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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 8:45:15 AM

Evility

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If a three year long distance courtship was a guarantee of long term "until death do you part" success then the OP might have a point.

It's not.

Case closed.

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 8:47:21 AM

wkdshadow

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

People want immediate gratification. People are desperate for relationships.

I was reading a thread where a couple as been on-line for 2 years and not yet met. If they wanted to meet, wouldn't they have used some vacation time or long weekends during a 2 year period and made the effort to get together? I'm thinking someone in that situation is just not that much into the other and it is doubtful they will ever meet, if they haven't after 2 years.

I don't know, I just recently(a few months ago really) met a friend I've known for 12 years online. Granted, it's a completely different situation and we're just friends, but still. Getting to know someone takes time... and that's sort of the question here. How well do you know *really* this persion that you're wanting to meet?

Going with what everyone has said though, it *is* irresponsible to just up and move in. If someone's willing to make that large of a commitment, then be ready to make a smaller one first, and get a few weeks vacation time. With rare exceptions, a lot of people are different in real life, in different ways. I'm more quiet and a lot less likely to speak with a stranger. What's the change in personality that the person you might be moving in with happens to have? Some people aren't the people they make themselves out to be at all, and that's something you should think about, and find out for yourself before even considering moving in with another person.

Even if you see them a few times people don't always turn out who they present themselves to be. You all have had that boyfriend/girlfriend that didn't turn out to be who you thought they were, who they pretended to be. "Once bitten, twice shy" is not only an old saying, but some damned good advice!

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 8:52:05 AM

LaTigresse

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There is no way I am going to wait three years, let alone 12 to meet someone for a potential relationship! Weeks, months even, but no way in years! AND I am not going to take the potential for a relationship the least little bit seriously until I meet them and spend real time with them. No major emotional investment either. That way when they disappear (as they usually do) no big deal.

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 8:54:39 AM

LadyHathor

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

If a three year long distance courtship was a guarantee of long term "until death do you part" success then the OP might have a point.

It's not.

Case closed.

Neither is constant dating, planning, spending time together, meeting families, or even being married for 20 years.

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 8:58:04 AM

Kirren

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My husband and I met via yahoo. We knew each other as friends for almost 6 years before we met when he moved to My area to live with his brother. We hung out for 9 months before we knew that friends wasnt all that was going on. Weve been together for 5 years, married for 2. Both Dominant. Works well. Yeah its not perfect and I would love to kill him...most days...but I love Him and He loves Me.

Two months ago I met My girl. I put a collar of consideration on her,and started training her. She lives three hours away, and drives down multiple times each month to spend a weekend, or a week, which ever she has the ability to do according to work scheduals.

I think the speed of a persons commitment can be a dangerous thing, it can be bad, but I think the intensity of each person in that relationship factors in how well they grow to know each other before making a committment to that level.

I knew My childrens father for 2 years before I married him and had kids with him. He was a f'kin moron. Meth adict, and abusive waste of space. So...I think instead of being critical, you should understand that each relationship has different dynamics. And each person thinks and feels differently.

Ive been on both sides of it, and it works out equally well, depending on how honest you are with each other from the gate.

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 8:58:23 AM

MrRodgers

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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

michelleryder I agree with you that its rather irresponsible to move in together, never having met...but hey, if thats what it takes for them to learn, then so be it.

I also agree with you on this point...this way they will learn and will learn as much about themselves as their partner and quickly. The problem that often arises if it doesn't is...can they split up and be made whole again...as it were ? Some young and unfamiliar often find themselves in a few days or weeks...stuck with someone with whom they are wholly incompatible.

However, I am an old-school traditionalist. We meet for weekends at the least if travel is involved and after a time a decision is made about a permanent relocation. For me...once that decision is made and any invite of a sub/slave to move into another house should be with the intention of awarding a collar and...forever.

< Message edited by MrRodgers -- 2/10/2008 9:02:55 AM >

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 9:09:01 AM

wkdshadow

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Naturally 12 years is overboard and it's just happenstance that he was dropping by Salt Lake, but a little bit of caution never hurt anyone. Well it probably has, but far fewer than haste has hurt. While you may meet someone after a few months, surely you agree it's a bad idea to up and move in with them without atleast getting to know them in real life first.

