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Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 6:35:14 PM   
SirsNe


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline 		Hi all..
 
I am going soon to visit my best friend in the entire world.  I haven't seen him since i discovered this part of myself (just due to geological situations) and i feel as though i am so changed of late that he will be asking why.
 
I guess i just want to know if anyone else has 'outted' themsleves to family or friends and if so how they did it? and what were the results etc.
 
Even though he is a gay man who recently came out i can't help but feel he might judge a little based on social stereotypes anyways (which makes no sense does it?).
 
Whats the best way to do this do you think? 
 (sorry i am not making the best sense i'm just tangled up about this all.)
 
Ne
 
 
 
 

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watching and waiting
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as she seeks the way
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RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 6:40:15 PM   
OldBastardly1


Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		I have used this...." have you ever smacked a girl's ass while you are fucking her? Well, I did that too and liked...in fact I liked it so much................"

Since this guy is gay, maybe you could change genders in the question.

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(in reply to SirsNe)
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RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 6:42:07 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I don't care who knows.  But... there really are things more important than sex, and when I talk to people I prioritize nonsexual things.

People are less interested in your sex life than you might think.  The change is a big deal to *you* -- but that does not mean it's a big deal to everyone else in the world.  I answer questions honestly and directly when my vanilla friends ask, and that's part of the reason they don't ask me many questions.  They don't really want to know.  They're glad I'm happy and fulfilled, on a variety of levels.  That's enough for them.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to SirsNe)
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RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 6:48:54 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		http://www.collarchat.com/m_673932/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#673940
questions about coming out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_603184/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#603237
Coming Out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_594649/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#594704
Telling Family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_552712/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#552726
real world acceptance

http://www.collarchat.com/m_500172/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#500695
So I came out...

http://www.collarchat.com/m_191844/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#192641
family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_87719/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#87743
Talking to vanilla people

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(in reply to SirsNe)
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RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 6:51:46 PM   
lizcgirl


Posts: 287
Joined: 4/13/2008
Status: offline 		I had to do this not to long ago. My friends are all vanilla, and I was really nervous about telling my best friend. She is VERY headstrong and independent, and so am I to an extent, so I knew she wouldn't be able to understand the whole 'submission' part. We sat down and started talking, I explained the basis of the relationship, the respect, the care, etc. Funny enough, the kinky sex she totally got, it was the whole submiting part 24/7 she had trouble dealing with! She was a little uneasy about it, until she saw my Daddy and I together- then she knew why I chose this. She knows He makes me happy and she respects that. It's still hard for her, whenever I say 'permission', 'punished', or 'collar' she cringes or pokes fun at me, but in a joking manner. If he is really your friend, I'm sure he'll understand. Just be ready for a lot of questions and make sure you can verbally explain why this is what you want, because I know I personally trip on words in person when I'm nervous so a little pre-thought goes a long way. Just start out with the basics and see how he reacts: if its good, tell him more, if not, let it lie. I know it an be nerve racking, but I seriously doubt you have anything to worry about.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 6:53:37 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		why is there a need to come out ? support or just wanting your pal to know ?or ?
Why would a gay judge you  more so if he just came out ?After asking yourself why your telling him about this part of you , and you come up with a good reason acceptable to yourself mainly , then just tell  how you have made a remarkable self discovery .Perhaps read Dossie Eastons Book " when someone you love is Kinky " .

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 7:04:07 PM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		I've told two of my vanilla friends briefly my enjoying kinky sex ... neither of them seemed like they wanted to know more, and I really didn't want to go into it too deeply - there's way too much explaining to do and they'll probably just walk away worrying about me anyway.  lol  They've seen little bruises or bite marks, but besides making jokey comments like how much fun *I* had the night before or me alluding to the two thousand O's I had (lol) we leave it alone.  Which is fine with both sides. 

(in reply to SirsNe)
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RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 7:15:37 PM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline 		Ask yourself if you're prepared for the possible fallout from your coming out.  I had two very open-minded friends who I shared this with.  The kink part they seemed to be able to handle okay.  It was my submission that caused issues.  After a few heated discussions where I was put on the defensive about my being submissive to a man and the accusations of it being an abusive relationship..... and just having to defend that and myself, well I walked away from both friendships. 

I no longer have any close friends, and that's okay with me.

(in reply to Bound2One)
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RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 7:23:20 PM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		If people don't ask, don't tell. I don't see a point in "coming out" unless the issue actually comes up.

