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RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness - 3/24/2008 7:42:48 AM

MzMia

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I would not worry about out, my little heartbeats {niece and nephew}, are very
different when it comes to money.
I give them both money and I spend money on them.
My nephew would do exactly what your daughter did and my niece would do the opposite.

They are indeed two of the finest people I am proud to say I know.
My niece recently gave $20 to some sort of charity as school, I think it was the cancer society.
I was with my nephew, waiting in the car and he gave his last $30 to a homeless man.

I have had to lecture them about NOT giving most of their money away to charities and homeless people!
My nephew would have spent half the money on me and the other half on himself, but I don't care, cause
my sweetie has a heart of GOLD.
I am looking at their character down the road, not just today.

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RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness - 3/24/2008 9:34:31 AM

Maya2001

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Raised my son as a single mom as well, and basically did with my son as my parents did with me, allowances were earned not given freely, once 16 no more allowances, if you want spending money you earned it, with me I started babysitting at the age of 15 and was responsible for buying all my clothing as well, I went on to other jobs like working for someone at a farmer's market on Saturday mornings, did some telephone soliciting, worked as a waitress, my son did jobs like raking, shovelling snow, delivering newspapers.

For me it tought me that no job was beneath me if I was earning money honestly, when I went through my divorce as a single mom ended up on government assistance and was going to school, I took on babysitting jobs so I could still be home with my son when I was not in school, the money I earned through babysitting was banked eventually allowing me to buy a cheap used car once I was done school allowing me more job opportuntities, when I look now at my former daughter in law who was never made to do anything to earn her own money.... I become a bit disgusted as she is on government assistance along with recieving support.... she makes no effort to improve her life by going to school or taking on a job, when she wants something she rants and raves expecting handouts from everyone and if she refused she runs around telling everyone your being a selfish bitch for not giving her the handout she wants, menial job workers she is rude and insulting to and mocks them, her parents now are victims to black mail on a regular basis they either hand her spending money or get denied seeing their grandchild .... she is 29 years old now and still demanding the allowance I know that not every child will become like this but seen too many that have become because the never grew up understanding the value of having to earn money themselves there become selfish and self centered.

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RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness - 3/24/2008 12:26:14 PM

LadyHathor

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Thank you all for your thoughts, I always feel so stupid when I post personal things as I think I have to validate our level of dysfunction or not--and that I get judged for what kind of Mom I am or am not---

Maya. I am so there about the demanding money and yet when I look past My own poopoo attitude, she is a generous child who gives so much of herself. her time and her money as Ms Mia mentioned---she works a penny till it screams most of the time.

MzMia---smiles, My child is like that, I am so proud to be with her, to know her, to have people know her---interesting you mention the feel good therapy----gift buying holidays are hard for us, we lost Mom 3 years ago---you all have I am sure ad nauseum read about how this affected us---we both, she and I try to manage the loss, sometimes we succeed, sometimes we dont--this holiday we didn't do so well. She missed the extras and I missed the gathering---we tried---and ended in, well, a pity party, but we talked much--and in the scheme of things, it did not become so important--not near as our ache---and no amount of feel good feels good but gawd sometimes we try.

so here I come, putting it out here for all the wrong reasons and showing My gawd awful humanity--but also taking a sanity check---lord knows this place will make or break one's sanity--

hugs everyone!

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RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness - 3/24/2008 12:32:00 PM

Luciferica

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I do not give money to anyone to get me gifts. If someone wants to purchase something they will. It's my birthday today and I got two cards from my children, both hand made on simple card. That is worth far more than giving them the money to go buy something to me. My son even bought Darcy beer with his own money as a gift a few weeks back, not with money I gave him, but that which he had earnt himself because he wanted to, not because he had to.

I teach them the value of money and that presents are not as important as the sentiment behind them. I know I am going to sound slightly callous here, but you created the problem yourself by giving money in the first place so although I understand your upset, I would say you brought it on yourself. My advise is to not give money out like that again.

the.dark.

I agree here. I understand you feel like you need the tradition but if she was too broke to buy you something then you'd understand, my mom did, I made her something instead, it was small but heartfelt. your daughter could easily do the same

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RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness - 3/24/2008 12:54:58 PM

MzMia

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Hugs back Lady Hathor, I lost my mother 3.5 years ago, and I understand living
with grief.
Your young lady sounds responsible and like a good person, I would not worry about
her keeping a few dollars for herself.
I have to admit, I was a little upset with my nephew giving away so much of his money,
when Auntie has to buy gas!

