RE: Sexless D/s... (Full Version)

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Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 8:36:20 AM)

june,
 
Before I ever play with anyone it is discussed to the hilt that I do not have sexual relationships, no way shape form no how not gonna happen, then I stae the here's when's and why's that it isnt going to happen. And you dont get a whole lot blunter than saying "No, I have absolutely no intentions of having sex with you".
 
The problems I run across are with the ones that aparently can not or refuse to or just dont grasp the concept that play time is different. They will agree to everything up front but when push comes to shove its a whole different ball game. Just as someone who may want ( insert whatever kink thing here) and when it comes time to act on it they'll back out. While it may have been discussed and you think for sure someone gets it, thats just not always the case.
 
Now if I was running around being a cock tease and offering sex up to someone and then backing out of it, then I could see where they may get misconstrued and pissed about it, but *I* do not do that.



azropedntied -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 9:29:45 AM)

What you seem to be running into is people with a lack of or no respect for you at all .There is no honor in  their action yes yes  play with me , you know there will be no sex  YES YES  just play with me ..paly play play gimmie sex , No i said no sex well how dare you .NO how dare them .I would say if your not making it  abundantly clear  then do that  or get more picky  in who your doing the exchanges with if they can not respect your boundries .
ALL of my exchanges are no sex incertions , if they do not like it bummer .I used to play casualy  now prefer  not to so much as i also feel  its a much more meaningful exchange when  parties know one another .
From what i have read your being  clear in your message  and it may be the  others  just plain ole not respecting you , your words , and who you are . In that case let them find  omeone else .



JasonF -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 9:42:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reflectivesoul

The problems I run across are with the ones that aparently can not or refuse to or just dont grasp the concept that play time is different. They will agree to everything up front but when push comes to shove its a whole different ball game. Just as someone who may want ( insert whatever kink thing here) and when it comes time to act on it they'll back out. While it may have been discussed and you think for sure someone gets it, thats just not always the case.


I'd just say that people who can't "get" that you don't mix sex and BDSM shouldn't be allowed the enjoyment of BDSM-style play with you.

You negotiate parameters, and if they don't "get it", then you probably should find someone that does.





solvr70 -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 11:14:18 AM)

a very good question.

i would not specifically, expect a Domme to sleep with me per-say, but the types of D/s activities i enjoy do have sexual aspect to them - see profile and posts in the message boards for a wealth of details on those.

i do seek very much what You describe, with the utimate goal being B/both parties reacing new levels of excitement and pleasure. so a win-win if you will. but, i seem to be in the minority



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 12:27:40 PM)


There are some people that cant imagine d's without sex and those that cant imagine d's involving sex. Either way is great. the problem comes when the two types meet and think they can change the others mind.



sweetwenchie -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 12:31:06 PM)

i engage in non-sexual casual play with friends.  While i am single it enables me to still enjoy play time without expectations of anything else developing.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 12:35:10 PM)

Good question, R.S....and nice to see you back on the boards.

Part of the confusion for some submissives may come from the fact that you engage in sexual play of a sort with them (you noted the use of anal toys...do you use CBT, nipple stimulation, etc.?). For myself, when I play casually, I really try very hard from any sort of penetration of any orifice with any toy. I may spank it, flog it, clamp it, wax it... but I really work hard at staying away from using toys of any sort to penetrate. I also veer away from concentrating too long on those areas. That seems to be seen by a lot of the female submissives I know as a form of sexual play and, perhaps, it is being seen that way by many of your male submissives and they are having a hard time answering the question..."If she does THIS to me sexually, why won't she do THAT sexually"?



Leatherist -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 1:12:42 PM)

I'm really not the sort who can seperate the two, so I just avoid playing for now.



domiguy -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 1:16:01 PM)

When I get around to seeing someones tits and ass, whether they have been appropriately "reddened" or not, I think they can expect a rather intimate introduction to the Domidong.



TysGalilah -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 3:06:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reflectivesoul

Tyson,
 
I'm not sure how to reply/take your post. That it was not D/s because it is experienced differently to you now versus when it happened?
 
I do understand the needing something to be more though. I have never discouraged anyone from finding what they need/want. I know that for some it takes a "complete" involvement, for me it doesnt. I'm involved emotionally to a degree with the people I play with, sometimes beyond that of any sexual relationship I have had, again that depends on the other person how they feel, how they respond to me etc. For some its not that deep of an emotional connect its more of a convenience, they need someone to play with and I'm local and it ends up being beneficial for us both. ( I almost prefer this way because the lines havent crossed nearly as bad as for someone that may be coming from out of town)
 
 


Hi RS

perhaps I should clarify.
my response was only from my own  experience.  I am in no way saying that if sex/penetration is not involved it is not Ds.
no.
For me, during that 2 yr > I was very new to all these feelings I was having and learning about....and was attempting to understand and feel my submission with a man who was Topping me  vs  being my dominant.  I learned ( for me ) that  why it was so difficult for me was that I was surrendering my body to him in a scene, but not in a  relationship where I was able to experience my submission and give all I wanted and needed to give and serve. And that, personally ( not speaking for anyone else ) I needed different parameters and freedom of emotions from both people> to be able to do that.

