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RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/14/2008 11:50:28 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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LOL the same thing you do now, take care of and nurture yourself the best way you can.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 21

RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 4:43:04 AM

wisteriaV

Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
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For Master and I its honest communication. We not only listen to what we say to each other but we hear what is being said. We may not agree on everything or I may not like the final decision he makes about some things, but at least I know he has heard my view on it ( when he asks for it ). We also take time for private time away from each other to regroup and reenergize ourselves as people. We also take time to do something silly and fun once a week..to forget about the stressors of life even if it is as simple as watching cartoons or a cartoon movie and eating popcorn together.

_____________________________

Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 22

RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 4:48:54 AM

Bound2One

Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
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quote:

i guess the bottom line is when all You've ever experienced in the past are negative (abusive) relationships and You finally find one in which you are not only respected but valued, it can be well......... i have no idea....grrrrrrr....

FWIW Kalista, I do know what you're talking about here. I've never been in an abusive relationship, but neither have I been in one which provides me with the guidance, security and love that I've felt from my Master. It's confusing at times. Like you, I find myself sitting and smiling for no apparent reason other than happiness. But, like Julia pointed out - if I think too much, I overanalyze and get myself even more confused. Master understands what's going on inside my head and helps and talks things through with me. It helps clarify my thinking. I figure this is a path to acceptance of the positives being given to me and hope the questioning in my mind stops soon.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 23

RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 5:11:02 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Same ones that are in all good relationships- fulfillment of everyone, encouragement to be true to yourself and grow into who you will be.

Only difference in Ms is the authority dynamic.

I fully agree again with LuckyAlbatross.

I think as a "community" BDSMers or leatherfolk or kinkyfolk (pick your term) often see ourselves as vastly different from the rest of the world. In all honestly I think we are merely an extension of some of the desires and needs many people share with the ideal of communication and mutual consent.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 24

RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 5:19:47 AM

HalloweenWhite

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Joined: 6/20/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Okay, so for a while now i've been trying to find some information on this....Any information on this...But what characteristics or qualities do You think are present in a healthy M/s relationship?
By healthy i guess i mean one that is not "dysfunctional", not harmful, good for a person to be in....*ugh* i hope someone knows what i mean.

One of the slaves on here mentioned something on another thread about a slave being "comfy" and not acting "all slavinsh" (My phrase as I cant remember exactly what she said or, indeed what it was about) but My point is that I think a healthy M/s dynamic is one where B/both people in it are happy in their won skin and feel no need to "act" the part because T/they know who T/they are and so do T/their partner and B/both know T/thier role in the relationship.

Hope that makes sense. :).

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 25

RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 6:50:20 AM

juliaoceania

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Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

All my years of being stifled, being allowed to live honestly as who I am is of critical importance.

I think this is the one thing that would qualify our relationship as being "healthy", I have learned to be more honest with myself within the context of it.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 26

RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 6:56:48 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

For me it is important to feel some kind of "love". That is why I don't order a girl around quickly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 27

RE: Healthy M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 7:46:27 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

~ FAST REPLY ~

A 'healthy' relationship requires a key component - 'healthy' individuals.

Not necessarily people with no 'baggage' but people with no hidden baggage. Individuals who know who they are, know what they want, and are comfortable in their own skin. They are happy. They have no need to run away from themselves and hide themselves in a relationship. A relationship isn't a source of counseling, a 12 step program, or a path to salvation. You have to go into it with some positive personal equity. Ideally your partner or partners will have similarly positive self image. The result becomes greater than the sum of the parts.

The 'healthy dynamic' is easier to obtain. All it requires is no 'acting'. Putting on an 'act', be it dominant, submissive, or vanilla, takes effort. Effort is work. Work is something most people avoid or, at least, hope to someday retire. If you have to 'work' at your relationship you should include a relationship 'pension plan' in your dynamic.

Confidence is the key. Trust is a part of that confidence. Trusting yourself is just as important as trusting your partner. Confidence will bring you to the point of trust where you make decisions without thinking that your partner would have made without consultation. It allows you to grow and evolve as life brings you new experiences. It doesn't require you to hesitate before saying to your partner; "HEY - I'd like to try that!" You can trust that no communicated desire or fantasy will have a negative effect. We all know of situations in life where feelings and desired are held back. Typically, the excuse heard is; "I don't want to hurt you." In a relationship, silence ultimately hurts much worse than anything spoken.

