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Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 6:53:28 PM   
Kalista07


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Status: offline 		Okay, so for a while now i've been trying to find some information on this....Any information on this...But what characteristics or qualities do You think are present in a healthy M/s relationship?
By healthy i guess i mean one that is not "dysfunctional", not harmful, good for a person to be in....*ugh* i hope someone knows what i mean.


< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 1/14/2008 6:54:13 PM >

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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 6:58:53 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Status: offline 		Same ones that are in all good relationships- fulfillment of everyone, encouragement to be true to yourself and grow into who you will be.

Only difference in Ms is the authority dynamic.

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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 7:00:12 PM   
IrishMist


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Okay, so for a while now i've been trying to find some information on this....Any information on this...But what characteristics or qualities do You think are present in a healthy M/s relationship?
By healthy i guess i mean one that is not "dysfunctional", not harmful, good for a person to be in....*ugh* i hope someone knows what i mean.


the same that would be present in any healthy ongoing relationship

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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 7:06:14 PM   
takenbyjohnr07


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Status: offline 		i am always safe, everything is always carefully planned out. We respect and love each other. We are honest and talk about everything, but i think the greatest part is that we are best friends

We do what's right for both of us, and we both go out of our way to meet each other's needs.

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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 7:15:36 PM   
LadyHibiscus


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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I think you have to be "healthy" and have a solid sense of yourself and what you are looking for.  Then, ideally, you'll know if the relationship you are in is a bad one for you.  If you are unhappy, if you are questioning yourself, find yourself doing things that are the will of the other but go against your own personal values, well, those are a few warning signs.

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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 7:18:12 PM   
KatyLied


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From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I agree with others, it's the same as for any healthy relationship.  Enhance the things you have in common, give each other "alone" time, be there for each other, yet don't go co-dependent weird with it.

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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 7:48:57 PM   
SimplyMichael


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Status: offline 		What is a healthy happy relationship for me might be utter misery for someone else.  If you want more specific advice, ask a more specific question.

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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 7:58:36 PM   
amayos


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From: New England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Okay, so for a while now i've been trying to find some information on this....Any information on this...But what characteristics or qualities do You think are present in a healthy M/s relationship?
By healthy i guess i mean one that is not "dysfunctional", not harmful, good for a person to be in....*ugh* i hope someone knows what i mean.




This question is of course entirely subjective; one's idea of "healthy" may not be so to another. And then there is of course that place where the line of consensual wink and nudge migrates into the darker (and more bestially lavish) realm of addiction, Pavlovian conditioning and capture bonding. No doubt, some would label that dysfunctional. I do not, however.

Men of faith are considered righteous for their deeply mortal devotion to a god or creed. It is no different in my eyes when I look upon a creature endowed with an Atlantean desire to please and worship another; they throw themselves at the mercy of their keeper to be crushed and reshaped. To many on the outside, the vision of this is abusive and unhealthy, but only those involved can say for sure. Sometimes, even "abuse" is considered a positive word.

To answer your question from my vantage point, accountability and fulfillment are two very important words. Still, these terms can be pulled and warped to suit an agenda.

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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 8:05:26 PM   
Kalista07


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

What is a healthy happy relationship for me might be utter misery for someone else.  If you want more specific advice, ask a more specific question.


*sigh* i guess specifically my question is this......Having been in a multitude of unhealthy "vanilla" (for lack of better descriptors) relationships, and being completely blind to it at the time; how can one be sure that their M/s relationship is healthy?


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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 8:29:05 PM   
SimplyMichael


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Status: offline 		We repeat patterns until we recognize them and deal with them.  Therapy with a kink friendly counselor would be a good start, it can't hurt and it sure can help.

D/s can easily mask abuse and dysfunction, "he isn't abusing me, he is punishing me" or whatever.  A good rule of thumb is that if you can't live successfully on your own, you aren't yet healthy enough to be in a relationship.

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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 8:34:52 PM   
Kalista07


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

We repeat patterns until we recognize them and deal with them.  Therapy with a kink friendly counselor would be a good start, it can't hurt and it sure can help.

D/s can easily mask abuse and dysfunction, "he isn't abusing me, he is punishing me" or whatever.  A good rule of thumb is that if you can't live successfully on your own, you aren't yet healthy enough to be in a relationship.


