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The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 8:45:23 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		that no one needs.
How does someone handle a friend that doesnt exactly understand the meaning of "platonic"? Someone who swears every time they talk to you they have changed, that they are going to be better... and yet every time they see you they are flirty and highly inappropriate? Even when you let them know its out of line...

Fox has a friend like that, and I am not happy about it. I wont out and tell him not to see her anymore, I would never do that about any friend of someones. I did, however, tell him he has to lay down the law or I was going to contact her and do it for him. I hate to have to step in like that, he is an adult and I dont worry that he is going to stray. More that she makes him uncomfortable and he is trying his best to be a "good friend" but she doesnt get the hint.

Do I need to make my presence known? Is this about where I meet this girl and let her know in no uncertain terms that he is taken? Or do I trust him to handle it himself and let him keep me appraised of the situation? 

DV






_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair
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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 8:59:49 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		I know you're his Domme, but I don't think it's your place.  He is either ready to cut that string or he's not.  It was hard for me to cut that with exes; especially when I was younger.  I like being friend with my exes, but there needs to be some time apart before that happens.  You need to trust him, because you are setting yourself up for potential fireworks if you don't.  I am like a lot of men.  I like it when my current beau steps in to defend her territory.  It makes you feel important to see a little jealousy (as long as it's not psycho jealousy.)  But, he either still loves her or he doesn't.  You can't make that decision for him or talk him out of it.  If this bothers you that much; it is not her that you should be confronting, it's him.  He is an adult as you say, but I don't know him.  Maturity and the ability to see danger from others comes at different times for people.  I was a trusting person when I was in my early 20's.  I believed everything women told me, and it took awhile for me to get out of that mindset.

You have to tell him.  It's not a war between you and his ex.  It's a problem between you and him.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:05:36 PM   
Shawn1066


Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		To clarify.  A good friend of mine has basically turned into the town slut and now she is acting entirely out of line around me.  Even though she knows I'm currently in a relationship.  My Owner and I have discussed this, and we both agree that she either changes her tune, or I'm cutting her off completely.

I won't tolerate her behavior.

Oh, and she's not my ex.  I don't have -any- exes.  She's just a friend from my hometown I hang out with once in a blue moon.  So, there's no *problem* between my Owner and I, thank you very much. :-p





< Message edited by Shawn1066 -- 1/28/2008 9:08:47 PM >

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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:09:45 PM   
sweetwenchie


Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		~fast reply~

it sounds like there will be no need to step in DV  ~smile~   From his comment you can trust him to handle the situation.

Personally as much as i want to maintain friendships, if they start to cause too much friction in a relationship, or leave me feeling uncomfortable,  that friend has to either modify their behaviour around me, or simply stay away.

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." - De Beauvoir

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." - Nietzsche

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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:10:06 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I never said she was an ex. Maybe thats the thing that changes tis. I am Fox's first EVERYTHING. This girl was a school friend who al of a sudden has started acting off. The advice you offered, while well intentioned, is completely offbase. ACtually, if it were an ex who couldnt cut the strings, I would be taking it better and be less likely to want to step in and say something. THAT is expected.  THIS is not.

__edited to add
YEs, SweetWenchie, I know he can handle it.  The thing is, I dont like it. It wasnt his idea to let me step in...


< Message edited by DiurnalVampire -- 1/28/2008 9:11:37 PM >

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:13:36 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

Do I need to make my presence known? Is this about where I meet this girl and let her know in no uncertain terms that he is taken?



For what reason would this girl yield to you?  I wouldn't get up in her face at all.

I would take it up with Fox, then trust him to deal with it in whatever way you two decide is best.

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:13:42 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Lots of people don't understand what a "friend" is because of the term "friends with benefits." No strings sex has been around for a long time, but the older terms didn't include the word "friend." It creates alot of confusion, which is why the expression "friends with benefits" is a hard limit for me. Those I scene with are people I am "seeing" or "dating" if there's no monogamous relationship. They most certainly aren't "friends."

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Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:19:15 PM   
sweetwenchie


Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		It is entirely understandable that you would not like the situation.  From what was stated, it sounds like she is playing games and pushing buttons.  Most of the Dominants i have had the pleasure of befriending would feel exactly the same way as you.  From this side of the screen, it sounds as if this situation has brought up feelings of wanting to protect him from having to deal with this girl?  Not because he cannot handle it, but because he should not have to?  Simply trying to get a better grasp of everything.  :)  If is is the protective instinct, perhaps in this case letting him deal with her is the best option.  Easy for me to say from this side of things. lol

wenchie

< Message edited by sweetwenchie -- 1/28/2008 9:57:51 PM >

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." - De Beauvoir

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." - Nietzsche

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:21:12 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

To clarify.  A good friend of mine has basically turned into the town slut and now she is acting entirely out of line around me.  Even though she knows I'm currently in a relationship.  My Owner and I have discussed this, and we both agree that she either changes her tune, or I'm cutting her off completely.

I won't tolerate her behavior.

Oh, and she's not my ex.  I don't have -any- exes.  She's just a friend from my hometown I hang out with once in a blue moon.  So, there's no *problem* between my Owner and I, thank you very much. :-p


Thanks for clarifying.  But, that means you need to nip it in the bud.  Tell her to piss off.  I try to be the nice guy too, but sometimes you have to be a prick to get your point across.  If she is some psycho stalker, than you need to consider a restraining order.  I don't know what to tell you Shawn.  You obviously don't have much experience with girls, and that's cool.  I understand, but you got to tell that girl to fuck off.  You won't be less of a gentleman for it (if you have honestly told this girl straight up how things are.) 