It is important to have common goals, especially the important ones like marriage, where your living, and UM's. Here is where you have to be most careful. Compromising for the sake of the relationship must be weighed against how much of yourself you are willing to give. Once that decision is made, living by it without resentment, must be comfortable. Now those compromises are your relationship dynamic. Break them, or unilaterally changing your mind, and trust is gone. I'm of a believe that once broken, trust can never be put back together. You need to get beyond 'relationship frenzy', discuss the pragmatic, and agree upon common goals. It is why you need to be happy and confident with yourself. Coming from that perspective, you'll know if any compromise will really work for you, or you are just setting yourself up for failure.

Finally, there needs to be focus on fun. Fun should be a budgetary line item both for time and money. It doesn't necessarily require a large commitment of both every day, but it takes commitment none the less. Having fun together builds positive equity. You can never remember where the all the money or time was spent at the end of the year - you will remember the fun.

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 28

RE: Healthy M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 9:41:54 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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quote:

finally, there needs to be focus on fun.

If it is a healthy relation ship, don't you agree the fun and pleasure comes by it self?

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 29

RE: Healthy M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 9:52:47 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

finally, there needs to be focus on fun.

If it is a healthy relation ship, don't you agree the fun and pleasure comes by it self?

Excellent point - it should, but people sometimes get lost in their career and other things. They end up deferring vacations and choosing work over fun and pleasure when it comes time to make an either/or decision.

The reference should be taken in context of the rest of the post. It is especially important within the context of 'budgeting'. Fun will "come by itself" but if you don't take time and allocate some resources toward it - you could miss it. Miss enough and you'll end up with regrets instead of memories.

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 30

RE: Healthy M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 9:54:29 AM

Justme696

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From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

finally, there needs to be focus on fun.

If it is a healthy relation ship, don't you agree the fun and pleasure comes by it self?

Excellent point - it should, but people sometimes get lost in their career and other things. They end up deferring vacations and choosing work over fun and pleasure when it comes time to make an either/or decision.

The reference should be taken in context of the rest of the post. It is especially important within the context of 'budgeting'. Fun will "come by itself" but if you don't take time and allocate some resources toward it - you could miss it. Miss enough and you'll end up with regrets instead of memories.

Thank you for explaining. In that context I fully agree. You should allow the fun to happen and take time for eachother in the busy days.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 31

RE: Healthy M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 10:17:58 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

finally, there needs to be focus on fun.

If it is a healthy relation ship, don't you agree the fun and pleasure comes by it self?

Even the most healthy of relationships don't just happen. They require work from everyone involved. Hopefully the work doesn't feel like WORK but it still requires far more than just floating along.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 32

RE: Healthy M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 10:23:47 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

finally, there needs to be focus on fun.

If it is a healthy relation ship, don't you agree the fun and pleasure comes by it self?

Even the most healthy of relationships don't just happen. They require work from everyone involved. Hopefully the work doesn't feel like WORK but it still requires far more than just floating along.

agree a relation can be hard work. Aslong it is all going well, it is a pleasure to do. IF it becomes onesided it is a nightmare, and one should step aside

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 33

RE: Healthy M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 12:25:16 PM

Kalista07

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Joined: 7/1/2007
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i just wanted to thank You all for Your responses....They've all been very thought provoking.

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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 34

RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 10:58:15 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

This set of rules has influenced me greatly.

Qualities of a Master

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 35

RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 11:04:55 PM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

Wow!!! Thanks MasterFireMaam.... That's an awesome list...Do You happen to have anything like that for subs or slaves?

i'm going to email Him to take a look at this thread..

Love the new pictures by the way!!!

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 36

RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 11:26:26 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Many many many of those things listed are true for ANY person who wants to simply be a better person. When there are references to specific about the Master's role, just turn it around. For example, "A Master accepts from his slave only that which is freely given," might become, "A slave gives freely of himself that which is his to give to his Master."

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 37

RE: Healty M/s relationship dynamics - 1/15/2008 11:35:40 PM

CuriousLord

Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

A healthy M/s relationship?

My dear, if you had to follow every little whim this man had for the rest of your natural life, with no way of fighting back, leaving, or compelling him to act differently.. would you feel happy, safe, fulfilled?

I think that a notable characteristic of a good M/s relationship ("good" in my view) is that it lacks conflict or keeping things in check. That you, as a slave, don't have to guard yourself to maintain a healthy position.

Then there's the normal relationship stuff.. if you're happy with where your life is going, with your partner, etc.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 38

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