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ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 12:42:19 PM   
hermitcrab


Posts: 3
Joined: 3/28/2008
Status: offline 		Since the "culprits" are members here, and i do not wish to start problems within groups... new name to protect the "guilty"

For quite a long time i've been "seeing" something, a behavior if you will, that continues to perplex, irritate and down right piss me off; and up until now i've managed to just sit back, smile and take it.  An incident occured quite recently that got under my skin so to speak and i just can't fathom it being "right" or "ok" by any standard. 

I am quite happily owned, been in a monagamous relationship for over 5 years.  Mistress clearly states She is seeking no others, my profile clearly states i am happily owned.  I can not understand what is so confusing about those two statements. 

We are members of the same groups, munches, online "communities", all profiles, introductions are always as a couple. 

What I have noticed is that Dominants 99% of the time respect our relationship and do not in any way openly flirt or try to sneak around Mistress to "get closer" to me. 

On the other hand, the subs i have encountered seem to have one thing on their agenda, find a Mistress.  ANY Mistress.  Even if She isn't looking.... that doesn't mean She isn't interested in "THEM". 

Online it's not too hard to ignore the idiots and frankly thats how i see them.  Until!  They decide to take their foolishness to a new level.  That being to become "friends" with me.  Mistress encourages me to make friends both online and in real life.  She sees them being "nice", "friendly" towards me and encourages me getting to know them.  Ok, fine, i'll give it a shot.  So, i add them to my IM and quickly notice something.  When they come online, the first sentence is "is your Mistress online too?", "can you add Her to our conversation window?"  "how's your Mistress today, please tell Her i said hello".  Now all of this is fne and dandy IF they at all bother to say "hello" "how are you today" to ME first.  I mean, they are on my IM supposedly to talk to me?  Hello!  So i block/delete seeeeya! 

Then you have the real dipchits that email Mistress even though Her profile says don't bother.  So, She blocks them from emailing Her.  Should end it...right?  Umm nope, guess again!  No, they start emailing ME.  I get emails that say, please tell your Mistress "insert stoopid bs here".  Or even better, open an email from someone blocked on Her email list to find "please forward this poem to your Mistress from me" and it's a poem about "if You were to become my Mistress".  Hello?  ok... gonna say it... "Here's your sign"!

Now trust me, i expect the idiots online.  Truly i do.  I know they lurk at every corner, in every chat room, behind every shrub.  But when said behavior continues at real life events, ok now i'm banging my head against a wall and the urge to reach out and touch someone is becoming pretty overwhelming. 

We attend munches together.  Here come the trolls marching in one by one.  Some are part of a couple, others single.  It doesn't seem to matter.  Mistress and myself enjoy talking to a variety of people both together and individually.  Again, the Dominants are always respectful of my collar and Her.  The subs we've met at munches again, i'm their buddy, pal for a short while then the behavior starts.  I make the mistake of calling them using Her cell phone because mine died midconversation.  Ohh boy!  They have HER phone number... it's open season!!  Suddenly they are no longer calling me- ever!  They call Her.  They are added to our conversation online, IM, well now they have HER IM and yep, suddenly any conversation between them and myself END and they are messaging HER only.  Hmmmm. 

The most recent incident, the one that promted this rant... words can not begin to express how it's made me feel. 

We go to a lifestyle event, invited by a Dominant friend of Mistress'.  At said event a "friend" of mine is present without her Mistress.  Now this "friend" has openly "hit on" Mistress several times in the past, been one that got Her phone number and was suddenly calling Her.... yea, one of "them".  So i silently groaned when i saw her there.  Mistress selects a table with 3 chairs.  Two on one side, one alone on the opposite side of the table.  She selects the side with a single chair, i sit opposite of Her.  Now this "friend" of mine, chooses to stand in the open spot beside Mistress, very close to Her... placing her back to me.  Hmmmmmmmmm!  During our time at this event this "friend" went to other tables talking to other people and returning to our table to resume the exact same position over and over.  It wasn't an isolated thing.  In introducing us to other people there, conversation was jokes/laughing.... she states.... "now you see why i like to hang out with Ms_______ (insert long pause) oh and "hermit too".  *sighs*

So is it any wonder, i've become very jaded to "friends" with other subs?  Suspicious of anyone that wishes to talk to "me"? 

