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How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 9:10:12 AM   
justnewsub


Posts: 127
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline 		Well I was thinking this morning about the importance of aftercare. 

Is there a tactful way, with out topping from the bottom, to let your Dom/Domme know that you need aftercare (more or any).  This is mostly refering to the begining stages of the relationship, when still learning about each other.

Not that I'm an expert or anything, but I have found this is a very important part of any play time (for me anyways).  I've noticed I need alot of support when coming out of sub-space and when dealing with sub-drop.  I've had to deal with these 2 events with out support and it is hard and can have a hand in weather i want to play with somone again or not.  The quality of after care is very very important, and being able to talk about the scene what you enjoyed and what might have not gone as expected.

Thanks in advanced, and hope you all have a great day

justnew
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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 9:16:12 AM   
Level


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Status: offline 		Before playing or beginning a relationship, politely bring it up.

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 9:19:03 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
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From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		It's not topping from the bottom to express your needs. Be clear and direct especially in that getting to know you stage that aftercare is something you require and need. Also state the types of aftercare you need after a scene. Everyone is different in their aftercare requirements and needs.

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 9:21:59 AM   
Phin


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Status: offline 		negotiate it befor the scene.

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 9:31:20 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I would suggest not looking at it as aftercare but as a simple need like any other. 



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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 9:48:54 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		I agree before you play or begin a relationship discuss your needs openly, that would include your needs regarding aftercare. Those needs like any may change with time but being honest about your needs is not toping from the bottom. Infact, that is protecting yourself and allowing those you are playing with or in a relationship with to protect you as well.
 
Blessed Be,
Nika

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 10:04:13 AM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Phin

negotiate it befor the scene.

Exactly.


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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 10:07:45 AM   
justnewsub


Posts: 127
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline 		when is a good time to bring up this need, when you do the first meet and greet? After you have agreed this is someone you do want to play with? before you meet?

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 10:11:37 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It's as much necessary information as mentioning you have a bad knee and can't be put in certain positions. Just say that you've had some bad experiences with being left along to recover by yourself in the past and you aren't interested in that ever happening again. But you also need to be able to tell him exactly what you do need in aftercare. If you want water and a blanket but also don't want to be left alone while he gets the water, then maybe part of your preparations should be sticking a blanket and a thermos of cold water into a bag so he doesn't have to leave. If you know it takes you about half an hour to come back to normal, tell him.



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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 10:14:19 AM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
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Status: offline 		How about "Pass me a bandaid, Bastard/Bitch?"

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 10:14:32 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		I tend to bring it up in general conversation, but I will admit I tend to be blunt about what I need. After all if someone doesn't know what I need then how can they meet my needs?
 
I have even approached it by asking someone how they define needs vs. wants and let the conversation go from there. If entering a M/s relationship I would express my needs in our contract.
 
 
blessed be,
Nika

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 10:22:22 AM   
FlamingRedhead


Posts: 451
Joined: 3/4/2007
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		While having a discussion about activities and such, you could bring up the topic of aftercare.  In my opinion, it should go without saying that, if someone has the pleasure of beating you, the least he can do is comfort you afterwards.  However, I've noticed that the couple of casual play partners I've had provided better aftercare than the dom I was actually in a relationship with.  His version of aftercare was to ask if I was okay on his way out of the bedroom. 

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 10:25:22 AM   
metalmiss


Posts: 341
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: Croydon, UK
Status: offline 		In my opinion, if it is something you usually require.. then make sure you let him know about it.. Bring it up in discussion outside of play.. Communicate clearly.. Be sure that he knows.
After play, asking for aftercare could in no way be "topping from the bottom"..
If you need it then politely request it.. Most s-types that i know find the journey down from sub-space to be "rocky" in places.. Asking for aftercare is nothing out of the ordinary.

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 10:31:23 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		When you are talking about how to prepare for the playing, what sorts of things you both really want to do during the scene...then you also bring up how you like things AFTER the scene.

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 10:44:01 AM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		The key to any relationship is communication if you are going to go around thinking you can not ask about important issues such as needs than your relationships are not going to be worth a hill of beans, and the time to discuss this is when you are setting up and negotiating you play date or during discussion as you are getting to know each others interests and play styles.

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 11:04:33 AM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		Seriously, you have to discuss that before you start.  One of my boys prefers to be left alone to 'lick his own wounds'.  Whatever.  As with many other things around here, the dynamics are different from one couple to the next.  Just keep it safe!

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 11:54:31 AM   
christine1


Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline 		that is something that would come up before anything serious with me...i need aftercare, it's important enough for me that the absence of it is a hard limit for me.

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 12:08:01 PM   
MastrVran


Posts: 354
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub

when is a good time to bring up this need, when you do the first meet and greet? After you have agreed this is someone you do want to play with? before you meet?


Side question, is this something that is happening like at a club, or just some casual person you just met? If so, you really need to discuss more than man that looks like fun do it to me. However, if you have just seen it, you should see what happened afterwards and know what they do. Or at least did with that person.

In some other kind of relationship, where things are going to be done on a regular basis, then you definately should be sitting down and talking to these potential people about all kinds of things. Assuming you know what you want and need after a scene, then be sure to mention this and see if he laughs, or says, oh yeah, I always take the time to make sure you are ok. Then ask what that means lol. Toss a blanket over you, hold you, talk to you, drop cab fare near your used body?

But as most have said, communication is the answer, up until you have a real experience with them, then you find out for sure. Hopefully it wont be a bad answer.

MV

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 12:22:14 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub
Is there a tactful way, with out topping from the bottom, to let your Dom/Domme know that you need aftercare (more or any).  This is mostly refering to the begining stages of the relationship, when still learning about each other.

If a Dom/Domme has not noticed your need for aftercare you might say somethning like:
"I think I have fallen and can't get up"
"If I get subdrop, will you catch me?"

Anything along those lines should inspire a Dom/Domme to open a dialogue with you and get communications back ontrack.

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RE: How to ask for aftercare? - 4/27/2008 12:43:25 PM   
DelilahDeb


Posts: 429
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline 		When I was gifted with another domme's sub for a scene, he asked about aftercare and I said certainly...but I didn't know his needs. So, once he had tidied up (without cuing, that was part of his training) and I'd made sure we both had some water and a hug, he asked if cuddling was OK, and I said sure...and I sat down and he sat at my feet and just hugged me 'round the waist and snuggled up against my legs and put his head in my lap for about ten minutes. I found it an excellent "coming down time" for him...and a cooling down time for me, all sweaty post-flogging. But I didn't know what constituted his aftercare needs, and if he had not asked....

You don't ask, you won't get...at least in my experience.
Delilah Deb

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