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Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/12/2008 6:41:29 PM   
shellzbythesea


Posts: 120
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline 		Disclaimer:  i am aware that *all* relationships (including playmates) are varied and that what works for one D/s pair will not necessarily work for another.  In that spirit...i'm curious as to how subs and Doms, on an individual basis, deal with this dynamic. 
 
A few questions, directed to anyone that cares to answer (for ease i will address it to the subs but would *love* to hear the Dom's viewpoint, as well)...if you are in a "playmate" rather than "partner" situation.  And this relates more to PRIVATE play versus PUBLIC "scenes."
 
1) As a sub do you refer to your "playmate" Dom by a title/honourific outside of the bedroom?  (Likewise...as a Dom who doesn't want to lay "claim" to a sub as his own...do You *still* prefer that she use a title with You at all times?)
 
2) If the Dom prefers to have more than one play partner, is the sub allowed to have more than one, also?  Why or why not?
 
3) Would you agree to be the playmate of a sub (or Dom) if you had "feelings" for them, which made you wish for an actual "partner-type" relationship with them?  And if so, do you think this has been helpful or harmful to you?
 
Any answers are greatly appreciated.  Bonus points if there are you offer the *reasoning* behind your answers.
 
Thanks in advance!
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/12/2008 6:44:03 PM   
nwcutie102


Posts: 162
Joined: 1/13/2008
Status: offline 		casual play is not for me, i understand things can be casual for some. the feelings are too intense for me.

(in reply to shellzbythesea)
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/12/2008 6:48:07 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		As to whether I would want an honorific it would depend on the situation.  There are situations where a woman calling me sir would draw attention that would be unwelcome, however in situations where it would not, I would assume she would call me Sir, although not Master.

(in reply to nwcutie102)
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/12/2008 7:25:20 PM   
MichiganHeadmast


Posts: 726
Joined: 8/13/2006
Status: offline 		1) I am very informal.  I prefer first-name basis when not playing, but I don't mind if I get "Sir" on occasion.

2)  I don't "own" any subs, so I assert no accountability as to who else they play with, other than to require that they use common sense and exercise safety.

3)  Sure, I can agree to play or continue playing if such feelings develop, since I can keep such feelings from being all-consuming.  Maybe it's a guy thing, though.

(in reply to shellzbythesea)
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/12/2008 7:26:41 PM   
shellzbythesea


Posts: 120
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline 		First off, thanks to both of you for your responses to this.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

As to whether I would want an honorific it would depend on the situation.  There are situations where a woman calling me sir would draw attention that would be unwelcome, however in situations where it would not, I would assume she would call me Sir, although not Master.


Nineveh:  i'm not talking about drawing attention to the situation, at all.  This is really directed towards private play.  So, in private play...even though You do not want to take her on as "Your sub", You would still prefer she use a title? 

(in reply to Nineveh)
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/12/2008 7:31:26 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		It depends on what kind of play it is, but if it is power play, where I am giving her orders and she is obeying them, then yes, i am going to want her to call me sir.  bondage and pain play don't need that, but I think the use of a title reinforces the power exchange aspect of it and makes the play that much more fun.

Also, in regards to whether she can play with others, that's not my decision to regulate if we are just playmates.  I'll probably feel some jealousy about it, but if I am not ready to step up and claim her as mine I have no right to tell her how to live her life outside of the scenes we choose to do together.

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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/12/2008 7:43:00 PM   
shellzbythesea


Posts: 120
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

It depends on what kind of play it is, but if it is power play, where I am giving her orders and she is obeying them, then yes, i am going to want her to call me sir.  bondage and pain play don't need that, but I think the use of a title reinforces the power exchange aspect of it and makes the play that much more fun.



Totally understandable during "play time."  But what about during the week...say, You send her an IM...or an email...just to check in...how do You expect her to address You then?  Afterall, she's not Your sub...

(in reply to Nineveh)
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/12/2008 7:47:12 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shellzbythesea



Totally understandable during "play time."  But what about during the week...say, You send her an IM...or an email...just to check in...how do You expect her to address You then?  Afterall, she's not Your sub...


