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Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 12:29:32 PM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		As you read this please keep in mind that I have 2 tabs of Vicodin running thru my system so forgive me if I don't make the most sense.

I've been to play parties before both as a collared and un-collared slave.  This particular event was different because I went with the intent of actually participating.  I've never participated in a play party or demonstration I'm more of a voyeur.  But, I have this theory that my shyness is one of the things holding me back so I'm gonna have to force myself out of my safety zone so I go with a two sided plan.

The plan was pretty simple find someone I trust, step outside my safety zone and ask him/her to make me cry...that easy right?  WRONG!!!

First of all, it takes me forever and a day to get the nerve up to ask a friend if I can borrow her Dom for a few minutes, the purpose of course mentioned above to help me cry, I don't need laid, with everything going on with J and Sam's funeral I need to cry.  Easiest way to acheive this is to hurt as much on the outside as I do on the inside.

So, finally I work up the nerve to ask a friend and she's more then happy to loan me her Master with his approval of course so I manage to whisper ever so nervously "help me" thinking he's gonna beat my ass till I cry, then I'll feel better only he doesn't help in the way I thought he would.  Instead he takes me outside and just stands there hugging me and while I didn't burst into hysterical tears it somehow helped.  So, my first play party wasn't exactly what I thought it would be but I wouldn't call it a bust either.

I've been thinking about the experiance today (probably not the wisest thing in my heavily medicated state) and I came to this revelation about expectations.

I expect to know my needs more then my partner...Not always true
I expect my partner to know what I need without my having to ask...Not always true

I expect I will have to bend my expectations to find someone who can fulfill my dreams...probably getting pretty close with that one.

Today, I know that in my desperation to get past my childhood angst when it comes to crying in front of others I may have pushed myself too far and possibly into a situation that could have been dangerous mentally and physically.  But, I'm blessed to have kind souls watching out for me.

dang it, I was on to something but I think I lost it somewhere in translation.  Aw well it will come to me when the meds wear off.

So, anyways I'm pumped and pretty proud of myself it may be baby steps but at least its a step forward.

Haven

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 12:33:59 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		You are too young to be so wise.
I'll pray for you, hun.
And aren't you lucky to have such good friends?
What a wonderful dom and a wonderful sub to know.
I know you don't believe it, but I believe that you will find the strength you need inside you.
Wishing you peace and love,



_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 12:48:57 PM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		Well, at least someone gets me and I love ya for it. *hugs*

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 12:59:32 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I always look for your posts. And I think about the situation you're living and just admire your strength and dedication.


_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 1:06:39 PM   
LordVelvet


Posts: 311
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for posting. I can relate to some of those feelings. At least you are feeling them and taking the time to really look at things. I am a Switch and always have to ask to borrow someone. I have some great friend who help when I can ask. It now makes twice in six years. I too will add you to the prayer list {friendly hug}
LordVelvet

_____________________________

It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not - Van Zant

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
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RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 1:14:41 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		i wish You were closer to me because i must tell You that i (big ol baby as i apparently am) started to cry as i read Your post. You are handeling so much, and You are doing so with such grace and dignity.  You are such an awesome example for a lot of us, i hope You know that. Please feel free to PM me if You ever need to talk.
Kali


_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


(in reply to LilMissHaven)
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RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 1:23:35 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		LilMissHaven,

We have spoken, you know how I feel.

I am So Proud of you for stepping out of your Box, and even trying to process it. Leaps and Bounds lil bit, Leaps and Bounds.

I see you as being something that has yet to discover it's full self. I see you seeing what you are capable of and getting those "Ah, Ha!!" Moments a lot lately.

I wish you knew just how amazing this is going to be when you get to look back on it and see where it all started moving foreward.

Take care of yourself I am praying for you... all the time.

Steel

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Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to LordVelvet)
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RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 1:24:54 PM   
Arrrchibald


Posts: 350
Joined: 1/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilMissHaven
I expect to know my needs more then my partner...Not always true
I expect my partner to know what I need without my having to ask...Not always true

I expect I will have to bend my expectations to find someone who can fulfill my dreams...probably getting pretty close with that one.

