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RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 5:07:35 PM

UncleNasty

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I prefer open communication, for myself and my partner. I work diligently at it both as a speaker and as a listener. I've not found another way that renders consistenly positive results in terms of problem solving or conflict resolution.

Telling you he is always open and then shutting you down in mid sentence is a bit of saying one thing and doing another. I don't tolerate that behavior in others and I do my utmost not to act in those ways myself. It is so much easier when you say what you mean and do what you say.

Uncle Nasty

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 21

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 5:15:00 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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Fair enough Christina.

I refuse to let the train of my life stop in the land of Passiva-aggressiva. It's a nasty place that frustrates me. My ex husband lives in the castle high on a hill in Passiva-aggressiva.

It will never be normal for me to live in that place.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 22

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 5:17:15 PM

hissweetbella

Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
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Yes, i am wondering, in a way, if this is normal for a D/s relationship. i've done a lot of S&M play, where i was a bottom for a short period of time and for specific activities, but this is nothing like that. i am truly trying to be a good sub/slave to him. He compliments me and tells me i am doing everything right and that he has no complaints whatsoever 99% of the time. It baffles me, therefore, when out of the blue, after doing what i have been instructed to do, the way i was instructed to do so, and in ways i have done with him over the last 6 months since we decided to stop just playing and have a D/s relationship, he basically says i have done something he doesn't like... but won't tell me what exactly that is because i might change it??? i'm confused. i'm hearing from many of the people who have posted here that i was not submitting. This is what i am asking for... was there something i should have/could have done to make the situation better? Was there a way i should have handled it. i'm struggling in this relationship between being assertive and submitting. i did know he didn't want to talk about the subject that came up the other day, and it wasn't like i continued with my thought until i got my way and said it. The conversation went more along the lines of... Sir, i've been struggling with something and would like to share my thoughts and hear your input. Is now a good time? He said yes. i began to tell him what it was and was cut off. When he let go, i asked if i could continue. He said yes, and again, after a few words i was cut off. When he let go, i asked if something i said had upset him. He said no and i asked why he wasn't letting me finish. He didn't answer, but said he knew he was pushing my buttons. i told him then that it didn't feel good for him to force me to kiss him in order to shut me up, that this was very important to me, but again, he did the same thing, and that was when he let go i asked if i could go take a shower and compose myself.

Do i have everything mixed up or what? i want to submit to him. i just thought if he kept telling me it was okay to talk about what was bothering me, then it was. He often doesn't want to talk about things, but we have agreed that in those times i am to tell him how important it is to me and to remind him that he promised to listen and try to talk openly.

(in reply to hissweetbella)

Post #: 23

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 5:21:28 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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I would have done the same things you did. You clarified it was a good time. You asked if you should continue. He exhibited classic P/A behavior. Saying something but not meaning it. Telling you that you could talk - then making you shut up. Telling you again you could talk - then making you shut up. And when you were getting confused and frustrated - he admitted doing it on purpose (pushing your buttons). Sounds pretty mean to me.

I don't see this changing anytime soon (or actually anytime at all).

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to hissweetbella)

Post #: 24

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 5:22:41 PM

hissweetbella

Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
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i still haven't given up on this relationship. He has admitted his passive aggressiveness and his manipulativeness and has asked me to be patient. i do see baby steps of progress most of the time, but instances like this feel like one step forward and 10 steps back. i don't want to walk away from the connection we have unless i have done my best to work it out. It has only been in the last couple of months that i have started actively seeking advice and help and knowledge in dealing with passive aggressive behavior and not feeding it, but there isn't much that i can find that has a D/s spin on it, and it is important to me to maintain my place and not disrespect him.

(in reply to hissweetbella)

Post #: 25

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 5:29:30 PM

hissweetbella

Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
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i know there was one poster who was very candid on my other thread, SimplyMichael, who said he had been passive aggressive in the past, but who overcame it. Others have said they believe it is basically hopeless to maintain a relationship with someone who exhibits the behavior. If one acknowleges they have the traits and does make efforts at times to act in more direct ways, is it really fair to give up? It is a difficult thing to learn different ways of acting, and if there is progress, however little, how is giving up on him right?