I said "What about me, I NEED gas money, do you SEE how much gas costs?!" to him, and he said "You aren't homeless!"

His mother and I both explained it is great to be generous, but $5 is enough to give the homeless, don't give them your last dollar, or Auntie's gas money!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 3/24/2008 1:01:52 PM >

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RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness - 3/24/2008 1:25:09 PM

domiguy

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When does one stop needing gifts? It was quite awhile ago that I could have gave two squirts about a material gift...Fuck, if I need something I'll just get it myself.

Just a "happy b-day" or B.J. will suffice nicely.

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RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness - 3/24/2008 1:31:17 PM

sirsholly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

When does one stop needing gifts?

Never!

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RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness - 3/24/2008 1:35:40 PM

MzMia

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DG? are you flexible enough to suck your own willy, yet?

yoga classes make you so flexible!

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RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness - 3/24/2008 1:41:26 PM

domiguy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

DG? are you flexible enough to suck your own willy, yet?

yoga classes make you so flexible!

Don't be a hatah!!! Shit, being as cool as the other side of the pillow has it's advantages...Means there are plenty of sistahs to introduce their nose to my navel...Most of them used to be dominant so you still have a shot...Don't give up hope!

I know we have had our run ins of late....But I want you to know you still are my yatch.

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RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness - 3/24/2008 1:54:21 PM

MzMia

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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

DG? are you flexible enough to suck your own willy, yet?

yoga classes make you so flexible!

Don't be a hatah!!! Shit, being as cool as the other side of the pillow has it's advantages...Means there are plenty of sistahs to introduce their nose to my navel...Most of them used to be dominant so you still have a shot...Don't give up hope!

I know we have had our run ins of late....But I want you to know you still are my yatch.

DG! I don't drink hateraide!
What run-in's?

You, are still on my submissive beach waiting list.
Never give up hope!

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RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness - 3/24/2008 2:24:06 PM

GoddessDustyGold

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~FR~
I am not reading all of these responses, but I have seen enough and people are coming from all sorts of valid places.
Ya know I love you, Lady H...but...(you knew there was going to be a "but", right?)
Even if your daughter is just finishing high school and doesn't have a job, I am sure that there are chores around the place that need doing. I was never a believer in just handing over an allowance each week. It creates a sense of entitlement. The ways to earn allowance, or get paid for chores, was to actually do the work. This way they respected the money and had to work for it. The chores were not hard, and, at times, especially when younger, the allowances were not big. Along with the earned "payday", came praise for a job well done, and a kind discussion about saving, spending and planning.
As soon as they were able, they did get part time jobs, and they also babysat.
As Mom, I would remind them of holidays coming up. These things just began to be absorbed and they took, I believe, more pleasure in giving, than knowing they had money to blow on something for themselves. I also always adored the handmade cards and the little coupon books that could be traded for a massage, or a hairbushing.
It's a bit of a sticky wicket, but I (what I would do) would just talk to her about needing to start earning a bit of her way, and that would include any special occasions that call for a gift, such a birthdays, Christmas, etc.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 3/24/2008 2:26:36 PM >

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RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness - 3/24/2008 3:34:29 PM

brightspot

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I say don't feel bad because there may be
no gifts and don't give your daughter money
so you will have something to open.
I lost my Mother last November, she always
made the holidays for myself and my son.

I have come to a place where I do not
expect anything from anyone and when
it happens it makes the moment special.
I just try to do a few very special things
for myself.
Take yourself out to dinner, give yourself a
day at the spa, buy yourself the most gorgeous
flowers,etc. etc.

There are many more gifts that can be given
that don't cost anything.
Cleaning the whole house, a promissary note to
do the dishes for a month, washing your car
inside and out or making a special dinner for you
once a week for a month.

There a many options besides gifts(especially one
paid for yourself) and if she can not be giving to
you in these ways give to and pamper yourself.

Maybe she will then think it's her wanting to give
that is the most important, seeing you have nothing
when she opens her gifts from you may awaken her
to think "What's wrong with this picture" a good
lesson for an 18 year old to learn.

Missy.

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RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness - 3/24/2008 3:46:20 PM

CalifChick

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Since you said she really isn't wanting for anything, instead of buying each other gifts on the holidays, why not adopt a family who has much less than you? You can pick out a family together, shop for their gifts together, and then play Santa to them together. I would think that would be a far more rewarding way to spend your holiday, by brightening someone else's, particularly that of a child.

Cali

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