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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:39:32 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Make your presence known?  That would kinda be preventing him from learning how to deal with the situation.  I wouldn't be against having a get together or group date so you can make the air a bit frostier when she starts on her habits- but really I'd say let your feelings known to your property and allow him to manage.  If he mismanages, you can continue to advise and correct. 

But he's still really young, this is what he's supposed to be learning how to do now, and expecting his friendships now to ALL be lifelong is just silly. 

You don't want to become the girlfriend who bullies the boyfriend away from all his friends.  Until she actively starts to take away from your relationship together, then I'd say leave it.

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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:43:34 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

Or do I trust him to handle it himself and let him keep me appraised of the situation? 


Anything other than this would make you appear as an insecure harpy.  If he cares for you, you have nothing to worry about.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:44:31 PM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		She is none of your business… he is… if he can’t beak this link with her then you need to break the link with him.

Butch

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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:52:20 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsub

She is none of your business… he is… if he can’t beak this link with her then you need to break the link with him.


I dont think thats the issue...
I dont think he should have to give her up completely... assuming she can understand that how she wants to act is not acceptable behavoir with him.

I am not insecure, I dont think it has to be a her or me situation. I just know that she isnt getting the hint from what he is telling her, so I was thinking of stepping in and making sure she knows he wasnt joking. I seriously believe part of the problem is that she does not believe I actually exist. She thinks he doesnt really have a girlfriend (she doesnt know about the ownership part) and he is playing "hard to get" rather tha actually disinterested.

However the current state of things are that he has told her that he doesnt trust her to behave properly after todays escapades. Assuming she would like to see both of us, then thats fine, but he doesnt trust her alone with him.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to kdsub)
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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:54:16 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		It sounds as though he knows how to set healthy boundaries. I do not think there is anything wrong with a dominant person telling their submissive type that they need to set boundaries with a friend or family member. In fact I believe it is the job of the submissive to do this. My Daddy is still teaching me healthy boundary setting, it was not something I excel at.

If she cannot respect his boundaries, she is not ready to have him as a friend and whatever is causing her to act out needs to be grown past before she can keep the friends she has. It sounds as though she is going through some major insecurities, lack of self esteem... perhaps a relationship that bruised her ego? While that is sad, it isn't your problem


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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:55:52 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I had a friend like that, only he was supposed to be my dom before he flaked and disapered out of the middle of no where, so finally he comes back around I make it clear I have a bf* cause I did at the time* I make it clear I don't cheat and I don't have sex with other men he'd sayc ool cool and in the next breath bring up something about me having sex with him, or that I could cheat on joseph and nobody would ever know.  Or he always joked but it wasn't a joke about borrowing money, I finally blocked him.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

that no one needs.
How does someone handle a friend that doesnt exactly understand the meaning of "platonic"? Someone who swears every time they talk to you they have changed, that they are going to be better... and yet every time they see you they are flirty and highly inappropriate? Even when you let them know its out of line...


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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 9:57:33 PM   
Shawn1066


Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

It sounds as though she is going through some major insecurities, lack of self esteem... perhaps a relationship that bruised her ego? While that is sad, it isn't your problem



The nail has been hit on the head, ladies and gentlemen.  That's exactly what's been going on in her life over the past year.  The ending of a major relationship has caused her to degenerate for quite a bit.


< Message edited by Shawn1066 -- 1/28/2008 9:58:57 PM >

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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 10:04:25 PM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		Maybe I'm wrong...I usually am it seems...lol.. but this friend of his is not a friend... at least not a good one. She may not be worth him keeping I would think. If he has told her about you and the relationship he wants... and she is till hitting on him... then it is time for her to go. Real friends do not do this if asked not to.

If he has not told her then it is his fault and he needs to be firm with her... if he can't do this for you then maybe he is not worth the trouble.

Butch

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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 10:14:07 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		As I said, he has told her about me. I dont think she believes him. She hasnt met me, and he had only known me a few days the last time he spoke with her before today. He knows what I think of her dramatics.  I think she was interested in him before and he ddnt see it, and now she thinks he is playing hard to get rather than actualy having someone.

I am sort of surprised people think something this small is worth considering ending a relationship over. Worth a serious discussion about setting boundaries, yes. Done.
Worth perhaps putting limitations on spending time alone with this person, yes. Done.
But the idea that I put so little value on my relationship with Fox that having an overly flirtatious friend that he hasnt figued out how to put the breaks on should even come close to a "maybe he isnt worth the effort" idea is ridiculous.  You dont fix the problem by throwing away the source of it.

I started this to ask opinions on whether or not my making my presence known might be helpful. Or if it would make things worse. I got some great advice, and I am glad my desire to protect isnt all that unusual.

DV

< Message edited by DiurnalVampire -- 1/28/2008 10:15:33 PM >

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to kdsub)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 10:33:27 PM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		If it is such a small thing then why do you feel you need advice in the first place?

Now just me but when I am in a serious relationship… by the way you did not say if this one is serious…I don’t hang with friends of the opposite sex. I certainly don’t run home and tell my significant other all the details of flirting. Surely he is not that weak willed or stupid.

I don’t know you or he so I will not comment further but to me it is a big deal when your future mate needs someone else to oversee his everyday relationships.

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RE: The type of friend... - 1/28/2008 10:34:39 PM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		I haven't read one reply here that suggested you end your relationship.  We all have added our advice based on your posts.  You and your boy keep adding to them.  He came in right after you in your defense about a post concerning him.  I almost thing that y'all do this on purpose to create drama.  I and everyone else here has tried to offer advice based on what we have read and with the best intentions.  If you don't want advice, than don't post your problems.  Honestly, I think you are being a bit of a drama queen.  This isn't the 'Ask Mistress' forums, and that's why I stay out of those pretentious little "poor me" threads. 

< Message edited by slaveboyforyou -- 1/28/2008 10:37:01 PM >

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
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