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Huh???? - 4/2/2008 5:38:55 AM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

A couple of weeks ago, i started chatting with a local dom i met here. He said he understood my need to go slow and indeed didn't push.

Last week he suggested that we meet for coffee and i agreed, adding that this coming Friday would be good as i'm still recovering from minor hip surgery.

I then heard nothing from him for 4 days, so i messaged him asking what was going on and asking whether he was still interested. I got an answer stating that he hadn't disappeared, he had assumed that i wasn't really interested because - get this - my messages had always been too short..

Needless to say that made me angry because the thing to do would have been to ask if i was still interested and talk things out. Yes, i do admit that my messages were short, but what they lacked in length they more than made up for in enthusiasm.

I told him that i couldn't see myself with a dom who is incapable of communicating what he's feeling and got a reply of "yeah i thought so" I wrote back " oh no don't you DARE put this on me, you're the one who disappeared instead of asking a simple question" and got the reply "yes or no"......need i say the answer was no?

I find this really frustrating. I'm direct and honest, if someone isn't right for me, i say so. That way he doesn't waste time thinking that we will have a relationship, friendship or whatever. Personally i suspect, but cannot prove, that he found someone willing to go faster and just won't admit it.

In my profile, i am quite explicit about how i want things to go, so it shouldn't be a surprise to those who see my profile. I also explain the reason behind my need for things to go slow (prior experience with a psycho pseudo-dom) so that those who want things to progress at a faster rate won't waste time with me and will move on.

Why is that so hard for some doms to understand? I think that a relationship with a good solid base of friendship is more likely to last..

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

Post #: 1

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 5:44:42 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

The assumption is that all doms are looking for a relationship. Some are, some arent. Keep that in mind when you meet people. Some need their ego fluffed constantly prior to meeting, so they believe they are Gods gift to you and that you are honored to be their chosen one. Short messages mean you arent spending nearly enough time daydreaming about the wonderous meeting you will be having, and therefore he cannot exceed your already high expectations by being greater than you ever thought.
In other words, not one of the better reasons to back out, but an excuse none the less. He may have met someone willing to move faster, he may have met someone not as interested in a relationship, he may have been put off by the idea of hip surgery... you name it. Point being he was put off and ratehr than saying so he gave you a very obvious BS reason.
Live and learn. At least you knew enough not to kowtow your way back into his good graces. Think of it as one less worry and find someone looking for what you want to give.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 2

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:05:00 AM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

The assumption is that all doms are looking for a relationship. Some are, some arent. Keep that in mind when you meet people. Some need their ego fluffed constantly prior to meeting, so they believe they are Gods gift to you and that you are honored to be their chosen one. Short messages mean you arent spending nearly enough time daydreaming about the wonderous meeting you will be having, and therefore he cannot exceed your already high expectations by being greater than you ever thought.
In other words, not one of the better reasons to back out, but an excuse none the less. He may have met someone willing to move faster, he may have met someone not as interested in a relationship, he may have been put off by the idea of hip surgery... you name it. Point being he was put off and ratehr than saying so he gave you a very obvious BS reason.
Live and learn. At least you knew enough not to kowtow your way back into his good graces. Think of it as one less worry and find someone looking for what you want to give.

DV

Damn it DV, i love your responses, i think i'm in love with you *grin*

Seriously, he said he wanted a relationship, i'm guessing he was thinking of one of those instant ones...who knows, who cares, i'm not wasting time speculating. At least i found out now. As for kowtowing myself back into his good graces, not going to happen. I want a dom but i'm patient enough to wait for the right one and it wasn't him.

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 3

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:13:11 AM

peraspera

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/19/2008
Status: offline

He is simply not the person you hoped him to be. Obviously. That is disappointing. Think of it as you didn't loose anything that you had in the first place. You only thought you had it...

And yes, you are right: Friendship is a good base :-)

So why is it so hard to understand? Because just being dominant does not suspend the usual short comings of human nature. People feel insecure; Don't know what to say. They like to fool themselves; Are insincere; cowardly, even at times. Some more so than others. Dominant or not.

Cheers & best wishes, Per.

