quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

K,
I am so happy that you posted here. I was really interested in what the other side of the slash thought about this.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

quote:


It is interesting to note that you understood my behavior as a child stemmed from self survival. That's cool.

quote:

Why do you think it is impossible for you to feel for your owner?

Besides, “feeling” for someone else, is like peeing for someone else; I can give it my best, but I don’t think it will help.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

K,
I am so happy that you posted here. I was really interested in what the other side of the slash thought about this.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

quote:


It is interesting to note that you understood my behavior as a child stemmed from self survival. That's cool.


Mom is a special kind of person. ;) Though I must add in her defense, one who has changed a lot since those days.

quote:

Why do you think it is impossible for you to feel for your owner?


Our emotions are based on our perception, which is made up from our (perceived) experiences; no one’s is exactly the same. Even when we agree on things, we do not always agree for the same reasons.

I can sense how others feel, but I can never really know why they feel the way the do.

I am extremely good at guessing, by what I observe, past experience, and reasoning. I also believe that I am often correct in my assessments, due to how the person I am relating to responds to what I say; but can never know that I know. Nor can I rely on what another person gives as a reason for their emotions.

Sometimes, like with my mother, they don’t really know themselves.

I can empathize, but the input that causes this to happen, is still filtered through my perception to get there.

Besides, “feeling” for someone else, is like peeing for someone else; I can give it my best, but I don’t think it will help.

Hope this helps.


Adding; I would rather someone understand how I feel, then to try to feel for me; it is better that they stay up, in order to help me back up, then to be dragged down by me.

k

< Message edited by charmdpetKeira -- 4/8/2008 7:46:48 AM >

_____________________________

Life is tough, that does not mean it isn't fair.

Desire; inspire it, and they will cum.

(in reply to MistressOfGa)
Profile Report | Post #: 21


RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 8:13:31 AM


catize
Wicked




Posts: 1139
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: online For many years I would take on feeling responsible for other people’s emotional states when in reality it was out of my control. I find I can offer a better form of support when I can acknowledge their feelings but don’t get bogged down in whatever they are experiencing. Eventually I learned to step away from the emotions while asking how I could help. Depending on the person and circumstances, I can offer diversions if they want to be diverted. (a listening ear, a massage, ice cream………..) or if they want to be left alone for awhile, that’s okay too.
Perhaps you can suggest things to him; i.e. “I’m feeling xyz right now and this is how you can help.”

_____________________________

No good deed goes unpunished.

(in reply to MistressOfGa)
Profile Report | Post #: 22


RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 8:16:41 AM


metamorpha
Curious




Posts: 29
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: online Transferance of emotions often seems to happen most easily to those with a low self esteem or a background of abuse or neglect. In other cases the person just has a natural empathy.

As with anything else in the lifestyle, communication is vital. You may want to sit down with your sub and explain that you notice that he quickly picks up on any emotion that you seem to be feeling and ask him why he thinks that is. See if he had a background of abuse or neglect, or someone that he was afraid of or trying especially hard to please during his formative years. Gently explain that he has a right to his own emotions, and as much as you appreciate that he seems to mirror your mood that it certainly isn't expected of him.

It is good that you are showing empathy towards him because of your own childhood experience. From your calm and thoughtful manner it seems that you should be able to do well with this.


(in reply to MistressOfGa)
Profile Report | Post #: 23


RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 8:23:40 AM


TysGalilah
Twisted





Posts: 259
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline Good Morning MofGa

...I will apologize upfront for any rambling or excessive length this response may morph into LOL
this is a topic I have much personal experience with and tend to "go off on" ..so
I will try my best to keep it contained.

My mother ( ohhh don'cha just love responses that start that way? ) was a cupboard slammer.
If mom needed help in the kitchen, rather than saying or asking > she'd send not so subtle indications of that.
SLAM ! I would jump....Mom? do you need my help?? "Ohhhh well since you're here...yes you can help."

If she was upset...her face, her posture, her actions would indicate that, but not her words or her voice.
Its called passive-aggressive and her picture is by the definition in the dictionary..

Emotions were never discussed in that household..and certainly not in words....so feelings were suppressed and I became trained to "read a person" rather than ask or listen to how they were feeling.