Thus far, i've managed to smile and pray the event/chat/whatever ends soon.  Bringing this up to Mistress only creates a disagreement as She sees the good in people and tends to over look the bad.  She quickly points out that She in no way encourages them to do such, does not show any interest in them in "that way", only sees them as people "we" enjoy talking to.  yea, as enjoyable as oral surgery without novacaine. 

I know there is no changing other peoples behavior but there has to be something, someway to nip some of this bs in the bud.  Mistress' response is, fine, since you're so jealous, we won't go any more.  Umm no, i don't believe it's jealousy as i know they have not a snowballs chance of taking my "place" so to speak.  I am simply sick of rude behavior.  Pure and simple.  Rude is rude is rude.  I dont' care if it is lifestyle or vanilla, unaccepatable behavior on ANY front. Had this "friend" done what she did, placing her back to me at a table, while i was out with someone other then Mistress, i would have said "excuse me, but there are other people sitting here too ya know".  But because of it being a lifestlye event, i feel i am expected to hold my tongue and just accept what ever behavior is being displayed so as to not create a possible "scene".   I've stepped away from a table we were sitting at, to go to the bathroom only to return and find another sub sitting in my seat.  Ok, she's talking to Mistress, no problem so i stand beside the table waiting.... keep waiting... finally reach across this person to get my beverage.  I know she sees me there but has not said as much as hello, i speak to her.. hello, nice to see you... and continue to wait.  No other seats available at our table so i continue to stand there...reach across AGAIN to get my beverage... no response at all from the other person.  No "oh, did you want your seat back"... "hello"... nothing..completely ignored.  So i finally walk away to talk to other people until she decides to move her ass.  This same person is later talking to us and some others.  Profiles on here are brought up and she says .. oh i know Ms ______ profile says to not contact her, thats the only reason i emailed hermit at all.  Excuse me?  The email in question said "it was lovely to meet You, and i look forward to getting to know You better"  *bangs head on wall*

Am i completely wrong for feeling this is rude?  Am i missing something?  Is it truly acceptable for subs/slaves to be so obviously rude?  How would you handle this? 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 12:51:47 PM   
MamaDomme1


Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline 		Show this thread to your Mistress so she will understand the depth of you hurt feelings.  Have a very open conversation with your Mistress and explain to her just how you feel.  Let her take it from there.

(in reply to hermitcrab)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 12:56:41 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		now i don't mean this to be rude...but do you feel better now that you have ranted?

yes, what they are doing is rude...my advice...make friends with other subs that aren't looking...it is a bit selective...but it makes things so much easier when your goals are the same...and much easier to make friends when you are not suspicious of everyone you are trying to make friends with...and when you've had some good experiences and built up your friend network with other submissives, you will be able to open it up to single submissives and see that it is just those certain ones, not all of them...but i think you should have some good experiences with submissives and be selective at first...

*drops her change in the bucket*
chelle


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to hermitcrab)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 12:59:54 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		The world is your oyster, hermitcrab.

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(in reply to hermitcrab)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 1:24:41 PM   
domahpet


Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline 		very good post. i dont have any words of wisdom for you tho sorry.
i do hope you find a satisfying solution soon, as its obviouslt causing
you alot of stress
(((hugs)))

_____________________________

Zeedaddys
~DJ domahpet~
*Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to*

*crystal*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLI12uN6k5k

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 1:26:58 PM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		Trite though it sounds, you really need to discuss this with your mistress.  It seems that you're a bit upset with how she's dealt with it, and a strategy needs to be devised for future situations like those you described.  I can't stress open, honest communication enough.  If it's a big enough problem for you and your mistress refuses to acknowledge it as anything but jealousy, perhaps it's time to do some reconsidering.

