Sexless D/s... (Full Version)

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Reflectivesoul -> Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 1:26:29 AM)

Dv, shawn and I had a discussion a few days ago that has left me wondering how the rest of the people in D/s view their particular play times.
 
My questions are based on a semi-casual play partner, meaning you know this person, have some sort of relationship with them ( friend for example but not boyfriend/girlfriend) and you choose to play with them but still remain only as a "friend", be is because of circumstances or distance or whatever. Also by sexless I do NOT mean that there is no sexual contact, what I do mean is that there is no penile to vaginal penetration.
 
Now that being said, the point of the post is I'm wondering how many of you seperate sex from your D/s play, how many of you see it as a vital part of your play, and how many/who expects it to be part of any D/s relationship they are in.
 
For the male submissives do you expect that when you meet a FemDom that she will eventually sleep with you, if not right away she surely will? Do you set expectations or limits that if there is no involved sex then there is no play?
 
For me personally I have a very rigid rule of no sex with someone that is a casual play partner, I have found this to be a difficult rule to have sink into many of the males that I know. They either end up with some deluded idea that *I* just havent met the right one, or for some reason that its a challenge to see if they can break that rule, but either way I find it highly disrespectful considering that anyone I meet is informed that I have no intentions of sleeping with them. Its caused a few really nasty seperations when someone has misconstrued the idea because I still play with them.  I feel that as a basic human right, you have the right to say NO and to put forth a limit on how far *you* personally are willing to go, just as a submissive sets their hard limits, why is it that people think that *My* sex limit would be any different than that?
 
Anyhow I look forward to hearing what you all have to say and hopefully this will cease to be such a nagging pain in my side...
 
~RS~



Honsoku -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 3:02:50 AM)

I have had casual partners where no sex was involved, though I haven't had the case occur where the partner was someone I wanted to have sex with. Not saying that this couldn't happen, it just hasn't happened for me. I could see it happening in the future. So, yes I can separate the two, just most of the time I don't want to.

Yes, the problem is on their end, since you were upfront about the "no sex" rule. A lot of people lay down "no sex" rules and eventually violate them, so others have learned to take such declarations with a grain of salt. They just aren't listening, or assuming that they are special.



RavenMuse -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 3:22:39 AM)

It is like any other 'boundery issue', if that is what I have stated that is what is stuck to.... if they don't like it then "there is the door and don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out". Mostly it isn't an issue for Me as the majority of My playpartners I am sexualy active with. There are a few I am not and there is no problem with that on either side. I am very clear about what is on offer and if they can't offer that then I consider it BEFORE I agree to go any further with them.

them saying/agreeing to one thing and then expecting another is something rather guarenteed to have Me bring things to an abrupt halt and send them packing. I don't tolerate being played games with.



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 3:22:56 AM)

Thanks for the reply.
 
Eventually this is the conclusion that I had come to as well. I guess I was looking more for who else engages in sexless play versus a "reason" why and I should have been more clear on that. As far as my rules I dont break those, when I meet someone its an up front thing of my rules and my expectations, if they choose not to comply with or follow those rules, then they guess why I dont  play with them *shrugs*.
 
 
 
For me play is just that play... and I dont mean no strings play, I care about those I play with, I have many good friends that I play with, I just dont do anything other than that with them...
 
Anyhow I guess this was probably more of a rant than a how does this happen kind of thing. But I would like to know who else seperates between the two, especially from the submissive stand point so that I can possibly grab a handle on the "why's" so that I can avoid them in the future...
 
Thanks again
 
~RS~



liketophoto -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 3:24:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reflectivesoul

Dv, shawn and I had a discussion a few days ago that has left me wondering how the rest of the people in D/s view their particular play times.
 
My questions are based on a semi-casual play partner, meaning you know this person, have some sort of relationship with them ( friend for example but not boyfriend/girlfriend) and you choose to play with them but still remain only as a "friend", be is because of circumstances or distance or whatever. Also by sexless I do NOT mean that there is no sexual contact, what I do mean is that there is no penile to vaginal penetration.
 
Now that being said, the point of the post is I'm wondering how many of you seperate sex from your D/s play, how many of you see it as a vital part of your play, and how many/who expects it to be part of any D/s relationship they are in.
 
For the male submissives do you expect that when you meet a FemDom that she will eventually sleep with you, if not right away she surely will? Do you set expectations or limits that if there is no involved sex then there is no play?
 
For me personally I have a very rigid rule of no sex with someone that is a casual play partner, I have found this to be a difficult rule to have sink into many of the males that I know. They either end up with some deluded idea that *I* just havent met the right one, or for some reason that its a challenge to see if they can break that rule, but either way I find it highly disrespectful considering that anyone I meet is informed that I have no intentions of sleeping with them. Its caused a few really nasty seperations when someone has misconstrued the idea because I still play with them.  I feel that as a basic human right, you have the right to say NO and to put forth a limit on how far *you* personally are willing to go, just as a submissive sets their hard limits, why is it that people think that *My* sex limit would be any different than that?
 