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 4

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:14:07 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

I've been on the recieving end of short answer syndrome and honestly, I can't remain interested in a person if I'm the one constantly maintaining communication.

I've had enough experience with people when communication flows naturally to know that if it's forced it's not something I want to continue to maintain.

I've also had an indepth debate with a friend who insists that one can judge a woman's interest by the number of questions she asks. I disagree with him on this as I rarely ask cold questions, only qualifying questions to get more detail on a comment made. But I could never convince him so I told him that when initiating contact with a woman he needs to tell her that she has to play 20 questions.

But then again, he always insisted that no one as "pretty" as me could possibly be attracted to a techno-nerd/amature archaeologist like him. *sigh*

Anyway, people have their own communication paradigms and sometimes those paradigms can be overcome and sometimes you just have to chalk it up to incompatibility. I am sure that people who answer with short and consise responses find connections too.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 5

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:16:38 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

This post is moving to slow. Could you ladies speed it up.

(in reply to peraspera)

Post #: 6

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:19:34 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

get this - my messages had always been too short..

I actually can understand that...(talking about the emssages only)
Typed words in short sentences can really give the wrong opinion.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 7

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:21:10 AM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

This post is moving to slow. Could you ladies speed it up.

sorrywearetalkingtooslowforyouisthismoreyourspeed?

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 8

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:23:56 AM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

get this - my messages had always been too short..

I actually can understand that...(talking about the emssages only)
Typed words in short sentences can really give the wrong opinion.

true, but not in this case as we were discussing likes/dislikes only and my answers were highly enthusiastic.

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 9

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:24:12 AM

ifyoudontknow

Posts: 30
Joined: 1/28/2008
Status: offline

to the OP. It's hard to communicate accurately thru typed venue. But if he wanted clarification, he should have stepped up and asked. You did the right thing by not turning into a sniveling cowering lil doll and begging him to pay attention to you. Good luck in your search!! Be safe always..

mel

_____________________________

there is a darkness deep in you... a frightening magic i cling to.....

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 10

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:24:15 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

I think I'd have the same reaction he did.

If you read a few of the female dominant profiles around here.. you'll see the one line emails are usually quickly dismissed...

Unfortunately, sometimes people just don't ask "are you really interested" .. and sometimes words don't matter, but actions do

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 11

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:27:59 AM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

I've been on the recieving end of short answer syndrome and honestly, I can't remain interested in a person if I'm the one constantly maintaining communication.

I've had enough experience with people when communication flows naturally to know that if it's forced it's not something I want to continue to maintain.

I've also had an indepth debate with a friend who insists that one can judge a woman's interest by the number of questions she asks. I disagree with him on this as I rarely ask cold questions, only qualifying questions to get more detail on a comment made. But I could never convince him so I told him that when initiating contact with a woman he needs to tell her that she has to play 20 questions.

But then again, he always insisted that no one as "pretty" as me could possibly be attracted to a techno-nerd/amature archaeologist like him. *sigh*

Anyway, people have their own communication paradigms and sometimes those paradigms can be overcome and sometimes you just have to chalk it up to incompatibility. I am sure that people who answer with short and consise responses find connections too.

I hear what you're saying, but as i said to JustMe, we were just discussing likes/dislikes and what my messages lacked in length they more than made up for in enthusiasm. I maintain that it would have been more honest to find out what was going on than to disappear for 4 days. Certainly it's what i would have done and in fact did after hearing nothing for 4 days.

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 12

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:30:44 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

get this - my messages had always been too short..

I actually can understand that...(talking about the emssages only)
Typed words in short sentences can really give the wrong opinion.

true, but not in this case as we were discussing likes/dislikes only and my answers were highly enthusiastic.

then he can't read..and should have asked you, instead of ignoring you.
Well I guess he prefers easy ways out then.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 13

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:31:16 AM

DefiantFlower

Posts: 204
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

This post is moving to slow. Could you ladies speed it up.

Oh you silly old badger, you!