As for the submissives who are rude to you, be more assertive.  I'm not saying be rude, but find a polite way to assert yourself.  It's not "making a scene".  You are still a person and deserve to be treated with respect.  Also consider, they've been aggressive or at least assertive in their gestures, you have that same right.  Just keep your cool while letting them know that you won't tolerate rude behavior.  Also, don't take everything to heart.  It's difficult, and I do it, too, but not everything is always meant to be negative and it could be possible that these submissives don't even know they're being rude.  It wouldn't hurt to pull the worst transgressors aside and politely tell them how you feel and that it hurts you.  If they aren't receptive, you know where to go from there and know not to associate with them in the future.  And who knows, if they are receptive, maybe you'll have made a true friend.  Good luck.

< Message edited by NakedOnMyChain -- 3/28/2008 1:28:45 PM >

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to hermitcrab)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 1:30:12 PM   
atursvcMaam


Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
Status: offline 		   So your Mistress is desirable, and holds you in high enough regard to hang on to you, wants to help you develop socially, and from what you have said, ignores the dipchits.
   and you want to gripe about this?  i have to agree, i hope the rant let you get this out of your system.  Have the best day you have ever had.

_____________________________

live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse when you die.
Love ya, but, when the zombies start chasing us, i am tripping you.
The glass is always full, the question is, "with what?"

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 2:37:57 PM   
MistressVnus


Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline
quote:

So your Mistress is desirable, and holds you in high enough regard to hang on to you,


I agree.  Trust in your relationship with your Mistress.  If you let them get your goad they are winning.  And, did you ever think for one minute that the reason they are doing this is because of the way you respond?  Perhaps, just perhaps, they are goading you and you are taking the bait.
Again, trust in you Mistress.  If you can't do that, something is wrong and you should "discuss" it with HER.


_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to atursvcMaam)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 2:40:37 PM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		ok I read this about 5 times, I'm like Dnomyar, long posts make My eyes cross--anyway--I hope I capture the essence here----after 5 years, I dont see why this issue would cause you insecurities because that is what this rant is about---insecurity--I am sure in that time this is not the first time in that period that this has happened and it won't be the last--you're sharing your issues with the wrong person.
 
As far as emailing you to get to Her, well ya know it is what it is, people just don't observe high protocols like they should--I find it odd that again after 5 years together as a "couple"--on line is even worth your frustration, for rt is what it is and you can afterall, turn it off.
 
As for your Mistress behavior, She has the right to behave as She chooses, you have the right to choose and accept it--I agree with Her, you appear insecure and jealous---and it would be a cold day before I stayed away from an activity because of My subs consternation.
 
and if you can't deal with rude people, become a hermit.
 
 

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to hermitcrab)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 2:56:16 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Hmm... lol that is a familar place for me.  I used to date someone many years ago that was almost godlike in his gorgeousness.  He made Brad Pitt look like dogfood.  Beautiful lips, sexy blue eyes and a deep resonant voice.. and women were always looking through me as if I were nothing when he was around.  Women would come up to him even if I was holding his hand and flirt with him right in front of me.  It was a tad annoying.  He never responded to them but I believe he appreciated the attention.  Heck.. I think he expected it.
I finally realised as long as I was with him that would probably happen.  And I had to learn to accept it or find a way to deal with it.
Most of the time I was ok.  I learned to speak to them, say hi, how are you, ect.  Engaging them in conversation so that one, their focus on him was less.  And two, so they would know I am there.
If they were very obvious I moved from his side to the space between his legs, and he would wrap his arms around me.
Your mistress probably enjoys the attention, who wouldn't?  You will have to learn to assert yourself and stop seeing it as a bad thing.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to hermitcrab)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 2:58:33 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		I've seen this with females subs too-and moreso when they know you are attached and "real". I'm also pretty much monogamous, and I tell them to fuck off.

Sewriously-if someone can't respect me and mine enough to not pull that crap-do you think I would trust them enough to be a replacement?