Anyhow I look forward to hearing what you all have to say and hopefully this will cease to be such a nagging pain in my side...
 
~RS~


I prefer no penitration of the(my) penis, or unprotected oral, particulay with someone I am not previously intamately involved with.

One thing I really do not hear alot of on here or in the comunity is up front/open talk about birth control or sexual deseases discussions. If you don't have the discussion ahead of time it ruins the moment having it then and more likely will not happen. 
LTP



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 3:29:22 AM)

Hi Raven [:D] ( how ya been, and its great to see you again, been ages )
 
And see thats where the problem is, I tell them til I am blue in the face not to expect what I have already told them is NOT going to happen, but in the end I have had more than one pull a " rabbit" out of the hat. I've had it happen before hand ( atleast these ones I can tell to take a hike so it makes that a bit easier but still in the beginning its " oh thats fine thats ok I accept that, then BLAM), I've had it happen durring play time, hell its happend after play time, and someone ends up jaded....
 
( no offence guys I promise but I'm gonna use a blanket generalization here )
 
The way that it comes off to me a lot of the times is that " if my dick is hard it better get fucked"
 
And in my eyes, sorry that is your problem not mine, I was clear in what I wanted and you're ass outta luck.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 3:30:42 AM)

It is very common to have "sexless" play in casual situations. The first time I played at a BDSM club I engaged in this type of play. It wasnt a rule that I set up personally but it was a rule that the Dominant himself stuck to(at least in the beginning stages of a play relationship).



RavenMuse -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 3:36:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reflectivesoul

Hi Raven [:D] ( how ya been, and its great to see you again, been ages )
 
And see thats where the problem is, I tell them til I am blue in the face not to expect what I have already told them is NOT going to happen, but in the end I have had more than one pull a " rabbit" out of the hat. I've had it happen before hand ( atleast these ones I can tell to take a hike so it makes that a bit easier but still in the beginning its " oh thats fine thats ok I accept that, then BLAM), I've had it happen durring play time, hell its happend after play time, and someone ends up jaded....
 
( no offence guys I promise but I'm gonna use a blanket generalization here )
 
The way that it comes off to me a lot of the times is that " if my dick is hard it better get fucked"
 
And in my eyes, sorry that is your problem not mine, I was clear in what I wanted and you're ass outta luck.


Hi petal :)
A handful of nettles and/or tigerbalm will soon 'persuaide' them of your seriousness. :P

Now ok with a playpartner as opposed to a girl I Own, even I negotiate... but once the peramiters are set that is what is stuck too and if they try to deviate from what was agreed, they are reminded of those peramiters and told if they can't handle it... get the hell out!

If they are a pushy little do-me bunny then frankly you are not loosing anything by booting their ass out the door, mealy saving yourself agravation.



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 3:37:08 AM)

Birth control and STD's are a huge concern for those sexually involved, be it oral, vaginal, anal etc. I am and have always been careful on all accounts for my personal safety and those I play with. Birth control doesnt come into play with me because I dont have sex with those I casually play with. I have a sexual partner who is sterile so again not a worry for me. STD's I have had the same sexual partner for over 8 years now and he doesnt stray and neither do I, I'd care not to catch any ( for lack of caring to think of a better term at the moment) cooties from someone else.  ( yes I said cooties [sm=mrpuffy.gif]*snicker*)
 
 
I also have a strong no bodily fluids rule, you arent sharing with me, I'm not sharing with you. When and if anal play is involved they toys are cleaned well before and after and protection is used on the toys, as well as gloves are worn.
 
You're very right that these topics are a risk and I'm glad you also brought it up.  Most that I know that do have multiple partners do practice some form of safe sex, for those that dont, they've been in those relationships for a long time, either way I'm fairly certain that they emply safety measures for anyone new to them that is brought inside their circles.



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 3:42:21 AM)

*snicker*
 
I've done myself a huge favor, I bought a cb2000 for the boys I play with, and for any new to me boy for the first ever play session. I had hoped that with that addition they would know for sure that their bits are not on my list of priorities, but none-the-less you still wind up with some not so good apples, or the ones who think that after a few play times I'm somehow going to be impressed by their ( usually but not always) miniscule bits and am going to miraculously change my mind.. dumbasses... and those are the ones who get the boot quick fast and in a hurry.



