quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I think perhaps the thing to do is for both of you to work on WHY you feel the way you feel about emotions. They are not good or bad and you cannot force anyone to feel something they choose not to feel. So, if you're angry with the bagger at the grocery store for putting your bread on the bottom, there's no need for your sub to be angry as well. Just because you feel crappy in the morning doesn't mean that your boy should, too, nor does it give you an excuse to be a certain way. It is a REASON why you might react some way, but it doesn't excuse your behavior.

We each have our own stuff and we act and react to it. We can control how we act and react. When we figure out a little better how emotions work and why we have them, we can begin to take some responsibility for our own actions and reactions to the things around us. Then we can work on having emotional maturity. We don't take on other's emotions that we don't want and we don't feel guilty about having our own.

Master Fire

quote:

ORIGINAL: TysGalilah

Good Morning MofGa
 
...I will apologize upfront for any rambling or excessive length this response may morph into LOL
this is a topic I have much personal experience with and tend to "go off on" ..so
I will try my best to keep it contained.
 
  My mother ( ohhh don'cha just love responses that start that way? )  was a cupboard slammer.
  If mom needed help in the kitchen, rather than saying or asking > she'd send not so subtle indications of that.
  SLAM !   I would jump....Mom? do you need my help??   "Ohhhh well since you're here...yes  you can help."
 
If she was upset...her face, her posture, her actions would indicate that, but not her words or her voice.
Its called passive-aggressive and her picture is by the definition in the dictionary..
 
Emotions were never discussed in that household..and certainly not in words....so feelings were suppressed  and I became trained to "read a person"  rather than ask or listen to how they were feeling.
 
I grew into what some may call an empath and some would call a co-dependant.
 
and
I had to be re-trained eventually how NOT to do exactly what she taught me so well to do.
 
Somewhere in my 30's ( I am 50 now) I began noticing that MY young children were watching me intently...reacting to my facial expression...asking me  if I was ok? because I loooooked angry?
red flag  went off and I had to take a hard look at myself...and how I was ( or wasnt) handling my emotions and reactions.
 
skip ahead 7 yrs, after some serious personal work and what I felt was progress and better behaviors:
 
I am still trying hard to differentiate between compassion, empathy and emotion-dependant...doing a better job of balancing and handling how to react to other peoples feelings and emotions w/o making them mine or my responsibility to take care of ( or fix  groan ) .
Enter:
  my submission to a dominant.
My intuition, empathy, ability to read what someone else needed and wanted before they asked or spoke> Kicked into over-drive, once again.
AND  I was highly praised for this behavior!  wow
 
It turned out to be a Top/bottom situation more than I realized or understood at the time, but he was a man dis-connected from his feelings, didn't know how ( or want to for that matter ) to make me express mine openly...and I WANTED AND NEEDED to please him.....so I read him.  Watched his every move and mood....and I crashed and burned with my co-dependant behaviors.
 
2 years..having removed myself from a submissive mind-set because I didn't know how to balance that ....and some more work on Cyndi
Enter:
Tyson
Fortunately, the man is a master communicator.
Completely intouch with his emotions and feelings and can express them well and knows how to effectively bring that out in others.

I was honest with him about my past....my last attempt at submission and my hesitance ( but intense need to as well ) to enter into it again.....He knew how to help me find my balance.
 
It was actually a very good lesson in my submission and  learning to not control...not project...not anticipate..
Just feel and
trust that if he was feeling something he needed me to know about HE would tell me...
it took a while to trust that ability in him....having been around so many who didnt know how to communicate their feelings so openly and so well.
but it has been the most healing and freeing of experiences for me.
 
From your other posts on this thread, you mention not putting your pup in that situation and that you do communicate well..
: )
imo
I think it is a fine line submissives walk..
and easily crossed..
wanting to please and serve your wants and desires..but NOT take back the control in our anticipating them.
 
 caring for the needs you express but not taking care of your emotions and feelings....tricky stuff.
 
we like our dominant ones  happy : ) and feeling good ...satisfyed.....its hard to see you unhappy..or dealing with emotions we cannot (and should not) be responsible for.
 
devotion to serve intensifies emotions..and blurrs the lines that would, in other scenarios, be met with healthy emotional boundaries..   as JustMe  also mentioned in his response.
 
Hard to balance...but not impossible.
 