I realize there are many different types of relationships and some involve sex/penetration and/or dominance and submission and some do not.  I would not attempt to label or define anyone elses experiences/desires/relationships dynamics.

I hope that clarifies.
thanks for your response to my response : )

Cyndi





junecleaver -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 3:17:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19


There are some people that cant imagine d's without sex and those that cant imagine d's involving sex. Either way is great. the problem comes when the two types meet and think they can change the others mind.


Ditto.  Ditto.  Ditto.

Relective soul,
Nothing wrong with being a cock tease every now and then.[;)]  But I understand what you are saying.  Good luck finding better partners in the future.



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 4:21:26 PM)

Thanks for your post, I have sent several packing and on their way to find someone else, it just ends up being something that *irks* the hell out of me, because I am honest with people and I am very straight forward with them, and it *feels* like they end up not putting the amount of time into the thought process as they should have. ( which is more than likely true otherwise I wouldnt run into these things)



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 4:24:47 PM)

yes, I have a few "regular" casual play partners that do get it, and thats where I tend to hang my flogger [:D]



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 5:01:25 PM)

Thanks for your post, I was hoping a few more of the boys would come out of the woordowrk and give their thoughts on the matter.
 
I have read your profile, before now due to some posts on other threads.
 
I guess for the general conclusion for most who have posted, my thoughts are it depends on where they are in the stages of what they need, hope for, desire as to if casual is their way or not their way. For me it doesnt boil down to just not meeting the right one, as I have met some that my lines have blurred and those I have made the choice to walk away from, I dont need the confusion and I dont care to risk my situation ( in the rest of the world) because I blurred my own rules.
 
Casual for me isnt something that I take lightly and I never would, but I also am very aware of whats going on inside the relationships I do have with the casuals I play with. When and if it comes to a point where I know that one of my " regulars" starts needing/wanting more from me than I am willing to give, I send them off to find what they need "now" versus what they needed when I came across them. I would hope that in the end they would appreciate not only gaining the experience, but knowing that rather than give them an emotional hang up I'll send them on to whatever their next steo may be. Realistically needs change, desires change, its a process of growing as a person, just for me, I dont care to change my way of it until I am more suited to a situational change.
 
Try checking with your local munch you may very well find someone that will give you the casual play time, and if anything you'll definately be able to find other like minded folks to share your time with. Good luck to you too in finding your "next" step.



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 5:04:31 PM)

wenchie,
 
ty for the post, you and I seem to be right on target with the goal of casual play. Its nice to be able to keep the play time, find new indeas, grow in that experience, without having the complications of adding anything more.



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 5:34:55 PM)

CD hiya Doll [:D],
 
There are very few that I do engage in "sexual" type play with, and those are ones that I have known a very long time and I know dont have a hang up with the no touchy on my part. For someone new to me or that I havent played with for long, nuh uh nope, because I am aware of the line of thought that you brought up. Yes I use nipple play and cbt along with various other things. Again thats with someone I know that is comfortable with the entire situation.
 
*edited cause I forgot to answer your question*



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 5:40:08 PM)

Cyndi,
 
Thanks for the clarification, I'm glad that you were able to grow from the experiences you have had and that you've found the right fit for you, its always nice when the pieces fall into the right places *smiles*.



PsyVamp -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 5:43:52 PM)

There are some people I play with casually that I wouldn't even consider having sex with.  Although I believe that sex (as you defined it) can be a natural extension of play, I don't believe it is inevitable.

Lady Jag



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 9:51:16 PM)

My girl and I aren't sexual partners. We're not compatible...she's het. I'm actually less likely to have sex with a submissive person simply because I want to be done, not do someone else. If I can get that arrangement from my submissive partner, it works. But, I've found that submissives/bottoms, especially submissive/bottom men want to be done. Too much work for me. *chuckle*

Master Fire



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 10:07:38 PM)

Hiya Fire [:D],
 
Gee I feel like its a " home coming" or something heh, a lot of my fav people keep poppin up outta the woodwork *yay*
 
I have found that sometimes its just easier to play with women, that they dont try to bend the rules so much as the boys ( as far as sex goes) at the same time though I'm not interested in a sexual relationship with women at all and so I think by saying that, that helps with the girls too.
 
 



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