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Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 5:59:12 AM

flutteringangel

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Joined: 3/16/2008
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Ok, I know this may be a controversial thing here from what little I've read on these boards, but I've seen some very open minded posts and some wonderful insight and advice here, so I'm going to give it a go and ask for your opinions.

I'm still legally married, though the emotional connection with my husband has been gone for several years now. We live in the same house (different bedrooms) while I go back to school since I haven't worked in more than 10 years. He has a girlfriend and I have a Dom, and everything is out in the open. Everyone has met everyone else, and both hubs and I have made it clear to each other's partner that if things progress to such a point, that changes will be made. Right now, it is just financially easier on both of us to stay in the same house while I finish school.

It has been a little over two years since I started seeing my Dom and he has mentioned several times that he wants us to be together forever and has even mentioned marriage.

Now the twist. He ended a 6 year relationship about 6 months before I met him, but this woman still occupies a huge part of his mind and he has not healed from the breakup. He says it is over with her and there is zero chance he will get back together with her, but she still affects him every time they run into each other.

I am ready to move on with him, and really want to at least start making real plans to be together 24/7, but he's taking his nice sweet time. I've seriously considered moving to his area. I don't want to give up school and move my ums 500 miles from their dad if my Dom isn't going to move forward with our relationship, but when I have tried to talk with him about this, he just can't or won't give me a straight answer. I don't know if he is balking because I have ums or if he is just not over his ex enough to move on to a more committed relationship or even if it is just that he really just doesn't want that with me. We are exclusive right now and he does keep talking about living together. I'm just really confused. If he would just tell me what he really is thinking, I would feel like I have the information to make my decision.

So, is this something that will just take time or is it a lost cause? I'm not content to just wait indefinitely but I don't want to throw away an otherwise wonderful relationship. How do you know when it just isn't ever going to be what you hope for?

Post #: 1

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:09:50 AM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
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quote:

ORIGINAL: flutteringangel

How do you know when it just isn't ever going to be what you hope for?

I can't speak from experience, as I've never been in a similar situation, but my immediate reaction doesn't tell me anything very positive. He split up from his previous relationship two and a half years ago - it's fine that he needs time to heal still, but it's his evasiveness that would make me uneasy. It tells me that he isn't sure about what he wants - and that would mean you might be first on the line when he finally makes a decision.

You know him and you know yourself better than anyone: does it feel right? If you feel confident that the situation will get resolved, trust your instinct. Otherwise, I think I would walk.

Good luck.

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Post #: 2

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:11:01 AM

xxblushesxx

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From: Kentucky
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He's given you an answer.
You just have to listen.

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Post #: 3

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:11:02 AM

Madame4a

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From: Washington, DC area
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I don't know if you ever really know when it won't work. Often people know when it will... personally, I've thought that sometimes and either things have changed, or I was wrong originally.

One thing you can't do, you can't predict the future, no one can. In addition, you can't make decisions or decide what might happen without some information.

Ask him? The differences between it being the UMs or the ex is huge ... in other words, find out about his hesitation -- getting over the ex could happen, but getting over your UMs is not likely I would think. His hestiation means something but it would be a good idea to find out what it is. Sometimes people say all the right things but their actions are what you must pay attention to.

Talk to him and ask. From what you say, I'd approach it like this:

you tell me you want to get married but you hesitate for me to move there with you

what is it?

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 3/20/2008 6:12:39 AM >

(in reply to flutteringangel)

Post #: 4

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:15:40 AM

flutteringangel

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I'm really not sure. Most of the time I'm really happy and content. He gives me a ton of attention, makes me feel special and loved, reminds me that I am his slave, and talks about the future. Sometimes, though, I just get this sense that, like you said, he doesn't know what he really wants.

The communication thing really bothers me. I brought it up not too long ago and told him how much it really hurt me when he wouldn't gve me straight answers, and since then, he has been doing so much better - except in this area.

The long distance thing is really getting to me. I want to see him more often and that is why I was thinking of making the move. It won't be easy for me, but I would do it in a heartbeat if I knew he wanted me closer.