I'd still want her to call me Sir.  I think the less that the roles are broken the easier it is to step into them effectively.  Now, if we were going to have a serious discussion about the nature of our relationship, such as moving it to the level where she was really mine, or a discussion of some aspect of things that she or I were uncomfortable with, then I would prefer that she use my name as a way to intentionally break the role and keep her from thinking that that was a space where she needed to defer to me.  To me Sir does not impy any sort of ownership, only respect.

(in reply to shellzbythesea)
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/12/2008 8:02:47 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Thank you for the questions.  I'd like to take the opportunity to answer them.

1)  All of My casual play partners refer to Me at least by Ma'am, mostly by LadyPact (yes, it's My scene, as well as screen name) or Mistress A**.  They call Me whatever feels right to them, and it has always carried over after play.

2)  Yes, they all have other casual play partners.  One in particular has Me for impact play, another for bondage, another for electricity.  Another is a collared sub who's Domme isn't quite as harsh as I am, so She allows him to play with Me for that special yen.  There are other examples, but you get the idea.

3)  Yes, I would and I have.  It's been true in the reverse as well.  I don't do casual play for the relationship factor.  It's for fun.  I do believe it was helpful, as I think all of My experiences have been.


Wonderful questions.


_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

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(in reply to shellzbythesea)
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/12/2008 8:04:41 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		In this sort of situation, while they were face to face with Me, then they'd be calling Me Ma'am but I won't allow them to call Me Mistress. That's reserved for when they are taken on in training to be Mine. They would call Me Ma'am during the scene and afterwards, even if W/we were just getting some food and drink in the aftercare time.

While on IM etc between play sessions ... well that largely depends on them. Some subs LIKE to stay in role, that's how they are most comfortable in interacting with Me and I am fine with that. Others don't seem to need that, they can be "vanilla" in chat and drop straight into role as they walk in the door. That's fine too.

If I don't "own" them or I am not working towards owning them, then what they do between play sessions is their responsibility not Mine. I do expect the courtesy of being informed if it impacts in any way on O/our play sessions. For eg, if they have begun chatting to another Domme, I'd like to know so I have some idea that maybe I will be handing them on if their situation works better. If W/we are having any sexual interaction (not always the case with a play sub), then I need to know if they are being sexually active elsewhere re protection etc. But I don't generally try to control that interaction, unless the sub particularly begs for it. Some male subs just love being told when they can and can't masturbate and hand that control over almost instantly.

Essentially, if it is a play relationship only, then I figure both sub and Domme's needs should be met, so I am more inclined to work with their preferences and demand a bit less than I would of someone who is Mine. That doesn't mean someone I own wouldn't be getting their needs met of course, more that they might be challenged more often.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Nineveh)
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/12/2008 8:05:53 PM   
shellzbythesea


Posts: 120
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Thank you for the questions.  I'd like to take the opportunity to answer them.

1)  All of My casual play partners refer to Me at least by Ma'am, mostly by LadyPact (yes, it's My scene, as well as screen name) or Mistress A**.  They call Me whatever feels right to them, and it has always carried over after play.

2)  Yes, they all have other casual play partners.  One in particular has Me for impact play, another for bondage, another for electricity.  Another is a collared sub who's Domme isn't quite as harsh as I am, so She allows him to play with Me for that special yen.  There are other examples, but you get the idea.

3)  Yes, I would and I have.  It's been true in the reverse as well.  I don't do casual play for the relationship factor.  It's for fun.  I do believe it was helpful, as I think all of My experiences have been.


Wonderful questions.



Wow.  Those are actually wonderful answers.
 
Thank You!

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/12/2008 9:28:50 PM   
ItalianSMistress


Posts: 427
Joined: 1/19/2007
From: Niagara Region Ontario Canada
Status: offline 		I am not sure if what I do would be considered casual play,,,I dont call it that, but many others might, but I am going to answer this according to what I do
 
1.  I never allow any of the slaves I speak with to call Me anything but Ma'am or Governess, ever, even if we are in a place that neither can be used, then I tell them not to address Me at all
 
2.  I usually keep more than one slave at a time.  I will not allow them to play with another Dom/me unless I have aranged it due to My own desires. I demand loyality, without that I dont think there is anything someone could offer that I would want.  As far as an outside vanilla relationship, sometimes that is fine, depending on the situation.
 
