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RE: How do You begin - 2/2/2008 7:53:56 AM

DisenchantedLife

Posts: 193
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Damn good points Focus, as always.

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RE: How do You begin - 2/2/2008 7:59:55 AM

CreativeDominant

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Everything that has been said thus far in your thread makes sense...baby steps, simple steps, start doing more and talking less, etc.

Focus 50 mentioned that he does not feel a spark with vanilla women. To a great extent, I have discovered that myself within the last 10 years. They can be cute or beautiful, charming, sexy...but if they want to be leader or have the reins as often as me, it doesn't do anything for me. I form a friendship with them and there is all kinds of conversation but that is it. I am not attracted to every submissive woman I meet either. When there is a spark, a relationship...whether friendship or something more...is started and yes, it is started through speaking to each other. Listening to what it is they want and desire and need as well as conveying my own ideas of what I feel about D/s and what I want and need from it and from the other aspects of being involved with someone. I stress the D/s more so than the totally vanilla aspects. When I have screwed up...it has been mainly because I read signals wrong OR veered away from what I know works for me. If you stick with what works for you...makes you happy...during your discussions/negotiations (always remembering that a certain amount of compromise is built into the definition of negotiation), then it will either go on to become something more or it will flounder until you get onto the track of doing what works for you. If you veer away from what you know works just to try and make the other person happy, then the floundering can become a "stick point" and it will either die quickly because you cannot move off this point without action or because you are afraid to "do something". Myself...I'd rather do something in my way and if it dies, so be it.

Some ritual...kneeling or whatever you choose; some speech modifications..."Yes, Sir" and/or "No, Sir" and an attempt to follow basic orders for now will go a long way towards showing you...and he...how this looks for the future.

And one last thing...keep the communication going. When something doesn't strike you as quite right, then ask to speak about it. Do NOT make assumptions that he is doing something that, in his mind or in his actions, he is NOT. Get clear on it when it comes up...not until it has festered and turned into something in your head that it is NOT in reality. Care about his feelings enough and about the D/s relationship you say you want to bring your concerns to him. To not do so IS topping from the bottom...how can he fix (if it needs fixing) what he does not know about? Sound like more talk? Sure is BUT it is talk coming from action or attempted actions that have been misconstrued. Do the same with what is going right and then, you are on the road. But a road built mainly with cobblestones of talk and no action may be a beautiful road but it tends to lead nowhere. It takes actions to set those stones in place.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 2/2/2008 8:06:26 AM >

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RE: How do You begin - 2/2/2008 9:15:39 AM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

quote:

JUst talking about it will not likely do anything for you.

i think that is exactly where the height of my frustration is currently coming from....Because my fear is that we will keep "talking" about this but never taking the action necessary....

Thanks again for all Your responses.... i appreciate them greatly, as i'm sure He will as well.

Kali, I think the thing that is of most importance to note is that you've found someone who isn't stuck with some ideal model or dogmatic approach who recognizes where you are and nutures you to grow and gives you the time you need to work on you. That's not really a small thing. If he can do that, the rest is easy! What everyone else said is great advice, start out slow and see how it goes. Good luck!

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RE: How do You begin - 2/2/2008 10:15:58 AM

TracyTaken

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Joined: 2/1/2008
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I like the idea of asking, especially for his help. This worked for me:

"Would you help me (boss me into) doing the dishes before I go to bed so that I can wake up to a clean kitchen?"

Then he had the opportunity to be both dominant and chivalrous. Also, as has been mentioned, your obedience will reinforce his position as dom, so do what he says.

Good luck, have fun and please keep us posted.

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RE: How do You begin - 2/2/2008 10:53:29 AM

TheLookingGirl

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Joined: 7/26/2007
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I agree with starting as friends (thats how I operate...but everyone is different). I'm a bit confused with some of the responses to this question...but I think its because I lack all the information about the OP...the answers themselves are not confusing, but some know more than otheres here. I'm sure if I searched the forum for the OP's other posts I might be better help...but eh. *lazy Saturday morning*

I like TracyTakens idea about getting slowly into things, and her example. Take something routine and give a slight MS twist on it. See if it works.

However I do think Focus has some good points.

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RE: How do You begin - 2/2/2008 6:38:32 PM

MissDaisy

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I have found that if a relationship is established first, it will enhance the M/s dynamic. Perhaps the introduction of rituals will help. I think it is somewhat common for anyone in the M/s lifestyle or D/s lifestyle to use rituals. They seem to help create that space in which each person feels more in touch with their Dominance/submission. For example, if you kneel, this might help you get more in touch with your submissive side or it might help you feel more like His slave... for Him, maybe he could establish a ritual.. a protocol of some kind.. for example.. maybe, whenever He wishes you to be reminded of being His slave, He could have you kneel and present yourself to him...
I think rituals are so helpful... once you start doing them or using them, you will find it aids in transitioning into more of a M/s relationship.

I hope this helps! :)

(in reply to KnightofMists)

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RE: How do You begin - 2/2/2008 7:02:46 PM

petpete

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The good old MMCowboy tactics work well especially if your near a rodeo... Truth is that us subs at times W/we do need some evasive aggressive practitioners to bring us to hill... Gidiup!!! whoo hoo!!

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