TysGalilah -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 3:50:54 AM)

my first bdsm experience was with a man who knew my rules about no penetration (for either of us) .  He had a rule himself > no emotional connection or love should be anticipated coming from him.(these parameters were what I sought out, because I was exploring myself and these desires with my husbands blessings at the time )  It was an invaluable experience that lasted almost 2 yrs.  It was also one that taught me > i am not cut out to be casual nor a bottom to a Top.
I need to feel my full range of emotions without hesitation and know that they are encouraged as well as desired/commanded, in order to give my submission fully.  So, while it was sexless, it was not Ds  as i know how to experience it now since Tyson.









Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 4:28:48 AM)

lucious,
 
And I think like you and another have suggested thats where the issue comes from. A rule was made then eventually broken. Which I can understand because sometimes a relationship ( meaning romantic if you will )  may come after the play time, for some, just not me.
 
Its not on my list of " to do's". That may very well change down the road, but definately not in the near future, I have other priorities right now.



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 4:35:30 AM)

Tyson,
 
I'm not sure how to reply/take your post. That it was not D/s because it is experienced differently to you now versus when it happened?
 
I do understand the needing something to be more though. I have never discouraged anyone from finding what they need/want. I know that for some it takes a "complete" involvement, for me it doesnt. I'm involved emotionally to a degree with the people I play with, sometimes beyond that of any sexual relationship I have had, again that depends on the other person how they feel, how they respond to me etc. For some its not that deep of an emotional connect its more of a convenience, they need someone to play with and I'm local and it ends up being beneficial for us both. ( I almost prefer this way because the lines havent crossed nearly as bad as for someone that may be coming from out of town)
 
 



MistressVnus -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 4:50:01 AM)

I NEVER have sex with anyone other than "MY" personal slave.  I never even take any of my clothes off if it is casual play at a party or with a friend.

Now, even my "personal" must "earn" the right to pleasure my body.  Some have been in training for several months before they have been allowed to pleasure me in any way, sexually.  To me, being able to pleasure, or my taking my pleasure with you, is an act of great intimacy.  It is a reward.  And it is only for "that" slave who has become my special "one" through loyalty, devotion, and service.

If I had sex with many, what would show my slave that they are my "one" special slave?  What priveledge could I offer my one special slave that no other has?



Dnomyar -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 5:19:20 AM)

I have several play partners that I have never had sex with. The rules were set at the start and thats how the stayed. You can have an emotional attachment to your playmates but it dose'nt have to involve sex. Op keep an open mind because someone will come along and blow your rules out of the water.  



MaamJay -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 5:35:51 AM)

As a Domme I have had several no-sex play partners. And had some wonderful play sessions with them and some very deep friendships. It's eminently possible. Especially when some of the subs have been married ... I don't want them to cheat sexually on their partners, but they have needed their masochistic "fix" from a caring Domme. Pleasuring Me sexually or sharing in intimate acts such as watersports is frequently not on the list or only by separate negotiation and ONLY with all safe sex aspects considered.

OP ... persevere ... and good luck!

Maam Jay



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 5:48:59 AM)

I am the same way with respects of the not even having a play mate touch me. I refer to the specifics of no sex ( as stated above) because I do participate in anal play on some of the boys and I didnt want the lines confused. I'm very anti touch as far as my body goes. ( Not like a hang up here or anything but because I choose not to blur my own rules)
 
I'm figuring once I reach a point in my life where I do take that " one special one" the rules will change, but for now seeing I am no where close to that, nope.



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 5:50:53 AM)

My eyes are open, but my life isnt, so until the point when it does, even if I have the desire to break my own rules, I do not. I have wanted to in the past and I didnt and in the end it was me that broke everything off because it very well could have gotten to a point where he blurred my vision and I couldn't risk that.



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 5:52:12 AM)

[:D] Thanks for the well wishes and for the post



junecleaver -> RE: Sexless D/s... (2/15/2008 7:43:02 AM)

I've never had sex and D/s mixed.  But then again I'm a virgin, waiting till marriage etc etc. [;)]  I cannot imagine not having sexual contact with my Dominant though.  Even if I did choose to engage in sexual relations, it wouldn't be with casual partners. 

Also, I've never centered a casual relationship around D/s.  It's something too intimate for me to share in a casual manner.  S&m is another matter.  I've had plenty of casual s&m based relationships and sometimes an order might be given and followed but the main focus was never D/s.

As to the latter part of the post... sometimes you can phrase your demands in such a way to make them seem like challenges.  Not having sex with someone, that's perfectly understandable.  But when you phrase it like, "Well, I'll play with you, but you have no chance of ever sleeping with me, dirty boy!"  or something or other, it becomes a challenge to many men.  I've told a lot of men I won't sleep with them and it seems that when I give more information with that initial statement and phrase it in a kinder way, they have a tendency to stop looking at it as a challenge and accept it as simply how I feel.  I imagine some femdoms have a kink along the lines telling a male submissive he'll never get sex and then teasing him and maybe giving him sex and I'm SURE a lot of male submissives have the same fantasies.  You just don't want to be confused with them I guess lol



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