Maybe i am making too much of this incident. It is just really bothering me. Looking back at our conversation this afternoon, i see where i should have called him (respectfully, of course) on a couple of things he said that don't make sense to me. If i don't understand, asking for clarification is not being impatient, in my opinion.

(in reply to hissweetbella)

Post #: 26

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 5:33:14 PM

lronitulstahp

Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
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quote:

Yes, i am wondering, in a way, if this is normal for a D/s relationship.

i am assuming this is in reply to my question earlier

quote:

Is this the first D/s relationship for either of you?

if so, that would explain alot. He may feel as if the pace is being sped up...and need some time to figure things out. Some will say "leave, it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants...etc" But the only way a Dominant can learn how to be a good Dom is to be a Dom learning how to be a good Dom(got it?). You're both going to evolve in this thing...if the foundation of the relationship is mutual respect, and trust, it's workable. He may be feeling like you're pushing, and you feel like he's pulling. Give him space, but remind him in small ways that you are his...and there, if he needs you. Sometimes, "s" types have a way of trying to make eveything about them and their feelings in the relationship.(and i implicate myself in this as well...) Space given to someone finding their way can be an amazingly selfless gift. Serving requires sacrifice. Think of it as a way of serving...emotionally.

(in reply to hissweetbella)

Post #: 27

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 5:36:46 PM

hissweetbella

Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lronitulstahp

quote:

Yes, i am wondering, in a way, if this is normal for a D/s relationship.
i am assuming this is in reply to my question earlier
quote:

Is this the first D/s relationship for either of you?
if so, that would explain alot. He may feel as if the pace is being sped up...and need some time to figure things out. Some will say "leave, it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants...etc" But the only way a Dominant can learn how to be a good Dom is to be a Dom learning how to be a good Dom(got it?). You're both going to evolve in this thing...if the foundation of the relationship is mutual respect, and trust, it's workable. He may be feeling like you're pushing, and you feel like he's pulling. Give him space, but remind him in small ways that you are his...and there, if he needs you. Sometimes, "s" types have a way of trying to make eveything about them and their feelings in the relationship.(and i implicate myself in this as well...) Space given to someone finding their way can be an amazingly selfless gift. Serving requires sacrifice. Think of it as a way of serving...emotionally.

No, this isn't the first D/s relationship for him. He says he has had them off and on for the last 20 years. All his others were not all that emotionally involved. He says i am the first slave he has ever loved and tried to make a full relationship with. Hope that helps to clarify.

(in reply to lronitulstahp)

Post #: 28

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 5:43:49 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

When I answered your question earlier, I had your earlier post in mind.
I feel for you, and I think you are more patient than I could be, and I look up to you for that.
At the same time, I worry about you.
Sometimes I feel that you give so much, and don't get back.
Be careful that you don't put up with anything you wouldn't want your best friend, sister or mom to put up with.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to hissweetbella)

Post #: 29

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 5:46:55 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

I don't really see this incident as any different than what you told us before. You know he's passive-aggressive. Have you decided if you can live with it or not?

well she is doing a good job of exposing him for the heel he is!!! but I have to wonder what the light would expose if shined brightly on the OP.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 30

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 6:01:09 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Yanno, if the light shined brightly on any of us, it probably would not be favorable.

The difference here is, that she wants it to be favorable to him...because she loves him.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 31

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 6:22:51 PM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella

... it is important to me to maintain my place and not disrespect him.

Probably not the best advice, but a taste of his own medicine would eventually be my response. If his behavior was to continually manipulate the shut down of communications, I'd be utterly submissive and comply...

Completely. As in stopping all communication with him.

But only to the point where it got his attention.

Would that be passive-aggressive behavior on my part? Absolutely. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

The lesson to be learned... be careful what you ask for.

But I can be a bit snarky, at times.

(in reply to hissweetbella)

Post #: 32

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 6:23:52 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

But I can be a bit snarky, at times.

I thought you were all sweetness. Another myth destroyed!

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 33

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 6:26:18 PM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I thought you were all sweetness...

Where's the fun in that?

