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cjan -> RE: doubting en it isnt D/sthe lifestyle... (3/24/2008 12:12:55 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ponyboyachilles
quote:
ORIGINAL: justhonest
due to a recent experience i had... i did met a so called DOM - but wasn't at all.
i did had to found out that he was a fake, a predator, a player - but hell not a Dom, Top, Master at all.
he use BDSM as an accusse to abuse women. in the meantime i spoke with some former women of him and they told me as well.
however - beside it is a big dissppointment ( and i have done some mistakes as well you should do as a sub - like checking references) and some personal issues the story involves... i did outted him - made my experience with him publically.
some of the lifestyle people told me about that he knew him before and that he was an abuser - but none so far one of his former women had the gut to stand up for what they saw is wrong.
for me - and that is something i really can not understand and confuse me to depths of my soul.
this lifestyle claims for themself honesty, trust, faith... and in telling the truth people attack you for outting out an abuser?
can anyone explain that to me?
or may i am just totally wrong in that lifestyle?
justhonest
It seems to me that you came across a predatory, abusive person who is using BDSM as an excuse. Predators use all kinds of excuses to gain someone's trust, and D/s is an obvious choice for such. But a fundamental cornerstone of D/s is SSC (safe, sane, & consensual) and if it isnt SSC (and it sounds like your experience wasnt) then it isnt D/s, it's abuse, plain and simple. Run, not walk, away, and the next time you find someone you think you'd like to play with, ask a trusted kinky friend to act as a "safety net" (I'm big on these) and make sure the person you intend to play with knows the safety net is there (such as requiring the new person in your life to accept a call from the safety net to go over the rules, your limits, his intentions with you, etc.) If the new person is honestly interested in D/s and in you as a person rather than a victim, he should not have a problem with spending as much time on the phone with your safety net as the safety net wishes, and acting friendly and non-threatened by the phone call. After you've agreed to meet for play, make sure the safety net has accurate personal information on the new person (real name, address, phone number, etc.) and set a specific time to call the safety net after you have left the presence of the new person. If the safety net doesnt get the agreed-upon call or you fail to say a specific pre-arranged code word during the call that lets him/her know you're OK, he/she calls the cops. If you're still uneasy after all the precautions (and you refuse to walk away at that point, which would be my recommendation), insist that the safety net be present for any play activity (and make sure your safety net has a safety net of his/her own if he/she decides to to be physically present with you and your new person during play). Most predators will reveal themselves by balking at one or more of your safety-related demands. Having said all of this, I still believe a D/s relationship is the only kind of relationship I can ever be happy in, and I presume most kinksters feel that way too. So if D/s is what you want (and only you can make that decision), I would not recommend giving up the lifestyle because you had one bad experience. Learn from it, play it safer next time, and enjoy!
Excellent advice for someone meeting to play when the parties don't really know each other, imo. Thanks for your post.
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