Cyndi
 

quote:

ORIGINAL: MladyHathor

Smiles, people who feel a deep attachment to us tend to feel that defense mechanism when we feel stress---children or submissives--the thing here is to temper how much we show them and to insure that what we do show warrants their involvement.

quote:

One of the first thoughts that went through my head in reading this, is that if I took on the emotions that he was feeling at any particular time, then I would be focusing on me and not on him.  If something happens to him that upsets him, the focus should be on him and not on me.  It would be inappropriate of me to act in a way that would take the focus off of him.  It is about him, not me.

quote:

think how many times you have tried to shelter Pup from the negatives of the world. Do you really think he could do any less for you? The hardest part is stepping back and letting the other fight their own battles. It is the hardest lesson parents learn regarding their kids, and frankly the hardest one for anyone to learn. We have to let the other person in our lives own their emotions, fight their own battles and at the same time recognize it is ok to feel angry, sad, etc. for them, just not take the emotion over.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

quote:

ORIGINAL: TysGalilah

Good Morning MofGa
 
...I will apologize upfront for any rambling or excessive length this response may morph into LOL
this is a topic I have much personal experience with and tend to "go off on" ..so
I will try my best to keep it contained.
 
  My mother ( ohhh don'cha just love responses that start that way? )  was a cupboard slammer.
  If mom needed help in the kitchen, rather than saying or asking > she'd send not so subtle indications of that.
  SLAM !   I would jump....Mom? do you need my help??   "Ohhhh well since you're here...yes  you can help."
 
If she was upset...her face, her posture, her actions would indicate that, but not her words or her voice.
Its called passive-aggressive and her picture is by the definition in the dictionary..
 
Emotions were never discussed in that household..and certainly not in words....so feelings were suppressed  and I became trained to "read a person"  rather than ask or listen to how they were feeling.
 
I grew into what some may call an empath and some would call a co-dependant.
 
and
I had to be re-trained eventually how NOT to do exactly what she taught me so well to do.
 
Somewhere in my 30's ( I am 50 now) I began noticing that MY young children were watching me intently...reacting to my facial expression...asking me  if I was ok? because I loooooked angry?
red flag  went off and I had to take a hard look at myself...and how I was ( or wasnt) handling my emotions and reactions.
 
skip ahead 7 yrs, after some serious personal work and what I felt was progress and better behaviors:
 
I am still trying hard to differentiate between compassion, empathy and emotion-dependant...doing a better job of balancing and handling how to react to other peoples feelings and emotions w/o making them mine or my responsibility to take care of ( or fix  groan ) .
Enter:
  my submission to a dominant.
My intuition, empathy, ability to read what someone else needed and wanted before they asked or spoke> Kicked into over-drive, once again.
AND  I was highly praised for this behavior!  wow
 
It turned out to be a Top/bottom situation more than I realized or understood at the time, but he was a man dis-connected from his feelings, didn't know how ( or want to for that matter ) to make me express mine openly...and I WANTED AND NEEDED to please him.....so I read him.  Watched his every move and mood....and I crashed and burned with my co-dependant behaviors.
 
2 years..having removed myself from a submissive mind-set because I didn't know how to balance that ....and some more work on Cyndi
Enter:
Tyson
Fortunately, the man is a master communicator.
Completely intouch with his emotions and feelings and can express them well and knows how to effectively bring that out in others.

I was honest with him about my past....my last attempt at submission and my hesitance ( but intense need to as well ) to enter into it again.....He knew how to help me find my balance.
 
It was actually a very good lesson in my submission and  learning to not control...not project...not anticipate..
Just feel and
trust that if he was feeling something he needed me to know about HE would tell me...
it took a while to trust that ability in him....having been around so many who didnt know how to communicate their feelings so openly and so well.
but it has been the most healing and freeing of experiences for me.
 
From your other posts on this thread, you mention not putting your pup in that situation and that you do communicate well..
: )
imo
I think it is a fine line submissives walk..
and easily crossed..
wanting to please and serve your wants and desires..but NOT take back the control in our anticipating them.
 
 caring for the needs you express but not taking care of your emotions and feelings....tricky stuff.
 
we like our dominant ones  happy : ) and feeling good ...satisfyed.....its hard to see you unhappy..or dealing with emotions we cannot (and should not) be responsible for.
 
devotion to serve intensifies emotions..and blurrs the lines that would, in other scenarios, be met with healthy emotional boundaries..   as JustMe  also mentioned in his response.
 
Hard to balance...but not impossible.
 
Cyndi
 

Cyndi,
I read your response several times. If I didn't know any better, I would think you were inside my mind and writing how I feel. Your post was beautifully written with grace and empathy. Thank you so much for sharing. I know it couldn't have been easy.

MoGa

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa
That is one thing I have always admired about you and Alandra, is your ability (Or is it training?) to keep your focus on your Lord.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

It's their expectation!  not just for dealing with me but for anyone they deal with.  It is no value to just feel what another feels.  It is of value to feel what is required to be of the best help/assistance etc for the person.  When I am angry... the last thing I want from them is to feel angry just because I am angry... it might be that they will... but then they might need to be calm, for me or maybe sad.