I grew into what some may call an empath and some would call a co-dependant.

and
I had to be re-trained eventually how NOT to do exactly what she taught me so well to do.

Somewhere in my 30's ( I am 50 now) I began noticing that MY young children were watching me intently...reacting to my facial expression...asking me if I was ok? because I loooooked angry?
red flag went off and I had to take a hard look at myself...and how I was ( or wasnt) handling my emotions and reactions.

skip ahead 7 yrs, after some serious personal work and what I felt was progress and better behaviors:

I am still trying hard to differentiate between compassion, empathy and emotion-dependant...doing a better job of balancing and handling how to react to other peoples feelings and emotions w/o making them mine or my responsibility to take care of ( or fix groan ) .
Enter:
my submission to a dominant.
My intuition, empathy, ability to read what someone else needed and wanted before they asked or spoke> Kicked into over-drive, once again.
AND I was highly praised for this behavior! wow

It turned out to be a Top/bottom situation more than I realized or understood at the time, but he was a man dis-connected from his feelings, didn't know how ( or want to for that matter ) to make me express mine openly...and I WANTED AND NEEDED to please him.....so I read him. Watched his every move and mood....and I crashed and burned with my co-dependant behaviors.

2 years..having removed myself from a submissive mind-set because I didn't know how to balance that ....and some more work on Cyndi
Enter:
Tyson
Fortunately, the man is a master communicator.
Completely intouch with his emotions and feelings and can express them well and knows how to effectively bring that out in others.

I was honest with him about my past....my last attempt at submission and my hesitance ( but intense need to as well ) to enter into it again.....He knew how to help me find my balance.

It was actually a very good lesson in my submission and learning to not control...not project...not anticipate..
Just feel and
trust that if he was feeling something he needed me to know about HE would tell me...
it took a while to trust that ability in him....having been around so many who didnt know how to communicate their feelings so openly and so well.
but it has been the most healing and freeing of experiences for me.

From your other posts on this thread, you mention not putting your pup in that situation and that you do communicate well..
: )
imo
I think it is a fine line submissives walk..
and easily crossed..
wanting to please and serve your wants and desires..but NOT take back the control in our anticipating them.

caring for the needs you express but not taking care of your emotions and feelings....tricky stuff.

we like our dominant ones happy : ) and feeling good ...satisfyed.....its hard to see you unhappy..or dealing with emotions we cannot (and should not) be responsible for.

devotion to serve intensifies emotions..and blurrs the lines that would, in other scenarios, be met with healthy emotional boundaries.. as JustMe also mentioned in his response.

Hard to balance...but not impossible.

Cyndi






_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton


(in reply to MistressOfGa)
Profile Report | Post #: 24


RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 9:07:46 AM


StormsSlave
Twisted




Posts: 288
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: online MoGa...
I think this is true in all relationships, with or without the d/s dynamic. My Lord gets sad when I am sad, I get angry when he is angry. If you are close to the person you are with, and in tune to one another's emotions, there is bound to be some transferrence there. It even happened with my children when they were young. If I was cranky, the WHOLE house was cranky...lol.

Thanks for a personal and thought provoking thread.

_____________________________

"Did it feel good? Do it again."

People take pleasure in anything they say; but a word at the right time, how good it is! (Mishlei) Proverbs 15:23




(in reply to TysGalilah)
Profile Report | Post #: 25


RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 9:23:04 AM

quote:

ORIGINAL: StormsSlave

MoGa...
I think this is true in all relationships, with or without the d/s dynamic.  My Lord gets sad when I am sad, I get angry when he is angry.  If you are close to the person you are with, and in tune to one another's emotions, there is bound to be some transferrence there.  It even happened with my children when they were young.  If I was cranky, the WHOLE house was cranky...lol.

Thanks for a personal and thought provoking thread.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MladyHathor

the thing here is to temper how much we show them and to insure that what we do show warrants their involvement.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

*hugs* lovely lady...

for me.. I know I tend to project emotions.. due to esteem issues. It took me a while to know that the people that care deeply for me will often get angrier than *I* am because they see it differently than I do.. remember - pup is seeing it through YOUR eyes and he's likely to be pissed on your behalf!  Truism: his side, her side, the truth :)

And since pup is so tuned in to you then your emotions are going to be VERY visible to him..

ok, stopping now, cause I'm about to start rambling..LOL

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

I sometimes look at my sub and I wonder just how much of his emotions are a direct result of how I am feeling.

