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RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/15/2008 12:20:55 PM

LadyLolly

Posts: 140
Joined: 5/21/2005
Status: offline

Just wanted to reiterate some very good advice given.
Do seek counseling yourself for support, insight and additional coping tools it can provide.
Do make an effort to get out and involved with positive things you enjoy. If he can paticipate, and chooses to, all to the better but don't let that deter you from going yourself.
Do bring light (open those curtains & turn on the lights) uplifting music and color into the house. It makes it harder for him to wallow in the depression and dragging you into his depression with him.
Do refrain from making big decisions at this time.
Do refrain from burdening him with demands he cannot meet at this time - give him time and space. Not to say applying some upbeat urging from time to time would be inappropriate but in a non-demanding manner.

Don't blame yourself. He's an adult. He made choices. He has a problem. Be supportive but resist the bitter marter syndrome. You are an adult. You've made choices and still have them to make. You care for him and are frustrated by an inability to reach him and help - let alone your own needs going unmet.

The best help you can be to him right now is to try and work oin keeping your own self solid. It's hard, but he dosen't need company in the pit he's in - he needs sunshine on solid ground to reach for when he's ready.

Best wishes.

(in reply to newlytaken07)

Post #: 21

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/15/2008 3:09:49 PM

newlytaken07

Posts: 19
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline

Great advice thanks LadyLolly.

(in reply to LadyLolly)

Post #: 22

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/15/2008 6:11:26 PM

SilentTigresss

Posts: 261
Joined: 1/18/2004
Status: offline

i like what blush said. i would also like to say that depression is an imbalance in your brain. Yes, and depression can take your normal life away; not your fault or to be taken personally that that is happening to him. blush is right again; this is about him and not what you want within the relationship.
Nods..do encourage the healthy living and try to make sure he gets good rest. i believe there are two pages to this post already...? so, i may be repeating what someone else has said.. my apologies on that if so.
Not too sure on if i agree to letting him take care of this alone as mentioned earlier. Depression is also about pulling away from everyone in your life.... sure, give him space but watch the space carefully. Maybe you also need to consider yourself a friend for now?

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 23

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/15/2008 8:27:35 PM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

wow..I don't think I could add a thing to the advice give here. I know that a sub feeling alone is like a lost kid at the park...everyone's playing but your hearts just not in it . I think that BlackPhx gave the best advice..in ways that you can do . You have to take care of yourself till he is able again..Best of luck..

(in reply to newlytaken07)

Post #: 24

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/15/2008 9:22:55 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

This is a subject that is very close to my heart and is of tender aspect at just this moment of the year. My husband lost his battle with depression in February of 1999. I know what it is to watch helplessly and not really be sure what to do. Just know that even with all the best care and intervention, the outcome is not in your hands. It is clear that you are trying to do what is best for both him and yourself to find the light at the end of this tunnel together.

You have gained a great deal of good advice, both for his care and your own self-care. I would caution you against allowing him to ever think that he is in his battle without you. Knowing he is not alone and that he has support and people who care and who would miss him is the most vital thing on the darkest of days. By all means, do not smother him, but make sure he knows you are still there in his solitude. Take care of him in ways he neither asks for nor recognizes the need for. Prepare healthy meals and keep a regular eating and sleeping schedule. Drag him along for a walk or other relaxing exercise. Place a vitamin by his plate at breakfast and make sure he has not forgotten his meds at the appropriate times. All of this can be done with no infraction on his personal space, but can make a world of difference in his treatment outcome.

Spending time with him is great, but you have said clearly that he has no social network established in his new place of residence and this seems to be an issue for him with regard to depression. If he can get established with employment, coworkers, friends, and other social outlets, then he may find a great deal more peace with his new life. The less alone he is, the more he will be missed, and the less likely he will be to slip further away from the world.

I have such deep empathy for all the people affected by depresssion and other like illnesses. I have assisted family and friends through it and been through depression myself. Keep yourself strong and keep him tightly rooted to a world that is a better place with him in it. Best wishes little one.

lovingpet

(in reply to Huntertn)

Post #: 25

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/15/2008 10:49:11 PM

newlytaken07

Posts: 19
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline

lovingpet,

Thank you for your response and I am terribly sorry to hear of your husband. It must be an extremely difficult time of year for you.

I do try, very much, to let him know I view this as "our" battle even though he views it as "his." And really, he is not so bad ... still working every day and participating in household stuff ... He sleeps a lot when he's not at work and that can be frustrating. It's more the apathetic attitude (towards me and many other things) that I find difficult ... He doesn't know if he loves me because he doesn't feel worthy of love or capable of loving just at the moment. He doesn't know if he is "cut out" for a live in relationship. He doesn't know if he is able to be a good Dominant anymore. It's very hard, for either of us, to work out how much is because of the depression and how much is just him ...