There is nothing wrong with having a private life.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 7:32:49 PM   
derfrewop


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/10/2007
From: Vancouver
Status: offline 		Coming out sub to a gay man has to be the easiest coming out ever. As a gay man he his well aware that 1) at least half of all gay bars are leather bars. 2) 90% of gay men will describe themselves as Top, Bottom or Switch with roughly the same emotional and situational meanings as us D/s folks. Most importantly 3) if he has any involvement in his local scene he will almost certainly know of at least one long term relationship built around submission.

Unless he really has been living totally in th closet without ever meeting other gay men, there is not likely to be anything unfamiliar about such a relationship. The only thing he won't already know is the specifics of how it is for you. Which is what sharing with friends is about.


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I only flog good girls. I don't reward bad behavior.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)
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RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 8:02:12 PM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

Ask yourself if you're prepared for the possible fallout from your coming out.  I had two very open-minded friends who I shared this with.  The kink part they seemed to be able to handle okay.  It was my submission that caused issues.  After a few heated discussions where I was put on the defensive about my being submissive to a man and the accusations of it being an abusive relationship..... and just having to defend that and myself, well I walked away from both friendships. 

I no longer have any close friends, and that's okay with me.


That's exactly the part I found myself unable to talk about - the submission.  The kinky part, they can kinda laugh and talk about furry handcuffs (if they only knew!) but the submitting part, they wouldn't get at all.  I can just hear the conversations they'd have about me being all concerned and worried, etc.  And completely being off the mark.  I'm sorry you had such an experience. 

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 8:59:56 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		you could try singing this song...

Agadoo doo doo
Push pineapple shake the tree
Agadoo doo doo
Put your profile on Collarme
With the Doms, with the subs
Find a scene and get down on your knees
Check the posts every night
And make new friends on Collarme

I met a dominant Master somewhere near Sydney
Who was looking for subs and browsing Collarme
And when I went to this Dom come on and teach me to play
He wrote a message to me you must do what I say
I'm submissive you see and he found the real me
With such a happy throng I am now singing this song

Agadoo doo doo
Push pineapple shake the tree
Agadoo doo doo
Put your profile on Collarme
With the Doms, with the subs
Find a scene and get down on your knees
Check the posts every night
And make new friends on Collarme

(repeat)

And with this kind Sir I found a romance
He showed me much more, it wasn't to dance

Agadoo doo doo
Push pineapple shake the tree
Agadoo doo doo
Put your profile on Collarme
With the Doms, with the subs
Find a scene and get down on your knees
Check the posts every night
And make new friends on Collarme

(repeat)

With Madame Eleven I've now found heaven
With the Collarme throng I am now singing this song

Agadoo doo doo
Push pineapple shake the tree
Agadoo doo doo
Put your profile on Collarme
With the Doms, with the subs
Find a scene and get down on your knees
Check the posts every night
And make new friends on Collarme

apologies to Black Lace..



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(in reply to SirsNe)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 10:22:07 PM   
EnferCatin


Posts: 7
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I remember when I first got into this lifestyle - and it changed me too.  In fact, friends and relatives commented on it.  I calmed down, I learned to be comfortable with myself, and so one evening while at dinner with my best friend I decided to tell her what the change was. 

It was a very bad idea and our friendship is over now.  She was very turned off and I could see it.  I didn't go into detail with her, but just the idea of BDSM was too much for her.  

I will never discuss this with anyone outside the lifestyle again.  It's not worth it, and really, what's the point?  It's very sexual and very personal.  I think most vanilla people have extremely negative views on BDSM D/s, far more so than homosexuality even.  Besides, our lives don't need to be an open book - not even to our best friends. 

(in reply to SirsNe)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/5/2008 11:02:53 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirsNe

Hi all..
 
I am going soon to visit my best friend in the entire world.  I haven't seen him since i discovered this part of myself (just due to geological situations) and i feel as though i am so changed of late that he will be asking why.
 
I guess i just want to know if anyone else has 'outted' themsleves to family or friends and if so how they did it? and what were the results etc.
 
Even though he is a gay man who recently came out i can't help but feel he might judge a little based on social stereotypes anyways (which makes no sense does it?).
 
Whats the best way to do this do you think? 
 (sorry i am not making the best sense i'm just tangled up about this all.)
 
Ne
 


What you can't seem to meet cuz you study rocks???  So yea your not making much sense.  Had you looked there is a current thread on this subject.  Called imagine that coming out letters.  can we find another topic to flog?

BadOne

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/11/2008 10:27:01 PM   
whispererr


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirsNe

Hi all..
 
I am going soon to visit my best friend in the entire world.  I haven't seen him since i discovered this part of myself (just due to geological situations) and i feel as though i am so changed of late that he will be asking why.
 
