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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 1:31:48 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Just ask him for it politely...seems pretty simple. It's not topping from the bottom to simply make a request and if you were topping from the bottom then he's apparently allowing you to do so..make of that what you will.

(in reply to justnewsub)

Post #: 21

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 1:32:44 PM

impossiblesub

Posts: 150
Joined: 4/20/2008
Status: offline

You will probably have about the same luck as you would asking most men to cuddle after sex. I suggest you try finding a Dom who is interested in your feelings and needs BEFORE you get together if this is what you want. It sounds like the issue is your failure in finding the correct Dom.

< Message edited by impossiblesub -- 4/27/2008 1:33:38 PM >

(in reply to justnewsub)

Post #: 22

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 2:39:24 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

"Can I have some aftercare please Sir?"
"Sure..." *pause* "go make me a sammich cunt"
"grilled cheese or tuna Sir"
"Grilled cheese.. and a beer ...and clear those toys away ... and then hurry up with my blowjob"

*sighs*...loves a Romantic

_____________________________

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veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to impossiblesub)

Post #: 23

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 3:15:20 PM

SlaveRayleene

Posts: 22
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline

You shouldn't have to ask for aftercare. A good Dom/me will give it as a matter of course, especially after a heavy scene when often a sub may not be in a position to ask.

_____________________________

"Jamais vaincou"

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 24

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 3:45:32 PM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveRayleene

You shouldn't have to ask for aftercare. A good Dom/me will give it as a matter of course, especially after a heavy scene when often a sub may not be in a position to ask.

I disagree. Doms are not mind readers. Aftercare should be discussed before play occurs. Not all subs want aftercare, not all doms give aftercare and aftercare is not a cookie cutter one size fits all thing. Different people need different things in the way of aftercare. It comes down to....yes you guessed it........communication.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to SlaveRayleene)

Post #: 25

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 3:48:18 PM

Seniorwolf

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline

Any exeperienced and observant Dom/Master, should schedule aftercare especially in a new relationship.I know some will argue against my view but meh dem is the breaks :)

(in reply to DelilahDeb)

Post #: 26

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 4:18:20 PM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

No they shouldn't schedule aftercare. A bottom is responsible for asking for it. And when asking for something, ANYONE should be prepared for "no." It doesn't matter the situation.

Now, in reality, people need to negotiate these things before hand. And if someone is new to this as in their first scene they need to say "Hey I'm unsure of what I'll need...can you please check in on me and are there things I can and cannot ask for?"

As for me, aftercare looks like...

"Okay I'm hot now and My head just exploded a little...fuck Me til I cum now..."
"Okay Lady."
......time goes one duties are done happily.......
"I'm hungry and thirsty and tired. I want x, y, and the bed made so I can sleep on it."
"Okay, will take me about 15 minutes. Anything else Lady?"

(in reply to Seniorwolf)

Post #: 27

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 5:51:35 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveRayleene
You shouldn't have to ask for aftercare. A good Dom/me will give it as a matter of course, especially after a heavy scene when often a sub may not be in a position to ask.

No, they won't. Doms are under no obligation to give anything unless agreed upon and they are not bad if they do not read your mind or assume you want it and then give it to you.

Nice way for you to make yourself not responsible for your scenes and make the dom responsible for it all.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SlaveRayleene)

Post #: 28

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 6:46:34 PM

wwwkevinww

Posts: 276
Joined: 7/15/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FlamingRedhead

While having a discussion about activities and such, you could bring up the topic of aftercare. In my opinion, it should go without saying that, if someone has the pleasure of beating you, the least he can do is comfort you afterwards. However, I've noticed that the couple of casual play partners I've had provided better aftercare than the dom I was actually in a relationship with. His version of aftercare was to ask if I was okay on his way out of the bedroom.

If someone really cares about you, it shouldn't have to be explicit unless a total newb. Obviously a "true" sadist would do aftercare with more spankings.....

Since you state something about being new to this, being explicit is very valid....

(in reply to FlamingRedhead)

Post #: 29

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 6:49:53 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Just bring it up in conversation that you are one the needs aftercare. It is ok to tell them things they might not know about you.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to justnewsub)

Post #: 30

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 8:36:40 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

Well you can be subtle about aftercare and simply grab him by the "nards" and sweetly request the aftercare needed.....just dont let go of the "nards"until you are recovered.....

..Tempting

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You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 31

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 9:20:52 PM

Willowmoon

Posts: 227
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline

hmmmm stating your needs is not topping from the bottom (grrrr i could rant for ages about the topping from the bottom thing) if some thinks that stating what you need is topping from the bottom then i would suggest you look elsewhere for a play partner/Dom.

The easiest way to say it? When negoating your play (if your doing that) just simple tell him that you need aftercare. We are all adults just because we are sub or slave does not mean we are not allowed to have needs it also does not mean that normal common sense things that would happen in a vanilla relationship (Hey honey can you hold me after sex) don't happen is a Bdsm relationship.

Willow

(in reply to DelilahDeb)

Post #: 32

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 9:25:46 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub
This is mostly refering to the begining stages of the relationship, when still learning about each other.

That is precicely what that beginning learning stage is FOR in a relationship. Before you play with someone for the first time, tell them what you just told us. You need support and care when coming down out of subspace. Let them know you have been in situations before where that wasnt offered and it made you seriously think twice about playing again since for you that is PART of the scene, not an afterthought. There are a lot of us as well, who cant do scenes and be happy with them without some sort of after care. WHAT that care is changes based on the person we play with, but there is always something. Make sure any partner knows that it is a need for you and understands that before playtime. That way, if they forget, or decide against it, you canmention that you discused it before, and if they arent interested, they wont be invited back.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to justnewsub)

Post #: 33

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 9:35:59 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

First of all please get rid of the idea that asking for what you need is topping from the bottom. Seeing that someone is made aware of your needs done respectfully and at the right time IS NOT topping from the bottom.

quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub

Well I was thinking this morning about the importance of aftercare.