The healthy eating and sleeping and vitamins and meds and exercise - all taken care of. We even gave up alcohol together (not that we drank much.) The social network stuff is much harder to establish, especially when he is feeling this way.

Thank you so much for your response, best wishes to you and yours.

edited to pop a missing "your" in there.

< Message edited by newlytaken07 -- 2/15/2008 10:51:09 PM >

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 26

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/16/2008 9:50:25 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

His sexuality issues are probably partly due to the depression and partly due to the meds. Unfortunately most anti depressants cause erection/libido problems in males. less so in females but still pretty common.

I am worried about the fact that the medication he's on isn't helping. That says to me he ought immediately to be tapered off it and try a new one. This assumes he's been on it for six weeks.

Does he have family or friends in his former city who he could stay with? If so, suggest he return for a visit. Being there might answer the question of if this would lift if he returned home.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to newlytaken07)

Post #: 27

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/16/2008 9:54:25 AM

gaggedredhead

Posts: 21
Status: offline

I had a Dom who had bipolar issues and it was very difficult to deal with him when he was depressed. His depression took the form of anger, so he was actually able to perform sexually and within D/s, but it would always go too far, and he would end up not listening to me, and withdrawing, not providing aftercare, going away for days on end, no communication, etc.

He would not get help, so I had to walk away. It is very, very tough dealing with a loved one with depression issues. I feel for you.

(in reply to newlytaken07)

Post #: 28

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/16/2008 10:30:10 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

Feelings of worthlessness and lack of interest in previously enjoyed things are common with depression. These scary relationship things speak more to his depression than to you. Apathy is often a coping mechanism rather a than genuine feeling, although medication malaise may be in play as well (and it also contributes to sexual dysfunction as mentioned in an earlier post). I also agree that a medication change may be needed as well. If you have the opportunity, discuss him having a complete physical both with a traditional and alternative practioner. Serious consideration may need to be given to alternative therapies. You are doing your best for him. Now take care of yourself as well.

Warm Regards,
lovingpet

< Message edited by lovingpet -- 2/16/2008 10:31:30 AM >

(in reply to newlytaken07)

Post #: 29

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/16/2008 11:09:38 AM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

I hate to be the one to say this but this sounds as if he might be totally using you.
Some people enjoy the attention that being ill brings from a loved one.
He may never have really had what it takes to be a Dom.
He was just capable of pretending for a short while and now he doesn't need to.
Maybe he was just totally unhappy in his previous life and knew he would be totally unhappy with you. But it's better to have someone who cares than noone.
Bi-polar or depression can just be about personality. Running away from self knowledge. Blaming ones own mistakes on others. It can be hard to face the fact that you are not who you would like to be.
I have great empathy for him but if I am right he has got to face himself and change.
Just don't let him destroy you if he can't or doesn't want to.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 30

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/16/2008 11:28:03 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

I hate to be the one to say this but this sounds as if he might be totally using you.
Some people enjoy the attention that being ill brings from a loved one.
He may never have really had what it takes to be a Dom.
He was just capable of pretending for a short while and now he doesn't need to.
Maybe he was just totally unhappy in his previous life and knew he would be totally unhappy with you. But it's better to have someone who cares than noone.
Bi-polar or depression can just be about personality. Running away from self knowledge. Blaming ones own mistakes on others. It can be hard to face the fact that you are not who you would like to be.
I have great empathy for him but if I am right he has got to face himself and change.
Just don't let him destroy you if he can't or doesn't want to.

This will be the hardest part of this whole ordeal. Some are too broken to fix and some do not want to change. It is hard to know that, when you walk away, the person may make some very destructive decisions. No matter what the outcome, those decisions belong to that person alone and the support people never have to own the consequences of the troubled person's actions. You do what you are able and what is safe and healthy for you. Nothing more. If you have done this, no matter the results, you should walk on with no regrets. Easier said now, but words one may need to have echoing in his or her mind later. Again, all the best!

lovingpet

< Message edited by lovingpet -- 2/16/2008 11:36:34 AM >

(in reply to lateralist1)

Post #: 31

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/16/2008 11:40:49 AM

MiladyElaine

Posts: 1086
Joined: 10/10/2004
Status: offline

This is one very good reason I choose to start fresh with a NEW environment for BOTH parties. He is living in HER home. It probably is a blow to His dominant, say nothing of masculine ego and MIND SET.
I would not be happy living under someone else's roof, in their territory. You can say all you like about it becoming theirs. There's always that "well this WAS HER home" in the back of the mind.

_____________________________

A crazy quilt is warm but oddly put together.