(in reply to kittinSol)

Post #: 5

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:16:41 AM

xxblushesxx

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From: Kentucky
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Hun, if he wanted you closer you would know.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to flutteringangel)

Post #: 6

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:18:27 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
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From: Savannah, GA
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my first thought was you got together with him 6 months after his breakup.. REBOUND. Even if it HAS lasted for 2 and a half years, there's no real investment, since you're a 'safe' distance away (500 miles, so I would assume you don't seem him daily, or even weekly? ).

of course, I could be wrong.

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Post #: 7

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:18:48 AM

Justme696

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From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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If you loved some one for a long time and are hurt, then;
- you are often afraid to step in the next relation...eventhough it seems like heaven.
-often can't forget the past lover because there is so much you shared.

I would suggest you give him 2 weeks to a month..to make up his mind. This won't pressure him...because of the time...and you will get an answer.
If the answer is not satisfying to you.....I am afraid you will have to end it. (else the time limit has no use)
Aslong you accept his "non answering"...he will see no need to answer.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to Madame4a)

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RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:19:16 AM

flutteringangel

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I have asked, not specifically about me moving there, but about his thoughts of our relaitonship and what he sees happening in the long and short term for us. I have yet to hear anything but circular talk that doesn't tell me anything. He says he is in love with me, wants to grow old with me, but yet can't have an open, clear conversation about potentially making plans? It's so frustrating!

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 9

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:21:42 AM

flutteringangel

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Joined: 3/16/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

If you loved some one for a long time and are hurt, then;
- you are often afraid to step in the next relation...eventhough it seems like heaven.
-often can't forget the past lover because there is so much you shared.

I would suggest you give him 2 weeks to a month..to make up his mind. This won't pressure him...because of the time...and you will get an answer.
If the answer is not satisfying to you.....I am afraid you will have to end it. (else the time limit has no use)
Aslong you accept his "non answering"...he will see no need to answer.

Thanks for the idea. I hate the idea of ultimatums, but I am about ready to try this.

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 10

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:22:46 AM

flutteringangel

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Joined: 3/16/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

my first thought was you got together with him 6 months after his breakup.. REBOUND. Even if it HAS lasted for 2 and a half years, there's no real investment, since you're a 'safe' distance away (500 miles, so I would assume you don't seem him daily, or even weekly? ).

of course, I could be wrong.

We see each other every other weekend, usually. Sometimes, it goes as long as a month between visits, but not often.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 11

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:24:29 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
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From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: flutteringangel

Thanks for the idea. I hate the idea of ultimatums, but I am about ready to try this.

that is why you have the problem ;)
it shouldn't be needed, agree..but he gives you no choice sadly.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to flutteringangel)

Post #: 12

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:24:46 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
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From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

ok, but still... I'm still inclined to go with my initial thought of rebound (why buy the cow if you're getting the milk free). I hope for your sake that I'm wrong, and I wish you well... *hugs*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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Post #: 13

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:25:51 AM

LadyHathor

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you may not like this response, however, you have children--by that yiu have made an obligation and a comitment to provide THEM with a quality of life--and that does not mean the daddydujour, IMHO--if this was vanilla and you had the same missing cues--would you consider moving?

They must be the focus of your decisions---what would you do if you moved in a whim and ended up poof--with no support group? If one is elusive about commitments, it is My experience that they are elusive about commitments.

Proceed with caution.

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to flutteringangel)

Post #: 14

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:27:04 AM

flutteringangel

Posts: 13
Joined: 3/16/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Hun, if he wanted you closer you would know.

Thanks, I was just about to say I was too dense to see what you meant in your last post. I sometimes feel that I don't really know anything when it comes to relationships. Just when I get to the point with him that I am ready to walk away, he does something incredible and tells me how much he loves me and wants me. More than once I have felt like a ping pong ball, being hit from one side to the next.