3.  Chances are that would not happen, I am very good at keeping those things seperate. But, if it did, I would still be able to play with them, those feelings would just get filed somewhere and be self contained.  I think this would not really make a difference in how I play, and I dont think its either helpful or harmful.

_____________________________

Governess

"Dominance is the ability to create a hunger in someone that's so strong they will do anything, anytime, anywhere just to please you."


http://italianmistress.livejournal.com/


(in reply to shellzbythesea)
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/12/2008 9:30:28 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shellzbythesea
1) As a sub do you refer to your "playmate" Dom by a title/honourific outside of the bedroom?  (Likewise...as a Dom who doesn't want to lay "claim" to a sub as his own...do You *still* prefer that she use a title with You at all times?)

Not for me.  Whatever works for that relationship.
quote:


2) If the Dom prefers to have more than one play partner, is the sub allowed to have more than one, also?  Why or why not?

If that's what they both go for, then yes.  If it isn't, then no.

It always comes down to what situation you need to fulfill who you are.
quote:


3) Would you agree to be the playmate of a sub (or Dom) if you had "feelings" for them, which made you wish for an actual "partner-type" relationship with them?  And if so, do you think this has been helpful or harmful to you?

Not if I didn't know my feelings would not prevent me from thoroughly enjoying what WAS there to be had and cause more damage down the line.

If I knew otherwise, it would be very wrong for all involved to try and pursue anything.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to shellzbythesea)
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/13/2008 2:06:46 AM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		1)  First off, I'm a bottoming partner not a sub, so I don't call anyone Dom/Master/Sir in or out of the bedroom.  When I play casually, there is no Sir or Ma'am stuff.

2)  Yes, my man and I both play casually outside our relationship.  Sometimes it is fulfilling enough in itself and sometimes it acts as a really good prelude to what happens when he/I get home.  <wag>

3)  I don't need to have any special feelings towards whomever I bottom to.  I mean it helps if I like the guy/girl yeah, but that's about it.  And the interest pretty much stops when the flogger does.  Developing any submissive feelings, and therefore wishing for a D/s type relationship,  for anyone who has or may Top me is not in my future plans.

I tried to describe casual play once to a Domly type friend and pretty much told him it felt like going out for coffee with a friend.  Casual being the key word, friendly, comfortable, but no real special interest in other than just the coffee.  Sorta like..."It's been fun, call ya next week."

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It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/13/2008 3:05:50 AM   
metalmiss


Posts: 341
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: Croydon, UK
Status: offline 		[oops posted through My girls account.. please ignore]


< Message edited by metalmiss -- 2/13/2008 3:07:37 AM >

(in reply to shellzbythesea)
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/13/2008 3:08:48 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		Try again through MY account LOL

quote:

ORIGINAL: shellzbythesea

1) As a sub do you refer to your "playmate" Dom by a title/honourific outside of the bedroom?  (Likewise...as a Dom who doesn't want to lay "claim" to a sub as his own...do You *still* prefer that she use a title with You at all times?)

2) If the Dom prefers to have more than one play partner, is the sub allowed to have more than one, also?  Why or why not?

3) Would you agree to be the playmate of a sub (or Dom) if you had "feelings" for them, which made you wish for an actual "partner-type" relationship with them?  And if so, do you think this has been helpful or harmful to you?


1) Only those I Own are required to address Me a particular way, however if they hope for a reply then they had best keep it civil and respectful (Which has more to do with HOW things are said rather than honourifics). If a girl is submitting to Me then "Sir" will suffice.... "Master" is reserved for those I Own (Though I do make some exception for Goreans as it is simply part of their protocol... so long as they don't try and use it is the context of "my Master"... as I am NOT!)

2) I have a duty of care for My property, any playpartners of hers are approved by Me when I am sure they are safe as well as respect her and the fact she is an Owned girl. When she plays with others she is bottoming, her submission is Mine!

This isn't a case of "fairness"... I am not required to be "fair". So long as I am not inconvenienced and My duty of care is not an issue because I trust the Top she is playing with... why shouldn't I, I am not an insecure person nor do I feel jealousy.

