How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (Full Version)

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dominancedefined -> How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 12:20:08 PM)

I have a friend who is not involved in the lifestyle and I'd like her to understand the D/s relationship without bulldozing her with it. I'm sure many of you have gone through this before...

Looking for some articles online I think, a few links, where the ideas are presented for those with only a vanilla past. I would appreciate any reference, including books, or chapters within books, although I think, in this instance, handing someone a book with any sort of BDSM ref in the title might be too much of a shock...

Any ideas? or experiences? positive? or even negative....any information would be appreciated



softness -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 12:29:07 PM)

personally ... if handing them something like Screw the Roses is going to be too threatening because of a scary title... they aren't ready to hear about things

but .. if you are determined ... try just talking .. natter away .. drop some hints .. if those hints are picked up on .. go with it .. if not .. leave it alone



dominancedefined -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 12:34:51 PM)

My thoughts exactly...SM101...even The Loving Dominant are titles that would shock many when presented even with some careful forewarning....



softness -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 12:38:14 PM)

personally .. if they are that easily shocked ... its going to get kinda boring having to break out the smelling salts every five minutes

dont you think?




chickpea -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 12:46:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dominancedefined

I have a friend who is not involved in the lifestyle and I'd like her to understand the D/s relationship without bulldozing her with it. I'm sure many of you have gone through this before...

Looking for some articles online I think, a few links, where the ideas are presented for those with only a vanilla past. I would appreciate any reference, including books, or chapters within books, although I think, in this instance, handing someone a book with any sort of BDSM ref in the title might be too much of a shock...

Any ideas? or experiences? positive? or even negative....any information would be appreciated


I think like when someone remotely kinky happens on T.V. or elsewhere and you laugh at it and treat it like fun.  Like when that doctor husband was hiring a Mistress on the first season of Desperate Housewives, and kind of start talking about how that could be an interesting lifestyle.  You know, try to spin BDSM in a positive light. Just to ease the blow.  Then wham!  Bring it up.  [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m11.gif[/image]  



dominancedefined -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 12:56:13 PM)

softness.....the woman I mentioned is not quite as pristine as the picture I may have painted...I am just looking for helpful hints from those who have encountered this situation before :)



beargonewild -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 1:08:30 PM)

Usually i'' I make a back handed comment about some aspect of BDSM to a non BDSMer, it's common to get two reations, one of shock and disgust or a nervous interest. I'll judge their reaction and wait to see if they are curious enough to ask a few questions to satisfy their curiosity. For many, they are quite hesitant to ask as they are unsure if I was being sincere or kidding. I'll let them ponder my comments and allow their curiosity grow until they overcome the nervousness and want to ask me more. The ones who are totally turned of will label me as wierd and perverted, it's the others who are are sincere enough to honestly want to know and learn more. 



Justme696 -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 1:12:06 PM)

at OP

does she want to hear it?



bipolarber -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 1:41:38 PM)

Seems to me there's a sort of a "When Someone You Know is Kinky" type book out... (I've never had to buy a copy myself, since most of my friends already know... so I can't give you a review.)

Also, you could just cuddle up on the couch with her and watch a copy of "Secretary." That should start the conversation rolling! LOL




SubBlueEyeBBW -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 1:51:35 PM)

i just had an experience about 10 minutes ago that knocked me for a loop. i have an online what i thought was nilla friend that i have been IMing for about 6 or 7 months now i guess. He sent me an email this morning with the words collar, leash, lead, and slave in them. my mouth dropped and i got shivers lol. i saw him online and asked what the email was about as we have never ever touched on BDSM other than my wanting to be tied up and blindfolded etc., and he told me he was conversing with a woman into it and it brought up some interesting feelings and he wanted to see how i reacted. So we started talking and i gave him the CM website and some links i have picked up but now he wants more info. i have loads of submissive stuff but nothing on Doms or M/s and have no idea how to point him in the right direction other than here.



calice -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 1:54:26 PM)

there are some really great books on the subject one of them being SM 101 by Jay Weisman. I know there are several others and hopefully someone will pipe in and fill in where my memory is drawing a blank. lol



dominancedefined -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 2:05:19 PM)

yes, I think Secretary can be a good ice-breaker. Before I found CM I always found it comforting (on vanilla date sites) when a woman would list it among her movie faves :)



SleepyDom -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 3:23:39 PM)

You tie and gag her and apply delicious tortures as you patiently explain what D/s is all about ... Oh!  You wanted a slow and consensual introduction!  Never mind.



StormsSlave -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 5:09:52 PM)

My answer to anything is to hand people a book, then point them at the internet.  Better yet, read them the book with your head in their lap, or cruise the internet with them and show them here. 

If she's a grown up in America she is not going to be THAT horribly shocked.  She has seen a television, right? 



ViceVersa -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 7:36:47 PM)

This pops up pretty frequently. I thought the letters in When Someone You Love Is Kinky were particularly helpful for me and I'm trying to start a website that can serve the same purpose: Coming Out Letters. There's only one letter so far, but if you'd like to work out your thoughts, the site's there for you.