I hate to think that my boy waits each morning to see what "face" I have on, before approaching me. This is something I need to work on with him, because I don't want to own his emotions. I love his individualism and his gentle personality.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

K,
I am so happy that you posted here. I was really interested in what the other side of the slash thought about this.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

quote:


It is interesting to note that you understood my behavior as a child stemmed from self survival. That's cool.


Mom is a special kind of person. ;) Though I must add in her defense, one who has changed a lot since those days.

quote:

Why do you think it is impossible for you to feel for your owner?


Our emotions are based on our perception, which is made up from our (perceived) experiences; no one’s is exactly the same. Even when we agree on things, we do not always agree for the same reasons.

I can sense how others feel, but I can never really know why they feel the way the do.

I am extremely good at guessing, by what I observe, past experience, and reasoning. I also believe that I am often correct in my assessments, due to how the person I am relating to responds to what I say; but can never know that I know. Nor can I rely on what another person gives as a reason for their emotions.

Sometimes, like with my mother, they don’t really know themselves.

I can empathize, but the input that causes this to happen, is still filtered through my perception to get there.

Besides, “feeling” for someone else, is like peeing for someone else; I can give it my best, but I don’t think it will help.

Hope this helps.


Adding; I would rather someone understand how I feel, then to try to feel for me; it is better that they stay up, in order to help me back up, then to be dragged down by me.

k

< Message edited by charmdpetKeira -- 4/8/2008 7:46:48 AM >

_____________________________

Life is tough, that does not mean it isn't fair.

Desire; inspire it, and they will cum.

(in reply to MistressOfGa)
Profile Report | Post #: 21


RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 8:13:31 AM


catize
Wicked




Posts: 1139
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: online For many years I would take on feeling responsible for other people’s emotional states when in reality it was out of my control. I find I can offer a better form of support when I can acknowledge their feelings but don’t get bogged down in whatever they are experiencing. Eventually I learned to step away from the emotions while asking how I could help. Depending on the person and circumstances, I can offer diversions if they want to be diverted. (a listening ear, a massage, ice cream………..) or if they want to be left alone for awhile, that’s okay too.
Perhaps you can suggest things to him; i.e. “I’m feeling xyz right now and this is how you can help.”

_____________________________

No good deed goes unpunished.

(in reply to MistressOfGa)
Profile Report | Post #: 22


RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 8:16:41 AM


metamorpha
Curious




Posts: 29
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: online Transferance of emotions often seems to happen most easily to those with a low self esteem or a background of abuse or neglect. In other cases the person just has a natural empathy.

As with anything else in the lifestyle, communication is vital. You may want to sit down with your sub and explain that you notice that he quickly picks up on any emotion that you seem to be feeling and ask him why he thinks that is. See if he had a background of abuse or neglect, or someone that he was afraid of or trying especially hard to please during his formative years. Gently explain that he has a right to his own emotions, and as much as you appreciate that he seems to mirror your mood that it certainly isn't expected of him.

It is good that you are showing empathy towards him because of your own childhood experience. From your calm and thoughtful manner it seems that you should be able to do well with this.


(in reply to MistressOfGa)
Profile Report | Post #: 23


RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 8:23:40 AM


TysGalilah
Twisted





Posts: 259
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline Good Morning MofGa

...I will apologize upfront for any rambling or excessive length this response may morph into LOL
this is a topic I have much personal experience with and tend to "go off on" ..so
I will try my best to keep it contained.

My mother ( ohhh don'cha just love responses that start that way? ) was a cupboard slammer.
If mom needed help in the kitchen, rather than saying or asking > she'd send not so subtle indications of that.
SLAM ! I would jump....Mom? do you need my help?? "Ohhhh well since you're here...yes you can help."

If she was upset...her face, her posture, her actions would indicate that, but not her words or her voice.
Its called passive-aggressive and her picture is by the definition in the dictionary..

Emotions were never discussed in that household..and certainly not in words....so feelings were suppressed and I became trained to "read a person" rather than ask or listen to how they were feeling.

