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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 8:59:30 AM

SailingBum

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A yep kids, job,divorce a place to live. A relationship is so far down the list it ain't funny. Not to mention she see the guy a couple times a month and talking marriage???? Doing the math that's like going out for a couple of months if he lived close to her. Not a situation I would be comfortable with.

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 9:03:19 AM

Wildfleurs

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quote:

ORIGINAL: flutteringangel

Ok, I know this may be a controversial thing here from what little I've read on these boards, but I've seen some very open minded posts and some wonderful insight and advice here, so I'm going to give it a go and ask for your opinions.

I'm still legally married, though the emotional connection with my husband has been gone for several years now. We live in the same house (different bedrooms) while I go back to school since I haven't worked in more than 10 years. He has a girlfriend and I have a Dom, and everything is out in the open. Everyone has met everyone else, and both hubs and I have made it clear to each other's partner that if things progress to such a point, that changes will be made. Right now, it is just financially easier on both of us to stay in the same house while I finish school.

It has been a little over two years since I started seeing my Dom and he has mentioned several times that he wants us to be together forever and has even mentioned marriage.

Now the twist. He ended a 6 year relationship about 6 months before I met him, but this woman still occupies a huge part of his mind and he has not healed from the breakup. He says it is over with her and there is zero chance he will get back together with her, but she still affects him every time they run into each other.

I am ready to move on with him, and really want to at least start making real plans to be together 24/7, but he's taking his nice sweet time. I've seriously considered moving to his area. I don't want to give up school and move my ums 500 miles from their dad if my Dom isn't going to move forward with our relationship, but when I have tried to talk with him about this, he just can't or won't give me a straight answer. I don't know if he is balking because I have ums or if he is just not over his ex enough to move on to a more committed relationship or even if it is just that he really just doesn't want that with me. We are exclusive right now and he does keep talking about living together. I'm just really confused. If he would just tell me what he really is thinking, I would feel like I have the information to make my decision.

So, is this something that will just take time or is it a lost cause? I'm not content to just wait indefinitely but I don't want to throw away an otherwise wonderful relationship. How do you know when it just isn't ever going to be what you hope for?

Quick question - why can't he move to be closer to you? That seems like the most reasonable arrangement because then you wouldn't have to move your UMs and they'd be able to still have both parents close by.

C~

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 9:12:41 AM

MD1Master

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You have tried speaking with him and are not getting straight answers. This is an answer within itself. Now it is time to speak with yourself and get straight answers. What is it you want? When do you want it? How do you want it? The answers to these questions should be answered first.

Now, how does this gentlemen fit within these answers? Have a discussion with him letting him clearly know your desires. Follow this up with a letter or email so that it is clear to you (and him) what you have discussed. Next, establish a timeline by which this is all to occur. I am not certain if the timeline should be shared (others can comment on this) as it could be construed as a threat. However, once the timeline passes, you need to look within yourself, find your strength and take action. This action should be identified first and not at this point as these are emotional decisions.

Be true to yourself. Ensure that when you look back you have no regrets and that you know that the gentlemen clearly understood your desires and he decided to not act upon them. This indicates he was not the right person for you. It does not indicate he is a bad person, just not right for you.

Most of all, be true to yourself and your feelings. Remember that silence is also an answer!

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Post #: 23

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 9:17:25 AM

Missokyst

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My brother and his wife divorced then lived in the same house, living separate lives for 18 yrs. They did it so the kids would not suffer, even though there were quite a number of rough years. Sometime around 2 yrs ago she met a man who wanted to marry her. He was recently divorced and in fact they hooked up during the time his marriage was ending. Anyway, they did marry. My brother moved out of the house which was mostly hers, and is living with a stripper. My ex sister-in-law is now getting a second divorce.
Personally I don't think anyone who is divorcing should remarry for at least 2 yrs, maybe more. I think they need time to be themselves, and to be sure it is not fear of being alone which draws them into another relationship so soon.
You and he may end up together, but if it were me I would want to be sure about how he feels in his own security before I would take that step.
Kyst

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Post #: 24

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 10:09:19 AM

DesFIP

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You willing to wait forever? Because I wouldn't move anywhere, assuming the divorce agreement allows you to move them that far away. Frequently you are obliged to stay within 50 miles so they can see both parents.

2 1/2 years is long enough that he should be a lot farther along with his healing. Unfortunately he's stuck in the grief cycle. Now he might free himself in 20 years, or he might not ever. If he wants to proceed, suggest he gets some professional help. Without it, I wouldn't cross the street, let alone disrupt my ums to that degree. Finish school, get a job, do what's right for your small people. They come way before some guy you rarely see who won't do what's needed to move on.

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 10:14:54 AM

stella41b

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Now let me get this right.. You're married, but it's an open relationship, hubby has got a GF, you've both got kids, you've got school, and you've also got this Dom who's 500 miles away, right? But you're bothered about your Dom being hesitant over making a commitment and also by the fact that he's still not over his previous relationship, right?