Milady

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 32

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/16/2008 12:11:22 PM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline

As they say, 'don't date damaged'.

He made the choice to move and he's over 18, so don't feel guilty about getting him into his own place while you still care for him rather than waiting until you completely resent him and have to resort to calling the cops.

You're not his mom or his wife, so you didn't sign on to be his nurse. This isn't a broken leg that will heal in 6 weeks: this degree of mental illness means it's likely chronic and will recur. If you don't do something, your resentment of him will overwhelm your regard, and as you know the relationship is crumbling already.

Once he feels '8/10' for 80% of the time, then welcome him back into the relationship, but not your house until he's been feeling that good for six-twelve months straight. Something stressful tends to happen to us about every six months [like his move/new job, etc.], so it'll prove that he can rise above the stress. If he can't, he'll be a huge drain on your time and mood if not finances for the rest of your life.

Encourage him to exercise; permit no drama-king excuses, and make sure you're exercising, going out with friends and taking a course in whatever you want except psychology. Tell his doc how bad the symptoms are, since perhaps a change or increase in medication is in order or more intensive counselling. Go for counselling yourself, which will be a lot better than asking for advice on the internet!! Signs of a good counsellor: they don't talk about themselves, and they give you homework.

Good luck.

(in reply to MiladyElaine)

Post #: 33

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/16/2008 1:18:12 PM

newlytaken07

Posts: 19
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline

Thanks Celeste, his dosage has just been increased so we’ll see if that makes a difference. I absolutely agree with you about him visiting his former city and I have suggested it, but he won’t go. We did visit his home town to see his family and no, it didn’t make any difference.

Thanks loving pet, we are onto the alternative therapies as well as mainstream medicine. I really appreciate your responses and great insight, particularly about the apathy!

lateralist1, you may indeed have a point that he may not have what it takes to be anything other than a weekend Dom and I accept that is a distinct possibility (and so does he.) Time will tell (or not.) I can see how you might think it possible he is “using” me but I honestly don’t think it applies here. He has told me he would rather be unhappy alone than unhappy with me, making me unhappy. I am a strong and independent person with a busy and engaged life so I am not about to let this destroy me, however I *do* love him, and I don’t love easily. So I guess it’s probably worth hanging in there for a bit longer :)

MiladyElaine – absolutely! I would NEVER do this again and would urge anyone moving in together to consider a new home, neutral territory. Particularly when the D is moving to the s. I have suggested moving to a new house many times, but he does not want to. This continues to be an issue for us.

I just wanted to explain why I chose to post for advice on the internet as Tantriqu makes a valid point that counseling would be better than internet advice. I work in health care so I am fairly aware of how to support someone who is depressed and I am looking after myself as much as possible. That being said, the stories and advice posted here have served as timely reminders for me, as it is sometimes difficult to apply what you know to a personal situation.

I have excellent support networks and good friends to talk to, but they are all vanilla. I am “out” to a few close friends but they don’t really get it. The advice I hear over and over from them is that *I* need to take control and *tell* him what we are doing: tell him we are moving, tell him we are whatever … And while there is currently little power exchange in this home, there is some, and I have no desire to destroy what’s left by taking away more of his power – not good for me, and not good for him. So, sometimes their advice does not apply.

We are not currently terribly active in the local community (though Sir was prior to moving) but I am close to a few people who are and certainly we both know people in a couple of different cities who are. I have made a conscious choice not to talk about this with anyone in the community for two reasons: out of respect for him and because quite honestly I do not want this to be the latest gossip. Which is why I am posting under a nic I am not known by.

So, that leaves here. It has been an invaluable exercise for me to simply write things down without holding anything back. And I have truly appreciated all the advice and support. I needed to “talk” about this in a D/s context, which is something I had not been able to do. Thank you.

(in reply to Tantriqu)

Post #: 34

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/16/2008 3:55:41 PM

Sylphid

Posts: 7
Joined: 2/16/2008
Status: offline

Maybe you're resenting that all the fantastic things you could finally live together with him (and you felt as if he had promised you) haven't come true? I would understand that, I would probably be the same...
I sense a sort of passive-aggressiveness in your post :( Maybe some counselling would help you?
All the best to you and him
S.

(in reply to newlytaken07)

Post #: 35

RE: Depression and dominance lost ... - 2/17/2008 8:39:52 AM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline

Remember, just because you're in 'health care' doesn't mean that you know all the options available, or that you'll be able to take good advice; you can't fix him, and amen to the p-a. And you know marrying a depressed person makes them better and you worse.
Talk to an expert, starting with your doctor, and be honest about your sexual dynamic; volunteer it even if they don't ask since it's integral to your dilemma.
Good luck.

(in reply to Sylphid)

Post #: 36

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