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MissMorrigan -> RE: Shattered Trust or Selfishness (3/24/2008 7:27:27 AM)
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Lady Hathor, I also come from a very small family, just the immediate family members and few friends (do have an enormous extended family but we're rarely in touch). I was raised mainly (until I was eleven) by my father/his parents and I'd have to work to earn my pocket money - out of which I had to budget for gifts, etc... I valued that process, it taught me the value of money and instilled in me the virtue of having to work for my money. Then, when I went to live with my mother from the age of twelve onwards, I never had to work, I was given money. I knew I was being given money to cover everything I needed, including gifts, but the more I got, the more I spent, including gifts for myself. I was comfort buying. I didn't see any harm in buying myself a little gift when I purchased others. I was buying those little gifts to make myself feel better about a number of issues, the fact my family was so small, the fact I felt somewhat lonely despite having friends and so on.
Years later, when I became a mother my son had to do chores, for which he received pocket money. If he wanted money he had to work for it. I was very strict about that. At fourteen I made him take a saturday job at a butchers. His friends never had to work b/c their parents gave them an inordinate amount of pocket money each week, sometimes up to £50, that was b/c they were rarely at home so the kids really became their own 'parents' in that respect - it was guilt money. My son was resentful that they could go out and buy all the labelled designer trainers/clothes, I refused to allow any designer items in my home. We were often at odds over this, but I stuck to my guns. He continued earning his pocket money and buying any gifts out of it. Years later, and now an adult, he thanks me for being so strict with him and teaching him the value of money.
There is no quandary as such in your situation, Lady Hathor. You asked for ideas, my suggestion is get her a saturday job, something she can enjoy, have fun with and learn to budget once she is earning regularly. It'll give her a sense of pride and feel she's achieving something, I also sense her doing a little comfort buying (with the money you provide), just don't see her behaviour as selfish as clearly she's thoughtful (you've said as such) so there's something else going on there hence my comment regarding comfort buying. What do us ladies do to make ourselves feel better? We shop! So I'd forget the chat you initially want to have with her about this, it's time for a chat of another kind to find out what's going on with her. Help her find a saturday job and see how it goes from thereon out.
Good luck with that.
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