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Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 6:08:09 AM

MladyHathor

Posts: 510
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

This post is not meant to discuss the validity of an online relationship or to rehash the get a real life debate, but to get some ideas about the "mix" of online communication in a relationship. Whether one lives next door, in the next state or another country---online communication has become an integral part of our day to day communiation mix---and it has become a venue that takes IMHO, skill and work to be able to articulate thoughts, ideas, moods and stances well. We in our life tend to also use this vehicle as a means to instill, reinforce, maintain the dynamic we have established with the other person---My question is how much online time do you allow in your mix of communication? It is assumed that behind every screen, there are lives being lived--work, bills, UM, hobbies, whatever--and one could easily never move from the screen I suppose ( I'm sure there are those like that too)--how does one hit that balance that is good for them?

Dominants at what point do you get frustrated when you set aside time to chat with your sub and life has pulled them away---subs at what point do you get irritated when the Dom says they will be on later and the later is after your eyelids have given up the fight?

I for one am wrestling with this mix--and I know the stock answer is what is good for Me and Mine, but I'd like to hear from others how they blend this.

_____________________________

The Mistress Hathor, always and forever, much to the disdain and discomfort of others.

Post #: 1

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 6:19:39 AM

MamaDomme1

Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline

Wonderful question for discussion!

While I am not involved in any online relationships, I do have many friends, Dominant and submissive both, that are online. I'm not much of a chat person but I do exchange pleasentries with many people.

I have family living all over the world and online is our main way of keeping in touch with one another. It's much easier to pop an email or even an offline instant message when you have the time, than try to catch someone by phone. Not to mention the horrendous overseas call charges!

(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 2

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 6:20:54 AM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
Status: offline

It should have been: "Online communication and the right minx."

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Post #: 3

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 7:17:37 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

This is one of those threads that both intrigue me and also cause me to hesitate in responding to. There is a tone taken towards those that interact primarily online which you addressed and hope to avoid but I think it is unavoidable. I came to the online world approximately 1999, in my 30s (which makes me feel like a weird newbie in many ways). I took to it immediately, both the visual stimulation (reading) and the need for written communication which is where I have always excelled. I read copious amounts be it paper or monitor and I write nearly the same amount especially now that it is my primary way of communicating through lack of choice. It is physically much easier for me to be online with humans instead of going out and interacting. Sometimes I use that as an excuse, I know that. I'm more comfortable 'hidden' because I'm abnormally shy, more comfortable now because I just can't be active more than an hour or so a day. So yup I am one of those that are often seen as dismal people that live online.

My bills, family communication, friend communication, shopping and general living are done here. Most of the time with my dom is online as well. He lives on the other side of the country and I'm still struggling to move there so we use the internet. As to if it's a healthy way to do it, I don't know or care because it is our way and I am usually happy with it. I have to be happy with it until I can get it changed heh.Sometimes I don't get to see him for a couple of days but that is rare. Usually I wake up in time to have coffee with him, then stay up late enough for him to watch me go to sleep. (which is really weird feeling with my ex laying in bed next to me haha! seriously weirdddd)I chafe if I don't see him, I get resentful of whatever is taking up his time but that is my problem as I see it. My issue to deal with. I just came back from spending 4 days with him and that makes the times where the waiting feel never ending to disappear.There is an anticipation that builds when we tease each other with delicious words and promises to come. When those become reality it is sometimes like 'the first time' over and over again. The newness of undiscovered skin and sensations. Yummy.That will keep me going until the next time. Even when I'm not so sure I can keep going, I do because it really is wonderful and so very worth it.

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~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 4

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 7:36:28 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

i'm right with ya, camille!!

i met Daddy here on collarme. we have a mix of online and in person interaction...due to finances, he cant see me as often as he would wish, every six weeks or so on average now. in june, i'm going to be relocating to texas, where i will be 24/7 with TheEngineer as my domintnant/Sir and Daddy as my dominant/Master. its not ideal. i still am very deeply in love with Daddy...but i love TheEngineer equally as well.

right now i'm at a physical low and am not able to spend as much time online with Daddy as i'd like. and his main computer has been on the fritz. grrrrr.

its not easy, no. and honestly, Daddy and i do not do the cybering thing, we talk about different things going on with us, about my imps, how the packing is going (VERY slowly LOL) and how i'm feeling.

i'd say if the couple worked at it, its a decent stop-gap in being able to see each other in person. but its not what i would relly want in an ideal relationship.

kitten

(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 5

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 7:39:49 AM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline

Camille

I really appreciate you sharing that..and your feelings about it. I agree, this topic can be a sticky one.

