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RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 3:47:28 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		My late husband was a disabled veteran.....an amputee among many other issues. When i looked at him i did not see the disabilities, i saw the man i fell in love with. The man who would hold out his hand to 'dance' with me, who never had to tell me he loved me because his eyes spoke for him, who was 10 feet tall sitting in that wheelchair

I could have been shallow and selfish and not given this man the time of day, but i would have missed knowing, loving and being loved by one of the greatest men i have ever known. His journey was so long and so hard  but i thank God that i was chosen to travel the road with him. He blessed me in so many ways.



(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 4:26:40 PM   
ophelialocke


Posts: 127
Joined: 9/2/2007
Status: offline 		PTSD - I cannot handle much stress.
I compensate by taking on unfamiliar challenges with extra preparation.Master helps me. :-)
I once dated someone who was brain damaged.and prone to seizures. I tried overlooking it for a while but his lapses in judgement turned out to be too much.
On the other hand, my favorite grown-up friend as a child was a friend of my dad's who was blind.  He was so cool and funny - he taught me and my brother braille, too.
My favorite moment: he made me laugh so hard once milk came out of my nose. I told him what happened. He said "I'm glad I didn't see it!"  (which only made me laugh harder, of course.)

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 5:00:31 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilMissHaven

Are you a sub/Dom with a disability?

How do you compensate for that disability?

Have you in the past overlooked someone with a disability?

Being deaf I've always wondered how others compensate for their or their partners disabilities.

There's more behind the questions but for now if we could just leave it at my being mildly curious I'd appreciate it.

My ex Master is disabled. There was a recent accident which compounded him as an amputee even further. I thought I could overlook it. I thought he had.
Now I realise that it supremely difficult for me, erstwhile impossible in my experience to draw the line between compassion and pity......both feelings broke the dynamic. Compassion and pity made required a type of service which was draining me of the energy I was getting from service.                    That master upped the energy levels intensely on his emotional sadism of me and i could see he there was a pure moment, a divisive moment when I lied in order to escape. Not because of his physical amputation (which I truly accomodated to the point of it not being relevant) but the extent to which his emotional sadism intensified in direct proportional to his disability.


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 5:01:07 PM   
gothicbisub


Posts: 15
Joined: 5/20/2004
Status: offline 		I have a knee that alone classifies me as disabled. It does interfere with some of the play, however, not in a major way. I am very fortunate to have an owner that has this at the forefront of her mind and asks me if I am in an uncomfortable position, how I am doing. That in itself means so much to me, even in heavy sessions she still always remembers it. With an understanding and creative Domme, during play there is never really a problem and I am lucky to have that.

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 6:04:18 PM   
PrincessEllie


Posts: 287
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline 		Are you a sub/Dom with a disability?
Yeah, but it's not physical. I've a fair bit of anxiety that can pop up at inopportune times.

How do you compensate for that disability?
I made sure my Dom understood it. He knows that sometimes I'm playing hard to get, but he also knows when I say "Im fucking serious" that he needs to back off because he is causing me anxiety problems. Luckily, I usually have attacks in public and not during play because I'm very comfortable with him. The first time we had sex I was on the verge of an attack but he talked me through it. It's less of me compensating and more of me doing a good job and preparing him.

Have you in the past overlooked someone with a disability?
No, I haven't. I like people for what is inside. In the past I have dated
-A boy who wanted to be a girl and therefore wore my clothes
-A boy with epilepsy
-A boy with depression and multiple personalities
-A boy who was raped as a child and cannot sleep alone for fear that his teacher will come back to get him

My boy now is fine and dandy, but in the past I've been with some seriously disabled men. They may not need crutches or a wheel chair, but their issues affect their daily life.


_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

http://www.cafepress.com/scenedayware
--Discreet BDSM day clothes--

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 6:16:43 PM   
YourDomNow


Posts: 4170
Joined: 1/24/2008
From: originally TX, now PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilMissHaven

quote:

ORIGINAL: HalloweenWhite

I'm a Dominant in a wheelchair,how I compensate for the disability isn't really the issue for Me;it's more about deciding what I want and going after it disabilty and all. If I let the disability beat Me,restrict Me, or in some way, control Me I've lost and I'll never get what I want from this or the vanilla lifestyle.