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to hermitcrab)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 3:02:01 PM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		OP - are you afraid your Mistress will decide she'd rather be with one of these oh-so-obvious subs than with you? Because at the end of the night, who goes home with her?

pip

_____________________________

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 3:11:20 PM   
SayaNereida


Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline 		Out of curiosity, does your Mistress see things the same as you (the other submissive attempting to 'poach' her)?

You may want to ask her how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, would she feel disrespected?

IF she still feels no need to 'do something' then perhaps ask what she would allow you to do.

Personally, were it me, I would have extended my hand across the table and said, "I didn't want to seem rude and not acknowledge you sitting there, my name is Saya."  or something to either 'force' the person to either acknowledge me or very obviously ignore me, but then if I choose not to ignore rudness, I have a bad habit of imitating and highlighting it. 

I don't tolerate rudness and disrespect well.

Saya


_____________________________

Anais Nin: Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. ...


(in reply to hermitcrab)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 3:11:48 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Unfortunatly people are rude at times, but as everyone has said she is with you. Not all subs are like that, not all people are like that. I know what jealousy and insecurity feels like I also know how destructive it can  be not just to you but to other people if the insecurity is unfounded, lol trust me i know. At the end of the day just tell these people to fuck off and make friends with decent types, I have heard they are about somewhere, 

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to hermitcrab)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 3:22:12 PM   
hermitcrab


Posts: 3
Joined: 3/28/2008
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~
to clarify:

we've been together for 5 years, over the past 3 years we've started attending public events and munches. 

the online stuff, absolutely that's online and much easier to ignore.  the rl behaviors, well, the examples i presented were displayed by subs already in relationships, supposedly "not seeking".  People that should have been "safe" as far as friendship and not dishonorable intentions.   

i am absolutely secure within my relationship with Her.  i know without a doubt that She is not seeking/wishing to replace me in any way.  Do i believe She enjoys the attention?  Certainly She does.  Does it bother me that others find Her attractive? No. What does bother me is the inability of people to say "hello" to both people in a relationship when they are attending an event TOGETHER.  When someone goes as far as standing within Her "personal space" (we all have that comfort zone) with their back to me to "chit chat".  No, the person wasn't flirting or being out of the way in the least.  She was simply being what i would consider RUDE in any setting.  The behavior would be seen as rude (by myself) regardless of it being displayed towards myself or anyone else.  As i said, rude is rude.  Had this person stood close to me with their back to Mistress to just chit chat... they would have been asked to  have a seat, if declined then I would have moved so they weren't being rude to the others present.  But, thats just me. 

I have at no time asked Her to NOT attend any event, regardless of who may or may not be there.  I in no way feel that is my place and no, i do not expect Her to stop attending any events just because people are stupid. 

Yes, i have said hello, how are you, nice to see you to these people only to be blatently ignored. 

Yes, i have spoken to Her at length about this.  HER response was to just stop attending.  Personally i do not feel this is necessarily the right thing to do as there are people we do enjoy talking to, that do have manners.  It just seems She does not feel it right for Her to say something or in any way put an end to it.  And as such, yes the frustration is growing.  Thus my "rant". 

I didn't expect to gain any devine intervention/advice from this; one could always hope but truthfully i didnt hold my breath.  What I did hope would occur was maybe, just maybe someone would see themselves in this post and if it saved one person the hurt feelings i've been having... wonderful!! 

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 3:30:54 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		*shrugs* some people are really rude, dont waste your time worrying about them, i dont think they should force you out of going to events, maybe your Mistress could make a point of including you? pull you towards her and say "you know my sub --" something like that, or else just dont let the bastards get to you.