No one knows everything about themselves no matter how brilliant and experienced they are. 

Six or seven years ago, I had absolutely no idea I'd be the person I am today.  My desires, plans and beliefs are all vastly different than they used to be. 



(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 1:34:28 PM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline 		i'm struggling not to cry after reading your post, haven.

if i were alone, i'd let loose, but ahh with wolf still home, he makes fun of me, you know?

yes, your post made sense.  i went for 4 years so cold inside that i couldnt cry.  the day i did finally thaw,  i cried for 3 hours.  and i had a very good male friend who did just as that dominant did for you, he held me and let me cry. 

its a release MUCH different than a "scening" release, tears from pain, but one that is needed, nonetheless.

*hugs*  i am glad to see you are keeping care of yourself.

kitten

(in reply to Arrrchibald)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 1:38:19 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		i'm glad you got what you needed out of the deal!!!!

had it been me, i would have been crying when he hugged me out of anger; anger that he caused by not giving me the pain i wanted/needed. when i take all the steps that you did to step outside of my 'safety/comfort zone', and don't walk away getting even a taste of what i went there for, then i want to go out and beat the shit out of a wall or something from pent-up frustration. i'm such a girl that way, ha, ha, ha!

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 2:38:00 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Cathartic release is a huge part of what I do on the spiritual side of SM. It's very powerful! While I know it's wonderful to have friends such as yours, I hope you find someone who understands the process of cathartic release. *hugs*

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 3:05:09 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		no shit, if it weren't for the sadists that do understand, i'd have killed someone by now due to lack of release!

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 6:54:36 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I think it's great that you ended up with a good experience, but I also think you set your sights a little high.  I'm not sure why you felt this particular "first part" (?) needed to be where you found someone you'd never played with before to take you someplace you've never been before.  Your gamble seems to have mostly paid off and that's great, but examine the process as well as the results.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
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RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 7:36:55 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		 Humans are complex creatures.
 
Acceptance only means that they can understand the same things in you that are in themselves. And have no fear.

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My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 11:00:27 PM   
MzHard


Posts: 30
Joined: 2/19/2004
Status: offline 		vicodin is not the answer for agnst

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 11:11:36 PM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		MzHard, how about you stop trying to rack up the post counter and figure out wtf the post is about before you start typing.

(in reply to MzHard)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/14/2008 11:34:26 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*hugs* Haven...

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/15/2008 4:41:04 AM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzHard

vicodin is not the answer for agnst


Actually, the Vicodin is for my broken foot.  I was just too excited to wait until it wore off to post about my adventure this weekend.

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to MzHard)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/15/2008 4:45:24 AM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LordVelvet

Thank you for posting. I can relate to some of those feelings. At least you are feeling them and taking the time to really look at things. I am a Switch and always have to ask to borrow someone. I have some great friend who help when I can ask. It now makes twice in six years. I too will add you to the prayer list {friendly hug}
LordVelvet


Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.  Right now I don't have a enough to give another person and dread the thought of another person expecting something out of me so the easiest way to get what I need is to "borrow" someone who has what they already need in their life.

Haven

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to LordVelvet)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Stepping out of my safety zone - 4/15/2008 4:50:40 AM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

i wish You were closer to me because i must tell You that i (big ol baby as i apparently am) started to cry as i read Your post. You are handeling so much, and You are doing so with such grace and dignity.  You are such an awesome example for a lot of us, i hope You know that. Please feel free to PM me if You ever need to talk.
Kali



I meant my post to be upbeat and to get the excitement I'm feeling across I'm sorry that I caused you to cry.  I'm just tired of being stuck in this "my life sucks boohoo" cycle and have decided to do something about it.  I also want to thank you for your offer to talk, its not often that other slaves want to listen and I'm not entirely comfortable speaking with Doms about some of the feelings I'm experiancing.

Haven

ps I'm not a very good example for anyone...What you don't see here is the panicked me trying to please everyone running around in circles screaming "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"  Its easy to come off as all put together in font a whole other story when it comes to the reality of day to day life.

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 20
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