Have I ever overlooked a disabled submissive? not intentionally, in fact I once had a girl with the same disability as Me.

The bottom line for Me is I am the master of My disability, -it- -is not- the master of Me.


I like your attitude!

I've just gotten a few emails that leave a bad taste in my mouth.  Both basically starting out addressing my being deaf and how I should be grateful for their attention in the first place. 

I forget sometimes that being deaf is supposed to be a disability.  Being able to read lips I'm honestly glad half the time that I can't actually hear what people are saying.

While I can speak I prefer to rely more on body language and can go days without saying a word verbally or by sign.  I just forget to talk, and I've found that most people only mean half of what they say anyways.

One of the ways my X Master and I compensated for my deafness was by realizing and accepting I'm not a talker but rather a writer.  While I'm not good with the written word at times I have a great love for it.  So I kept a daily journal that was available for him to read at any given moment.  Feelings, thoughts they were his to know.

Scenes especially where pain was involved were stopped the minute I said a word it didn't matter what word as long as it was understandably a word.  My safe word was whatever word my brain and mouth could remember at that given time.  Usually "slow" meaning whoa hold up a sec or "no" meaning stop.

I know how important communication is in any aspect of life but even more so in this lifestyle that I sometimes worry I won't find someone willing to work with me as much as J was.


Haven, I cant match what others have said and shared here.....No, i dont have a disability ....however, i view ones that do have one, as unique and special just the same....its about what two people want to and will do for each other, regardless of those disabilities one may have. Honestly, to me, if you are alive, then you are capable of many things wonderful and great. To me, the beauty of any type of relationship, is what the two bring and give to each other....its a one of a kind bond and relationship formed. I know its hard to believe and know that someone can and will accept you with your flaws or so called flaws, but there are.....trust me, there are....just know that......again, i cant match what others are saying, but i can give what my heart , mind, and soul speak

_____________________________

..........its not what you think, its what I know

~~M

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 6:25:55 PM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline 		Are you a sub/Dom with a disability?
 
yes.  i have fibromyalgia, and borderline diabetes, and sjorgren's syndrome (which causes dryness in all the mucus membranes, a bit pain in the arse to deal with!), and i'm supposed to be getting further testing done as far as MS goes.  we already know i have  literal brain damage from an MRI done years ago.  i also have seizures on occasion, can get overheated or chilled badly with no warning, had to have a knee repair a few years back, autoimmune issues, and neurological problems that sometimes make it difficult to talk.  oh and nerve damage here and there, plus flashbacks to prior abuse episodes due to my sperm dononr and my first husband.   i'm a mess. 

How do you compensate for that disability?
 
i exist.  i keep getting up in the morning every day (even when its afternoon!) and i have to take more frequent rest breaks, and make sure to keep myself hydrated more often than i do.   sometimes i have to tell Daddy "i cant do that right now" for one reason or another, and he listens to me because he doesnt want to break me.  


Have you in the past overlooked someone with a disability?

my first dominant was grossly obese.  after the first 2 months we were dating, he was hospitalized with cellulitis.  we then spent the next 4 years battling his diabetes issues, then the issues caused by diabetes that caused him to lose a toe, then nearly his entire foot.  more cellulitis, congestive heart failure (three episodes of that) and his heart just finally gave out. 

fallcon...ended up dying of cancer.

no, i'd not overlook anyone for disability....i'm not perfect, why should i turn my nose up at someone else having problems?  yes, its easier if only one in the relationship has problems, but if there is love and affection there, its worthwhile.

kitten, very thoughtfully

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 6:28:01 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		When he and I went to Niagara Falls a couple years ago, we met a blind couple and had the privilege to watch them play.  We enjoyed watching them and it was pretty incredible considering they were both blind.  She was the top and dominant partner and was pretty accurate with a flogger and quite sadistic.  He was kept on a leash most of the night and it helped him know where she was and her to know where he was. 

I think a big part of it is attitude.  Does the person allow their diability to limit their choices or do they think outside of the box and find a way to do what they want in spite of their disability?