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 9:17:06 AM

RedMagic1

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I don't "fault" people who don't want to meet in real life, but I have no interest in talking to them either. I have no idea what it's like to be a female Domme looking for women -- except that there's a current thread on the Ask A Mistress board that was started by an uberfake "Lesbian Slave." However, as a male d-type, when I tell women I don't want to see pics, I want to buy them lunch/dinner anyplace they feel safest -- have 20 of their friends there, I don't care, whatever they want -- they don't freak. Some say no, of course, but all have said how glad they are not to be talking to a wanker.

I don't get why it's such a big deal to meet people. I haven't had sex at the end of every date. I haven't had sex every time I was IN A RELATIONSHIP AND SHE AND I WENT OUT TO DINNER for Christ's sake. You're getting to know someone you might like. I think a lot of people say: "We're both kinky, so we have to do something forbidden, or it's not a 'real' date." If you recognize yourself here, then just frikkin relax and go bowling. Jesus.

I have noticed that the people in actual, real-life relationships give better advice to posters in pain than people with limited realtime experience. That's a sense in which real is objectively "better" than online-only.

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 9:26:35 AM

wkdshadow

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If someone is local then I'd rather get to know them primaraly in real life as well, but the context of the thread has been a long distance relationship. You can't exactly go to dinner and then the bowling alley every weekend when you're across the coast.

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 9:38:37 AM

Evility

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility
If a three year long distance courtship was a guarantee of long term "until death do you part" success then the OP might have a point.

It's not.

Case closed.

Neither is constant dating, planning, spending time together, meeting families, or even being married for 20 years.

Just as moving in with someone that you have never met face to face is not an automatic and guaranteed recipe for failure. That was the point I was attempting to make. Sorry it escaped you.

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 9:42:20 AM

GreedyTop

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility
If a three year long distance courtship was a guarantee of long term "until death do you part" success then the OP might have a point.

It's not.

Case closed.

Neither is constant dating, planning, spending time together, meeting families, or even being married for 20 years.

Just as moving in with someone that you have never met face to face is not an automatic and guaranteed recipe for failure. That was the point I was attempting to make. Sorry it escaped you.

I took her post to mean that she was agreeing.. that regardless of which route you take, there are no guarantees.

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 9:49:21 AM

LadyHathor

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility
If a three year long distance courtship was a guarantee of long term "until death do you part" success then the OP might have a point.

It's not.

Case closed.

Neither is constant dating, planning, spending time together, meeting families, or even being married for 20 years.

Just as moving in with someone that you have never met face to face is not an automatic and guaranteed recipe for failure. That was the point I was attempting to make. Sorry it escaped you.

Actually I was merely adding that there are no guarantees either route one goes, as an agreement--so pull back the sarcasm please.

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 9:52:16 AM

Lucylastic

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With my hubby... I met him on the wednesday night, I moved in with him the following evening, and we have been together 23 years in april.
With my pet, I met him online 10 years ago this march, we didnt meet offline until 7 years ago, we get together three or four times a year. It works for us...
Having been involved in chat for 12 years, Ive seen more problems than long term relationships, both BDSM related and "nilla".
But Ive made some amazing friends..Ive met about 120 people from online, and there were only four out of that many that I would not want to ever see again unless I was heavily armed and/or medicated. There are many more I would love to meet.
Nothing is ever roses and buttercups all the time, trust your instincts, dont burn bridges, compromise and laugh a lot and treat people the way you would like to be treated.
The ones that worry me are the ones that leave their perceptions and brains at the chatroom door. But heh, I havent been exactly without my impulsive moments.
Lucy

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 9:55:13 AM

KatyLied

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Everyone has their own comfort level. I would not be comfortable with a protracted 2 year on-line relationship with someone I've never met yet had the expectation that we would meet and become 24/7 live-ins. That's just how I am, my comfort is in allowing things to develop and see where they will go on their own. If I was corresponding with someone for 2 years and he seemed too busy to meet, I would take that as a sign that he didn't want to meet and I would move on.

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 9:57:07 AM

eyesopened

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i am sure there is a happy couple somewhere who went from online to 24/7 and it worked out beautifully. But for anyone to assume it is the norm and not the exception probably has their head in the clouds, or somewhere much less sunny.

For that which is truly important, time and money will be found. Someone who cannot find the time nor the money to meet in person over a 2year period has not considered meeting truly important.