Cyndi

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galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 6

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 7:41:12 AM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

We are in an LDR. We see each other two weekends a month and have been on that rotation for quite some time so it is not an online relationship but it has elements of which you are speaking about. Although we communicate by online (email and chat), phone text messages and phone calls when we are apart we have never set aside a certain time for this. That way there aren't any missed appointments. If I have some time I get online. If she shows up - we chat. Sometimes we might text the other to let them know we are online. If push comes to shove and we want to talk we pick up the phone. Sometimes one of us will say we'll be on later and that doesn't happen for some reason. No worries - there is always tomorrow.

We have learned to employ the same philosophy to in person visits. Sometimes plans have to be changed and it tends to happen on short notice when it does happen. It's disappointing to not get to see one another and have to wait until next time but it happens. We live within a few hours driving distance so visits never incur plane fare or other complications. There is always going to be a next time.

In my opinion this is the answer to 'wrestling with this mix'.

(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 7

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 7:41:14 AM

abeke

Posts: 14
Joined: 3/15/2008
Status: offline

For me I am normally always online but not in front of my computer. If someone has asked me to set aside time for phone or chat---I wait 15 minutes tops. I figure if someone wants to talk to me, they will get a hold of me at some point.

(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 8

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 8:09:11 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

Camille: that was wonderful to read. Thank you so much for sharing.

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To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 9

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 8:14:14 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

My x and I live 10 mins apart. But we used to chat online without fail for 7 yrs, every night we were not laying next to each other. I doubt I will do that with anyone again. Face to face is great. Online can be either too much, or things can be misconstrued, or you get too dependant on that contact. We had set hours of quietly sitting, watching tv, discussing our work day, ect, every night. It is like a drug, one can be addicted to that constant contact. I won't do that again.
Face to face is much easier to digest.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 10

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 9:26:23 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I may be an unusual mix - I am a real time slave and an online Domme (at my Master's request that I remain a Domme). I met my Master online through CM and then we moved into real time.

I have right in my profile that I will give out my chat ID to subs when I am ready, but get a LOT of emails with people introducing themselves and immediately wanting me to view them on webcam. I give out my ID sparingly. There is nothing like being in the middle of a session with one person and showing a less than discreet photo and have five other men pop up and start making comments of it. (Yes, I know that Yahoo is supposed to be able to block this but it doesn't always work.)

While I enjoy getting emails and answering them at my leisure, I don't enjoy being constantly bombarded with chat requests. I feel that it takes away my sense of privacy. Before I was a slave I was happy to do it because I had the time. Now I am much more choosy about which subs I choose to deal with and when.

Since I live two hours away from my Master, He and I also use the internet quite a bit. We email each other daily and sometimes use chat - though He always approaches me first (one of His rules). In a few weeks I will be moving and will be only about 15 minutes away from Him, and I am sure that we won't use the internet as much though it is still nice for a quick email.

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RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 9:49:24 AM

RipenReady

Posts: 35
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

My Master and I have both a real and online relationship, we also met here on CM. Due to conflicting work schedules and the horrible hours that we both work we aren't able to see each other but every other week. Therefore online communication is important. We try to talk to each other atleast every few days. I wait around online as long as I can to see if he will get on just because I know his work schedule is a little longer then mine is. If we don't talk, I make sure that I send him an email on CM just so he knows what's going on with me and so he knows I'm still around.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 12

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 9:54:40 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I am currently involved in an online/RL mix relationship and have been for 5 years now. Unfortunately my sub can't afford to come see me as often as we'd like and he has two elderly parents to care for. He also lives about 2 hours away from me so thats another obstacle. I have an UM to care for as well as pets so I cannot be gone from home for long periods of time.

However we are together online whenever we aren't together in person. This means every night when we get home from work after dinner and chores we are online until we go to bed. We try to get together in person for two long weekends a month. That is how it has to be for right now. Once my sub gets his finances in order and gets his siblings to start helping with his parents he will be moving in with me. How long will that take? Unsure, but it will happen when it happens.