He keeps saying he doesn't want to do anything to hurt my ums, that they love their father, that they have their school, that I have responsibilites to keep their life stable. But I think too often that is just his way of deflecting the real issues as he is well aware that if my hubs and his girlfriend decide to move in together that my ums life will change in the same way as if I move.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 15

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:30:26 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: flutteringangel

He keeps saying he doesn't want to do anything to hurt my ums, that they love their father, that they have their school, that I have responsibilites to keep their life stable. But I think too often that is just his way of deflecting the real issues as he is well aware that if my hubs and his girlfriend decide to move in together that my ums life will change in the same way as if I move.

This paragraph... is him giving you his reason for you not moving.. there may be more.. but he's giving you the reason not to move... he doesn't want you to...

(in reply to flutteringangel)

Post #: 16

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:31:40 AM

flutteringangel

Posts: 13
Joined: 3/16/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

you may not like this response, however, you have children--by that yiu have made an obligation and a comitment to provide THEM with a quality of life--and that does not mean the daddydujour, IMHO--if this was vanilla and you had the same missing cues--would you consider moving?

They must be the focus of your decisions---what would you do if you moved in a whim and ended up poof--with no support group? If one is elusive about commitments, it is My experience that they are elusive about commitments.

Proceed with caution.

Thanks for your response. I take my responsibilities as a parent very seriously, and there will be no daddy du jour. I am not speaking of moving in with my Dom, only moving to his town. As I said, their life would change if hubs and his girlfriend continue to move forward and as soon as I finish school, it would as well, as the arrangement with hubs is only until that time.

< Message edited by flutteringangel -- 3/20/2008 6:32:59 AM >

(in reply to LadyHathor)

Post #: 17

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 6:38:36 AM

suessub

Posts: 71
Joined: 1/18/2008
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Other than the differences, I was in a similar situation 15 years ago. I started having an affair with a married woman, who was in a dead marriage. We had known each other for almost a year before we actually started having the affair. I knew she was the woman for me, even though everything was vanilla.

After a couple weeks of fooling around, and she was not hiding our affair from her husband, I began to be unable to stand the uncertainty of whether this was just a spring fling or something more. We would often talk of our deep love for each other and how many UMs we wanted and the such things. But she could not decide as to end her marriage or not.

So I did what was most likely the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. I told her I would not continue with things until she made up her mind. And no, I would not play poker with her husband, with her as the wager. That suggestion was what made me understand she was trying everything to avoid the decision. I decided to force the matter.

Some time passed (seemed like months, was only weeks) and she finally figured out what she wanted. She left him and we had a chance to court and date without this other relationship hanging over us. A couple years later we married. And now we live a D/s life. So doing the hardest thing allowed us to move forward and find deep happiness.

If your Dom is the one for you, then that fact will be stronger than anything else. Your connection to him will survive you telling him to figure out what he wants. Tell him you will make time for him once he decides his old relationship is behind him. Get lost in your studies (I was in school as well when the above took place) and wait.

Being submissive does not mean being weak. We have a gift to give and must decide carefully to who and when to give it. For myself, the one I give my submission to must be able to accept it completely.

(in reply to flutteringangel)

Post #: 18

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 8:22:30 AM

pissdoll

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Joined: 5/25/2005
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i think i actually disagree with what everyone else has said here.

you and this gentleman are BOTH not in the position to be making major changes in your life at this point and moving closer together.

you are in school and taking care of your other responsibilities. you are still married. these are your priorities. finish school and put yourself in the position for a good career that will help you support your family and gain independence. when you are able to, end your marriage and move out.

at THAT point it would be prudent to sit down with this man and lay it all out. if at that point (when you are truly single and self supporting), he can't give you what you need, then move on. but i don't see any reason for you to be in a hurry right now to uproot your life and the lives of others when what you really need to be doing is getting your education and setting yourself up for success.

(in reply to flutteringangel)

Post #: 19

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? - 3/20/2008 8:36:19 AM

MasterWilliam55

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Joined: 1/27/2006
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pissdoll is right on the money. It's about priorities and responsibility. Get your education, see to your childrens welfare and then you can think about playing.

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