I guess i just want to know if anyone else has 'outted' themsleves to family or friends and if so how they did it? and what were the results etc.
 
Even though he is a gay man who recently came out i can't help but feel he might judge a little based on social stereotypes anyways (which makes no sense does it?).
 
Whats the best way to do this do you think? 
 (sorry i am not making the best sense i'm just tangled up about this all.)
 
Ne
 


What you can't seem to meet cuz you study rocks???  So yea your not making much sense.  Had you looked there is a current thread on this subject.  Called imagine that coming out letters.  can we find another topic to flog?

BadOne


Wow hello Captain asshole!

No wonder only the regs feel comfortable posting - sorry if ppl dont want to spend like ten years looking through posts in the vain hope something meets what they are looking for!

I think that as W/we should all support each other no matter if the issue seems redundant.

Good luck ne.

Purrr

and PS BadOne? its more like PatheticMuch?



(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/12/2008 1:10:15 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		I slowly started coming out of the closet with my open minded vanilla friends first, back about 6 years ago.  Some of my friends, I still have not come out of the closet with and don't really care to.  

A couple of years ago, I made up my mind to come out of the closet with my mother.  Now, this is a matter I put a lot of thought into, preparing myself for 1001 questions, imagining all the different reactions and ways she would take it.  How I would be prepared to deal with it.

Damnest thing, I sprung the news on her over a sit down lunch.  She took things not anyway that I had prepared for.  Basically, she said, how two people choose to live their life is up to them and their business, as long as it's consentual.  That was it.  I asked her if she was shocked, and she said no not really.  We've never really talked about it much more since then.   She knows what I'm into, the type of women I like and etc.  

I was very tangled up about sharing this with my mom, however, it went over way smoother than I expected. 

(in reply to SirsNe)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/12/2008 3:33:26 AM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		My friends know I am kinky, I have always been very open about sex and my sexuality, like others have said it is the submission part that most people dont get and so I just dont bother telling them that part, I cant see that it matters anyway. Sir and I look and act like a regular nilla couple when we are out and about and I have kinky friends for support so i just keep with the satus quo

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/12/2008 4:01:21 AM   
BrigandDoom


Posts: 155
Joined: 12/29/2007
From: Nottingham
Status: offline 		I was outed by some prat at work many years ago who thought it was funny. I got the last laugh as he was as popular as a tax man in a tax haven, and the fact that most of the guys at work knew what I was like and knew about the "dark side". Rather than marginalising me, I found it made me even more popular, I got invited to a lot of stag weekends and even a few hen parties! I was also very surprised how many people thought I was some sort of oracle or font of all knowledge when it came to relationship and sexual problems lol. Some of things I heard even made my toes curl!
I am who I am, and I've always been of the opinion that people shopuld you as you, not some "fashionable" paradody of yourself just to suit the so-called moral majority. If he really is a true friend he shouold accept you as you irrespective of what the reason is, unless of course its illegal.

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Brigand Doom

There is only one, accept no alternatives!

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RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/12/2008 5:33:31 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		Welcome to the forums Ne.

I told my two best friends a few years ago about my bdsm interests as I wanted to use them as my safe calls.  They found the D/s part a little difficult to understand however they eventually seemed to get it and while they expressed some concern initially they were very supportive. 

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Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
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(in reply to SirsNe)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Telling 'nilla Friends about Y/yourself - 5/12/2008 8:06:28 AM   
abcbsex


Posts: 478
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline 		One of my friends, she's a virgin, but she asks me about sex all the time (anxious little bugger I know). Kink just comes into the conversation naturally, but I'm careful about how I word it so she's not horrified. Like, we got on the topic of bad music videos and then she mentioned how cheesy ricky martin was and I was like, "but omg did you see that video where the girl pours wax on him? That was so hot" and she naturally reacted with, "Oh god wouldn't that hurt and be a turn off?" and then I mentioned that it adds a great sensation.... but I didn't tell her that just the weekend previous I had orgasmed from being covered in hot wax while being tied down to the coffee table she was leaning on!

Then things like when she revealed that she had a handcuff fetish, I replied, "oh, handcuffs dig into my skin too much, and they're waaay overpriced. We use small dog collars, they're nicer to my wrists" So, she knows, but I don't go into the lewd details of it all. If it came to a point where Alpha and I were in a 24/7 setup, I'd explain it to her by saying that I speak to him about all decisions before I do anything and with her being a Christian, it's not hard to deal with the husband being the head of the household. It doesn't have to sound like you're asking permission all the time.

_____________________________

I was trained at MasterLordDarkness' Center for Subs Who Don't Serve Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too.....

but it needed to be at least.... four times bigger.


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