~Lashra

< Message edited by Lashra -- 5/4/2008 9:55:34 AM >

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 13

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 10:02:59 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Having moved with a transfer from one coast to another online is my lifeline to my family and friends, occasionally a new friend.
Years back online was more for the entertainment value, flirting chatting bs'ing with strangers was fun. Now I find that game old and too time consuming to bother with. Life is busy and online is a blessing of sorts to keep in contact with those I value.
It can be difficult to carry on in depth conversations at times, words leave out the body language that speaks what isnt said,
but I have noticed a learning curve where the use of words has developed better communication from myself.
I no longer sit waiting at a screen for contact, off line messages or email suffice, it's a comfort zone I'm pleased with.
When RT contact happens the chats are cherished over the interaction. Sure sometimes I ache for that, but it is what it is and happens as it can. Then again, I'm not looking for someone to be my `master` and run my life either.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 14

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 11:27:00 AM

abcbsex

Posts: 478
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline

I had a long distance vanilla relationship for over a year where the only in-person contact was once a weekend once a month. While it did make every time seem like a first time meeting, the excitement from that disguised the stress it was putting on us both. I wouldn't be able to do it again with a vanilla or D/s relationship. If I was to use the internet to keep in touch with Alpha right now, it would only be for scheduling the times we meet up, maybe a quick email which would be the equivalent of a sticky-note on the mirror when we miss each other in the mornings. I consider myself very lucky to be living with the one I love.

Sometimes if I'm working on my laptop in the living room he'll im me from the bedroom on his mac to not disturb me, does that count? I just tend to yell back the answer, he's silly sometimes.

_____________________________

I was trained at MasterLordDarkness' Center for Subs Who Don't Serve Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too.....

but it needed to be at least.... four times bigger.

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 15

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 2:37:27 PM

SweetiePie26

Posts: 17
Joined: 3/5/2008
Status: offline

I met my Master here on collarme a little over a year ago, right now when we can't be together RT which is only when he is offshore working, we use phone/IM/email as a means but there are no set times for our communications. I try to make sure I am available when his shift ends whenever it is possible to do so.

(in reply to abcbsex)

Post #: 16

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 3:17:54 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

It's a good question. I think you're right that anyone who doesn't live 24/7 has a great tool in online. Even those who do live together use it, so it's more than valid.

Truthfully, I'm a terrible representation to answer this question right now. Sitting here today, I can say that My husband and I rarely IM or email. My computer access is limited to home only, so chances are that a post it will work for any needs just the same as electronic method. On the other hand, My sub, who is physically with Me three to four times a week, and I use it quite a bit. This is especially true when our work/school schedules don't quite match up. It's not unusual for us to chat during his class days if I happen to be off that day, or if I'm working nights and he's off. Nights that he doesn't stay here with Me, I'll IM him to wish him goodnight or send him messages in the morning before he's off to clinicals. My sub is up terribly early some mornings, and phone calls just aren't feasible at that hour.

Anyway, the reason I say I'm a terrible resource for this question right now, is that changes exactly on Wednesday, when My husband is off to Korea for a year. It will change again when My sub's unit mobilizes and he prepares to go to Iraq. When online is the best we'll be able to do, I'm sure it's going to increase. I'll never consider My husband to be an online husband, or My sub to be an online sub. It just means that the military has seen to it that our poly family will be in different countries for a while. It's going to be over a year, at the soonest, that we will all be together again. Quite frankly, that idea is hurting quite a bit right now, even though I chose it.

I think I should probably shut up on the subject now. However, MamaDomme1, it was lovely to meet you and teddybear in person last night.

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SweetiePie26)

Post #: 17

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 3:18:58 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You are saying online, where perhaps you ought to be saying IM or chat. When we were ldr and even now when he's away from home working, we use phone and the computer to fill in. We tried to aim for 10:00 or 10:30 on AIM, but if 11:00PM came and the other hadn't made it on, we went to bed. What we did do is send two emails a day as long as we had computer or internet access, if we knew we wouldn't for four days, we let each other know ahead of time. But we probably did make that late night im four nights out of seven.

