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LadyEllen -> RE: male psychology question (2/14/2008 12:22:15 PM)
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OK – an attempt at some background;
The problem behaviour and attitude is comprised of several elements, arising from several aspects of what I believe to be the same root conflict.
- First, there is a seeking of self-assertion in the damaging world of drink and cannabis; of course lots of people engage in consumption of these things, but here there is a definite flavour not only of asserting himself against her preference that he’d consume at more normal levels, but also distancing himself from the conflict by self-anaesthesia. There may also be an element of self-directed spite in some sort of self-punishment for his feelings.
- Second, there is an overwhelming attitude of hopelessness and helplessness in life when it comes to politics, banking, earning a living and so on in the UK; its as if he only just realised that the world is organised in such a way that his power to change anything or make anything of his life is severely compromised - something which most realise much earlier in life and adjust to and just get on with what they can change and what they can make of life. This is manifested in several ways, but the most indicative is a desire to move to Spain, which is some sort of Paradise in his mind where all these things no longer apply – when of course, they do, because they are part of him. Again, this wish to relocate I see as rooted in the desire to assert self-control and freedom; escape from the sense of control he feels under.
- Third, there is a need to keep secrets about some things (which I’m not prepared to disclose) – or at least to maintain the illusion that he has secrets, for his wife knows about the matter. Again, this urge to keep some things to himself I believe arises from a need to maintain independence in some way.
- Fourth, and this is strange given the third, a total openness about certain sexual desires for which his wife has expressed disinterest, and which upset her by way of his insistence on repeating them and declaring them more preferential to him than their sex life. It would seem that her disinterest is taken as a rejection of him and his insistence on bringing them up repeatedly whilst withholding from her seems to be an act of spite against her – again it says to me that he wishes to assert his freedom against her.
- Fifth, the issue of the daughter. Aside from his wife, he shares the house with his wife’s adult daughter – he has a daughter too, but they are not on good terms and she lives a long way away. The daughter is a lovely girl, sensible, intelligent and in higher education who keeps herself to herself at home for the most part. Yet she is on the receiving end of a great deal of what I see as his displaced resentment of his wife and indeed of life in general, which again upsets his wife. Being hostile towards the daughter is again an urge to assert freedom against his wife.
- Sixth, the issue of gender and his view of women. He has a domineering mother who imprinted upon him from birth and to date, that he’s worthless and will never amount to anything, and if only he’d been the daughter she wanted. I believe this has coloured his view of women since and some at least of his anger towards his mother, which he cannot express, is directed at his wife and then displaced to her daughter. He is now living with two women of course – his wife and her daughter, and my impression going from everything else is that he feels in a similar situation as he was growing up with his mother – that he is kept in check by women. Except that now he is a grown man and the angry rebellion against his mother of his youth is now angry rebellion against his wife who has replaced her, and her daughter.
- Seventh, me. He sees me as a woman, though of course he knows my origins too. When I first made acquaintance he had no problem with me, but as time has passed I sense the same anger towards me as he shows towards his wife and her daughter. He is happy when the four of us are chatting together about general subjects, but at some point the conversation will turn towards more female subjects – and at that point he will exclude himself with an air of impotent childish anger; seemingly refusing to countenance the women having become prominent and in control of the conversation. When he returns, he will do so and remain only if he feels in control of the situation and of course the women in the room. To me it speaks directly of boyhood experience with his mother and his aunts – he feels ignored by those he values and so rejects them and their control of the situation by asserting his independence of them.
So overall, there is a pattern of feeling under the control of women and rebelling against this throughout his life. And at the same time a desire to be with and a high esteem for women. In the case of his wife, this is more acute – he values and esteems her above all women, but this means that his sense of being under her control and so the rebellion against her which has been expressed recently is also more acute. He has always felt the need to assert his independence and freedom from women, but throughout his life has been caught in the trap of also needing women and depending on them. In the case of his wife this is again more acute – he needs her and depends on her support more than any other woman and so the self-assertion is more acute too. And throughout all this there is an inability to deal with the conflict involved, which is then displaced into hurtful behaviour – towards himself, towards third parties and towards his wife.
This at least is how I interpret it, but it would be interesting to know what others think?
E
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