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Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 1:20:26 PM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		I hope that as I write this, its succint and not too convuluted-- when we define ourselves as being in this life--we tend to hmmm rush headlong, filled with expectations, hope, promise--maybe more than if we stayed in vanilla---
 
and then the time comes when we get the chance to meet someone, be with someone of  the same ilk--then bam, it fails miserably--He doesn't show up, She is a fake, he has more baggage than Fanny Brice in a Ziegfield Show, she is in debt up to her---well whatever, it bombs---
 
Does that fill you with guilt and send you back to the vanill world for a time, thinking, filled with shame, remorse, hiding from who you are?  Questioning who you are?
 
What do you do to bolster your faith, your trust? What paces do you put the new "one" through, paying  the price for the old?
 
Certainly, we cannot all be so terribly secure that we do not have moments of OMG why did I do that, why am I here, what will I do differently next time?
 
I know for Me, I have felt disillusioned, angry, embarassed---I have left the "life" and it wasn't a month and I'm missing what I am, what My dreams are--and I came back.
 
and you?
 
 
 
 

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.
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RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 1:27:16 PM   
luvnchains


Posts: 52
Joined: 8/17/2005
Status: offline 		Personally, I try to take it as a lesson, and believe me, I've had some doozies!  But taking what I may have viewed as my mistakes and turning them into something to learn from, I don't have to dwell or feel injured ( or really peeved) about experiences that help to form boundries and enlighten me to some degree.
But that's just my experience.

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 1:30:10 PM   
PinkDice


Posts: 17
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		IMO a M/s or D/s dynamic does not change the fact that it's still a relationship of some sort. It is *very* easy to be disappointed with all or some facets of any commitment, whether it be that of a friendship, vanilla partnership, parent/child, or Master/slave. I have not yet been commited to anybody in any kind of way relating to BDSM, so it's difficult for me to weigh in heavily on the aftermath of the dissolution of such a union. I think it's probably best, however, to try your damndest to not carry baggage into something that follows a particularly nasty experience.

*Edited (as all of my posts seem to be) for spelling and grammar. I really should edit carefully.


< Message edited by PinkDice -- 2/16/2008 1:31:57 PM >

(in reply to LadyHathor)
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RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 1:33:25 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		The failings within others do not alter who I am at my core.  I'm not in this life for anyone but me. 

People will disappoint now and again, such is human frailty.  I have and will disappoint others now and again, such is my frailty. 

Life goes on either way.


_____________________________



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RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 1:34:22 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		I have not really had these problems to any great extent.
I have learned, for ME, there is no substitute for getting to know someone WELL,
before having any type of serious relationship.
 
If someone is not interested in taking the TIME or does not WANT to take the time to get to know me WELL, before we engage in "BDSM activities" and "play", then they are not the one for me anyway.

It is great being a Dominant woman, because I do indeed make the RULES, set the pace, and
things are going to go at MY rate of speed.
Ain't it fun to be in charge?
 
I have been this way for at least 15 years, and I will never change my stance on this.
I don't work well with mixed messages and confusion.
 I am not desperate or in a hurry, and I don't want anyone else that is desperate or in a hurry.

I encourage all the younger people in my life to also take things slowly. 
I try to lead by example.
Peace

< Message edited by MzMia -- 2/16/2008 1:49:03 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 2:07:55 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		I also want to add that I could leave this "lifestyle", but I can't change who I am.
 
I have never really been "vanilla", and I just "discovered" this lifestyle 5 years ago.
 
I was always a square peg in a round hole world, I may never meet my perfect mate, but I can't
leave what I am.
 
I am a Dominant woman from the womb to the tomb, regardless of whether I have a partner/submissive or not.
I sometimes wish I could leave, but I have no where to go.
I yam what I yam.
And I love it!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 2/16/2008 2:09:44 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 2:12:10 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		http://www.collarchat.com/m_548339/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#548757
To trust or not to trust

http://www.collarchat.com/m_534521/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#534848
trust and abandonment issues

http://www.collarchat.com/m_48957/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#48957
trust betrayed by master

http://www.collarchat.com/m_96129/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#96129
will I ever trust a man again

http://www.collarchat.com/m_329482/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#329482
learning to trust again after being hurt

http://www.collarchat.com/m_346651/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#346651
how do you deal with broken trust?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_398537/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#398537
trust...how to mend when it is broken


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 2:21:33 PM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		Every now and again, something will happen (possibly even something you offered as an example) and it shakes me to the core.  Not so much that I think to give anything up or question who I am, but more on the lines of "hey, here is something I wasn't aware of" or "here is something I wasn't seeing". 
If I fall victim to somebody's con, I may question my judgement, but one bad person doesn't ruin it for the other hundred good people I may meet.
Usually, I try to learn from it and move on. 