And we usually made an early morning and late night email also. If we knew we wouldn't be able to send a morning email, we told each other so ahead of time. If something came up last minute, we sent an email explaining as soon as we could.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 18

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 4:10:38 PM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

quote:

You are saying online, where perhaps you ought to be saying IM or chat.

Hi Celeste,
Actually pup and I use the world wide web to also play games with each other, even when we can't talk to each other, we will be playing games, or looking at web sites that we both like. So it isn't always about chat and IM for us :)

Oh M..
You always know how to pose questions that tug on my heart strings. It has been over a year since I last saw him, and we are just as strong, if not stronger together than we were when I left Georgia. The internet, email and phone calls are responsible for our staying in contact.
I am the first to say meet me at 8pm, and he will be sitting in his dorm, studying, with the computer turned on to yahoo, waiting for me. I am the one who falls asleep and doesnt wake up in time for our "date". I have had many disappointments when I thought he was going to be available on a certain day at a certain time, and pesky life interupts that. He gets called into work, or his parents drop in on him. The main thing right now though, is finals. He may be getting his scholorship back and he is on the Deans list :)
But, I do understand when things come up, I may not like it when his parents show up without calling, which is rare, but he now tells them to call first (BIG step for him) <s>

This is a great topic M! Thanks for staring it.

Hugs,

K

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Post #: 19

RE: Online Communication and the Right Mix - 5/4/2008 4:50:20 PM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline

LadyHathor

(how does one hit that balance that is good for them?

Dominants at what point do you get frustrated when you set aside time to chat with your sub and life has pulled them away---subs at what point do you get irritated when the Dom says they will be on later and the later is after your eyelids have given up the fight? )

Tyson and I are 3000 miles away from one another right now. Of our 11 yr relationship, the last several have had this distance to cope with. We met and meet the challenge each and every day.
The balance ?
well, just about the time it feels balanced > Life throws a kink in it ( well and not the good kind of kink ) ...So it seems like an ongoing attempt to balance and re-balance and it takes alot of good communication and patience from both of us.

We use the computer to keep in touch daily, for my assignments to be sent from him and completed by me and sent back to him...journalling has been used to help him keep track of my daily emotions and helping me to get in touch with deeper feelings when he isnt able to physically be able to see me...observe etc. I have an email waiting for me each morning before going to work, and I write one for him to find when he wakes up. ( 3 hour time diff) ..
( until just recently) I call him on my way home from work and then write him that night if we haven't talked by phone.
We use to use the IM feature alot..but recently have not been able to due to work schedules and time difference and his insistance that I need to sleep more than I need to sit waiting for him to sign on late at night.
But, sometimes we catch each other online...usually resulting in him saying > call me. gigglin

Phone is a daily thing with us also.
conversations on the weekdays and then long catch-up and soul-searching conversations on the weekends and into the nights when possible.

Right now, I am in a particularily difficult place emotionally.

"Unbalanced, about these options and methods of communication," would be an understatement.
They have failed me greatly in the last 3 weeks.
I realize how much I depend upon them to keep our connection strong and close.
Things felt balanced.
~Then his job hours changed..alterring when and for how long we could talk by phone daily...we adjusted.
~then my computer crashed....sigh...it was out of commission for more than a week. sigh we adjusted.
~then our weekend marathon phone call ( for two weekends in a row)> couldn't happen for reasons beyond anyones control....I am processing and trying to adjust.

It is bothering me a great deal today, to the point of tears.
So I'm afraid I cannot be a strong advocate of this topic right now and say very positive or enlightened things about how they work for us right now..

In one regard I want to cuss how dependant we are upon them ( the technological advances) for our connection to remain as strong as possible. But as Tyson reminds me> it is exactly those things I want to cuss out that are responsible for us being able to perservere through a very challenging time. And if it wasn't for the internet connection he and I wouldn't have connected and become Us.
so it's hard to be mad at something that is both a blessing and a burden at times too.

If it is any help at all..
I hold onto something Tyson reminds me of all the time
"those are just conveniences and inconveniences...What we hold onto is that the "us" is our constant and is always inside each of us no matter what else happens on th outside.."

this too I shall survive.
wishing this was a more positive post...I don't generally whine.

Cyndi

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 20

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Online Communication and the Right Mix

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