I grew into what some may call an empath and some would call a co-dependant.

and
I had to be re-trained eventually how NOT to do exactly what she taught me so well to do.

Somewhere in my 30's ( I am 50 now) I began noticing that MY young children were watching me intently...reacting to my facial expression...asking me if I was ok? because I loooooked angry?
red flag went off and I had to take a hard look at myself...and how I was ( or wasnt) handling my emotions and reactions.

skip ahead 7 yrs, after some serious personal work and what I felt was progress and better behaviors:

I am still trying hard to differentiate between compassion, empathy and emotion-dependant...doing a better job of balancing and handling how to react to other peoples feelings and emotions w/o making them mine or my responsibility to take care of ( or fix groan ) .
Enter:
my submission to a dominant.
My intuition, empathy, ability to read what someone else needed and wanted before they asked or spoke> Kicked into over-drive, once again.
AND I was highly praised for this behavior! wow

It turned out to be a Top/bottom situation more than I realized or understood at the time, but he was a man dis-connected from his feelings, didn't know how ( or want to for that matter ) to make me express mine openly...and I WANTED AND NEEDED to please him.....so I read him. Watched his every move and mood....and I crashed and burned with my co-dependant behaviors.

2 years..having removed myself from a submissive mind-set because I didn't know how to balance that ....and some more work on Cyndi
Enter:
Tyson
Fortunately, the man is a master communicator.
Completely intouch with his emotions and feelings and can express them well and knows how to effectively bring that out in others.

I was honest with him about my past....my last attempt at submission and my hesitance ( but intense need to as well ) to enter into it again.....He knew how to help me find my balance.

It was actually a very good lesson in my submission and learning to not control...not project...not anticipate..
Just feel and
trust that if he was feeling something he needed me to know about HE would tell me...
it took a while to trust that ability in him....having been around so many who didnt know how to communicate their feelings so openly and so well.
but it has been the most healing and freeing of experiences for me.

From your other posts on this thread, you mention not putting your pup in that situation and that you do communicate well..
: )
imo
I think it is a fine line submissives walk..
and easily crossed..
wanting to please and serve your wants and desires..but NOT take back the control in our anticipating them.

caring for the needs you express but not taking care of your emotions and feelings....tricky stuff.

we like our dominant ones happy : ) and feeling good ...satisfyed.....its hard to see you unhappy..or dealing with emotions we cannot (and should not) be responsible for.

devotion to serve intensifies emotions..and blurrs the lines that would, in other scenarios, be met with healthy emotional boundaries.. as JustMe also mentioned in his response.

Hard to balance...but not impossible.

Cyndi






_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton


(in reply to MistressOfGa)
Profile Report | Post #: 24


RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 9:07:46 AM


StormsSlave
Twisted




Posts: 288
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: online MoGa...
I think this is true in all relationships, with or without the d/s dynamic. My Lord gets sad when I am sad, I get angry when he is angry. If you are close to the person you are with, and in tune to one another's emotions, there is bound to be some transferrence there. It even happened with my children when they were young. If I was cranky, the WHOLE house was cranky...lol.

Thanks for a personal and thought provoking thread.

_____________________________

"Did it feel good? Do it again."

People take pleasure in anything they say; but a word at the right time, how good it is! (Mishlei) Proverbs 15:23




(in reply to TysGalilah)
Profile Report | Post #: 25


RE: Emotions: Who Owns Them? - 4/8/2008 9:23:04 AM

quote:

ORIGINAL: StormsSlave

MoGa...
I think this is true in all relationships, with or without the d/s dynamic.  My Lord gets sad when I am sad, I get angry when he is angry.  If you are close to the person you are with, and in tune to one another's emotions, there is bound to be some transferrence there.  It even happened with my children when they were young.  If I was cranky, the WHOLE house was cranky...lol.

Thanks for a personal and thought provoking thread.

BRAVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

quote:

ORIGINAL: pupofMoGa

I agree with you StormsSlave, that a submissive deeply engaged with their Dominant will be in tune with Their emotions and in turn would share what They feel.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

If I were to choose to feel something simply because he felt it, then I would be demonstrating a lack of knowledge and insight about him.