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 34

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 6:56:50 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I don't think your response had anything to do with not being submissive. Don't let him manipulate you into doubting your instincts or allowing him to confuse and distort your perceptions of what is going on. Telling you that your actions reminded him of something else is just manipulative crap. It has nothing to do with reminding him of anything, it was just his way of changing the subject. The bottom line is that regardless of every thing else that transpired, you were not able to talk to him about the thing you wanted to talk to him about. He shut you down.

If I were you I'd have a serious talk about the goals both of you have for the relationship. Even though he said it was Ok for you to talk to him at that time, it's obviously not what he really wanted to do. So maybe the two of you can work out a way that you can talk to him when you need to, but he doesn't have to feel like his plans for the evening are being hijacked (if that's what was really going on- hes' going to have to be honest with himself and you about that) Maybe you write a journal that the two of you talk about once a week, or maybe you both set aside a period of time once or twice a week when you talk about things etc...

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 35

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 7:45:37 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Denial is not a river in Egypt.
He won't tell you what not to do so he doesn't get upset. But then when you do accidently do it, he silences you and won't allow you to communicate. No matter what you do, you lose.

As we told you in the other thread, this is his issue. Don't take ownership of it. It's his responsibility, not yours.

And honestly there isn't anything you can do, because if you stop doing x then he'll start responding the same way when you do y, or z. He doesn't want to talk openly or hear anything because he would have to admit to having problems and he would have to commit to working on them. And he doesn't want to. As I said, he's in denial.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 36

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 8:07:26 PM

koutou

Posts: 8
Joined: 1/19/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella

i'm struggling in this relationship between being assertive and submitting.

He didn't answer, but said he knew he was pushing my buttons.

i am to tell him how important it is to me and to remind him that he promised to listen and try to talk openly.

Hello his sweet bella,

i can not help but play this image out in my head and i can only imagine the actual verbage that was spoken.

The parts i quoted speak volumes to me.

In my mind he is not wanting you to give up, but to keep talking. to concentrate through the passion and to keep to the promise of reminding him.

Pushing your buttons... maybe he enjoys the reaction.. seeing you flee.

Maybe you can do what i would do, Write it down and leave in on the toilet when you know he's going in for while! lol

One thing you may try is speaking of different tough things. Maybe something that you've worked through before and use that same template to approach this subject.

One question though. Has he used the kissing to thwart you before? Or is this something new.

koutou

(in reply to hissweetbella)

Post #: 37

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/18/2008 8:45:34 PM

Daddyslilpookie

Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UncleNasty

I prefer open communication, for myself and my partner. I work diligently at it both as a speaker and as a listener. I've not found another way that renders consistenly positive results in terms of problem solving or conflict resolution.

Telling you he is always open and then shutting you down in mid sentence is a bit of saying one thing and doing another. I don't tolerate that behavior in others and I do my utmost not to act in those ways myself. It is so much easier when you say what you mean and do what you say.

Uncle Nasty

I totally agree here, communication is the key to any problem or relationship D/s or other. He needs to communicate with you and vice versa. I think shutting you down is really disrespectful slave or not. You need to be able to commuicate.

_____________________________

Princess Andie

"A Woman Loves Only Her Master"

(in reply to UncleNasty)

Post #: 38

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/19/2008 2:12:06 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
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bella, it's my understanding from all this that your Sir has issues which He will need to face if He's to ever hope to hold down any kind of lasting, meaningful relationship...and especially, if He's to avoid allowing the Ds relationship to slip into abuse.

In this Sir's opinion passive aggressive behaviour is not an attractive trait in a Dominant. To My mind, it's a sign of emotional weakness He can ill afford to hang onto.

Perhaps you might handle the issues by striving to work on your own distress at his behaviour. He may begin to draw some emotional strength from your display of the same.

From experience, I've been far more impressed by a swift "Yes Master" when my girl's hit a raw nerve than by her continuing to dig for a response I'm not willing or able to express at that particular moment.

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to Daddyslilpookie)

Post #: 39

RE: How did i handle this and what could i do better? - 4/19/2008 3:33:20 AM

hissweetbella

Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: koutou

One question though. Has he used the kissing to thwart you before? Or is this something new.

koutou

This is the first time he has done that.

(in reply to koutou)

Post #: 40

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