Here's how I personally handled it with one woman (already posted in two other threads):

Oddly enough though, the woman I've been dating over the last year or so was pretty much vanilla when we met. However, after our third date I figured she might be developing a complex because I hadn't come on to her in any way, so I decided to come out to her instead. I explained:

- that I was kinky,
- the type of kink I liked,
- the fact that I considered it to be my sexual orientation
- and that I wasn't into "converting" people but I'd be happy to answer any questions she had

She had many. I gave her some books (When Someone You Love Is Kinky, Different Loving, S&M 101), took her to munches, took her to play parties, etc. and it was maybe three months before we ever played or were sexual at all. She could have walked away at any point and that would have been fine with me. The time wouldn't have been wasted. In the end, she's been pretty enthusiastic about it and has a talent for rope. :-)

The "third date" thing seemed to work pretty well because we'd been out enough to know that we enjoyed each other's company and yet we hadn't invested so much that we couldn't just walk away.

Good luck!

Vice



Padriag -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/17/2008 7:40:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dominancedefined

Any ideas? or experiences? positive? or even negative....any information would be appreciated

Nope... I usually just toss'em in the deep end of the pool and wait for them to sink or swim... or sue... hate it when that happens... [8D]

Seriously, if you want to slowly introduce someone to anything... then do exactly that... go slow.  Start with some simple things that are not threatening and build on that.  For example, some might respond to being blindfolded but not tied up... later tied with silk scarves... then some rope... leather restraints... throw in a little spanking somewhere along the line...



chamberqueen -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/18/2008 9:52:13 AM)

It depends on how much they want to learn.  When I decided that the lifestyle was right for me I didn't want to "stay in the closet" to my grown daughter.  I told her what I was involved in and focused on the psychological parts that I liked - something that she and I have in common.  We talked about the increased communication and trust, the idea of taking on a role both to fulfill yourself and another, and how the two work together to choose what they want physically - unlike what happens in many married couples where one tends to take a more submissive role and may be afraid to ever say what they really want from either the sex or the relationship as a whole.

You don't say how far along your friend is.  Is it still just friendly conversation time?



RealSub58 -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/18/2008 11:26:02 AM)

You want this not so pristine woman
to understand a D/s relationship;
but you don’t want to bull doze her,
shock her or drive her screaming away.

First off, your profile, if accurately stated,
will be a foundation on  which to draw
~ IF ~ this said woman is submissive my nature.
She wont need a book,
she will need your patient and subtle nature.
Your dominance will be the example
she will wish to follow.
Introducing sexual dominance may
or may not be what she is made of.
But if submissive by nature,
she will bend like a willow tree in your winds.

My experience, although not founded
upon BDSM techniques, took only
The dominance of voice,
the feel under his hands,
the look in his eyes….
It took no ropes or cuffs to keep my hands
placed where he demanded them…

If she is sexually aggressive, ask yourself why? 
Maybe this has been the only way
she ever had her needs met…
be more aggressive,
subduing her patiently and subtly,
not like a brut or  master of your own desires….

Dominance can be sensually exciting
A throbbing gut need for a woman
Touch her mind and get her interest,,,,
That is where it all starts,
Not between the legs.



dominancedefined -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/18/2008 12:46:32 PM)

viceversa, realsub58, chamberqueen - your ideas are quite helpful with regards to this particular female. My thought is that it is at this point still  'friendly conversation time' but with a purpose of relating this lifestyle to her specifically, as opposed to someone solely on the outside looking in....

headed for the Coming Out Letters link right now....thank you all who have posted so far and I appreciate continued ideas, experiences and thoughts.....



mzbehavin -> RE: How to introduce someone...slowly.....??? (5/18/2008 1:15:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

You want this not so pristine woman
to understand a D/s relationship;
but you don’t want to bull doze her,
shock her or drive her screaming away.

First off, your profile, if accurately stated,
will be a foundation on  which to draw
~ IF ~ this said woman is submissive my nature.
She wont need a book,
she will need your patient and subtle nature.
Your dominance will be the example
she will wish to follow.
Introducing sexual dominance may
or may not be what she is made of.
But if submissive by nature,
she will bend like a willow tree in your winds.

My experience, although not founded
upon BDSM techniques, took only
The dominance of voice,
the feel under his hands,
the look in his eyes….
It took no ropes or cuffs to keep my hands
placed where he demanded them…

If she is sexually aggressive, ask yourself why? 
Maybe this has been the only way
she ever had her needs met…
be more aggressive,
subduing her patiently and subtly,
not like a brut or  master of your own desires….

Dominance can be sensually exciting
A throbbing gut need for a woman
Touch her mind and get her interest,,,,
That is where it all starts,
Not between the legs.



So agreed Realsub. Does there have to be a big conversation about it right away? Maybe just letting her have small tastes will be enough to spark her own cravings. If she responds with openness, enthusiasm, and a thirst to learn. Then you can have the big talk later.
Smiles* Bypass the 'OMG he's a freak' scenario all together.
I admire you wanting to be up front. My intuition says she will surprise you. It doesn't have to be an issue, unless you need that for your own peace of mind.
I can tell who's D/s fairly quickly. As an innate nature, not a lifestyle.
Imagine you will too.
Happy journeys~ xox



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