3) that isn't a cut and dried question, there are too many variables and would have to be assessed on a case by case basis. I have been in that situation several times sometimes reached one decision, sometimes reached the other.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/13/2008 4:30:33 AM   
MmeGigs


Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline 		1.  For the most part, my partners address me by name.  My sub-hubby calls me sweetie-pie.  My boyfriend calls me Mistress when we’re playing.  Some may see this as a rather un-domly thing, but I like my name and to me titles seem rather objectifying.  I want to know that they are thinking about ME, and that’s more clear to me if they use my name rather than a title.

2.  My hubby and boyfriend both have a number of play partners – more play partners than I do, to be sure.  I think that they have more need for and interest in kinky play than I do.  I really enjoy watching (and hearing) other people play with the hubby.  It gives me an opportunity to really savor his reactions.
3.  Yep, I would.  I can want someone without needing to have them, and I can feel happy about the piece of them I have without feeling let down that I can’t have more.  And at this point in life, I understand that wanting, which is about the exciting possibilities, is sometimes a lot more fun than having, which is about the mundane realities.

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/13/2008 9:41:35 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline 		Its been quite a while (several years) since I've had play partners, but there was a period when I did have play partners (intentionally) and just really wanted to see what was out there, graze the fields and such (in fact for a while initially my now owner was a play partner).  So I'm really answering from the frame of mind of how things worked for me back then and the reasons why.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shellzbythesea
 
1) As a sub do you refer to your "playmate" Dom by a title/honourific outside of the bedroom?  (Likewise...as a Dom who doesn't want to lay "claim" to a sub as his own...do You *still* prefer that she use a title with You at all times?)


I didn't.

quote:


2) If the Dom prefers to have more than one play partner, is the sub allowed to have more than one, also?  Why or why not?


I had more than one play partner and made it clear to potential play partners that I wasn't (at that point) monogamous.  I didn't see the need for monogamy when I was just enjoying life, the varieties of people, and trying to really get a feel for what was out there.  And since they were just play partners I didn't see how they could demand monogamy of me - and I never had a problem with that from any potential play partners (whether we had sex or not).  But I also didn't talk about other play partners with other ones and tried to make sure I didn't really pick play partners from the same social/geographic pools - I didn't want to run into play partner Bob when I was out with play partner Mike or Sue.

quote:


3) Would you agree to be the playmate of a sub (or Dom) if you had "feelings" for them, which made you wish for an actual "partner-type" relationship with them?  And if so, do you think this has been helpful or harmful to you?


Unless they were willing and interested in something more than play partner I wouldn't.  It just wouldn't be worth that kind of hurt and discomfort (on both sides).

Hope that helps,
C~



< Message edited by Wildfleurs -- 2/13/2008 9:43:20 AM >

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

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The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/13/2008 1:53:53 PM   
Gleegal67


Posts: 218
Joined: 6/18/2007
From: Phoenix
Status: offline
quote:

 
1) As a sub do you refer to your "playmate" Dom by a title/honourific outside of the bedroom?  (Likewise...as a Dom who doesn't want to lay "claim" to a sub as his own...do You *still* prefer that she use a title with You at all times?)
 
I refer to their given name outside the scene with a Sir thrown in from time to time.
 
2) If the Dom prefers to have more than one play partner, is the sub allowed to have more than one, also?  Why or why not?
 
If we are playmates...then who am I to limit my Dominant to other players?  I wouldn't want my playmate to limit me either.  Playmates are just that...Playful Mates! 
 
3) Would you agree to be the playmate of a sub (or Dom) if you had "feelings" for them, which made you wish for an actual "partner-type" relationship with them?  And if so, do you think this has been helpful or harmful to you?

If I had serious feelings to want to explore a relationship with a Dom, then that wouldn't be fair to them or myself to start off as "playmates" because that would only end up in disappointment to us both.  The chances that I would do things to sway that Dom into a more serious relationship, while being their "playmate" is sneaky and just wrong.
 


_____________________________

~always the gleeful one~

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RE: Playmate "etiquette?" - 2/13/2008 7:26:08 PM   
shellzbythesea


Posts: 120
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MmeGigs

And at this point in life, I understand that wanting, which is about the exciting possibilities, is sometimes a lot more fun than having, which is about the mundane realities.


Now that is a great way to look at it!  And i totally get that concept.
 
 
Thanks to all who've answered!

(in reply to MmeGigs)
Profile   Post #: 20
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