I believe in absolutes in relationships, just as in life. Your first commitment to me is to your UMs, at least until they are old enough to function independently as adults. How is the relocation going to affect them?

I'm sorry, but I don't see the wonderful relationship with your Dom. Either you're both in this together and equally committed or you're not.

Also you're the one talking about his previous relationship and the fact that he isn't over it, but you're also the one who is still married and who has still to go through the closure and logical conclusion of a dead marriage. I don't see really what difference his previous relationship makes. I mean, you have an open relationship with your husband and it's all out in the open, but somehow you seem bothered about his feelings towards the woman with whom he shared a relationship. The way I see it either you're into open relationships or you're not.

I'm sorry but I'm going to take my own position here and tell it like I see it. All of you have issues with commitments, particularly when it comes to monogamous relationships. I feel you all need to work out whether you wish to remain in open relationships or commit yourselves to monogamous relationships and start working towards whatever you have decided.

Saying that you want to be with someone isn't a commitment, at least not in my book. It's nothing more than a promise. And quite often a promise is a comfort to a fool.

< Message edited by stella41b -- 3/20/2008 10:16:53 AM >

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Post #: 26

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 10:16:05 AM

flutteringangel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

Quick question - why can't he move to be closer to you? That seems like the most reasonable arrangement because then you wouldn't have to move your UMs and they'd be able to still have both parents close by.

C~

He has a business already established and it is not something that would survive in my area, unfortunately.

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Post #: 27

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 11:55:14 AM

akisha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pissdoll

i think i actually disagree with what everyone else has said here.

you and this gentleman are BOTH not in the position to be making major changes in your life at this point and moving closer together.

you are in school and taking care of your other responsibilities. you are still married. these are your priorities. finish school and put yourself in the position for a good career that will help you support your family and gain independence. when you are able to, end your marriage and move out.

at THAT point it would be prudent to sit down with this man and lay it all out. if at that point (when you are truly single and self supporting), he can't give you what you need, then move on. but i don't see any reason for you to be in a hurry right now to uproot your life and the lives of others when what you really need to be doing is getting your education and setting yourself up for success.

I second this whole heartedly.

OP, you say you are willing to give up school if he wants you to relocate?? BAD BAD BAD idea. Make sure you are financially stable and able to solely support yourself and your children. Do not rely on a relationship that "might" work out.

It's been 2.5 years and is working, why not wait until you are finished school? A few more months or a year is not going to make that much of a difference.

#1 Rule - Take care of you and you responsibilities to you children before anything else.

He's already hesitating, maybe the extra time continuing long distance while you complete your schooling is the best thing. It will show you whether you you can move forward as a couple or not.

Rushing and giving up important things is a sign of desperation not of logical thought.

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 2:50:40 PM

Real_Trouble

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There is a quote by Casey Stengel which I believe to be among the most intelligent things ever said by a human being:

"Never make predictions, especially about the future."

There is no way to know; there is no magical sign, there is no hidden knowledge that can help you here. If there was, everyone would already know it, and we'd all be using it as a criteria. You have to think things through, consider all of your possible options, and make the best decision for you and those around you.

I will say this:

Many opportunities have been missed, and excellent options eliminated, either because of impatience or too much patience. There are times to press an issue, and there are times to simply stay calm and let things unfold. In your current situation, it sounds like there is not a pressing need to make a decision now. Is there a compelling reason you cannot wait and gather more information?

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 3:00:40 PM

flutteringangel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Real_Trouble

There is a quote by Casey Stengel which I believe to be among the most intelligent things ever said by a human being:

"Never make predictions, especially about the future."

There is no way to know; there is no magical sign, there is no hidden knowledge that can help you here. If there was, everyone would already know it, and we'd all be using it as a criteria. You have to think things through, consider all of your possible options, and make the best decision for you and those around you.

I will say this:

Many opportunities have been missed, and excellent options eliminated, either because of impatience or too much patience. There are times to press an issue, and there are times to simply stay calm and let things unfold. In your current situation, it sounds like there is not a pressing need to make a decision now. Is there a compelling reason you cannot wait and gather more information?

If I move, I want to do it this summer, while the ums are out of school and so we have time to get settled. Also, things with hubs and his girlfriend are really getting serious, and it is practical for me to start thinking ahead and making plans for what the little ones and I will do if he wants her in his life full time. He's not going to throw me out on the street or anything, but he will expect me to move and, per our agreement, I will have thirty days to do so. Seems to make more sense to me to start thinking and making plans for that situation, and that is what I am trying to do. I don't want to move my little people more than once, and hubs has said he won't prevent me from moving that far away. There are more employment opportunities as well as colleges near where my Dom lives than there are where I am living now.

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Post #: 30

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 3:11:01 PM

RCdc

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Hello angel
Before I can make any suggestions or put down my thoughts, I am going to ask what you mean by 'issues' or effects he has with his ex? And I am asking you to really sit and think - are they his issues, or yours?

the.dark.

