Janazz, We all live both lifestyle all the time. Grins the vanilla world is just too big to overlay our way onto it. CP

daddysliloneds -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/27/2008 9:57:18 PM)
you were 'under consideration' as you put it, with someone that didn't have the same ideals in mind as you, nothing more, nothing less... and yes, there are us couples that know how to enjoy each others company doing all kinds of stuff that actually reflects some sort of compatability outside of the bedroom and play! you just didn't meet one of them!

VMistressV -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/27/2008 10:26:12 PM)
Its not rare at all. You just need to be specific about wanting to be spanked, then go out to dinner. Because that just isnt what some people are looking for, and I think that's completely valid. You want what you want. I do agree that it's pretty crappy to end it with you so immaturely.

RCdc -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/28/2008 4:08:49 AM)
Well seeing as we are mentioned.[;)] beth pretty much has it nailed, Jan. That I, nor Darcy, believe in vanilla existing as a seperate entity which we combine. We don't differentiate relationships based on 'lifestyle' but on an individual basis. Our relationship is one that just 'is' and that includes authority transfere, intimacy, use, servitude, gardening, discipline, family life, Rockband with a housefull of teenagers, dinner with parents, wearing collars in public, holding hands etc... For example, I am submissive to Darcy, I am a daughter, I am a mother to two teens, I am an artist and I am a friend. I do not combine as such, all these or even seperate them, they are naturally what I am all the time and they co-exist. I cannot stop being them or switch them off. It isn't as rare as it may look at times and there are many people in BDSM circles and online here who have what you indicate you desire. Unfortunately the negative often out shines the postive because it casts a bigger shadow and so clouds the peaks. But perservere on the climb and once you get to the top of the peak, the view rocks! the.dark.

pettingdragons -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/28/2008 5:57:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: celticlord2112 I do not even have a chocolate lifestyle. I have a life. there are some really great chocolate store but where can you buy a life? giggles pettingdragons Master Dragons considered slave* May the life force of the squirrels protect your nuts in times of distress....

HalloweenWhite -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/28/2008 6:14:59 AM)
First of all, I'm sorry this happened to you, being dumped like that is just not on, BDSM or not and the person who did it isn't much of a Dom. As far as your question is concerned, I'm willing to bet that a vast amout of people have to strike a balance between D/s and vanilla because W/we all have to pat the rent andso may have a job that doesn't involve D/s at all so W/we have to wear O/our vanilla masks. I do know of people who work in the BDSM world, be it clothing, accessories, toys, or in teaching or running events on one aspect of the lifestyle, but even then, I'm sure there must be times when what they're doing involves vanilla in some way. And then there's the rest of U/us who can't live 24/7 D/s because W/w don't have someone to live it with.

Sirgarethandtoi -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/28/2008 12:58:59 PM)
24/7 is really a fable in the strictest terms. Unless you are childless, jobless, without any family, and probably making a living in the bdsm world you have vanilla times naturally. Just recently I had my mother and two sisters here for a week. Even though it is impossible to hide the foundation to our relationship as a Male Dom female submissive I found myself holding doors for her and other such things while we were with them. My slave is a highly visable executive in a very large company and we are required to attend many business functions together. She is definately not led into these on a leash, but I suppose if anyone really paid attention they would see her deference to me. Life is complicated and varied but the very rock that our relationship is built upon never changes even though the window dressing may. We all do what is necessary.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/28/2008 1:05:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pettingdragons quote: ORIGINAL: celticlord2112 I do not even have a chocolate lifestyle. I have a life. there are some really great chocolate store but where can you buy a life? giggles Don't hold back, girl....what stores, and where? Keeping all the chocolate to yourself....that would be just downright mean!

ProtagonistLily -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/28/2008 5:32:12 PM)
First of all, I'd like to thank outlier for posting the thread I started the other day, about 24/7 relationships. I'm delighted to see that thread got some good air play and was happy to read through it. As the submissive partner in a 24/7 BDSM relationship, it's inevidable that much of our lives passes for vanilla so to speak. We have family, jobs, neighbors and lives that require us to blend. We have obligations that require that we look like everyone else. But, we aren't vanilla, we just play them on TV ~grin~. I wear his collar faithfully every day. I give myself over to him and his service every day. And some days, for what ever reason, that's the extent of our BDSM relationship. Want that I might, we often don't have the energy for a scene every day. I feel pretty blessed that I can exist without persecution and practice BDSM without raising an eyebrow. I get to keep my job, and my corsets. What more could a girl want?

pettingdragons -> RE: Is combining the BdSM / Vanilla lifestyles really so rare? (5/29/2008 5:27:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: celticlord2112 quote: ORIGINAL: pettingdragons there are some really great chocolate store but where can you buy a life? giggles Don't hold back, girl....what stores, and where? Keeping all the chocolate to yourself....that would be just downright mean! oh girl has a very mean streak...comes from being a switch for too long....before Master caught girl and enslaved her...giggles...[:o] Lets see..there is the Godiva store in the Mall..there is the Minties store on the strip on Ocala, there are Many online stores ....all ship the chocolate to you on ice....so you get a double treat!!![:D] Now off to search for a LIFE store....[8\|] pettingdragons Master Dragons considered slave

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