Is there a tactful way, with out topping from the bottom, to let your Dom/Domme know that you need aftercare (more or any). This is mostly refering to the begining stages of the relationship, when still learning about each other.

Not that I'm an expert or anything, but I have found this is a very important part of any play time (for me anyways). I've noticed I need alot of support when coming out of sub-space and when dealing with sub-drop. I've had to deal with these 2 events with out support and it is hard and can have a hand in weather i want to play with somone again or not. The quality of after care is very very important, and being able to talk about the scene what you enjoyed and what might have not gone as expected.

Thanks in advanced, and hope you all have a great day

justnew

(in reply to justnewsub)

Post #: 34

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/28/2008 2:21:48 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I think a Dominant should "offer" aftercare or at least make a newbie sub aware of the fact that they may need it. However I totally agree that no Dominant is a mindreader and needs to know what each sub needs. I think a Dominant should be the one to raise this subject during negotiations ... but no one's perfect and it might get forgotten. So a sub should NEVER feel that they can't ask about it and be prepared to clearly state their needs as they recognise them to be. If it's hard to say "i want/need" ... start with a question: "What kind of aftercare do You usually do Sir?" Treat it as a memory jog for the Dominant ... and if they do not seem inclined to give any, especially when you then say what you need ... don't play!

Incidentally, I think it is also important for a sub to be considerate of the Dominant's feelings too ... they may feel a need to give some kind of aftercare as part of their enjoyment and winding down of a scene. I think the best matches are between Dominants and subs who have similar "tastes" in aftercare ... while I accept some subs don't like it all, I know by now that they are not for Me, for it leaves Me feeling cheated and used to be robbed of that connection. I like a sub who enjoys cuddling and closeness as that's what I need too.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 35

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/28/2008 4:03:49 AM

SlaveRayleene

Posts: 22
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline

I Domme as well so maybe I'm drawing too much on my own experiences whilst not recognising the contrary experiences of others.
Responsibility of course belongs to both and there are varying degrees of aftercare from simply being there to something more practical. Of course communication is an essential element but so is being able to read signs of distress and the need for aftercare. That said, if a sub doesn't want aftercare, I'm not going to ride roughshod over their wishes and give it anyway.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveRayleene
You shouldn't have to ask for aftercare. A good Dom/me will give it as a matter of course, especially after a heavy scene when often a sub may not be in a position to ask.

No, they won't. Doms are under no obligation to give anything unless agreed upon and they are not bad if they do not read your mind or assume you want it and then give it to you.

Nice way for you to make yourself not responsible for your scenes and make the dom responsible for it all.

_____________________________

"Jamais vaincou"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 36

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/28/2008 10:27:42 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like a good plan. I just really detest people who make others responsible for their own good time and completely absolve themselves from any real responsibility. It also always seems odd that everyone expects the dom, who's just spent a lot of time and energy in creating a good scene for everyone, to then be the one to provide aftercare. Why wouldn't it be the bottoms responsibility to make sure everyone gets cooled down and relaxed? Usually the top is the active one and needs the rest!

My point is simply that everyone needs to own their own responsibilities in a scene- before, during and after. Saying it's "the tops" responsibility or "the bottoms" responsibility just won't fly and is a great way to end up with a lot of fuck ups.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SlaveRayleene)

Post #: 37

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/29/2008 5:12:22 AM

Sandyshores29718

Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline

With Sir i've never had to ask for aftercare, but He understands that this is very new to me and i'm still trying to understand all the emotionals running around in my head. After a scene its wonderful to just have Sir hold me and whisper how much a good girl i am and how well i did. To be honest... its the aftercare that i hold close to my heart. He will hold me and i shall wipe the sweat from His forehead. *sigh* But, there is nothing wrong with asking for after care. Ex. "After the scene is over sometimes my emotions are still a little out of control and i need help to bring them back down to level." :)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 38

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/29/2008 6:58:52 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

No they shouldn't schedule aftercare. A bottom is responsible for asking for it. And when asking for something, ANYONE should be prepared for "no." It doesn't matter the situation.

Now, in reality, people need to negotiate these things before hand. And if someone is new to this as in their first scene they need to say "Hey I'm unsure of what I'll need...can you please check in on me and are there things I can and cannot ask for?"

As for me, aftercare looks like...

"Okay I'm hot now and My head just exploded a little...fuck Me til I cum now..."
"Okay Lady."
......time goes one duties are done happily.......
"I'm hungry and thirsty and tired. I want x, y, and the bed made so I can sleep on it."
"Okay, will take me about 15 minutes. Anything else Lady?"

I don't know who ever Dominated you,
but for Me it's based upon Love and care,
and I do Love My sub.
And if I brought him deeply into subspace, which is awesome to do, there is a responsebility to b there to get him out of it too.

It's not an icecold get together,
at least for Me it's not.
So Yes it's a REAL part of Bdsm.
And a responsebility of a Dom/me,
to ask if s/he prefers it or not.

B safe

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 39

RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/29/2008 7:02:31 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveRayleene

You shouldn't have to ask for aftercare. A good Dom/me will give it as a matter of course, especially after a heavy scene when often a sub may not be in a position to ask.

I disagree. Doms are not mind readers. Aftercare should be discussed before play occurs. Not all subs want aftercare, not all doms give aftercare and aftercare is not a cookie cutter one size fits all thing. Different people need different things in the way of aftercare. It comes down to....yes you guessed it........communication.

Well said!! This what gets people into trouble and then we see the thread on being hurt. Dom's are human and one should not assume that certain things are a given and understood.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 40

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