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 6:39:41 PM   
babygirlangel


Posts: 110
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline 		i have depression.. or should i say.. it has me.. a lot of days... i also have anxiety about meeting.. even talking (in voice) to people... i also have diabetes and a skin disorder which ultimately drives many people away ( no its not exzema )... i wanted to thank all of you for sharing your thoughts as it gives me courage to continue the search.. 

edited to say... i was involved with a man who had epilepsy for about 8 years.. it made him very childlike eventually... so no.. i dont think i'd overlook someone with disabilities

< Message edited by babygirlangel -- 4/1/2008 6:48:56 PM >

_____________________________

Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me, Because of you I am afraid...

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 7:33:43 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I began trying to write this post and found it harder to get started than I thought.  I have conditions that have caused me to lose a great deal of functioning over the past several months.  I have struggled with such conditions for some time, but things have recently taken a bad turn.  We are reevaluating what my diagnosis is and what to do next.  It is difficult to watch as my body degenerates.  It is my adjustment and my attitude that is at issue.  My husband has made it all too clear that he will stay by me and will never think less of me because of what I can or cannot do.  I am still the same person I was when he married me, even if that person does not have all the abilities I once had.

There have had to be a lot of changes in everyday tasks.  Some things in keeping house or caring for my family I am just not capable of doing anymore.  He has taken these up without complaint.  There are times that something we want to do in play is not possible or requires adaptation.  We find a way to make things work where we can and let the rest go.  We communicate and we support each other.  We choose to view each other with love and respect. 

I have never overlooked people with disabilities and have worked diligently to advocate for the rights of others.  I have spent time working in special education, mental health, and other such fields.  I have had the honor of meeting some of the best quality people this earth has to offer.  Many have taught me so much about life and how to live it properly.  I thank them for the courage to go on as I face my own challenges now.

You are worthy of someone who can accept you....not just endure your disability.  Accept nothing less.  You should expect to be respected, loved, and supported.  That is true of any relationship, but it is especially important when there are very real needs to be met.  I wish you the best!

Warm wishes,
lovingpet

(in reply to babygirlangel)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 7:41:25 PM   
Najakcharmer


Posts: 2121
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline 		My sub/partner has cerebal palsy.  It means he can do the most awesome hogtie bondage position ever in perfect comfort, since his legs bend about 180 degrees off of normal, and it looks insanely cool when he is tied up.  It's kind of cool to be able to turn a disability into a nifty ability.

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 8:43:17 PM   
midgetmafiosa


Posts: 195
Joined: 3/23/2008
From: Maine, and SLC, UT
Status: offline 		Pyrrsefanie - I know that people probably want to "solve" for you all the time, but have you talked to anyone about fibromyalgia? I was tested for lupus, MS, RA, and all kinds of stuff before the doctors figured out that's what I had. It's the main reason I don't get off on play that involves a lot of pain. I get plenty of that during my everyday life, from migraines to foot pain. I mostly deal with it by ignoring it, but lately it's become an issue at work, so I had to get approved for intermittent leave, where under FMLA, I get to take 2-3 days off a month without penalty. That's actually a big relief. I hate being labeled as "disabled," especially when I go snowboarding and do regular things, but I also have to accept that I spend a lot of nights and weekends home in bed while other people my age (I'm 28) are out doing fun things, because I have a headache or a something-ache, or I'm tired.

Oh yeah, I'm also bipolar, too. That's pretty well managed through drug therapy at this point, but there are times it rears its ugly little head. I like to describe what I have as lame stuff that won't kill me, but just causes some major annoyance and inconvenience. And runs me about $200 a month in prescriptions, even with pretty decent health insurance.

In a partner, I just want someone understanding and supportive. As long as they are physically attractive to me and well-grounded as a person, we should do just fine.

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 9:02:31 PM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline 		People who have never experienced fibromyalgia have no idea of the degree of pain involved on a daily basis .. and a dreaded comment ... is " but you dont look sick" or some version there of......

It takes adjustments and understanding from yourself most of all and then from those around you ... and especially from a play partner.

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to midgetmafiosa)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 9:04:55 PM   
HerLord


Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilMissHaven

My biggest flaw just happens to have paybacks.

"HAVEN did you forget to pick up my dry cleaning again girl?"