I can also be the one to make the mistake, sometimes, you have something for so long that you don't even think of it as an issue unless it comes up in conversation.   Like you said about debt, if someone is just paying their bills without thinking about it conciously, they might not even think how it would affect a new relationship.
If I am the one at fault, I try to rectify what I did wrong.  I am NOT perfect and I'll be the first to apologize if I am wrong.

The more mistakes I make, the better I get at life.  As long as nobody gets hurt, I'm good with it.

Lady Jag

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 2:26:19 PM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		yes LA, but these don't give us YOUR insight with the wisdom you've gained and how you would approach this today...

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 2:30:33 PM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		IN and outside the lifestyle..bad things happen..and make you feel bad..and make you rethink your actions.
I just keep going..afther recovering..and hope the next person will be better then the previous.


_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 2:42:47 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		Having never defined myself as vanilla even though I have been married vanilla once, I can't say that it sends me running back to a vanilla world. I refuse to feel guilty for anything I do. It works better for me if I think about what I am going to do and I figure if I am going to feel guilty it is the wrong thing to do and don't do it. It doesn't mean I don't make mistakes, I make a ton of them, like every one else, it just means I am ready to accept the consequences of my errors, learn from them and move on. I do on the other hand feel sorrow, remorse, hurt and pain just like everyone else as well.

No matter what life choices you make, vanilla, rocky road, peanuts and perppermint, when things go bad, all you can do it pick yourself up, dust off the footprints on your back and go forward from there.

poenkitten (who has made some doozies)


(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 2:49:13 PM   
sarzyness


Posts: 23
Joined: 3/2/2007
Status: offline 		no matter what kind of lifestyle your in, theres always a chance to be treated badly, or humiliated, or they dont show up, or they have baggage

if you meet vanillas offline, then i think theres basically the same amount of chance that the  same problems will occur  if you meet people in the BDSM lifestyle from offline.

but there is a greater chance that you would meet with someone from a BDSM lifestyle offline, than there would be you meeting a vanilla, because its far easlier just to go to the pub if you want to meet a vanilla, which means that person may have less social problems or whatever than a vanilla you meet off the net, but you wouldnt meet a vanilla pff the net in the 1st place, cuz its easier to just go down the pub... 

ive forgotten the point im trying to make..... i hope you can kinda get the gist of what im trying to say!

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 3:03:01 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I don't think the odds are any different of meeting someone, or a string of someones, who aren't what you need them to be whether you're here, at a church group, or on eharmony.

I think if you are the sort to do lots of drama, build up unfounded expectations, crash dramatically, and whine about it to all your friends; then you'll do so.

It comes down always to knowing yourself, knowing what you have to offer, what your problems are, what you need, what you won't abide, and taking sufficient time to learn about the possible in order to make a good guess as to whether or not you'll be compatible. And not to build up any expectations about a meeting at Starbucks except that you propose to get an overpriced cup of coffee.

Decide to skip any of the necessary steps and unneeded drama will surely occur. There are no short cuts to establishing a good relationship.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to sarzyness)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 3:04:44 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Though these things mentioned thus far may sting, I do not find them to be any more than a general course in courtship regardless of the relationship style.  It may require a step back to reevaluate self and to make sure that the sins of one are not revisited upon the next partner. 

My attention is drawn to those that fall victim to complete breaches of trust.  The horror of a dominant that forgets that sometimes no really does mean no or a vindictive submissive with nothing better to do than to ruin a dominant by filing false charges.  That is another thread altogether, but when I read about such things I lose some of my faith in what I am doing and find myself treading with almost paranoid caution.  It is difficult to regain a sense that I can trust my own self-preservation.  I have to remind myself why I am here and how it is that I keep myself from harm.  I learn from others' unfortunate circumstances.  From there, it is a leap of faith one more time into the mysterious world of the enigma that is mankind (myself included). 

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 3:14:05 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		My gut reaction to the OP was, if I read it correctly, much like Des'.  This seems to be more of an issue of meeting people from the internet than an issue of meeting someone who is "in the lifestyle".  If a blind date that a friend arranges stands you up, you may swear off blind dating.  But it doesn't mean you swear off dating altogether (well, at least to me it wouldn't). So if an internet meet-up bombs, why would you run from BDSM instead of running from the internet (if you run at all, but that wasn't my point).

Cali



_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to lovingpet)
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RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 3:24:14 PM   
Paulsgirl


Posts: 249
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

I hope that as I write this, its succint and not too convuluted-- when we define ourselves as being in this life--we tend to hmmm rush headlong, filled with expectations, hope, promise--maybe more than if we stayed in vanilla---
 
and then the time comes when we get the chance to meet someone, be with someone of  the same ilk--then bam, it fails miserably--He doesn't show up, She is a fake, he has more baggage than Fanny Brice in a Ziegfield Show, she is in debt up to her---well whatever, it bombs---
 
Does that fill you with guilt and send you back to the vanill world for a time, thinking, filled with shame, remorse, hiding from who you are?  Questioning who you are?
 