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 14

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:34:41 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

I am a lazy person by nature, or efficient however you want to look at it. If I exchange several e-mails with someone and the conversation doesn't evolve, I won't ask them to conform to my paradigm, I'll simply move on. It's happened in my communications alot when the person fails to leave me a segue that leaves me trying to think about where to turn the conversation to next.

I disagree that this Dom is a snivelling coward or that he needed his ego stroked, while you feel your responses were enthusiastic, he saw a lack of interest and decided not to invest anymore time. The fact that you had to write him 4 days later for clarification signifies that to me.

And having no interest in someone-- or backing away because you percieve no interest isn't placing the blame on anyone, it's just making decisions in your life to allow you to invest your time to the best advantage.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 15

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:48:40 AM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

I am a lazy person by nature, or efficient however you want to look at it. If I exchange several e-mails with someone and the conversation doesn't evolve, I won't ask them to conform to my paradigm, I'll simply move on. It's happened in my communications alot when the person fails to leave me a segue that leaves me trying to think about where to turn the conversation to next.

I disagree that this Dom is a snivelling coward or that he needed his ego stroked, while you feel your responses were enthusiastic, he saw a lack of interest and decided not to invest anymore time. The fact that you had to write him 4 days later for clarification signifies that to me.

And having no interest in someone-- or backing away because you percieve no interest isn't placing the blame on anyone, it's just making decisions in your life to allow you to invest your time to the best advantage.

But given that his last message to me was to suggest that we meet in r/t, i can hardly be blamed for believing that he was still interested, can i? I suspect that it was something other than lack of interest or frustration at the length (or lack thereof) of my messages at play here.

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 16

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:55:47 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

it could be that the wording of you last response made it seem to him that you were less then excited about the prospect of meeting him. The problem with this form of communication is that there is no body language or tonal fluctuations to base reaction on, only the words on the screen. You may feel that your words have a giddy tone to them and I may not read them the same way.

I'd say you have two options, 1) to decide that you are excited and that this form of communication leaves much to be desired and ask him for a do over, or 2) decide that you can't be bothered and continue to be available for the person who's communication style is closer to your own.

ETA-- this all comes from a person who had to change her communication style because sarcasm doesn't translate at all into print.

< Message edited by OmegaG -- 4/2/2008 6:56:39 AM >

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 17

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 6:57:13 AM

MamaDomme1

Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline

I'm not much of a chatty type person, so your short and enthusiastic answers would have been just fine for me. His question of stepping it into R/T would lead one to the assumption that he was very interested and your explaination of just recovering from the hip surgery was a very valid one.

I wonder, did you take this to the level of telephone conversation in between the online chat and the decision to meet? I have found that speaking with the person on the telephone tells me much more than just email, or online chat. The voice speaks volumes that the internet cannot come close to. I would never meet someone in R/L without talking to them on the phone first.

And my opinion of that particular Dom is that he wasn't as interested in you as a person as maybe you wanted him to be. Move on to better things~~~

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 18

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 7:00:48 AM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

it could be that the wording of you last response made it seem to him that you were less then excited about the prospect of meeting him. The problem with this form of communication is that there is no body language or tonal fluctuations to base reaction on, only the words on the screen. You may feel that your words have a giddy tone to them and I may not read them the same way.

I'd say you have two options, 1) to decide that you are excited and that this form of communication leaves much to be desired and ask him for a do over, or 2) decide that you can't be bothered and continue to be available for the person who's communication style is closer to your own.

ETA-- this all comes from a person who had to change her communication style because sarcasm doesn't translate at all into print.

"I would LOVE to meet for coffee, i need more time to recover from my hip surgery, how's next Friday for you?" If that's not showing enthusiasm, i don't know what is. I think that response showed that i was very much looking forward to meeting him, don't you? Nor do i think there was any ambiguity, it was straight forward and to the point.

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 19

RE: Huh???? - 4/2/2008 7:07:21 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

it's sounds enthusiastic enough as a stand alone.

Sometimes people's priorities are different too. A friend of mine is good at making excuses to not do something in a what I think is a timeley manner but if you listen to her whole conversation you know it's an excuse, that she really doesn't want to do it regardless of her insistance that she does. Is it possible that anything said before that could indicate to him that you were putting him off?

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 20

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