Here's a related true story of how fantasy can be so different from reality. When my ums were aged 5 and 3 we moved from San Diego (where they were born) to Carson City. The first snowfall, the little ones were SO excited and could not wait to get all dressed in their snowsuits and go play in the snow for the very first time. Finally got them bundled up and sent them outside where they remained for less than 15 seconds and ran back into the house shouting "That stuff is COLD!!"

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 9:58:15 AM

laurell3

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Everyone has their own comfort zone of when they will meet, when they will engage in play, when they will let themselves be open to a relationship and even when they will participate in TPE. One person attempting to define it for another is just silly. The problem is, as has been pointed out, there are many that have no intention of ever meeting and balancing allowing a person an appropriate amount of time with concerns over the harsh realities of internet dating is always a challenging one. It may be unrealistic to jump into anything or not depending on the people involved. We truly cannot say one is a "fake" or is moving too soon from a few words on the internet.

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 10:10:36 AM

BlackPhx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wkdshadow

You can't exactly go to dinner and then the bowling alley every weekend when you're across the coast.

You are correct you can't, but if you have never met face to face and you are entering not a friendship but a relationship meeting face to face and starting from the very beginning again is a needful thing. Moving in together is a beautiful thing fraught with fears, hopes, dreams and baggage. Committing to moving across country, giving up home, family, friends and potentially limits before ever meeting face to face and knowing who you are trully dealing with is a whole nother thing. Kirren points out that before she nad her husband got together they talked as friends for 6 years and then he moved to live with his brother and they got to know each other for 9 months before making that committment to be more, lived together 3 years before marrying. Operative words, got to know each other 9 months before deciding they were to be more.

You can learn a lot about someone online, consistency helps with that in chats, but the commercials aren't wrong, there are a lot of people out there who pretend to be what they are not. That lithesome young 21 y.o.slave you have talked to online for a year may just as easily be a 45 y.o. balding fat man crouched behind his computer screen. the wonderful Master Dominant, King of all mankind could be a 18 y.o kid. You don't know. You never will until you are face to face. Even Vid Cams can only do so much. They show what they are pointed at..not the wireless keyboard and the second screen.

If the mountain cannot go to Mohammad, then perhaps Mohammad needs to make the effort to visit the mountain during vacation and stay at an inn. Face to face is really the only way to begin to get to know the reality, before you have burned all bridges and are standing at the side of the road hoping for a ride back home.

poenkitten (mixing metaphors..ok who has the coffee pot?)

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 10:12:15 AM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I don't get why it's such a big deal to meet people. .

Because for some people, it just is and it doesn't necessarily make them not "real".

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 10:25:52 AM

ownedgirlie

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I'm totally with Julia on this one. Why hold up our own relationships as the be-all, end-all, if no one else does it my way then they suck? That's how the OP is coming across. Lots of relationships work in mysterious ways that we don't understand.

My great grandparents never met before marrying, btw. He came to SF from Italy and wrote to her family. They ended up exchanging about 6 letters over the course of a year until he sent for her and she came to SF, he picked her up, took her to the courthouse, married her, and went back to work. They were married until his death.

My parents met twice in a year and a half. She was in Spain, he in the States. They wrote several letters back and forth and he came and married her and took her home. They were married 51 years until his death.

A former friend of mine met her Master/husband in a yahoo chat room. They were together online for 5 months and then she moved from Australia to Florida, to live with him, having never met before. 8 years later they are still happily married.

Another friend of mine met her Master/husband in a chat room, too. They had a long distant relationship for a few months, meeting in person only a couple of times, and she moved across several states to live with him. Now they are happily married and life is good.

Yes, these may be exceptions, but these are just four amazing relationships that wouldn't have happened had the condemnation police had anything to do with them. Yes, it seems the smart thing to do to know what you're getting into before you do, but sometimes it really does work. Not everyone needs three years of driving back and forth do know they found what they're looking for. And not everyone is able to hang out in person for whatever reasons. If it works for them it works for them. Why berate their happiness?

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RE: People need to get real - 2/10/2008 10:34:43 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I don't get why it's such a big deal to meet people. .

Because for some people, it just is and it doesn't necessarily make them not "real".

I didn't say such people were not "real." I said they were not for me. Someone would have to be exceptional for me to have even a friendship with them if we had never met in person.

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