Wow.....Okay.....*Note to self for future reference don't post anything while SimplyMichael is "discussing things" with Malkinus*
i guess i can kind of understand where You are coming from, theoretically anyway.....However, for some reason i feel the need to point out that none of those dynamics occur in our relationship..... He's never "punished" me for anything.... We talk about a lot! {About EVERYTHING!.....Whether i like it or not} He treats me better than most of the people i've met in my entire life. He makes me feel really good about myself...i find myself just sitting here smiling now for no reason. In the beginning i truly struggled with learning how to be happy, but i think i've become somewhat content with that.... i think (i hope) i can live somewhat successfully on my own...Although, who's to define what success is...
i guess the bottom line is when all You've ever experienced in the past are negative (abusive) relationships and You finally find one in which you are not only respected but valued, it can be well......... i have no idea....grrrrrrr....


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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 8:38:04 PM   
juliaoceania


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

What is a healthy happy relationship for me might be utter misery for someone else.  If you want more specific advice, ask a more specific question.


*sigh* i guess specifically my question is this......Having been in a multitude of unhealthy "vanilla" (for lack of better descriptors) relationships, and being completely blind to it at the time; how can one be sure that their M/s relationship is healthy?



I do not know what a healthy relationship is, I have never seen a relationship that was completely "functional", and basically I do not know how to answer this question because I am beginning to think that everyone (including nillas) are all mentally ill on some level, have neurotic tendencies... we can only hope to find someone we are satisfied with and attempt to make a go of it.

Seriously, after much thought, I have begun to think we all think too much. Are you happy? If not try something else.

I know that there are a lot of people that think they know what other people should do, such as "be alone with yourself and then you can be with others"... well that is all fine and well, except you get too damn used to your own company, never learn how to live with another, and spend the rest of your life alone (bitter, party of one, your table is ready, and I am speaking of me). Seriously, I am fine with my own company, but I want someone else's these days.

Then there are the people (like me) who have commitment phobias, and no one seems to be able to help us into a "healthy relationship".

I stopped analyzing it, and have been happier. Are we healthy? I don't know, but I know I do not want to go it without him, I am committed to it, and I am not backing down from keeping on. And I am happier for that choice. I do not know what makes a healthy relationship. I think most people just theorize on that topic.

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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 10:50:58 PM   
Kalista07


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Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Julia,
You've given me a great deal to think about...thanks.


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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 11:06:29 PM   
ownedgirlie


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Status: offline 		For me it is one in which I am encouraged and developed to be all I can be, give all I can give, reach internally as deeply as I can, shine as brightly as I can shine, and reach upward as high as I can reach.  It is also one in which we can both live true to our nature and are better for being in the relationship than not.  In my case, observing the subtle and not so subtle influences I have made in his world delight me.  Getting over my own hurdles to mentally and emotionally free myself from past baggage so that I can not only accept but support the way he wishes to live, brings us both great fulfillment on several facets. Being allowed to be honest - in my words, thoughts and actions, has been liberating.  The freedom to explore new avenues with him has been exciting.  Years into this, I continue to grow, learn, discover, and love with him.

This is what healthy is to me.  All my years of being stifled, being allowed to live honestly as who I am is of critical importance.

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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 11:33:58 PM   
Kalista07


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Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Ownedgirlie,
That really sounds like a nice relationship.......i think that's exactly where we are headed at this point...Thanks for sharing...


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~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 11:37:11 PM   
ownedgirlie


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Status: offline 		Thank you, Kalista, and I wish you the best in your own relationship.  We had lots of bumps & bruises getting here (not the enjoyable kind), but it has been worth every one of them.

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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 11:41:04 PM   
ExSteelAgain


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From: Georgia
Status: offline 		I don't claim to be a maven on the subject, but isn't it one that makes both of you feel better about yourselves? No matter what you do, you are going to connect so well that there is an understanding that respect is always present.


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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 11:46:26 PM   
Kalista07


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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

I don't claim to be a maven on the subject, but isn't it one that makes both of you feel better about yourselves? No matter what you do, you are going to connect so well that there is an understanding that respect is always present.



Wow.....i guess You are right...Odd thing is? This never even entered my brain....Thanks....  *i feel so happy i currently have to resist all urges to call and wake Him up* Heh


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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 11:48:03 PM   
laurell3


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

What is a healthy happy relationship for me might be utter misery for someone else.  If you want more specific advice, ask a more specific question.


*sigh* i guess specifically my question is this......Having been in a multitude of unhealthy "vanilla" (for lack of better descriptors) relationships, and being completely blind to it at the time; how can one be sure that their M/s relationship is healthy?



Hon keep working on you.  Remember you have had quite alot of trauma in your life, don't expect to just "be over it".   Cut yourself some slack.   As long as he is supporting you, listening to you and being your friend first like he has been doing and as long as he continues to support you to feel positively about yourself, I'd consider that healthy. 

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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 11:49:09 PM   
Kalista07


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Status: offline 		Thanks Laurell....Your rock ya know!!!! What would i do on here with out You??

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~~Sweedish Proverb


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