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 3:24:42 PM

RumpusParable

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I have to agree with Pissdoll.

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 3:29:30 PM

flutteringangel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Hello angel
Before I can make any suggestions or put down my thoughts, I am going to ask what you mean by 'issues' or effects he has with his ex? And I am asking you to really sit and think - are they his issues, or yours?

the.dark.

He admits it still bothers him to see her. He says he is so glad she is out of his life but it still hurts because he did love her so much. He says he will never get back together with her though. My issue with it is just that he does let it affect him so much after all this time. They bump into each other occasionally due to work and I can always hear it in his voice before he even tells me. It stresses him and he becomes a little abrupt with me for the rest of the day. So, are they his issues or mine or do we both have issues with her?

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 3:38:50 PM

Leatherist

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This is going to be brutal.

You both need to clear the boards and come up with a plan and a timeline-or just forget this all together.

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 4:25:38 PM

FirmhandKY

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quote:

ORIGINAL: flutteringangel

Thanks for the idea. I hate the idea of ultimatums, but I am about ready to try this.

If he is a Dom, the moment you give him an ultimatum, is the moment you lose him.

Firm

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 4:28:52 PM

Leatherist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

quote:

ORIGINAL: flutteringangel

Thanks for the idea. I hate the idea of ultimatums, but I am about ready to try this.

If he is a Dom, the moment you give him an ultimatum, is the moment you lose him.

Firm

We agree.

Marks the day on the calendar.

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 4:42:52 PM

Daddyslilpookie

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I agree, a child's welfare should come before your own or anyone else for that matter. You need get a divorce and finish school and save money and then move the hell out and make sure your children are taken care of. Then you can think about moving on to another relationship. Just my 2 cents best of luck to you.

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 5:02:12 PM

Real_Trouble

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Based on what you've said, it sounds like you aren't going to be able to maintain your current situation. Thus, you need a plan one way or another.

I would suggest the following:

If you consider the situation of moving in with your current fling, the upside is that you might stumble into another good relationship and he will work things out; there is the chance for something good. However, it sounds like there is the chance it might also go off the rails, based on your reservations so far.

If you move out on your own, I'm not sure what the financial situation is, but you can be relatively sure that the upside is more constrained, but so is the downside. Basically, if you plan it well, you get what you get.

Now, you have stated you have children involved, and that one of your priorities is not moving them around repeatedly. Given that, I would have to suggest the smart move here is to protect your downside; get yourself set up and functional on your own, and make sure that the situation is stable before you worry about anything else. The well-being of others depends on you, so this is not a time to go taking risks that could play out poorly.

If you were to move near him but not with him, there's upside for the relationship, but you protect your downside if it falls apart; if job and school opportunities are better there already, that might be a nice compromise play.

Those are my thoughts based on what I've heard.

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 5:07:08 PM

jstmi

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the advice here has been very helpful i believe but there is one thing that i think is the most important of all.
honest and open communication with whatever the situation,, this may be off topic, but all the promises are great with a rosy future, but if She/ or He cannot let You into how they really think of You and what Your relationship is, then they are not worth the time. i have learned a good lesson about this and now i know just what i am looking for in a Domme. until then i will be polite and enjoy talking to many people and well if it happens it happens.

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Post #: 39

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 5:29:05 PM

domiguy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

quote:

ORIGINAL: flutteringangel

Thanks for the idea. I hate the idea of ultimatums, but I am about ready to try this.

If he is a Dom, the moment you give him an ultimatum, is the moment you lose him.

Firm

This is a load of crap...Sorry firmy. it is. What difference does being a Dom have to do with being given an ultimatum?

We live in this world of make believe. Like we are the supreme rulers of our Universe. They only reason we are in control is because someone has made a conscious choice to abdicate the decision making process...Often it is only because that is how the sub derives pleasure....It is a mutual arrangement and agreement.

Anywhooo, back to the op. I am a professional advice columnist in Chicago. So this is what you do....

You pack up and leave your husband. make sure that he is aware that child support will be expected every month....You will get it for only the first month...Then you uproot your kids. They love this kind of shit. They are resilient lil' fuckers and they make friends faster than a sub heading to the buffet line....Anywhoo, it was just a matter of time before your daughter stopped talking to Courtney, her best friend, anyways...Courtney is such a little bitch and she won't stop talking to Austin even though she knows how much your daughter likes him....The kids will only hate you for a few years...They will learn a valuable lesson about making sacrifices for family. You are going to have to drop out of school...No big deal! What were the odds of you actually completing something that you started...Not very good.

So then, your "new" Dom, that still would like to ply the ass of his ex, will be more than pleased to have you and your whole family jump down his throat. Nothing like an immediate family to get the juices flowing.

At this point, he will probably consider moving 500 miles away to live with your ex...I hear the guy is offering some reasonable rent.

I can't wait to hear about you success.

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