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Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 2:04:05 PM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		A little background. I am poly and bisexual, my boy is monogamous and strictly hetero. When we were first in contact this was known about one another and we had no inclination then to pursue a relationship. That changed. Our friendship blossomed and we decided to pursue a relationship. We decided that our relationship would be strictly monogamous and it is a decision I will honour as I value the bond we have created between us.

We have just celebrated two years together and decided to have a chat about the structure of our relationship, and any changes we might like to make. I know my boy gets off on being made to do things he doesn't enjoy and is into humiliation play. We have a tier structure implemented with regard to punishment and one suggestion my boy has made is that should he reach the 'punishment milestone', the ultimate punishment for him should be to make him watch me use another male sub. This shocked me, we have discussed it at length and I have made it absolutely clear that this would not occur. While he has suggested it, I also know him very well to know that it would crucify him to see me with another male submissive, and to be honest, I could not feel myself attracted to another person now in any case as he fulfils all my desires. I certainly would not use another person as a form of 'punishment' for my submissive.

So, a little insight is required to help me see what is going on here and would be appreciated. As mentioned, we have talked at length about our relationship and he has reassured me that 'all is well' and he's never been happier, more settled, and looks forward to our two years turning to twenty.

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 2:25:02 PM   
RedMagic1


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Status: offline 		A woman asked me to "rape" her.  Crying from the pain, anal with little or no lube.  More.  I said maybe, but no way was I doing that the first time because I didn't know how well she understood her own limits.  She said I was being too nice and she wanted a brutal dom.  I said I guess we're not meeting.

You have to Hard Limit anything that would damage, even if the sub does not.


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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 3:16:42 PM   
Justme696


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From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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if it feels bad to you to use an other male...don't do it.

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 3:19:30 PM   
MissMorrigan


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Status: offline 		Justme, I've already stated that it will not occur. I am interested in the psychology behind the desire for a monogamous submissive to suggest that their dominant use another submissive as a form of punishment.

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 3:21:36 PM   
MissMorrigan


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Status: offline 		I agree entirely, which is exactly what I have done. I am interested in understanding why a person would request such, surely they would know it would create resentment on their part and in by doing so, set the relationship on a very slippery spiral downwards?
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
You have to Hard Limit anything that would damage, even if the sub does not.


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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 3:22:50 PM   
Justme696


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From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMorrigan

Justme, I've already stated that it will not occur. I am interested in the psychology behind the desire for a monogamous submissive to suggest that their dominant use another submissive as a form of punishment.


because it is punishment?  soemtimes the answer can be simple
What did he answer?

< Message edited by Justme696 -- 5/17/2008 3:23:12 PM >

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 3:23:29 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Status: offline 		I don't see what anything is going on.  He gave you an idea, it won't work for you, so you don't do it.

I'm confused why punishment has "milestones" or why you want to induce punishment or how this particular punishment would relate to any behavioral problems you guys have, but that's your deal.

Obviously it would be a very painful humiliating experience for him- so in some ways ideal for the reaction you want when you induce a punishment.  Just seems a bit extreme and unnecessary.

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 3:29:52 PM   
MissMorrigan


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Status: offline 		You're likely right, Justme. I'm likely over-analysing this and his answer was simple enough, "b/c it would be the thing I would least like to ever happen."

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 3:38:29 PM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
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Status: offline 		We have devised a punishment structure for repeated behaviours and have introduced a 'tiered' system for implementing this, although it's nothing I want to give examples of as it is very personal to us both. We were having a chat about this structure and ways in which we could improve it, if it could be improved upon, and my submissive made the suggestion this thread is about. As I said to Justme, I'm likely over-analysing this and doubt a great deal of thought was given to the suggestion, or the implications introducing this as a form of punishment could have on the relationship. I can vaguely see the attraction from a humiliatory aspect.

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 3:41:27 PM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
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From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		Well it is not over analyzing I think. It shows you are serious about it. Trying to understand what you own.
I do that a lott.....well not as much any more. Humans can't be understood 100%   lol  so often I ask my slave and accept her anwer

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 4:24:49 PM   
beargonewild


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Status: offline 		MissMorrigan, I'm wondering if your boy is wondering if this is a limit he may want to test and possibly expand? Even though he wanted and agrred to a monogamous relationship, it could be that he got this idea and brought it to your attention without fully understanding the implications and possible repercussions to him and to yourself.