_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to hermitcrab)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 3:32:01 PM   
SirsPetAdrina


Posts: 1731
Joined: 3/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

e's talking to Mistress, no problem so i stand beside the table waiting.... keep waiting... finally reach across this person to get my beverage.  I know she see


i believe that it is rude but like you i probably would be punished for opening my mouth and i get scolded everytime i grip about not only other subs being rude or im my eyes disrespectful and in the wrong but also other doms that want to take my place as Sirs significant other. that gets me so heated but i hold my tounge till ive had enough and unfortunatly it ends up in an argument between me and Sir but alls well in the end because its out of my system till the same person does something else to piss me off like trying to rat on me for something that Sir gave me permission to do. like im in SCA and just becaue i played with a switch one night and then had him as an escort in the dark from the dances the other 2 nights she thinks that im doing something with out sirs permission which she is wrong and gets well told where to go and that Sir dont care what she thinks. LOL

well im going to get off of this soap box before i get too mad and end up arguing with sir over this person angain.

(in reply to hermitcrab)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 3:40:01 PM   
daddyncherry


Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		First, i am sorry that you have been going through this bs.

Secondly, i don't see it as insecurity AT ALL....you seemed to make it abundantly clear that these so called friends are just being assholes and completely rude....you also  stated clearly that you know that trolls lurk all over the place.

It would be one thing if they contacted her and didn't know she was with someone.....if they didn't try to go through you to get to her etc.....If they innocently flirted with her at an event before realizing that she has a slave..But that isn't the case, they are just being disrespectful and rude.

The problem is, if your Mistress only sees it as a "you problem" and that it is jealousy and nothing else, then it would seem like a hard thing to get past....If she can't see it as their rudeness then she can't make you feel better about things.

The online thing you could take into your own hands by ignoring or blocking or deleting anyone who approaches you in the ways that you mentioned.........the in person thing, seems, should be more in your Mistress's hands....She could ask the other sub/slave to move to allow room for her slave...She could refuse to give respect for people who outright disresect the bond between Her and Her slave by not engaging them in discussion....there are many ways that she could make it clear that she is not open for others....eventually the word would get out that it wasn't acceptable....Or maybe she doesn't mind the attention or is oblivious to it while it is happening.Only ya'll know the truth there.

Maybe she just expects you to write them off as rude people and have security in your relationship...that is all well and good and healthy...But, it wouldn't hurt things if she made an attempt to make them feel a bit less comfortable than the way their actions and her inaction is leading you to feel.

Good luck


_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 3:43:03 PM   
MasochistToy


Posts: 21
Joined: 1/18/2008
Status: offline 		Hermit,
I understand completely what you are saying. I have had this experience myself, and trying to explain that it is not jealousy on my part but an irritation with being treated disrespectfully was difficult. It took many separate discussions with Daddy before he understood. I do not worry about losing him. I get angry and upset when someone is obviously interested in proving that she is more desirable than I am to Daddy. And, before someone says that this is an insecurity on my part, I know that Daddy desires no one as much as I am, and I am not jealous when we play with others when they are respectful. It is the person who crosses the line that upsets me. It is not my behavior or Daddy's behavior that I become angry with, but the (insert all sorts of expletives) person that frustrates me. Once Daddy finally understood that it was not jealousy, but righteous indignation that I was talking about he quickly ended the association with the (insert another expletive). And a side benefit of this has been that Daddy now understands that I do not have a problem playing with other girls or guys. I truly enjoy it. I just don't want to be treated the way that major cunt (whoops, forgot to bleep that one) treated me.

_____________________________

"Though time refeather the wing, ankle slip the ring, the once confined thing is never again free."

Daddys Masochist

(in reply to SirsPetAdrina)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: ok? not ok? - 3/28/2008 3:45:51 PM   
SWEETSCORPION


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/28/2008
Status: offline 		first i would like to say"hi".im new on here n trying to learn all that i can.im not sure where i stand at this point only what i like.so i was exploring all the diff things on here n came to this posting.i have to say i do feel that i agree, it does seem extremely rude.i do not believe that u sound remotly like the jealous type.im not sure how to remedy the situation because as stated im still learning n have a ways to go. however i do believe if someone stated or requests to be ur friend,in any situation,there are usually no strings attached.if there are,they r  no friend n therefor u should not waist any time with them.

(in reply to MamaDomme1)
Profile   Post #: 20
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