What do you do to bolster your faith, your trust? What paces do you put the new "one" through, paying  the price for the old?
 
Certainly, we cannot all be so terribly secure that we do not have moments of OMG why did I do that, why am I here, what will I do differently next time?
 
I know for Me, I have felt disillusioned, angry, embarassed---I have left the "life" and it wasn't a month and I'm missing what I am, what My dreams are--and I came back.
 
and you?
 
 
 
 


Oh i try and try again to leave it....because i mean i was 'somebody else' before i took my collar....i mean i still am but it i am different. He is just flesh and blood and what goes between us looks unnaturally like devotion to others but is natural to us as we are part of a Whole.

This kind of looks weird from the vanilla world....why i do what i do, why i put up with what i do, why i serve, why i love so deeply and respect so much that it defines others' pictures of what a couple should look like and it even defies my own pictures.

i try to leave it...for a few hours, for a few minutes, inside my own head....and i feel sad and i feel i have failed and i feel i did not do it right this thing called service.

It hurts when i leave and i only keep trying to leave because i am testing His abilities to 'keep' me....not financially or even in the same house but i test His abilities to keep me nevertheless. i test His patience and i test the difference between my abilities to serve and my co-dendence. This is a fine line since without serving i am not fulfilling my dharma, i am not being me.

But the truth is i crave 'it' and i crave 'it' through Him: those rare moments when He is sleeping and i wrap myself around His back and he asks me for massage, for comfort. When he asks for lifts from the airport coming in from who knows where....when He asks me for anything then He honours me with His needs.

i can absorb any other form of pain from Him: i can absprb all of his needs to revenge, to dominate, and to prove His power in the world through me. But it hurts my heart when He does not need me: and i cannot absorb the hurt of Him not needing me.
And so i return.....again....and again........




< Message edited by Paulsgirl -- 2/16/2008 4:09:24 PM >

_____________________________

Formerly Prinsexx

~There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.~
Anais Nin

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 3:29:44 PM   
Paulsgirl


Posts: 249
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
And not to build up any expectations about a meeting at Starbucks except that you propose to get an overpriced cup of coffee.

.


There's no cultural differences there then ......

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 4:07:18 PM   
Griswold


Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline 		Thankfully, I don't make mistakes, so I don't have to worry about these silly concepts.

(in reply to Paulsgirl)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 4:32:23 PM   
MistressVnus


Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline
quote:

Certainly, we cannot all be so terribly secure that we do not have moments of OMG why did I do that, why am I here, what will I do differently next time? 
I know for Me, I have felt disillusioned, angry, embarassed---I have left the "life" and it wasn't a month and I'm missing what I am, what My dreams are--and I came back.


I have NEVER left the life.  I've taken a repreive, you might say, due to reasons that life puts in our way, sometimes.
But I've never gone back to vanilla.  Ever.
Yes, I've learned some deep, painful lessons about how to choose a partner.  And, yes, those who've come behind those who have taught me my own lessons, are under deeper scrutiny.  And, the boudaries of what I will accept, chemistry or not, has become more refined.  I say that because, although chemistry is important to me, it can also be one's worst enemy if not paying attention to one's own needs. 
I'm not angry or resentful about any of these lessons.  They have only served to make me understand more about myself, the person I really seek, and how to treasure those moments with each person I've had the opportunity to be close to.  No matter how long it lasted.  Or, how it ended.  It was a special journey, nonetheless.  And, all who have crossed my path have made me the Woman/Domina I am today.  And, as my most treasured Mentor taught me (RIP), I always did what was in the best interest of those in my care.  Sometimes at my own expense.  But, I took on that responsibility, so that's what I did.  And, because of a great Teacher, I have never found the need to be ashamed.   And, I feel pretty dayum good about that.



< Message edited by MistressVnus -- 2/16/2008 4:58:29 PM >

_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Rebuillding Faith and Trust - 2/16/2008 4:41:24 PM   
vampchick88


Posts: 346
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline 		 A few that I had met in person did not pan out. I took my losses no matter how big they were and moved on to the best of my ability knowing there was somone out there for me. When my pet first contacted me I was still a bit distant leaving a few days in between our emails. Then I considered to make him mine, I had trust issues because of a really bad repeating past. Though I'm beginning to get over it because of the fact this man has not done one thing to make me thing differently, given me any cause to be suspicious, or to hurt me. So I've had to put my past behind me and give him the clean slate he's deserved. I once had an awesome teacher who told me this quote "Would you rather talk to noone in fear of getting a broken heart, or would you rather take that chance and know all the wonderful opportunities out there for you." Thats been my viewpoint.

_____________________________

Proud owner of rubberpet, the best investment of my time, trust, and heart that any Domme could ever dream of.

(in reply to MistressVnus)
Profile   Post #: 20
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