Speaking as a male, it's safe to say that quite often we will get this concept or fantasy which we may thnk is a great idea to bring into relity. More often than not, we haven't fully thought it out and haven't looked at the potential effects bringing it into reality may have on us, our partner or our relationship. I'm tending to think this may be a case where this is a random thought that for some reason wanted/needed to be expressed without being thought out.


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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 4:32:50 PM   
MissMorrigan


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Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Hello Beargonewild, it's interesting that you mention that. Quite often we sow the seeds of things that intrigue us by just mentioning them. I know he 'gets off' on being made to do things he doesn't enjoy, so particularly enjoys humiliation play, and I cannot help but wonder if he may be secretly aroused by the idea of seeing me with another submissive but hasn't thought beyond that to the potential consequences of having it realised. Thank you for your post, Bear.

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A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 4:39:59 PM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with RedMagic.  Two hundred percent.  Truly damaging emotional or physical experiences can sometimes find their way into a person's masochistic fantasies, and you may even talk about them or enjoy them as fantasies or simulations somehow.  But you have to draw the line at actually doing real harm, emotional or physical--even if your submissive thinks he wants to be genuinely harmed.

If that makes you "too nice", so be it.

In this case, I wonder if your submissive might be going through some sort of fear-of-loss or anxiety related to the relationship.  Things are good--perhaps too good.  He may be so happy that he is uncomfortable with his happiness--he has something to lose, something very important, and it causes him a certain amount of anxiety when he realizes how badly it would hurt to lose the good thing he has.

In situations like that, the person suffering from the anxiety sometimes is driven to seek relief by manuvering to make their worst fears happen, or somehow cause the relationship-destroying event to occur.  That way, they are exerting some kind of control--even if it is control of the most negative kind.

I wouldn't fall for it.  You don't need or want to cause that kind of pain, and it sets off your alarm bells.  Something is wrong.  Best find out what it is!

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 4:47:00 PM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Shaktisama, it's not something I would even consider, but I am interested in the psychology involved in the request as I want to understand him better. You've provided some food for thought, thank you and I shall discuss this further with him.

Edited to add that it's late here in the UK and we're off to bed. I'll check for replies in the morning. Have a good night all.

< Message edited by MissMorrigan -- 5/17/2008 4:48:13 PM >

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A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 4:55:00 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
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Status: offline 		Do you have a continengence plan about how to reassure him or even save/salvage the relationship if he's not "well" AFTER the fact?

Master Fire


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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 5:04:07 PM   
Aiden


Posts: 39
Joined: 5/6/2008
Status: offline 		You did ask him to tell you what the worst thing would be.  Not knowing him its hard to guess where he was coming from by saying that.  A few off the cuff thoughts for what they're worth are that seeing you with another man might well have been the first thing that sprang into his mind on that question, that there may have been a bit of desire to say something he thought you'd like to hear, that as Bear said in the previous post, it may have been an unconscious signal that this was an area he was drawn to explore, and maybe most significantly, you mentioned he likes humiliation.  Being forced to watch you with another man might be the ultimate combination of horror and titillation for an emotional masochist.  

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 5:43:44 PM   
meticulousgirl


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Status: offline 		i think your subby is being brutally honest no more, no less.

now like you i wouldn't do it either, the emotional aftermath is really unknown.

If anything right now you should reward his complete honesty and value it........i dont think i've ever stated what my ultimate would be other than the obvious (release).

~meticulous~

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 6:07:31 PM   
SimplyMichael


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Status: offline 		I realize you said this isn't something you would ever do.

Perhaps he wants to be "forced" to watch because it is hot for him on some level.  BAD thing in a punishment!  If it is an unconscious desire then he is going to keep up the behavior that pushes him toward that "goal" of being forced to watch.

Also, some things are hot fantasies but don't work in real life.  There are some classic taboo/TOS violations that I have an interest in but I am pretty sure the reality would not work for me.  Some people don't get that, they don't yet understand that what is hot in fantasy may not work in reality.

Lastly, things like seeing your partner with another can quite easily trigger deep feeling that can destroy a relationship.  I can't imagine going near something so hard on a relationship in a punishment setting. 

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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 6:16:50 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Brilliant.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
You have to Hard Limit anything that would damage, even if the sub does not.


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RE: Mono Relationship - Using Another As Punishment - 5/17/2008 7:54:46 PM   
kiwisub12


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Status: offline 		I do understand why he might have mentioned it - there are several fantasys that i find particularly hot - such as being in a situation with several people and no choice - that realistically , i know wouldn't do a thing for me in reality. Just because he said it, may mean that he has fantasied about it, but in reality , would rip him up.  Fun to think about, hell to experience in reality.

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