"but Sir I didn't hear you tell me to pick it up"

I'm evil I know

LOL

I my self am allowed this... excuse... Also with hearing problems. 3/4 hearing loss from the "Dog" and the 2000+ watts of speakers I had to direct for 6 years as a DJ.

HAVEN. I think I love you... You are truly a soul worthy. I anticipate enjoying all your further contributions to these threads and to life.

Thank you for being you.
May you find the Peace and Piece that your soul is worthy of.

*edited for stupidity in spelling*

< Message edited by HerLord -- 4/1/2008 9:12:52 PM >

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 9:10:55 PM   
HerLord


Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline 		Haven

Having a bit of experience on both sides of the... hardship fence, I still have no real input except to say...

I look for the person within. What is on the outside is NEVER more than a veneer designed to keep others where the veneer puts them. Disabilities and all.

I have a tendancy to say more than I need to, because in my experience, words are SO limiting as to nessecitate more of them to express intent. So I will stop here.

*edited to add more words*

< Message edited by HerLord -- 4/1/2008 9:12:07 PM >

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to HerLord)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 9:13:45 PM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		I have known people with fibromyalgia. I could see the pain on their faces. Twice I knew people who were diagnosed with almost everything except fibromyalgia; they kept getting worse and worse - one woman took almost two months off to deal with it, before she was finally diagnosed. She was able to cut out a ton of prescription drugs that weren't doing a thing for her, but the pain was still there.

I am lucky. So far my arthritis is only mild, and that's the only painful malady I have. My neuropathy is under control, so I only rarely have to deal with "phantom pain." (Don't know why they call it that - it most certainly is not phantom; it's very real.) And that pain is not something that can be avoided by proper positioning.

As I see the emotional and psychological issues many of you are dealing with, I am amazed. You all seem to be on such an even keel.

pip, also amazed at how much more accepting we in BDSM are of those not considered "normal" in other circles


_____________________________

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(in reply to MissHarlet)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 9:18:25 PM   
sweetsub1986


Posts: 41
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Tennessee
Status: offline 		I have Cerebral Palsy, severe hearing loss,arthritis,seizures,scoliosis, and as yet undiagnosed mental issues(depression and PTSD are listed as suspects)...I think that's all of them. We have found ways to adapt such as carefully choosing positioning, and other things. In my opinion the greatest help is to have the mindset that I have disablities they don't have me.


_____________________________

I have found myself, good friends(family of the heart rather than blood), and an amazing love.
Proudly Owned by Gizzo!!!!!!!!

(in reply to HerLord)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 9:20:16 PM   
Willowmoon


Posts: 227
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline 		Yes I have a disabilty, multiple disabilitys infact. The two that affect day to day life the most however are CFS and bipolar. We manage the bipolar with medication its under control and rarely an issue unless I have forgotten to take my medication. The CFS is harder to manage is comes then goes then i relapse again but we have learnt that if we want to play that night then I need to sleep in the afternoon and my Master knows me well enough that all he had to do is look at me and can tell if I am up to a scene or not. If he wants to do something and knows I can handle it he will spring things on me.

Master helps around the house rathen then leaving it all to me so that i will have someenergy to serve him in other ways once he is home from work. He looks after me and cares for.

Willow

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 9:25:56 PM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline 		I am constantly amazed at how many of us in this lifestyle have health issues to deal with... some many more than others .. yet we seem to manage and to find those that are willing to work with them... and that is both Dominants and Submissive/slaves that have the health issues.

I wonder which came first our desire to endure/inflict pain ... or the pain/ other issues we have to deal with??? It may well be a chicken and egg type thing ..but it does make me wonder ....

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to Willowmoon)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Disabilities on the "scene" - 4/1/2008 9:27:28 PM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub1986

I have Cerebral Palsy, severe hearing loss,arthritis,seizures,scoliosis, and as yet undiagnosed mental issues(depression and PTSD are listed as suspects)...I think that's all of them. We have found ways to adapt such as carefully choosing positioning, and other things. In my opinion the greatest help is to have the mindset that I have disablities they don't have me.



Great mindset !!! one that I need to remember !

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to sweetsub1986)
Profile   Post #: 40
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